What are your Triggers?
What are your Triggers?
I've been thinking about this and noticed the same topic is posted on the recovering A forum. Thought I'd put it out there.
I find my triggers for wanting to call the xabf or go looking for him or whatever other obsessive actions I may take, all seem to come when I'm feeling either tired, lonely, or something has happened where I need comfort.
They also arise when I start to feel the rest of the world is living happy, wonderful lives with their SO's and I'm still sitting here by myself. (probably with good reason!)
So, knowing this, I need to make me an action plan on what I'm going to do when any of these trigger moments come my way.
My first thought is that my HP has a plan for me. It may not fit the timeline I have in mind. When I am ready, my HP will put the person in my path that I need to be with. If I'm not ready and try to attempt a R before that, I may end up right back where I was. So, I have to remember that when I am feeling lonely.
I have to remember I have great friends, here and IRL. They will support me and be there when I need encouragement or hugs. Virtual or real
When I'm tired and start to feel lousy and think about him or us, I have to make a conscious effort to know that's all it is. Cry if I need to, give in to the wave of feelings and then let it go. No actions are necessary. They are there because I'm having a weak moment. If I was in a stronger moment they wouldn't affect me and I know that.
Most important, he was never really a comfort for me that I needed anyways. All he did was hold me. I had to imagine a loving touch, soothing words and comfort in my own mind. He could never meet my needs, which made me cling to those few moments with him even more.
My other trigger is seeing him with other women. I know I need to prepare myself somehow with this one. This is the one I'm most afraid of. It's much easier when there is NC. I hope that will strengthen me on my own, but if any of the other trigger points are in play, then when this one comes along it's trouble. So, I definitely know I need to work on finding comfort within myself and others so I don't ever think I need him again.
I find my triggers for wanting to call the xabf or go looking for him or whatever other obsessive actions I may take, all seem to come when I'm feeling either tired, lonely, or something has happened where I need comfort.
They also arise when I start to feel the rest of the world is living happy, wonderful lives with their SO's and I'm still sitting here by myself. (probably with good reason!)
So, knowing this, I need to make me an action plan on what I'm going to do when any of these trigger moments come my way.
My first thought is that my HP has a plan for me. It may not fit the timeline I have in mind. When I am ready, my HP will put the person in my path that I need to be with. If I'm not ready and try to attempt a R before that, I may end up right back where I was. So, I have to remember that when I am feeling lonely.
I have to remember I have great friends, here and IRL. They will support me and be there when I need encouragement or hugs. Virtual or real
When I'm tired and start to feel lousy and think about him or us, I have to make a conscious effort to know that's all it is. Cry if I need to, give in to the wave of feelings and then let it go. No actions are necessary. They are there because I'm having a weak moment. If I was in a stronger moment they wouldn't affect me and I know that.
Most important, he was never really a comfort for me that I needed anyways. All he did was hold me. I had to imagine a loving touch, soothing words and comfort in my own mind. He could never meet my needs, which made me cling to those few moments with him even more.
My other trigger is seeing him with other women. I know I need to prepare myself somehow with this one. This is the one I'm most afraid of. It's much easier when there is NC. I hope that will strengthen me on my own, but if any of the other trigger points are in play, then when this one comes along it's trouble. So, I definitely know I need to work on finding comfort within myself and others so I don't ever think I need him again.
Relapse Prevention by Terry Gorsky
Great topic as a matter of fact I went to a treatment center near Yakima WA called Sundown -M- Ranch and one of their groups they put people in was called relapse prevention of course that was where I went. At the time though the only reason I was glad to be going into that one was cause it was the only group that was not segregated lol. I could talk to men and not get into trouble like people did in all the other groups.
Anyway we worked out of a workbook by Terry Gorski Relapse Prevention I urge anyone that wants to learn about triggers look it up. Ah Google a persons best friend.
What I found fascinating was all the steps that lead up to a relapse or all my triggers if you will. They had us put them down on index cards so we could see our pattern. One of mine was still trying to go to bars to just play pool or dance. Yeah right but at the time I really believed that was why I was going I was lonely. Like another post relationships were also a big one for me. God I could go on & on cause I have so many triggers but the difference today is I have a God who protects me and battles those so-called triggers.
Anyway we worked out of a workbook by Terry Gorski Relapse Prevention I urge anyone that wants to learn about triggers look it up. Ah Google a persons best friend.
What I found fascinating was all the steps that lead up to a relapse or all my triggers if you will. They had us put them down on index cards so we could see our pattern. One of mine was still trying to go to bars to just play pool or dance. Yeah right but at the time I really believed that was why I was going I was lonely. Like another post relationships were also a big one for me. God I could go on & on cause I have so many triggers but the difference today is I have a God who protects me and battles those so-called triggers.
Last edited by newby1961; 09-24-2012 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Add more.
Anger: your thoughts ARE about the A, and the A is living rent-free in your head; you want to resolve things or vent so you feel the need to communicate with or see the A.
Lonely: you are alone, longing, and you miss all the good parts of the relationship so your thoughts turn to the A, and the tenant just got another month of free rent.
Tired: your defenses are down and you are not strong at the moment so the one you turned to for comfort, the one that's "out," the A, just got an overnight or extended stay pass.
Lonely: you are alone, longing, and you miss all the good parts of the relationship so your thoughts turn to the A, and the tenant just got another month of free rent.
Tired: your defenses are down and you are not strong at the moment so the one you turned to for comfort, the one that's "out," the A, just got an overnight or extended stay pass.
Great responses, thank you!
