Do you? Or don't you?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Do you? Or don't you?
I was reading about this subject in another forum here, and it got me thinking about my life and choices.
I'm wondering . . .
If you are living with an alcoholic, do you still drink in the house? Do you have alcohol in the house? Do you have them buy your alcohol? Do you drink when you are out with them in a restaurant or at a party?
Or have you stopped drinking along with their sobriety?
This is something that I need to think more about . . . ! Would love to hear your thoughts!
I'm wondering . . .
If you are living with an alcoholic, do you still drink in the house? Do you have alcohol in the house? Do you have them buy your alcohol? Do you drink when you are out with them in a restaurant or at a party?
Or have you stopped drinking along with their sobriety?
This is something that I need to think more about . . . ! Would love to hear your thoughts!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Every so often I get in the mood for a glass of wine and I may have one at a holiday party or while out with friends. And, at that point since I'm such a lightweight I only finish half of it and get frustrated that I paid for a whole glass and then vow I will never order wine while out to dinner ever again, LOL! I rarely drink hard alcohol and when I do it's usually a mixed drink that I'll have while on vacation like a strawberry margarita or a mojito. Although, the last time I ordered a mojito I ordered it virgin.
To answer your other questions: I do not keep it in the house because I got angry when AH would finish off my wine. I would open up a bottle and it would take me 2 weeks to finish it but if he was in binge mode, it would be gone the day I opened it so I decided to not buy it.
If I was out with AH, I don't think I would drink. Honestly, alcohol is something I could take it or leave it for myself so it's not a big deal to me to go without nor is it a big deal to order a glass of wine every so often. Just depends on the occasion.
To answer your other questions: I do not keep it in the house because I got angry when AH would finish off my wine. I would open up a bottle and it would take me 2 weeks to finish it but if he was in binge mode, it would be gone the day I opened it so I decided to not buy it.
If I was out with AH, I don't think I would drink. Honestly, alcohol is something I could take it or leave it for myself so it's not a big deal to me to go without nor is it a big deal to order a glass of wine every so often. Just depends on the occasion.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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That sounds smart.
On the alcoholism forum they were talking about how they felt when their spouse drinks. And it really made me think . . .
I drink wine, I have a glass of wine every night. I keep wine in the house, in a cabinet. I would never ask him to buy it for me. I rationalized it these years because he doesn't like wine. For the first few years of sobriety I never ordered alcohol when we went out. But I started to get relaxed last year. But I remember a few months ago being out with 2 couples, everyone ordered a wine or a drink but my husband. And it just hit me - how isolating that must feel.
I won't do that again. And I'm rethinking wine . . . actually stopped about 3 weeks ago. When I found out he had relapsed I was letting him have it, while standing there with a glass of wine in my hand . . . boy, something felt off there.
Re-evaluating this one . . . !
On the alcoholism forum they were talking about how they felt when their spouse drinks. And it really made me think . . .
I drink wine, I have a glass of wine every night. I keep wine in the house, in a cabinet. I would never ask him to buy it for me. I rationalized it these years because he doesn't like wine. For the first few years of sobriety I never ordered alcohol when we went out. But I started to get relaxed last year. But I remember a few months ago being out with 2 couples, everyone ordered a wine or a drink but my husband. And it just hit me - how isolating that must feel.
I won't do that again. And I'm rethinking wine . . . actually stopped about 3 weeks ago. When I found out he had relapsed I was letting him have it, while standing there with a glass of wine in my hand . . . boy, something felt off there.
Re-evaluating this one . . . !
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
My A is now X, no longer together. But when we were, I quit keeping any alcohol at all in the house. Of course that never stopped him from buying for himself and hiding it. When we were out together I never drank. If I was out with my friends without him I would occasionally have a beer or glass of wine. But never in front of my A. It just didn't feel right to me.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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I never drank around my mother. I still don't. She was here in June and pretty peeved that we had no alcohol in the house. I removed it all before she arrived. She had a glass of wine at dinner one night, but she was paying for the meal. It wasn't my place to tell her no.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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It all comes down to the motives of your decision
I know for me, I stopped drinking when my XAH and I were together because 1) I thought it would "encourage" him to do the same (ie I was trying to control him!) and 2) I felt like I was a hypocrite to ask him to stop drinking and then keep doing it myself.
