seek

I am struggling to let go and BELIEVE there is a higher power who is orchestrating how things play out.

I often live in a state of anxiety and fear, dreading the next phone call, the next awareness of a relapse, the next delivery of "bad news."

I struggle with letting go of the dreams I had regarding the alcoholic - dreams of health and success and happiness. I know that perhaps those things will still happen - but the apparently trajectory has been interfered with.

I know that my worry does not help - that I cannot control when or if the alcoholic drinks or the price they will pay for doing so (in terms of their health, opportunities, extremely serious legal consequences, etc.).

I have to deal with my own grief and sorrow that someone I love is so sick and in my mind, often acts irrationally - that is a hard one for me because it seems so OBVIOUS to me what "right" courses of action are, and how difficult life becomes when "bad" or uninformed decisions are made. This is a hard pill for me to swallow.

I have a lot of judgment regarding what I deem "common sense" issues - It's difficult for me to grasp that people can choose to travel an extremely difficult road . . . I want to stop that trajectory . . . I keep trying in subtle ways to redirect . . . but, of course, nothing works. It is hard to know that loved ones can have very little positive influence (seems like we can have plenty of negative influence - I was told yesterday that his resentment of me can cause him to drink - I put that one back on him, but it is a subtle reminder that my association with him is not helpful . . .and I am sad about that).

Just trying to process the ongoing pain and sorrow . . . it feels like a full time job.

I have a belief that we all impact each other (Butterfly Effect - Quantum Physics) but that idea is rejected within the 12 Step framework - we are all supposed to be completely independent units. In a Course of Miracles, the thinking is that we are all one.

I am trying to figure out how I can live with this situation - it is so difficult to accept - there is so much judgment from society. Instead of bragging about my relative's success, I have to say nothing . . . I could never trust complete strangers to understand the situation - I don't even understand it. There is no way to make it okay, because it is fundamentally not okay. I feel sick writing that, so I think I will stop.

WishingWell

You always ask the most interesting and deep questions! Love that about you!

You know, I'm no expert on the 12 step philosophy. I don't prescribe to any one way of thinking, anyway. I absolutely do believe that we are each here to teach each other. Butterfly Effect - yes!

So my question for myself is usually - what is this here to teach ME?

And it's taught invaluable lessons. So many.

Here's one, I wrote this and put it up on my mirror in the thick of the nightmare when his addiction progressed to such a dangerous level years ago.

"People are deeply flawed. Don't expect so much from them."

Well, hey, that was a tiny step forward. Don't ask, but I don't know where I got this notion that human beings were supposed to be - so advanced? So perfect? So together? But boy, I was consistently living in a state of "SHOCK", despair, sadness, anger for decades over what other people were doing. My brain was wired to one station and damn if I was going to change it. High expectations + low returns = a life of misery.

As I progressed in my own journey and started to give up my ideal of how other people in my life "should" be, that message was crossed out and rewritten. A few years ago I scribbled >

"People are deeply flawed. Don't expect much from them."

My 100% wake-up moment and my door to freedom was when I was able to cross it out again and add >

"People are deeply flawed. Don't expect ANYTHING from them."

Wow. What's it like to live in a world with no expectations on others? To realize that their life is not my job. What they do is not mine to change. Do I do that perfectly? No but when I fall down into befuddlement and that "disappointment", I can now clearly see what I'M doing and let it go. Release. What's that like?

FREEDOM.

And then the path becomes - what do I expect from myself? What are you here to teach ME?

"I am deeply flawed . . . ."

That note remains, old, faded, scribbled and . . . priceless.

lillamy

For me, this is a day-by-day, and sometimes minute-by-minute struggle.
And it's one where I literally have to talk sense into myself.
I have to look at what is actually happening right now.
And then remind myself of what Barb Dwyer used to say: "Right now, I am safe. Right now, my children are safe. Right now, we are not in any danger."
And then I have to remind myself that all that fear of the future, all that worry, is useless and energy-draining.
Doesn't fix it every time, but I feel like I'm making headway.

I think any time we have dreams on behalf of other people, we are purchasing trouble for ourselves.

seek

Reponding to Wishing Well: Yes. I resonate, intellectually with what you wrote. I guess for me, it is an opportunity to heal my inner child. To reassure the little one that even though no human being in this material world is, apparently, dependable, predictable, healthy or whatever . . .I (the adult) can be counted on . . .it just becomes difficult to live in the material world, where assistance is needed from other human beings. It can be quite unpleasant to have a dysfunctional family - where is the joy?