I believe that awareness of my issues is a huge accomplishment, but I need this to change. Knowing about it and taking action to stop it from happening are both important steps.
I like the prevention book, I will look for that when I return my co-dependency books to the library.
I believe that awareness of my issues is a huge accomplishment, but I need this to change. Knowing about it and taking action to stop it from happening are both important steps.
I like the prevention book, I will look for that when I return my co-dependency books to the library.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I know for me
Just when I think, I know all of my trigger's and have them all in a tidy little box
A wind storm comes up, out of no where and BOOM, I have new triggers
that I didnt even know I had inside of me
Some of them can tip me upside down before I know it
but
I also know now, that I have tools to use, to pull myself back up....
Just when I think, I know all of my trigger's and have them all in a tidy little box
A wind storm comes up, out of no where and BOOM, I have new triggers
that I didnt even know I had inside of me
Some of them can tip me upside down before I know it
but
I also know now, that I have tools to use, to pull myself back up....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
My biggest trigger is feeling that I am not living up to my own expectations. When I am feeling guilty about this, I want to reach out to the A to save me from myself.
"I have not accomplished something--the A can save me from feeling this sense of failure."
How do you look down upon yourself? Over what issues? What bad habits? What makes you feel guilty about not having accomplished?
A lack of forward momentum will send us packing for the past...
Do you realize how far you have come in letting go? There is an amazing difference between this thread and your earlier ones...congrats!
"I have not accomplished something--the A can save me from feeling this sense of failure."
How do you look down upon yourself? Over what issues? What bad habits? What makes you feel guilty about not having accomplished?
A lack of forward momentum will send us packing for the past...
Do you realize how far you have come in letting go? There is an amazing difference between this thread and your earlier ones...congrats!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I get triggered by puting timelines on myself about what I "should" be feeling.
Actually having strong emotions can be hard for me, but it is the "shoulds" I do afterward. I feel sad about something not going as planned (okay), then it becomes a huge sadness about what I have lost in the last two years, then I obsess about why I am not further along in recovery....
It is a quick downhill slide from there.
If I get out of the shoulds, having the emotions are hard, but eventually freeing. I have to go through the feelings before I can heal. That was really hard for me.
Actually having strong emotions can be hard for me, but it is the "shoulds" I do afterward. I feel sad about something not going as planned (okay), then it becomes a huge sadness about what I have lost in the last two years, then I obsess about why I am not further along in recovery....
It is a quick downhill slide from there.
If I get out of the shoulds, having the emotions are hard, but eventually freeing. I have to go through the feelings before I can heal. That was really hard for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
My XAH has been gone for 10 days. I haven't had any urges to contact him or go looking for him.
I have conversations with him in my head. Conversations where I get to say: "When you did XYZ I felt ABC" and he doesn't interrupt and yell at me. They are just fantasies. Those conversations will never happen.
I haven't shed a single tear, although sometimes my eyes feel like I have cried, when I haven't. Perhaps I am very, very f@cked up.
I know he tried to hook up with a brothel and multiple prostitutes on his second night out of our home. This fact disgusts me.
Do I even have any triggers? Maybe they will develop in the future. It all still feels rather unreal to me. I'm going though the motions of working and maintaining the house and feeding the kids and pretending to be normal.
I have conversations with him in my head. Conversations where I get to say: "When you did XYZ I felt ABC" and he doesn't interrupt and yell at me. They are just fantasies. Those conversations will never happen.
I haven't shed a single tear, although sometimes my eyes feel like I have cried, when I haven't. Perhaps I am very, very f@cked up.
I know he tried to hook up with a brothel and multiple prostitutes on his second night out of our home. This fact disgusts me.
Do I even have any triggers? Maybe they will develop in the future. It all still feels rather unreal to me. I'm going though the motions of working and maintaining the house and feeding the kids and pretending to be normal.
Here's another trigger:
We are now divorced, and I work diligently each day to move on from the relationship. Most days I am doing great. But the occasional bad day does pop up, and it seems to coincide with moments where I, like you, feel vulnerable for some reason. Had a bad day at work, not feeling well, kids/family/job overwhelming me...you know...all the usual triggers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
I'm so new to this so I haven't really figured out my triggers. The only thing I do know is that as soon as it gets dark I start worrying, wanting to send AS a text (if he answers coherently I know he isn't drunk), or finding a reason to run to the grocery store (I have to pass his new place).
My fear is ease when I wake up and read the arrests from the night before and his name isn't there.
My fear is ease when I wake up and read the arrests from the night before and his name isn't there.
I think these are probably at the root of my triggers to.
I am starting to realize though now, many of the situations STBXAH creates involve anger thinking that it will make me call him and be sucked down the vortex again. He will leave messages attempting to talk to me "please call, it's about my parents", "I'm going to get things changed at the bank if you don't call me back", "I really just want to talk to me kids and this is. How you are behaving...call me back ASAP".
Or when I'm tired, really tired. I just want to call and holler at him. When I've been up with the baby half the night or I have sick kidlets, I am especially tired and angry that he isn't here to help.
Right now triggers or not, I just have to focus on my NC goal.
I am starting to realize though now, many of the situations STBXAH creates involve anger thinking that it will make me call him and be sucked down the vortex again. He will leave messages attempting to talk to me "please call, it's about my parents", "I'm going to get things changed at the bank if you don't call me back", "I really just want to talk to me kids and this is. How you are behaving...call me back ASAP".
Or when I'm tired, really tired. I just want to call and holler at him. When I've been up with the baby half the night or I have sick kidlets, I am especially tired and angry that he isn't here to help.
Right now triggers or not, I just have to focus on my NC goal.
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