The reality was - my XAH was going to keep drinking no matter what I did or didn't do. And, I am not an alcoholic so me having a drink here or there was not hypocritical.
If my XAH was in recovery - I would have abstained only if he requested it. My BIL has been in recovery 18 months now - I asked him once if me having a drink in front of him was an issue and his response was - "not at all. I stay sober because I want to and it's my decision.... Independent of what you and your sister do or don't do. "
That said - I chose to be responsible with my alcohol drinking - no matter who I am around.
I know for me, I stopped drinking when my XAH and I were together because 1) I thought it would "encourage" him to do the same (ie I was trying to control him!) and 2) I felt like I was a hypocrite to ask him to stop drinking and then keep doing it myself.
The reality was - my XAH was going to keep drinking no matter what I did or didn't do. And, I am not an alcoholic so me having a drink here or there was not hypocritical.
If my XAH was in recovery - I would have abstained only if he requested it. My BIL has been in recovery 18 months now - I asked him once if me having a drink in front of him was an issue and his response was - "not at all. I stay sober because I want to and it's my decision.... Independent of what you and your sister do or don't do. "
That said - I chose to be responsible with my alcohol drinking - no matter who I am around.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
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I didn't keep any alcohol in the house for 8 years or so - was advised when my AH was in rehab (don't remember which time) that there studies show a higher rate of recovery if family didn't drink/have alcohol around, when A was in recovery.
I recall a family counselor asking the family group: "If you love your A, and you are a normal drinker, why would it be hard to quit drinking in order to support them?" At the time, that made sense to me.
GettingBy raises an interesting point: control! I hadn't thought about that until just now - though what I consciously thought at the time, was that I wanted to do anything I could to raise the chances of recovery success. In retrospect, my motive may have been mixed...
Examine your motives...
I recall a family counselor asking the family group: "If you love your A, and you are a normal drinker, why would it be hard to quit drinking in order to support them?" At the time, that made sense to me.
GettingBy raises an interesting point: control! I hadn't thought about that until just now - though what I consciously thought at the time, was that I wanted to do anything I could to raise the chances of recovery success. In retrospect, my motive may have been mixed...
Examine your motives...
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I'm not sure where I fall here, yet, on having a glass of wine.
But I do think, if my spouse was desperately trying to lose weight and was obese - would I be baking chocolate cakes and pecan pies with ice cream and eating them in front of him?
No.
I wouldn't do it to a girlfriend either. I'd be supportive.
Food (sorry for the put) for thought . . .
But I do think, if my spouse was desperately trying to lose weight and was obese - would I be baking chocolate cakes and pecan pies with ice cream and eating them in front of him?
No.
I wouldn't do it to a girlfriend either. I'd be supportive.
Food (sorry for the put) for thought . . .
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
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Before he went way overboard with his drinking, I used to enjoy a nice wine or cocktail at home. Once my husband started getting drunk daily and gathering dust on the recliner, I stopped bringing any alcohol into the house, stopped cooking with wine, and even stopped buying rum balls at the bakery to take home.
During detox and again at the rehab center, I was told to clear out the house of any alcohol. I'm still discovering the odd bottle, mostly empty, and admit that I do have one bottle of coffee liqueur still here. I like to pour a little over ice cream or occasionally add a teaspoon into my coffee. A bottle usually lasts me almost a year. The only reason it is still here is that my husband doesn't like it and preferred to buy himself vodka. But I will pour out anything remaining before my husband comes home.
When my husband and I went out together, I would normally not drink any alcohol at all. Living out in the country means that someone has to remain sober to drive home, and that has been usually me. I would only drink on those extremely rare occasions when there was a third person driving or if we were staying overnight at or within walking distance of a party location.
