Changing addictions
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Vancouver Wa
Posts: 4
Changing addictions
Well my A is a dry drunk and has been for several years now. He started AA and couldn't make it past the 4th step.
He is on a rampage about sex and money today. We go though these days or weeks periodically but the majority is OK. I have just turned 40 I am in the middle of orienting in a new job and was getting ready for a wake when he started in on me today. He wants me to service him and I said no. So of course he starts yelling and now everything will "be diferent or else" he will make me miserable(his words) I can't beleive someone can talk to another person like that and think it's OK. He is really acting strangly and very unusual. Later in the day he calmed down but is still talking strange. if it continues I will leave but I will need time. I see this as a precurser to going " back out". We have been married for ten years and I needed to vent a little. I also need some Ideas on how to decrease the physical reaction my body feels. I don't respond to his ranting other than to say " i can't help you" or " i am not willing to do this or that" I remain nonconfrontational and he calms. However my body gets a headache and my gut starts going crazy. I know he continues with his addictive behavior eventhough he quit drinking, its always something else. Laurie
He is on a rampage about sex and money today. We go though these days or weeks periodically but the majority is OK. I have just turned 40 I am in the middle of orienting in a new job and was getting ready for a wake when he started in on me today. He wants me to service him and I said no. So of course he starts yelling and now everything will "be diferent or else" he will make me miserable(his words) I can't beleive someone can talk to another person like that and think it's OK. He is really acting strangly and very unusual. Later in the day he calmed down but is still talking strange. if it continues I will leave but I will need time. I see this as a precurser to going " back out". We have been married for ten years and I needed to vent a little. I also need some Ideas on how to decrease the physical reaction my body feels. I don't respond to his ranting other than to say " i can't help you" or " i am not willing to do this or that" I remain nonconfrontational and he calms. However my body gets a headache and my gut starts going crazy. I know he continues with his addictive behavior eventhough he quit drinking, its always something else. Laurie
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
(((((((((((((Laurie))))))))))))))), I just went to my doctor and my shirnks and I got put on meds. My body too reacts when someone gets upset and I'v noticed it in my kids as well. I'm trying to remain calm for thier sakes,but it's not easy. My husband does not know I just got him through a whole week of detoxing himself. Pitiful to see,but he made it. When I go lay down next to him, he thinks he is comforting me,but I'm letting him hold on to my strenghth. I don't know what will happen next or why should I care,but I know he is my children's father and they love him. So anyway, it's my reaction to things,so I'm getting help for my reactions. I can't blame him too much,but I did get back at him a little and it does my heart and wardrobe good 
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Hi Laurie,
My ex A was also a dry drunk. He was very controlling and demanding, especially where sex was concerned. We had many yelling sessions, full of anger, threats and manipulation if I didnt do my wifely duty and all that jazz....
At first, all I could do was say the serenity prayer over and over in my head as it was going on. (I don't know if you are faced with the threat of physical violence- thats a different situation entirely.) Mine would just rage til a vein nearly popped out of his head, and would continue harrassing me relentlessly for hours or days at a time. Once I realized he wasn't going to hit me or worse, I found ways to either separate myself from the conversation or put him off until a later time when he wasn't so upset.
In time I understood the underlying problem. As I became more independent, happier, self sufficient, DETACHED, and stronger, he felt as though he was losing control. And that was something he just could NOT tolerate... so in my case the anger and manipulation increased tremendously as he tried to get me "back in my place".
Al Anon and counseling were tremendously helpful to me... I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.
I hope my ramblings helped... the bottom line is that intimacy between partners requires loving actions and feelings on both parts. Otherwise it's just sex, sometimes just abusive, controlling sex.
HUGS
Barb
My ex A was also a dry drunk. He was very controlling and demanding, especially where sex was concerned. We had many yelling sessions, full of anger, threats and manipulation if I didnt do my wifely duty and all that jazz....
At first, all I could do was say the serenity prayer over and over in my head as it was going on. (I don't know if you are faced with the threat of physical violence- thats a different situation entirely.) Mine would just rage til a vein nearly popped out of his head, and would continue harrassing me relentlessly for hours or days at a time. Once I realized he wasn't going to hit me or worse, I found ways to either separate myself from the conversation or put him off until a later time when he wasn't so upset.
In time I understood the underlying problem. As I became more independent, happier, self sufficient, DETACHED, and stronger, he felt as though he was losing control. And that was something he just could NOT tolerate... so in my case the anger and manipulation increased tremendously as he tried to get me "back in my place".
Al Anon and counseling were tremendously helpful to me... I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.
I hope my ramblings helped... the bottom line is that intimacy between partners requires loving actions and feelings on both parts. Otherwise it's just sex, sometimes just abusive, controlling sex.
HUGS
Barb
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
If I refused my ex sex that was intolerable for him because it meant he was losing control. He would force me to have sex with him. And when I was going to counselling and Alanon in preperation to get away from him he began to hurt me on purpose when HE was having sex with me by ramming in order to "get me back in my place". Unless sex is loving and mutually desirable to both parties in my experience it gets to be some horrible abusive control game.
Ngaire
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Vancouver Wa
Posts: 4
We both brought kids to this relationship and the youngest is going to be 18 in march. So the kid thing isn't really an issue. But I need to survive untill I decide what to do. These rants have become farther apart over the years and we have done counseling. I think that as I get more detached the less I feel when he gets like this. I of course carry alot of baggage from past relationships and I enjoy beeing with him when he is "normal" but in the back of my mind I have the fear "of the return to crazy" It is allways there taunting me and I can't fully enjoy him. My last counseler said that I sould try to live in the moment but it seems hard.
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