character defects
 

Hi,

Are being easily manipulated and dominated character defects?

If we are easily manipulated and dominated it puts us into the role of victim right? which is one part of the alcoholic/ codependent relationship.

Ngaire

I'm not sure Myles.....I don't feel like that is one of my characteristics.....

My relationship with my A has always been a battle for CONTROL or POWER. We both want to be the boss and the leader....neither of us will tolerate being manipulated or dominated.....trouble is our reactions to each other just fueled the fire.

I'm not sure about the victim thing either...it would seem to me that all involved are victims of a much bigger evil. Alcohol. Although it affects everyone involved in a different manner, we all suffer from the effects. I guess I don't see one party being the victim and the other not.

Maybe I misunderstood what you asked.... Constant

I was thinking of the victim role and how one is the dominant and one is the dominated one, one is the manipulater and one is the manipulated.

I don't know it was from something I read the other day when they said they were easily dominated and manipulated. I was wondering if they were referring to those things as being character defects. :)

Ngaire

Hi Myles! The term I'd use is "learned behaviour." I grew up with a very domineering father and a manipulative mother and I have had problems with these issues in all my adult relationships with men, including the current one. Learned behaviour can be unlearned, though, and I'm working on it! :)

Learned behavior!!! That's is......yes, I would have to agree with
Margo.

Now I see what you mean......Sometimes it takes me a while!!

Constant

Ummmmm very interesting, I never thought of it like that!


What would be the difference though between charater defects and learned behaviours?

Ngaire

Hmmm, I'm not altogether sure, Myles. Maybe there isn't a difference and "learned behaviour" is just a kinder, gentler way of saying "character defect." LOL!!! :D

I think when we use the word "defect" we're placing a value judgement on a behavior. Behaviors are valuable or not based on whether they serve in a given situation. If's not a defect to be submissive in an environment where blowing off your mouth will get you shot. It's not a defect to be easily dominated by your commanding officer on a battlefield. I think Margo's "learned behavior" refers to ways that we react habitually, whether it's appropriate to the situation or not.

I was looking for something in regards to manipulation and ran across this old post so I thought I'd bump it back up as I have a reply. LOL
Whether a behaviour is learned - or even if it's a character flaw - I think it's important to realize that whether by default of the learned behaviour, the denial of an existing problem, as well as many other realms of it all - we don't always know when we are being manipulated.
For example, I have a friend that cares about me so much that I can manipulate them to do whatever I want as well as manipulate them to feel what I want them to feel. In essence, they are like a puppet on a string.
However - take my ah - he can manipulate me whereas I've never known anyone else that could do that to me. Add in the fact that I don't even realize he's doing it and it creates a whole other issue. Is it that I'm naive or that I'm in denial? Maybe both.
Have I been the victim? Oh, definately! And I was good at it. "Poor me".
And yet through my recovery and my growth, my strength, etc. I still have friends that continue to point out to me just how ah plays with my head and manipulates me, my thoughts, my feelings, etc. Yes, I may be in charge of my own self - however, with mind games, it's like a con. You're getting taken without realizing you're even being scammed.
But what I've come to discover (at least in my own personal dealings) is that there is usually just a few types that are really manipulated.
1. The naive person
2. The person that loves another more than themselves
3. The person that lives in denial
4. The person that likes to be controlled.
I'm sure there are more and more varieties of this, these are just my own thoughts.

I think a better route for me would be to find a way to realize when ah is manipulating me. (being domineering, controlling, or whatever) so that I could recognize his defect and not sell my self esteem for it. ;)