Now that my husband is in rehab, I have decided never to drink any alcohol in his presence. I cannot control him, but I can at least not wave temptation right under his nose. Like WishingWell has written, I wouldn't sit here and eat chocolate cake in front of a girlfriend who was on a strict diet.
I think I may allow myself the occasional glass of something alcoholic if my husband is away on one of his business trips in the future. But if he is home then I think it would also make things a bit tougher for him if I were to come home from a girl's night out with alcohol on my breath. So I will abstain when he's around, even if he decides to try controlled drinking.
Abstaining when he's home will also leave me with a clear head and better able to deal with whatever comes. Just because he will have finished rehab doesn't mean that all our problems are over.
I won't be doing it all for him or us, though. I'm also doing it for me. I've just started some new medication and alcohol reduces its effects. It would be silly for me to counter a desired medical effect - may as well not take the pills in the first place.
During detox and again at the rehab center, I was told to clear out the house of any alcohol. I'm still discovering the odd bottle, mostly empty, and admit that I do have one bottle of coffee liqueur still here. I like to pour a little over ice cream or occasionally add a teaspoon into my coffee. A bottle usually lasts me almost a year. The only reason it is still here is that my husband doesn't like it and preferred to buy himself vodka. But I will pour out anything remaining before my husband comes home.
When my husband and I went out together, I would normally not drink any alcohol at all. Living out in the country means that someone has to remain sober to drive home, and that has been usually me. I would only drink on those extremely rare occasions when there was a third person driving or if we were staying overnight at or within walking distance of a party location.
Now that my husband is in rehab, I have decided never to drink any alcohol in his presence. I cannot control him, but I can at least not wave temptation right under his nose. Like WishingWell has written, I wouldn't sit here and eat chocolate cake in front of a girlfriend who was on a strict diet.
I think I may allow myself the occasional glass of something alcoholic if my husband is away on one of his business trips in the future. But if he is home then I think it would also make things a bit tougher for him if I were to come home from a girl's night out with alcohol on my breath. So I will abstain when he's around, even if he decides to try controlled drinking.
Abstaining when he's home will also leave me with a clear head and better able to deal with whatever comes. Just because he will have finished rehab doesn't mean that all our problems are over.
I won't be doing it all for him or us, though. I'm also doing it for me. I've just started some new medication and alcohol reduces its effects. It would be silly for me to counter a desired medical effect - may as well not take the pills in the first place.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
I am one that recognizes my own desire for alcohol. I probably have some alcoholic tendencies. In private, once I have that first drink, I will drink to passing out. I do not have any alcohol in the house because my AH would automatically say I was being a hypocrite. I don't drink at home anymore. I don't drink with him at all. The last time I drank with him was on my birthday when we went out to eat, and I quickly realized my mistake with the next big fight and he threw it all back in my face. Never again will I drink with him.
With a social occasion in public, I will have ONE drink. I drank one drink on a family member's birthday. Before that, another drink months before on a girls' night out with family. AH was not there.
Sue
With a social occasion in public, I will have ONE drink. I drank one drink on a family member's birthday. Before that, another drink months before on a girls' night out with family. AH was not there.
Sue
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
I don't keep alcohol in the house and I will freely admit that I miss my nightly glass of wine!
For the first year or more of my husband's sobriety, I didn't drink around him at all. We cruise often and two or three cruises after he quit I got myself a fruity drink, and since then I may have a drink or two around him when we are on vacation. I don't make a big deal out of it and he says that it makes him feel better when I don't curb my behavior because of his issue.
For the first year or more of my husband's sobriety, I didn't drink around him at all. We cruise often and two or three cruises after he quit I got myself a fruity drink, and since then I may have a drink or two around him when we are on vacation. I don't make a big deal out of it and he says that it makes him feel better when I don't curb my behavior because of his issue.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
If my XAH was in recovery - I would have abstained only if he requested it. My BIL has been in recovery 18 months now - I asked him once if me having a drink in front of him was an issue and his response was - "not at all. I stay sober because I want to and it's my decision.... Independent of what you and your sister do or don't do. "
That said - I chose to be responsible with my alcohol drinking - no matter who I am around.
