A fight, every step of the way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
A fight, every step of the way.
I am depressed and it is really 'motivationally paralyzing'
I have made the decision, got dissolution paperwork. But I will have to press on with a divorce to get what I'm entitled to. My lawyer mentioned after filing we should also file a protective order so he doesn't fool around with his 20% share holdings in his business as he has threatened to do so.
That's the one that is getting to me. Something always tries to hold me back, or should I say, let my CODIE feelings creep back in.
This man has lied to me, etc etc. I DO NOT TRUST HIM. Why do I still love him and why do I feel paralyzed every step of the way? I shouldn't need reminded but the love and guilt/second guessing paralyzes me.
It sucks waking up some mornings and having to go through these feelings of doubt and guilt and HOPE.
I could use your stories right about now!
I have made the decision, got dissolution paperwork. But I will have to press on with a divorce to get what I'm entitled to. My lawyer mentioned after filing we should also file a protective order so he doesn't fool around with his 20% share holdings in his business as he has threatened to do so.
That's the one that is getting to me. Something always tries to hold me back, or should I say, let my CODIE feelings creep back in.
This man has lied to me, etc etc. I DO NOT TRUST HIM. Why do I still love him and why do I feel paralyzed every step of the way? I shouldn't need reminded but the love and guilt/second guessing paralyzes me.
It sucks waking up some mornings and having to go through these feelings of doubt and guilt and HOPE.
I could use your stories right about now!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I can relate. I had a counselor at the time and it really really helped me with this step. I did end up changing a few things in our divorce paperwork and boy did he lay it on thick with the guilt and the jabs. I was a wreck over it. It was certainly a fair thing to do and I still gave some here and there but the counselor helped me tease apart a small concession versus something that would impact the kids and I long term. What was fair and right versus what was guilt etc. What I felt I needed to do to take care of myself and what was reactionary etc. I'm not sure the counselor always agreed with me necessarily but she helped me find my way and clear away the confusion. I don't know that I could have done that or stood by it without her.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Lizloh,
Good for you for moving forward. Reading your post brings back many of the feelings that I have recently experienced. I too was conflicted about a protection order. Use that logical brain of yours. You recognize when your codie brain is taking over - that's clear in your post. When it does try and take over, slow down, take a breath and ask yourself what you need to do to take care of you. You know you are not "sticking it to him" regardless if he feels that you are.
It's okay to stand up for yourself and what is rightfully yours.
Is he worrying about taking from you what is yours? The answer to that is "no" since he has already threatened just that.
You can do this and you will get through this.
Hang in there. Hugs
MamaKit
Good for you for moving forward. Reading your post brings back many of the feelings that I have recently experienced. I too was conflicted about a protection order. Use that logical brain of yours. You recognize when your codie brain is taking over - that's clear in your post. When it does try and take over, slow down, take a breath and ask yourself what you need to do to take care of you. You know you are not "sticking it to him" regardless if he feels that you are.
It's okay to stand up for yourself and what is rightfully yours.
Is he worrying about taking from you what is yours? The answer to that is "no" since he has already threatened just that.
You can do this and you will get through this.
Hang in there. Hugs
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Gah :(
So true, Mamakit and Thumper. I feel I'm still at the foot of the mountain. Also without his problems I'll only have my own to deal with 
Someone said on here (maybe the 'things a normie wouldn't know' sticky)
That there are two 'warring factions' in your head. Blah! One day at a time. Fortunately it is easy for me to remind myself. And I do have a counselor but need one more relationship focused. I, like many of us, have huge relationship problems. And here's a good dose of honesty-I'm sitting here, nay camping, on the couch wallowing in my own sorrow and BO
Someone said on here (maybe the 'things a normie wouldn't know' sticky)
That there are two 'warring factions' in your head. Blah! One day at a time. Fortunately it is easy for me to remind myself. And I do have a counselor but need one more relationship focused. I, like many of us, have huge relationship problems. And here's a good dose of honesty-I'm sitting here, nay camping, on the couch wallowing in my own sorrow and BO
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Oh, I feel about the same.
I know that he has lied. I KNOW that he continues to lie. He has made up a whole list of things that he wants out of our separation. I have him most of his things with no drama (sorry, the guns are staying locked up for a while). I have agreed to let him see our children with his mother present. He launches into a tirade about how I'm keeping them From him. Then I feel guilty and think maybe I should just let him have them overnight. By himself.
I KNOW that it's crazy. I know i can't possibly let him have them (ages 1,4, and 7) alone.
It's just getting sucked down the vortex. I have to talk to my normies around me to see the insanity some times.
And now that I've rambled, I'm not sure if this is at all what you were looking for as far as stories go,but it's what I've dished up!
I know that he has lied. I KNOW that he continues to lie. He has made up a whole list of things that he wants out of our separation. I have him most of his things with no drama (sorry, the guns are staying locked up for a while). I have agreed to let him see our children with his mother present. He launches into a tirade about how I'm keeping them From him. Then I feel guilty and think maybe I should just let him have them overnight. By himself.
I KNOW that it's crazy. I know i can't possibly let him have them (ages 1,4, and 7) alone.
It's just getting sucked down the vortex. I have to talk to my normies around me to see the insanity some times.