So I have to heal my inner child and find joy in something other than human beings. That's a tall order for me and it makes my inner child extremely sad.

seek

The problem, for me, is that when your child or grandchild is doing well in school, say, or is healthy and happy - parents and grandparents are also happy. This is natural. When your child or grandchild is sick or struggling, or has made serious mistakes or lifestyle choices that result in pain and sorrow, then the reverse is also true: You are sad about that. That is human nature and to say it is somehow warped or there is something "wrong" with wanting your relatives to be healthy is really a stretch, in my mind.

WishingWell

Truthfully - I had to step away from my birth family. Love them, am here for them - but had to create a family of love outside of them.

I don't want to live dependent on how someone else is doing to decide how happy I'm going to be. Example, my husband relapsed. Anger, yep. Disappointment, frustration, you bet. Initially, yes. And now sadness. But . . . it's his journey, it's not mine. My responsibility is to be happy in mine. We can actually love deeper this way because there is no resentment blocking the way.

Working on staying happy used to sound "selfish". Now it just sounds sane. Losing our peace and happiness over someone else - doesn't fix, change, alter, help anyone or anything. It creates more misery, more anger, more resentment, less health for us and the world around us. Remaining healthy ourselves - adds positive energy to the world. We are the only ones who can choose whether we add peace or we can create our own harm. There is nothing to lose for anyone when we work to create inner peace. It's all gain.

But . . . when we change those around us may not "like" it or understand the change and that's another conversation.

Ilovemysonjj

Seek, thank you for starting an honest and insightful post. I am taking this one line as truth that -
"People are deeply flawed. Don't expect ANYTHING from them."

Wow. What's it like to live in a world with no expectations on others? To realize that their life is not my job. What they do is not mine to change. Do I do that perfectly? No but when I fall down into befuddlement and that "disappointment", I can now clearly see what I'M doing and let it go. Release. What's that like?

FREEDOM.

And then the path becomes - what do I expect from myself? What are you here to teach ME?

"I am deeply flawed . . . ."

That note remains, old, faded, scribbled and . . . priceless. "I am deeply flawed..." The rest is internal. This is a good daily reminder. Humility and Grace are gifts given to us daily and we should bestow the same on others.

seek

I totally agree with you. I am just not there emotionally or spiritually.

Impurrfect

(((Seek))) - I'm both an RA and a loved one who has/had people I love who are using.

I know addiction inside and out. I've been at rock bottom and I sought recovery. What I didn't know, until I started being drawn to this forum, was that I used because I couldn't deal with not being able to "fix" my A's, I couldn't make the dreams come true.

I had to learn to take care of ME, which was incredibly hard, but I'm much better. I can grieve for relationships that don't turn out the way I thought they would, I can grieve for my loved A's who just don't "get" what they are doing to themselves, but I can detach and let them do them, me do me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Titanic

What happens to justice and fairness and the two-way street, WishingWell? What do we do about the justified anger and resentments? The unfair treatment? The one-way ruts and traffic in our relationship and family cobblestones? When does that get "squared away"? We just let it all go? Poof, our bad feelings ON TOP OF the horrible consequences in our lives just gone, abracadabra?

I genuinely ask and yearn, amidst the tears.

lillamy

Absolutely. When your children and grandchildren are not doing well, it goes against your every instinct to detach and allow them to fall (and maybe get up, and maybe not) on their own.

There's nothing wrong with wanting your relatives to be happy and healthy.
There's a problem for you, though, if your quality of life is completely ruined by the choices other people make. That means basically another person has complete power over your life.

WishingWell

I don't know that I'm understanding the question.

Anger and resentment can be very justified. We have to authentically feel our feelings and honor them. What we can't do though is cling to them. We have to express and feel them but be free to release them.

Getting "squared away"? Does ruining our own life with long lasting anger and resentment really punish anyone else on earth besides ourselves? WE get sick. WE grow our cancer. WE create our heart attack. WE die. How does that create any justice for ourselves when someone else has hurt us?

They hurt us and then we hurt us more.

Am I understanding?

seek

I shared something about my interests yesterday with my grandson and he actually said, "I don't care." He was angry at me, at the moment, and that he actually even THOUGHT that (much less said it out loud), gave me some insight . . .he is not capable of "caring" right now. He is young and looks healthy, and I keep mistaking the surface for true health . . .and that is my problem.