That said - I chose to be responsible with my alcohol drinking - no matter who I am around.
However, if he was struggling to quit, had multiple relapses or it made him uncomfortable in any way it'd be gone today. I enjoy having a drink when I feel like it, but I don't need to have it right there just because.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
For the first several months I did not drink at all. However, when I went to trow out recycling and was met with tons of beer bottles, I began to resent him. I'm staying sober for what? You to get consistently drunk? He has since stopped drinking and I have resumed. I don't bring it in the house, I don't drink if it is just he and I out, and normally don't drink in front of him at all, but every once in a while at a party I would.
He says it doesn't bother him when I drink-yet he will bring it up in arguments or complain to his mom (who I am very close with) that I was drinking. It's very frustrating for me. I'm not a huge drinker but every once in a while I want my glass or two of wine. I don't have
A problem, so why can't I drink?
I know this may sound mean or what not-but I just got so fed up when I was not drinking at all-yet he was constantly drunk. Why am I holding back o watch you drink? I do my best to be respectful of him but that does not mean I won't drink. For a while I felt I had to hide when I drank. I bought the small wine bottles-drank it while he was out, and would put the empty bottle in my car to throw away somewhere else. How
Unhealthy is that? It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. And honesty, I felt like an alcoholic while doing it-even though I had one glass and was nowhere near drunk. I'm not going to live like that. I will not drink around him, but in not going to not drink. Maybe that makes me a bad person-all I know is this-when my grandfather first became sober he was at my parents at Easter-my dad asked everyone what they wanted to drink but when he got to my grandfather he said "would you like a soda?" My dad said that was the only time my grandfather raised his voice at him. He followed him into the kitchen and told him "you ask me what I want to drink." I don't think that babying the alcoholic does anything for them. They have to not want to drink. They will be around it in their life. Me not drinking cannot control his drinking so i don't really see a point.
Just as a side note:when I say drink I dot mean I'm out getting drunk-just having one or two. And if he asked me to give it up I would as long as he did as well
He says it doesn't bother him when I drink-yet he will bring it up in arguments or complain to his mom (who I am very close with) that I was drinking. It's very frustrating for me. I'm not a huge drinker but every once in a while I want my glass or two of wine. I don't have
A problem, so why can't I drink?
I know this may sound mean or what not-but I just got so fed up when I was not drinking at all-yet he was constantly drunk. Why am I holding back o watch you drink? I do my best to be respectful of him but that does not mean I won't drink. For a while I felt I had to hide when I drank. I bought the small wine bottles-drank it while he was out, and would put the empty bottle in my car to throw away somewhere else. How
Unhealthy is that? It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. And honesty, I felt like an alcoholic while doing it-even though I had one glass and was nowhere near drunk. I'm not going to live like that. I will not drink around him, but in not going to not drink. Maybe that makes me a bad person-all I know is this-when my grandfather first became sober he was at my parents at Easter-my dad asked everyone what they wanted to drink but when he got to my grandfather he said "would you like a soda?" My dad said that was the only time my grandfather raised his voice at him. He followed him into the kitchen and told him "you ask me what I want to drink." I don't think that babying the alcoholic does anything for them. They have to not want to drink. They will be around it in their life. Me not drinking cannot control his drinking so i don't really see a point.
Just as a side note:when I say drink I dot mean I'm out getting drunk-just having one or two. And if he asked me to give it up I would as long as he did as well
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thank you all for such honest answers!!! Means a lot to me.
I've clung to my nightly wine with a long list of excuses. In reality, if I HAD to admit it, I love my wine at night, I love the way it makes me feel and it is a habit that I look forward to. In short, I didn't want to. And, yes, it felt like I was punishing myself when he was the one with the problem.
