pattyG

I have been reading here for awhile, but today really need some support. My agf ended our relationship of 4 yrs. The relationship has never been good except for 6 weeks when someone else was interested. I have 4 children: a 5yo, twin 3yos and an 11week old. She is pigheaded, has a mental illness she refuses to take med. For. She came into my life when my oldest was 9months. She was here for the remaining children's births. With my youngest she insisted on having her name on the birth certificate or she said she was walking out of mine and the kids lives completely. After a horrible 20hrs of labor, the hospital informed us that unless we were married, she couldn't be on the birth certificate.she left the hospital and I spent the whole day and nite crying. I lied and told them we were married in Canada and the let it go. She is listed as my sons other parent. Ten days after he was born she left. She did the same thing when the twins were 6 weeks. This time her old drinking buddy is back in her life. She had warned me when she first met me that if she ever went around him again....I should stay far away from her. She lied to me for months that he wasn't in her life. I found out by accident and freaked. I stopped contact with her for a week. She was angry and insisted he has changed. He seems like a nice guy but he enables her drinking. She has been staying with him for the past 8 weeks.she has definitely changed since he has been around. She is drinking heavily, swearing constantly and I have caught her in numerous lies. She has been insisting she wants to move back in and be a family but I keep saying that until we sit down and have a discussion about expectations and she starts spending time with me...no dice. Anyway she had one of her tenants decide to move out Oct 1. She has said repeatedly that if I don't let her move back before then, she is moving into her apartment and will NEVER: live with us again. Her big condition was she wants the garage. Now I have 14houses and use that garage for my materials, but that doesn't matter. Anyway I had my workers clean the garage and figured if we worked things out fine but in the meantime my boat needs to be fixed and I need an indoor space to do it. She asked me today and I told her about the boat. She flipped. She texted me that we were done and she was done with the kids as well. I have not contacted her.I am at a loss as to what to do.I expect she will contact me eventually....but I can honestly say that in her current state I don't want her living with me. She refuses to get sober. When we first met she told me she was in a treatment program...which was a lie. The first 6 months I insisted she quit drinking and go to AA. She went and sat in the parking lot. The drinking no longer gets discussed. I thought if I let it go she would be happier...she isn't. Anyway, I know the best thing for me and my kids is to make her stay away. I always said I wouldn't keep her from the kids if we ended, as long as she paid child support, which she has. I think part of her motivation is that with her tenant leaving she is not happy about paying for the kids daycare.

suki44883

With four children, the last thing you need is a fifth one. She is not relationship material and anyone who can just announce they are walking out of their children's lives isn't parental material, either.

You have to decide what is best for your children since they don't have a choice on what or who lives in their home. They deserve better than this. I hope you will do the right thing by them and save them from having to live with active addiction.

dollydo

Welcome...I am Totally confused...is she the mother of any of these children or just a hang around girlfriend?

pattyG

I gave birth to all of them, she has no genetic relationship to them. I was always sensitive to including her as their parent, "our" children, naming them after her mom, etc.

pattyG

They look at her as their parent yet she has come and gone so often they are used to it now.

suki44883

Sorry, but she is an awful influence in their lives. You deserve better and they definitely do.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, PattyG. What a horrible situation...I am sure you are worried about your kids.

I agree with Suki; she isn't displaying responsible behavior for either a long-term partner nor a parent. Her unreliability will have an effect on the kids in the long run. I am not sure this person is a good influence on any of you. Unfortunately, this comes with alcoholism. Part of my decision to finally end my marriage had to do with the influence on my daughters. I had to consider that - it was a big factor in it all.

Keep reading and keep posting - it sounds as if you are in the awareness part of all of this, and best to be as educated as possible to take the best action step. Have you read Under the Influence?

Take good care,
T

dollydo

Thanks for the clarification. to me, she does not hava positive influence on your children. Children need consistancy, a feeling of oneness, of security.

I too, agree with Suki, children first...be the mother you should be, set the example, set the bar high...for them.