As for the "squaring away" question above: I believe in karma and believe that there are consequences for all actions . . . I can't say what consequences might be for living your life in such a way that others are negatively impacted, but my "logic" tells me it can't bring the person happiness and my old Catholic tapes suggest atonement (and I guess in AA amends would be the same thing) . . .

He did apologize and ask if there was anything I needed, so that is progress.

WishingWell

OK, my family. My God the pain they've caused me. Insane amounts. (And Seek, Catholic upbringing, too!)

But one day what I realized was this. My endless pattern. My parents hurt me for the umpteenth time. I crawl home, cry myself to sleep, have a stomach ache, go spend more of my $$ on therapy, withdraw from the world, get depressed - lick my wounds. And then I really go for the gold and PUNISH THEM by not talking to them.

Yep.

What are they doing? Vacationing in Miami.

Something wrong with this picture?

And who can change it?

Titanic

Thanks.

Yes, but NOT an easy pill to swallow WishingWell!

What happened to someone making things right, karma, justice, fairness and all that though?

And there's little likelihood let alone any guarantee of apologies, amends, redressing harms and wrongs done, atonement, etc by the A.

MrsDragon

I think it depends what the action is; but why do we always feel that there has to be amends, atonement, or punishment?

I am able to let many things go' that others I know would cling to, and want revenge, amends, etc.

But letting it go', or feeling that it is really quite insignificant in the scheme of things; that is enough for me to find peace.

WishingWell

Do you think that Karma is ours to hand out? Really?

Karma is so far beyond our job. Karma is an energy in the Universe. We don't make Karma - it's a natural chain reaction on the planet. It will happen no matter what we do or don't do, to them and to us. To all.

Tell that person you're angry, tell them they let you down, write a letter, yell into the phone if you need it and then let go of it and go get ourselves happy and healthy. You cannot have both. Anger and joy cannot live in one body at the same moment. One kicks out the other. We linger in anger and we block joy.

Our sulking doesn't hurt them nearly as much as it hurts us. We stayed attached to them and their energy. When we release - we are able to move on with peace. Whether that is emotionally or physically. We've freed ourselves.

I used to hear this theory about being happy 'anyway' . . . and thought it was silly, and utopian. It actually looked like some kind of "cult" fantasy. BUT I was willing to give it a try because I was miserable. My "cling to my anger until the end" wasn't working. I doubt many people lived as much of a reactionary life as I did. I was a pro.

But . . . I was willing to change. Willing to look inside. Willing to work.

It worked. It's true. We can let go and free ourselves. We're never going to be perfect, but we can be happier and infinitely more joyful. That's our only job -

WishingWell

That's true. They probably won't. They probably can't. They're not yet evolved to that point in their growth. Many people aren't. Sometimes we're not.

So . . . why stay angry at them? If they can't or won't - then they too are harming themselves by staying stuck in a negative, dark place.

If we were to be truly "enlightened" ourselves, we wouldn't be angry at them, we'd had sympathy for the lack of growth. It's a hell of way to live when a person can't make amends. When a person refuses to grow.

The ultimate punishment - is to have wasted our life here. We'll never punish anyone more than that. (Or ourselves.)

Let the Universe handle it. And go get happy.

Impurrfect

I, too, believe in Karma and have had to learn that it works on it's own timeline, not mine. I wanted amends, apologies, etc. from XABF#3 but he died from the addiction we shared (one which I am in recovery for).

I had to let it go. I was never going to get what I thought I wanted. Instead, I found peace, I found compassion. He did what he did, but as an RA, I know that he never did it AT ME. It's just what he did....the same as when I was using.

I hurt a lot of people and have been able to make living amends. He never did. To this day? When I'm having a really good day, overwhelmed with gratitude, I "tell him" ...I'm going to tuck you in my heart and let you feel what recovery and gratitude feel like.

I'm okay with that, but it took everyone here to get me to that point. I still have loved ones who are A's, they annoy me, I want to smack them, but I know....it's their path to walk, and nothing I do or say is going to change it. I have to allow them the dignity of living their life, as hard as it is. Yes, I come on here and rant and rave, and I get lots of feedback and I calm down.

The 3 c's - I'm a firm believer in them, as both an RA and a recovering codie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

WishingWell

Amy, this just flooded my eyes with tears, it so beautiful.

I "tell him" ...I'm going to tuck you in my heart and let you feel what recovery and gratitude feel like.

I've spent some time reading the Grief forum and Addiction forums. I find myself crying many times at all the pain. Such pain these people are in. We're all in pain -

Love what you just wrote . . .