Well, that may all be changing. While a bottle lasts me 3 days and I never drink to any sort of excess at home - I'm drinking every day. And out with friends. I agree with LivingLife4Me, I like alcohol which means I need to be careful, too. As Hypatia said - I'm not just rethinking this for him but for ME. When he stopped, I swear he saved my life. We were drinking together socially all the time, martinis. I can only imagine what that was doing to my body. I no longer drink any hard alcohol but wine is also, no kidding, alcohol. Like Ichabod, I will definitely miss a nightly glass of wine . . .
Recently found a great, cheap deal on the wine that I drink and brought home 2 cases. I've never have bought a case before and I bought 2.
This isn't him just wanting to cut down or stopping because he's having a few problems. My husband went all the way to end-stage. He nearly died and it is a miracle that he didn't. He started trying to stop and would binge every 6-8 months. I finally had it and kicked him out, he went on a full 2 week insane blitz by himself. 24/7. His addiction doctor had also given him sedatives for sleeping and anxiety (WHY THEY DO THAT IS BEYOND ME) and he was taking those, too. Long story short, I was waiting for a call that he was gone. He had the shakes, his liver was in trouble, career and marriage over - he decided to stop cold turkey on his own, totally alone by himself. He nearly died and at one point thinks that he did. He never had another drink again for nearly 3 years until his grandmother, who raised him, died.
I'm not taking about he him getting a little tipsy, this will kill him. He's young, there is a great life waiting for him. He's in AA and therapy. And if I'm with him, this is MY life, too. I can't stop for him but I certainly can support him. I so appreciate all that you've all written. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my actions.
I pray that none of your spouses or loved ones progress to the end stages - but this is where addiction goes. Forwards, not backwards. I suggest that we all become very clear on that fact. My husband is smart, kind, highly successful, talented, and proactive - this is a progressive disease that kills many. In cars, with cancers, with heart attacks, with failing organs.
This, 'spouses drinking', was a thread on the "alcoholics" forum. It woke me up in a big way. I was mortified to read that spouses were asking their addicted loved one to buy them booze, or coming home drunk, mixing drinks in front of them, keeping full liquor cabinets in the house. Couldn't believe it . . .
Then my eyes fell on the cases of wine that I just bought . . . nothing like a mirror to wake the sleeping denial-giant!!
I've clung to my nightly wine with a long list of excuses. In reality, if I HAD to admit it, I love my wine at night, I love the way it makes me feel and it is a habit that I look forward to. In short, I didn't want to. And, yes, it felt like I was punishing myself when he was the one with the problem.
Well, that may all be changing. While a bottle lasts me 3 days and I never drink to any sort of excess at home - I'm drinking every day. And out with friends. I agree with LivingLife4Me, I like alcohol which means I need to be careful, too. As Hypatia said - I'm not just rethinking this for him but for ME. When he stopped, I swear he saved my life. We were drinking together socially all the time, martinis. I can only imagine what that was doing to my body. I no longer drink any hard alcohol but wine is also, no kidding, alcohol. Like Ichabod, I will definitely miss a nightly glass of wine . . .
Recently found a great, cheap deal on the wine that I drink and brought home 2 cases. I've never have bought a case before and I bought 2.
This isn't him just wanting to cut down or stopping because he's having a few problems. My husband went all the way to end-stage. He nearly died and it is a miracle that he didn't. He started trying to stop and would binge every 6-8 months. I finally had it and kicked him out, he went on a full 2 week insane blitz by himself. 24/7. His addiction doctor had also given him sedatives for sleeping and anxiety (WHY THEY DO THAT IS BEYOND ME) and he was taking those, too. Long story short, I was waiting for a call that he was gone. He had the shakes, his liver was in trouble, career and marriage over - he decided to stop cold turkey on his own, totally alone by himself. He nearly died and at one point thinks that he did. He never had another drink again for nearly 3 years until his grandmother, who raised him, died.
I'm not taking about he him getting a little tipsy, this will kill him. He's young, there is a great life waiting for him. He's in AA and therapy. And if I'm with him, this is MY life, too. I can't stop for him but I certainly can support him. I so appreciate all that you've all written. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my actions.
