From Optimistic to Pessimistic (long)
 

All thanks to becoming involved with an alcoholic.

First and foremost-I want to offer an apology to anyone that I have written an unsympathetic (I believe) response to, and it seems I have done that a lot lately...
I've noticed my posts here have become more and more negative, and not very encouraging to others.

I have always been an pretty optimistic person, always believing in hope and yes, sometimes miracles...always smiling, enjoying life, being happy UNTIL an alcoholic came into my life.
No sense in telling my story, most of you have been there, at some point, or you wouldn't be here.

I was doing so well with NC, almost 2 months and then BOOM, it happened again.
I let myself (and I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY) get sucked back in again the last 3 or 4 weeks.
Now, I find myself back to square one and so F**king angry at MYSELF (not him) I cannot even see straight!

So because I was so angry at MYSELF for allowing this to happen to me AGAIN, that my responses to others going through the same thing were pretty unsympathetic and almost cold.
I can't remember all of the posters but one that sticks out recently is:

LIZATOLA-I am so sorry for any of my words that came across as cold, uncaring or judgmental. My anger at ME came out in my responses to YOU.

No one needs to respond back, actually this is probably quite a selfish post, as I am trying to make myself feel better about something I did...
I just wanted to give a heartfelt, honest apology to anyone this applies to.

So here I sit, with tears in my eyes, feeling the same damn sickening feeling in my stomach I worked so hard for 2 months to get rid of....
I guess Alanon still isn't working for me yet...Back to day 1 for me.

Thanks for listening....

Even though I don't know what a "NC" is, this is such a beautiful post.

It's so nice to take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions!

NC is No Contact, Wishing Well.
Thank you.

Oh, OK. Don't beat yourself over the head for that. We're just human! You learned something from that and your post reminds all of us of the great power of apologies.

I used to think that I would look small if I apologized - what I've learned and your words show - we're not small by admitting our faults, we grow and become magnificent!

Bravo to you!

I've seen a tense post from almost every poster on this board except for a couple far advanced in their recovery, and although I've met none of you in person, I have a pretty good idea now of who is white knuckling it when.
And I am sure likewise others can see when my posts are off the mark...
we're all human, it's ok!
Don't recall you being one of the more...shall I say--judgmental? posters anyway...
I'm just sorry to hear that you're beating yourself up over being dragged back in, now is the time when you need some compassion for yourself!

Whatever you do ..... don't go back and read my old posts from 4+ years ago. When I do, it's like they were posted by a person I don't even know. I was a tad angry and confrontational, to say the least.

Progress. Not perfection.
Continue moving forward.
That's all anyone can ask. Including yourself.

To quote a wonderful member here at SR:
Onward we go, side by side.

AL,

:grouphug:


Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not at step one any more. You have gone NC before and seen that it works and you already know what to do. Those are big steps.

If we didn't make any mistakes we wouldn't learn anything. Now you have a much better understanding of why NC is good for YOU.

You are moving forward. Be proud of you progress.

Your friend,

I think it's a great thing to realize that you see other people through the lens of your own life. I believe we all do it.

Remember that the experiences you've had -- even the anger and pain right now -- are what will make you able to not only steer another course for yourself, but also have compassion with others.

We've all felt like idiots at one time or another. And I think I've exceeded my 15 minutes of stupidity many times over.

You never offended me, but I know that feeling that comes when I feel that I posted out of raw emotion rather than in the other poster's best interests... :grouphug:

Great post AL!

Sounds like the most important person in your life who needs an apology is YOU!

We've all been there. Don't spend too much time being mad at yourself. Look at it as part of your lesson - sometimes it takes repeated attempts at something to finally get it right. There's a quote by Thomas Edison that I love: We now know a thousand ways to not make a light bulb.

I never considered myself back at square one. To me it was another opportunity to realize what wasn't working in my life and change it.

Prayers for a peaceful day,
~T

We all "relapse" once in a while. Whether talking about NC, or not provoking (my big problem) or not enabling, or something else, none of us are perfect. All we can do after a fall is to get up, dust ourselves off, and keep on going... one step after another, one day at a time. :)

I look at my "mistakes" as fortification for my continued recovery.

They are only a mistake if I don't learn from them. Often plants have to be transplanted (stressed) to grow really strong roots. I do best if I remember that. Usually my stressful experiences/mistakes are my best growth opportunities.

This post helps me believe it or not. Because I know that I have had those thoughts, that I feel all warm and start remembering the good ole days, and then wonder about AH and I could probably work things out....Your post re-confirms for me that, it doesn't work out for 99.9% of the time. Jaysus, he is cheating on me, wtf is wrong with me for even having that thought? It's crazy-making, this disease. Then, the next day....nope, never again. The up and down is so frustrating.

No one is judging, we all go through the same emotions, and motions. Chin up...good thing out of this...NOW YOU KNOW it doesn't change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Owathu.....
I'm right there too....maybe it could work out... *smack* he's still cheating. Yes it is a roller coaster of emotion. Ugh.

Oh sweetie, I am a big girl and can handle what comes my way. I may be codependent but I can put on my big girl panties too, LOL!

You did not cross any lines with me and I certainly didn't walk away from my computer after reading your posts thinking, "Gee, what a b*tch that one is." Quite the opposite honestly. Everyone has different ways of communicating and being in a virtual community like this makes it difficult to express tone and true intention and feeling.

I am sorry you are hurting today. Thank you so much for sharing with us and I will be praying for peace for you tonight!