And now that I've rambled, I'm not sure if this is at all what you were looking for as far as stories go,but it's what I've dished up!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
You need to think of what is in your best interest and the children's best interest, independantly of your soon to be xah's tirades! There are too many stories on the news daily about how a drama filled divorce/seperation has ended with the spouse and/or children ending up being attacked not to. Please tread lightly and know that as long as you are looking out for your children's best interests it doesn't really matter how unhappy he is with the situation.
I know you are conflicted with your feelings, but deep down you know what's best. Follow your gut!
I know you are conflicted with your feelings, but deep down you know what's best. Follow your gut!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Mamakit,
It is crazy. I feel so guilty for insisting that they be supervised until the proper court documents are in place. I know that many of his friends and co workers know the extent to which he drinks, but he has spent the past month telling them I'm crazy, so few want to cooperate in signing any documents. His mother agrees that his visits need to be supervised. All I hear from him is "so, you are saying I'm a crappy father. And an abusive alcoholic? Way to go, why don't you tell people I'm a drug addict too while you're at it". I do feel guilty. But deep down I know it's the right thing. I know that the only person who has "painted" him as an A, is him. and I also know that if something happened to one of our children when he had them unsupervised and drank, that I would know it could have been prevented by supervision.
It is crazy. I feel so guilty for insisting that they be supervised until the proper court documents are in place. I know that many of his friends and co workers know the extent to which he drinks, but he has spent the past month telling them I'm crazy, so few want to cooperate in signing any documents. His mother agrees that his visits need to be supervised. All I hear from him is "so, you are saying I'm a crappy father. And an abusive alcoholic? Way to go, why don't you tell people I'm a drug addict too while you're at it". I do feel guilty. But deep down I know it's the right thing. I know that the only person who has "painted" him as an A, is him. and I also know that if something happened to one of our children when he had them unsupervised and drank, that I would know it could have been prevented by supervision.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Yes, Confetti! It just helps me to not feel so alone, so thank you. It's bizarre how someone will treat you because they aren't ready to face the guilt-or the problem to begin with. If he heard a story about a drug addict and was asked about supervised or non I'm sure he would say 'hell yea' !!
I'm just sitting here thinking how it makes me sick to think of being without him and my road ahead. Then I thought, he never felt the same about losing me did he. But it is hard for them (or ANYONE) to self analyze or accept reality.
I'm just sitting here thinking how it makes me sick to think of being without him and my road ahead. Then I thought, he never felt the same about losing me did he. But it is hard for them (or ANYONE) to self analyze or accept reality.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sigh. This Alcoholic Refrain drives me nuts:
"All I hear from him is "so, you are saying I'm a crappy father. And an abusive alcoholic? Way to go, why don't you tell people I'm a drug addict too while you're at it".
If what everyone else thinks is so important to him, he should take responsibility for what he does and stop demanding and whining that everyone else -- especially you -- do it for him. No one cared more about what other people thought of him than my XABF, and no one was more adept at blaming everyone else for his terrible behavior when smashed. A fascinating study in contradictions, but an incredibly emotionally draining one.
I know you feel guilty and I am so sorry you feel that way. All I can say is that it gets easier, and you are on a better path. You have prioritized the most important thing (your kids) and he doesn't like it. You can't control how he feels about it, so hey -- at least you are doing your 'next right thing.' Kudos to you and stay strong. Lots of people here rooting for you.
"All I hear from him is "so, you are saying I'm a crappy father. And an abusive alcoholic? Way to go, why don't you tell people I'm a drug addict too while you're at it".
If what everyone else thinks is so important to him, he should take responsibility for what he does and stop demanding and whining that everyone else -- especially you -- do it for him. No one cared more about what other people thought of him than my XABF, and no one was more adept at blaming everyone else for his terrible behavior when smashed. A fascinating study in contradictions, but an incredibly emotionally draining one.
I know you feel guilty and I am so sorry you feel that way. All I can say is that it gets easier, and you are on a better path. You have prioritized the most important thing (your kids) and he doesn't like it. You can't control how he feels about it, so hey -- at least you are doing your 'next right thing.' Kudos to you and stay strong. Lots of people here rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
It makes me sick too lizloh. I have spent nearly more of my life with him, than without him. I love him. It hurts to fight and hear him say things that I can't imagine he actually means. It hurts to know that he now has a "connection" with someone else. It all hurts.
It seems like yesterday we were blissfully happy and now I feel like I have to convince him that those moments ever existed.
It seems like yesterday we were blissfully happy and now I feel like I have to convince him that those moments ever existed.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Yeah. And there's also worry about the future and loneliness while he does his thing, no doubt. No intimacy. No touches between beings in love, the way it was supposed to be. Nothing like that.
I hear you. Take it One Day at a Time. Not regretting, or dwelling on the irrelevant past. Not worrying about the future. Just Today, this hour, what's in front of you right now. Do your best and the next right thing.
I hear you. Take it One Day at a Time. Not regretting, or dwelling on the irrelevant past. Not worrying about the future. Just Today, this hour, what's in front of you right now. Do your best and the next right thing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Lizloh, It is so true that---the only people who can break your heart are the people who are IN your heart. Most all of us understand that pain.
Healing does happen, and joy does return, in time,
dandylion
Healing does happen, and joy does return, in time,
dandylion
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