I pray that none of your spouses or loved ones progress to the end stages - but this is where addiction goes. Forwards, not backwards. I suggest that we all become very clear on that fact. My husband is smart, kind, highly successful, talented, and proactive - this is a progressive disease that kills many. In cars, with cancers, with heart attacks, with failing organs.
This, 'spouses drinking', was a thread on the "alcoholics" forum. It woke me up in a big way. I was mortified to read that spouses were asking their addicted loved one to buy them booze, or coming home drunk, mixing drinks in front of them, keeping full liquor cabinets in the house. Couldn't believe it . . .
Then my eyes fell on the cases of wine that I just bought . . . nothing like a mirror to wake the sleeping denial-giant!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
There is alcohol in our home. I was never a heavy drinker. When my husband's drinking ramped up, I was pregnant and had nearly back to back pregnancies, so I really wasn't drinking then. I do however enjoy a drink. I keep cooking wine. I do cook with wine but my husband I discussed it after his detox while he was in outpatient rehab. I know there was a thread on here around that time, or later, where someone mentioned that beouf bourginon was not what they were sneaking around to get drunk.
That being said I'd be lying if I didn't say that his descent, detox and rehab time didn't change how I feel about alcohol and drinking. It's still a sensitive thing for me (my husband is only a year out of detox). When he got out of detox, we talked about alcohol in the house (he cleaned up his hiding spots) and me drinking. The consensus we reached was that the alcohol that was in our house prior to detox wasn't what he was hitting anyway (he wasn't drinking the wine, the cooking wine, the cooking sherry, and the stuff I typically drink), and while he would see my drinking as an excuse to drink before detox, he also saw waking up, getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting home from work, taking the trash out, etc. as excuses for drinking.
But I'm also still a minimal drinker - I have a 6 pack of cider with 4 left that has been in my fridge for 5-6 weeks.
That being said I'd be lying if I didn't say that his descent, detox and rehab time didn't change how I feel about alcohol and drinking. It's still a sensitive thing for me (my husband is only a year out of detox). When he got out of detox, we talked about alcohol in the house (he cleaned up his hiding spots) and me drinking. The consensus we reached was that the alcohol that was in our house prior to detox wasn't what he was hitting anyway (he wasn't drinking the wine, the cooking wine, the cooking sherry, and the stuff I typically drink), and while he would see my drinking as an excuse to drink before detox, he also saw waking up, getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting home from work, taking the trash out, etc. as excuses for drinking.
But I'm also still a minimal drinker - I have a 6 pack of cider with 4 left that has been in my fridge for 5-6 weeks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
My husband always maintained that he didn't care about wine, doesn't like and doesn't drink it. Also said that it was no big deal to have it in the house.
BUT after this relapse he slipped at one point and said - "hard watching you every night drinking your wine". . . he dropped it and never mentioned it again. But what it did was let me see for a moment - his side of it.
It's not whether he likes wine or not, it's that it's a substance to get high on. Interesting thoughts -
BUT after this relapse he slipped at one point and said - "hard watching you every night drinking your wine". . . he dropped it and never mentioned it again. But what it did was let me see for a moment - his side of it.
It's not whether he likes wine or not, it's that it's a substance to get high on. Interesting thoughts -
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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The other question is do we drink in front of our children? Does it make a difference if the A is not present?
The Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: The Family Disease" says that the issue of the non-alcoholic drinking at home is an individual choice to be made with respect to each couple/family. Same for keeping alcohol in the house, serving alcohol in the house to others, and drinking alcohol when out together. Great pamphlet all-around on a variety of issues, slogans and FAQs.
The Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: The Family Disease" says that the issue of the non-alcoholic drinking at home is an individual choice to be made with respect to each couple/family. Same for keeping alcohol in the house, serving alcohol in the house to others, and drinking alcohol when out together. Great pamphlet all-around on a variety of issues, slogans and FAQs.
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