Third time the charm?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
Posts: 30
Third time the charm?
Husband in psych for 3rd time in 18 months for drinking. Tried to be supportive the last 2 times. Last night at visiting told him I wasn't coming back he needs to find somewhere else to go. Am I wrong? So tired of the lying. He cant keep a job and has been unemployed for months. Doing it all on my own and exhausted. Going to alanon next week for the first time. He did AA and quit. Thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Taking care of yourself is not wrong. If another person is boarding a train to hell, we are not obligated to get on too. If we are already on it, we can step off. We owe it to ourselves to step off because no one is going to drag us off.
I'm glad you found SR. Please post as much as you need. I found so much support here. The stickies at the top are great.
I'm glad you found SR. Please post as much as you need. I found so much support here. The stickies at the top are great.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Not only do you not have to get on that train to hell, you don't have to help him pack his bags for it, buy his ticket, or see him off at the station.
He is still at the place in life that he likes to bang his head against the wall and keep drinking. Yes, he has a sickness. He also has an incredible stubborn attitude that he can somehow keep drinking. Realize he is not completely weak. He stubbornly insists upon drinking after all he has put himself and everyone else through.
This is not simply a game of poor alcoholic can't control himself. They also are stubborn as hell.
Take care of yourself! Good call! You leaving him will only help hiim reach that bottom place where he says to himself enough is enough.
He is still at the place in life that he likes to bang his head against the wall and keep drinking. Yes, he has a sickness. He also has an incredible stubborn attitude that he can somehow keep drinking. Realize he is not completely weak. He stubbornly insists upon drinking after all he has put himself and everyone else through.
This is not simply a game of poor alcoholic can't control himself. They also are stubborn as hell.
Take care of yourself! Good call! You leaving him will only help hiim reach that bottom place where he says to himself enough is enough.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
When I left my AXH, I told his therapist that I was simply operating on instinct: We were all drowning, and I had a choice between letting us all drown or trying to get as many people as possible to shore. I dragged me and the kids to safety. AXH never admitted that anyone was drowning. So it's up to him whether he wants to drown or try to save himself.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
One of us here at SR has this signature about being on an elevator with one's A going down, closer and closer to the fire. One or both can push a button to get off at any floor. How low will each go? 
Yeah, the ignoring or "not caring" or "not nurturing" part FEELS so alien to us. Here's a great post on that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
Yeah, the ignoring or "not caring" or "not nurturing" part FEELS so alien to us. Here's a great post on that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Titanic 
One of us here at SR has this signature about being on an elevator with one's A going down, closer and closer to the fire. One or both can push a button to get off at any floor. How low will each go?
Yeah, the ignoring or "not caring" or "not nurturing" part FEELS so alien to us. Here's a great post on that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
Yeah, the ignoring or "not caring" or "not nurturing" part FEELS so alien to us. Here's a great post on that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
It is I who stubbornly kept getting BACK on the elevator over and over again!!! I must have packed him up 15 times in 4 years... every time he drank he would take off and I would pack his stuff and vow not to get back on the elevator again... but he always, always sweet talked me back on that d#$% elevator by promising "never to drink again" and he would go to detox, go to residential treatment, go to AA etc... but he always, always slipped away from authentic recovery and drank... he LOVES alcohol... and worships the HIGH when mixing booze and benzos!
Many of us have to get on and off the elevator many times before we FINALLY say NO MORE!!!! It is like the path we are on is firewalking and sometimes the stones are cool (recovery or abstinence) and sometimes they are warmer (building up to use) and sometimes they are red hot lava when they are complete and utter insane psycho's drunk out of their mind torturing us with the mean and nasty alter ego.
And we just keep walking on the hot stones and getting on and off the elevator to hell until we get enough recovery in us to say "NO MORE".
It is a lot better to let them ride the elevator themselves and when the door opens tell them that we are fine in the hallway (loving detachment) and if they want to jump off in the hallway that would be lovely but there is no drinking in the hallway.
That is my take on it. My ESH and how I found my way off the elevator. He is still in the elevator and right now his has bars on it! Got nasty with a police officer outside a casino...OOOOOOPS! Spending 30 days detoxing in the county jail... pretty stupid but typical A behaviors.
Guess the cop wasn't codie...lol. By the way....the cop showed up because the idiot had driven his mercedes damaged because he ran if off the road drunk and knocked the brake caliper loose and it sparked and caught the car on fire! Total loss... no insurance... now he is in jail.
Such a great life being a drunk. It's life on the elevator...glad I got off.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I think you are doing something positive for you both.
Taking care of your needs is always a healthy thing to do, and giving him the dignity to learn skills for selfcare is also healthy.
this helped me:
The cocoon & the butterfly
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man found the cocoon of a butterfly. One day, a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easilty. But it had a swollen body and small shrivelled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contrast.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shivelled wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon, and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the opening, were the way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its's freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in life. If God allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, we would not be as strong as we could have been. And we could never fly.
I think you are doing something positive for you both.
