Having trouble with boundaries...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Having trouble with boundaries...
So, I know they are personal, and no one can make them for you, but how did you develop yours? I also know you can move them, but I'm struggling with that are healthy boundaries and what may just be considered cruel.
Example: I may not want to talk to my A, but I still want him or her to know I'm thinking about them, so I text instead. Ok; healthy. Maybe one day I will get to where I need no contact. But what determines that no contact is healthy before it becomes just mean to the person with whom you want no contact? Like turning your back on them.
Or, another example. When you don't want them not have basic needs because they are so lost in addiction and cannot pull themselves out to care for themselves, but you can't enable by doing this for them when they could get help and start providing for themselves? Or maybe because you just dont want to because you get tired of dealing with it.
Make sense? These are just questions, and I am not at these points yet , but I keep obsessing about the what ifs and what is considered healthy and good versus someone just turning their backs on someone? Becausew at times it feels like I'm turning my back now, and if i have to make harder choices, its going to be much more difficult.
Like many of you talk about having to ask your loved one to move out, not post bail, not answer phones, not run every time they call, even for kids; tough choices. Do you have a rule that helps you determine what is healthy for you to set as a boundary, if you are doing it for the right reasons, etc?
Codependency is also a beast.
Example: I may not want to talk to my A, but I still want him or her to know I'm thinking about them, so I text instead. Ok; healthy. Maybe one day I will get to where I need no contact. But what determines that no contact is healthy before it becomes just mean to the person with whom you want no contact? Like turning your back on them.
Or, another example. When you don't want them not have basic needs because they are so lost in addiction and cannot pull themselves out to care for themselves, but you can't enable by doing this for them when they could get help and start providing for themselves? Or maybe because you just dont want to because you get tired of dealing with it.
Make sense? These are just questions, and I am not at these points yet , but I keep obsessing about the what ifs and what is considered healthy and good versus someone just turning their backs on someone? Becausew at times it feels like I'm turning my back now, and if i have to make harder choices, its going to be much more difficult.
Like many of you talk about having to ask your loved one to move out, not post bail, not answer phones, not run every time they call, even for kids; tough choices. Do you have a rule that helps you determine what is healthy for you to set as a boundary, if you are doing it for the right reasons, etc?
Codependency is also a beast.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
I'm not really able to answer your question since all this is new to me but I will say that for my 21yo AS he made the choice to move out because he didn't follow the rules. He has only been gone for a few days and I think he was more shocked than anything else that I followed through. I don't think we are at the point of NC for many reasons but mainly because he is a college student and we have offered to give him rides to school if he doesn't have a ride ( we did take "his" car because we can't trust him not to drink and drive).
I'm just learning about codependency but I can say I unfortunately probably rank up there with the best.
I'm just learning about codependency but I can say I unfortunately probably rank up there with the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
Boundaries are for YOU, not the addict. Boundaries are like rules you make for yourself by deciding what you will and will not tolerate. When you set boundaries for yourself, you aren't doing anything to the addict, as much as they will try to convince you that you are. You aren't requiring them to do anything other than what they would do anyway. You are just protecting yourself from the madness.
No contact, again, is for YOU. If having contact with the addict causes you stress, anxiety, or other negative feelings, then you may decide to go no contact for YOU. It isn't done in the expectation that it will change anything with the addict, just that you need to have the separation that no contact gives so you can clear your mind and not be caught up in the addict's chaos.
The only control you have in these situations is over yourself. You know you can't change another person, so you put boundaries in place to protect yourself from the addict and all their craziness.
Example: I may not want to talk to my A, but I still want him or her to know I'm thinking about them, so I text instead. Ok; healthy. Maybe one day I will get to where I need no contact. But what determines that no contact is healthy before it becomes just mean to the person with whom you want no contact? Like turning your back on them.
The only control you have in these situations is over yourself. You know you can't change another person, so you put boundaries in place to protect yourself from the addict and all their craziness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My boundaries all start with "I". For example:
I will not ride in a car with an impaired driver
I will not live with an active addict
I will not associate with verbally abusive people
and so on.
Try to make a list of things you know you absolutely cannot tolerate in your life, frame it into an "I" statement, and work from there.
One way I know I've hit a boundary is when someone has crossed it already and I didn't like it. Sometimes we determine what we do like by experiencing what we don't like.
I will not ride in a car with an impaired driver
I will not live with an active addict
I will not associate with verbally abusive people
and so on.
Try to make a list of things you know you absolutely cannot tolerate in your life, frame it into an "I" statement, and work from there.
One way I know I've hit a boundary is when someone has crossed it already and I didn't like it. Sometimes we determine what we do like by experiencing what we don't like.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I think most people start off small. You don't want to ever make boundaries they you really can't keep. Like never threaten to leave - if you really aren't going to hold to it.
I think there are behaviors we just get sick of and some that are unsafe. Like an active alcoholic taking care of children. Or driving with someone who has had too much to drink.
My boundaries are very solid. One of my boundaries is that I will only stay with him as long as he is sober and in ACTIVE RECOVERY. That's the start of my list.
I think we all have to feel our own hearts and go by what we need.
I think there are behaviors we just get sick of and some that are unsafe. Like an active alcoholic taking care of children. Or driving with someone who has had too much to drink.
My boundaries are very solid. One of my boundaries is that I will only stay with him as long as he is sober and in ACTIVE RECOVERY. That's the start of my list.
I think we all have to feel our own hearts and go by what we need.
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