What do I do??
 

My axbf sent me an email a few days ago. After not contacting me for three weeks. I recently went through a significantly life changing event, of which he was 50% responsible for. I begged and begged him to be there for me. He could not take it and he ran. I made it through alone and then with the help of friends and family. I had not heard from him since early September....

I changed my number.

Fast forward to Friday when I received an email from him. He claims to have been held in a mental ward, the day I needed him there the most. To be on sedatives now. Saying he has come to my apartment and tried calling.

In true A fashion it was all about his past few weeks. How tired he is because of the meds and that a "call would be nice" (!??).

The story seems viable.I know what happened between us would be a lot to handle on a sober day. Much less under the influence. His routine is to abandon me, run to the booze or drugs or the enabling axgf. Then in weeks, contact me with this change of heart, begging for forgiveness.

There is no hope for that now. I know. I fear if I don't respond he will continue to try and show up here. But if I do, it is engaging him and giving him an opening to start the cycle of manipulation and begging. All the Al Anon meetings and counselling feels like a mish mash of rules and boundaries...I cant think straight.

I feel awful if its true and I know he has NO ONE around him who is sober or supportive. Then I know, it cant be me anymore. I dont want to respond in anger and I know berating him would be "punishing him for his disease".

But I do not know how to handle this with compassion and detachment.

I am at a loss.

Don/t answer him for awhile,take your time responding until you get yourself centered again.
It,s important to not give your power away.

Ngaire

First of all, I am happy to hear you found others to support you in your time of need. your A can't be that person for you - regardless of what excuse he made and whether or not its true.

I have a dear long-time friend who is a serious A, and she flat out admits these days that she is a horrible friend. No more excuses. No more lies. Just "I am a drunk and I am a horrible friend". It's refreshing in its honesty! ; ) And I always know what to expect (nothing) so when something does happen I am pleasantly surprised.

So you don't feel compassion or detachment...that's ok. Just go with that for now - keep your distance - and allow yourself to be mad, disappointed, whatever it is you are feeling. But know you basically went to the hardware store for bread, and set yourself up for it by thinking this time may be different. I know that tended to make me maddest of all...at myself.

Prayers all is ok in your life now - and hugs from me,
~T

From "Hope for Today" September 9:
Another possible response: I'm spending some time in a "mental ward' myself: at Al-Anon meetings where I'm learning to "Think" and focus on my own needs and recovery. I'll be in touch when I get out. :)

His story may be viable, but he can find people (other than you) who will help him to remain clean and sober. If he was truly in a mental ward I am sure they would offer some recommendations of medical help and support groups like AA where he could go. You are exactly right that the cycle of manipulation is about to start all over again and I would strongly suggest you not respond.

I'd stay No Contact.
I do not respond to AXBF's phone calls or texts, or any emails that are personal in nature. It is "business only" from the moment I realized what was happening, which means only to discuss the practical matters that still need wrapping up.

Be strong.

I was hoping to hear from you L2L and Ziggy. I decided earlier today to just not respond. It makes no difference and I know how this starts and ends. Usually with him moved back in to my apartment and me wondering how the hell it happened. I was there for two years for support, companionship, abuse... I'm done.

:)
OMG this made me LOL because this is ME!! I still can't figure out why I let AXBF move in when I so LOVED living alone! Thanks for making me laugh, I needed that.