Taking care of your needs is always a healthy thing to do, and giving him the dignity to learn skills for selfcare is also healthy.
this helped me:
The cocoon & the butterfly
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man found the cocoon of a butterfly. One day, a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easilty. But it had a swollen body and small shrivelled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contrast.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shivelled wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon, and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the opening, were the way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its's freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in life. If God allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, we would not be as strong as we could have been. And we could never fly.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Babslove---sorry to "hijack" your post---but I think Pelican has posted a wonderful message that all of us need to remember.
Bab, I think you are doing the right thing for both of you---even though I realize that it is difficult for you to do this new behavior. You will be thankful later that you made a necessary boundry---and stuck to it!!
Keep the faith.
dandylion
Bab, I think you are doing the right thing for both of you---even though I realize that it is difficult for you to do this new behavior. You will be thankful later that you made a necessary boundry---and stuck to it!!
Keep the faith.
dandylion
PELICAN---Could you consider posting your catipillar story as a new thread---because it is a message that we all need to be reminded of (as well as Bab, of course)?Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
It is very exhausting!! - Been there - done that!
Glad to hear that you're exhausted! Looking at that in a postive term!
Sound's like you have hit your bottom and are ready to start taking
care of yourself! - GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
And, until he hit's his bottom and is ready to change - There's nothing you can do
He's an adult - let him figure it out
and you figure out, how your going to live your life
in peace or in constant chaos...The choice is your's
PROUD OF YOU!!!
Glad to hear that you're exhausted! Looking at that in a postive term!
Sound's like you have hit your bottom and are ready to start taking
care of yourself! - GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
And, until he hit's his bottom and is ready to change - There's nothing you can do
He's an adult - let him figure it out
and you figure out, how your going to live your life
in peace or in constant chaos...The choice is your's
PROUD OF YOU!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
Posts: 30
Oh my goodness. I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Visited him at the hospital today and told him he cannot come home. He begged for another chance. But I said no. He needs to do this on his own. It hurts but I feel stronger. Maybe one day we can try again but I am going to take it one day at a time. I talked to him on the phone and read him the enabling post to help him understand my decisions. Hope he gets the message. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Babslove...
My exah had been in the psych ward four times.
The last time...I felt alot like you. I was just exhausted. I knew he was pulling me under.
Shortly after he got out the last time he lived on the street for a while and then ended up checking himself into rehab. He wouldn't have done it if I had given him a nice, soft place to land (he wouldn't have needed to).
He was sober for a while but sadly, he went back out there. Now, he in jail and the judge has ordered a psych evaluation on him because he has been psychotic and delusional.
I thank God every day that I had the good sense to finally let him go the last time he was in the psych ward. I thank God that I haven't had a front row seat to his addiction as he spirals out of control. My Higher Power has been watching out for me and protecting me...but it took ME saying NO MORE for him to have room to step in and protect me and provide me with a safe, healthy, peaceful home (and our 13 year old son).
Maybe this is HIS bottom.
Maybe it isn't.
But it sure sounds like its yours.
It's uncomfortable...taking care of ourselves...putting our needs first.
We have this overdeveloped sense of responsibilty for THEIR well-being.
But it gets easier. With each good decision...it gets easier.
Hang tough.
Love yourself enough to save yourself.
Who knows...you might even save him in the process.
My exah had been in the psych ward four times.
The last time...I felt alot like you. I was just exhausted. I knew he was pulling me under.
Shortly after he got out the last time he lived on the street for a while and then ended up checking himself into rehab. He wouldn't have done it if I had given him a nice, soft place to land (he wouldn't have needed to).
He was sober for a while but sadly, he went back out there. Now, he in jail and the judge has ordered a psych evaluation on him because he has been psychotic and delusional.
I thank God every day that I had the good sense to finally let him go the last time he was in the psych ward. I thank God that I haven't had a front row seat to his addiction as he spirals out of control. My Higher Power has been watching out for me and protecting me...but it took ME saying NO MORE for him to have room to step in and protect me and provide me with a safe, healthy, peaceful home (and our 13 year old son).
Maybe this is HIS bottom.
Maybe it isn't.
But it sure sounds like its yours.
It's uncomfortable...taking care of ourselves...putting our needs first.
We have this overdeveloped sense of responsibilty for THEIR well-being.
But it gets easier. With each good decision...it gets easier.
Hang tough.
Love yourself enough to save yourself.
Who knows...you might even save him in the process.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No you aren,t wrong.Take care of yourself.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by Babslove
Husband in psych for 3rd time in 18 months for drinking. Tried to be supportive the last 2 times. Last night at visiting told him I wasn't coming back he needs to find somewhere else to go. Am I wrong? So tired of the lying. He cant keep a job and has been unemployed for months. Doing it all on my own and exhausted. Going to alanon next week for the first time. He did AA and quit. Thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: California
Posts: 13
Good for you for taking care of yourself. I told my husband when he went to his fifth rehab that he couldn't come home but we have a business together and couldn't afford two places so he is living downstairs and I am upstairs. He is not drinking but not in recovery either so we are living at a standstill. It is not a fun way to live but I am trying to work on myself before I make any permanent decisions.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Smart lovingwife. AA and Al-Anon both recommend waiting before making any major decisions like divorce, moving, quitting a job, separating, getting involved in a new relationship, etc. AA says at least one year. Al-Anon says at least 6 - 9 months absent domestic violence or abuse.
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