A fight, every step of the way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
lizloh, this is a very tough situation and a very tough time. I feel for you.
I think part of the recurring shock for me of "how could AH behave in this new and rotten way?" is that I just can't imagine behaving in those rotten ways. It is so foreign to me that each new inventive incident shocks me.
When I left my AH 10 weeks ago, I seemed to have a compelling need to protect HIM even as I left him. I didn't have any clue that co-dependent behavior even existed, let alone be able to recognize myself as enabling. I knew I had to leave and leave fast because I couldn't possibly stay with his alcoholic abuse and his foisting his porn abuse on me.
But I didn't "get" that he was accountable for his behavior and its consequences. I somehow thought that I should protect him from anybody knowing about his alcohol and porn activities by not filing a fault-divorce, even though I needed to do that to protect myself.
This forum shook me upside and down, and then did it again, and again, until I finally began to understand. What did I understand, that is a very interesting question that I am wrestling with, and I think it is the key to why I was so co-dependent, to why I stayed for almost 20 years as his behavior got worse and worse.
In some ways, my "love" for him actually translated into my heart-felt obligation to take care of him and protect him from the consequences of his bad actions.
Without ever articulating it, I had taken on a responsibility for being a "good wife" and had defined that in a very peculiar way. Like in those gangster movies, I was the "fixer". And I was the fixer for AH.
So instead of a shared balance of responsibility and accountability between 2 partners, I incoherently assumed a role in which AH had the right to take the lead and take whatever actions he wanted to. My job was to do anything and everything to make that come out right. So I seemed to have a huge amount of latitude and range in what I could do. And it may have been that the definition of "come out right" was more mine than his.
What I didn't get was that AH was primarily setting the agenda by his first strike," I get to do what I want to" attitude.
So when I left him, and had to go against what I had determined to be in his best interest, I waffled, I cringed, I flailed. It broke my heart to think that I might be responsible for causing him pain. I couldn't get to understanding that HE caused himself the pain by choosing the actions he did. My comprehension did not begin at that starting point. I skipped that insight, and started at the point where it was my job, the fixer's job, to make anything he did come out right.
So I think I may be beginning to understand where that being paralyzed feeling comes from when I began to try to take actions on my own behalf rather than to protect him.
This is more musing than a clear insight to me, but I think I'm on to a really important path to follow.
Does this make sense to anybody? Has it happened to you, or am I all wet?
BothSidesNow
I think part of the recurring shock for me of "how could AH behave in this new and rotten way?" is that I just can't imagine behaving in those rotten ways. It is so foreign to me that each new inventive incident shocks me.
When I left my AH 10 weeks ago, I seemed to have a compelling need to protect HIM even as I left him. I didn't have any clue that co-dependent behavior even existed, let alone be able to recognize myself as enabling. I knew I had to leave and leave fast because I couldn't possibly stay with his alcoholic abuse and his foisting his porn abuse on me.
But I didn't "get" that he was accountable for his behavior and its consequences. I somehow thought that I should protect him from anybody knowing about his alcohol and porn activities by not filing a fault-divorce, even though I needed to do that to protect myself.
This forum shook me upside and down, and then did it again, and again, until I finally began to understand. What did I understand, that is a very interesting question that I am wrestling with, and I think it is the key to why I was so co-dependent, to why I stayed for almost 20 years as his behavior got worse and worse.
In some ways, my "love" for him actually translated into my heart-felt obligation to take care of him and protect him from the consequences of his bad actions.
Without ever articulating it, I had taken on a responsibility for being a "good wife" and had defined that in a very peculiar way. Like in those gangster movies, I was the "fixer". And I was the fixer for AH.
So instead of a shared balance of responsibility and accountability between 2 partners, I incoherently assumed a role in which AH had the right to take the lead and take whatever actions he wanted to. My job was to do anything and everything to make that come out right. So I seemed to have a huge amount of latitude and range in what I could do. And it may have been that the definition of "come out right" was more mine than his.
What I didn't get was that AH was primarily setting the agenda by his first strike," I get to do what I want to" attitude.
So when I left him, and had to go against what I had determined to be in his best interest, I waffled, I cringed, I flailed. It broke my heart to think that I might be responsible for causing him pain. I couldn't get to understanding that HE caused himself the pain by choosing the actions he did. My comprehension did not begin at that starting point. I skipped that insight, and started at the point where it was my job, the fixer's job, to make anything he did come out right.
So I think I may be beginning to understand where that being paralyzed feeling comes from when I began to try to take actions on my own behalf rather than to protect him.
This is more musing than a clear insight to me, but I think I'm on to a really important path to follow.
Does this make sense to anybody? Has it happened to you, or am I all wet?
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I remind everyone over and over that our "feelings" are generated by chemicals that our brains and body produce to induce us to stay with our significant others.... biologic and often no longer "love".
just juices... confused biologics.
Speak to the thoughts and the feelings and use your logical side rather than emotional to stay on track.
Stick to the codies morphing into "normies"... lol!
just juices... confused biologics.
Speak to the thoughts and the feelings and use your logical side rather than emotional to stay on track.
Stick to the codies morphing into "normies"... lol!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
YES Bothsides. In more ways than I thought I was even articulating! I have said this many times in the last 2 months
'it must be nice'
It must be nice to live in this dream world where you are unaccountable, and will use guilt to manipulate people!!!
It must be nice to never suffer the consequences of your actions! He drinks what he wants even when I say I will leave, but then I'M the bad guy when I do? That ain't how I operate
Thank you so much. I remember googling 'when to leave my alcoholic husband' that fateful night. As reliable as the ebbs and flows of my emotions are the waves of support I find here.
Tonight with my therapist it dawned on me, that my ego works hand in hand with denial. Surely I am enough for him to change so I will ignore the blatant signs and mistreatment, minimalize the problem and one day my life will be perfect!
Although now my ego has been too hurt. I've overlooked the mistreatment too many times. This is probably what helped waken me! He may not choose me or my feelings but I do, dammit
'it must be nice'
It must be nice to live in this dream world where you are unaccountable, and will use guilt to manipulate people!!!
It must be nice to never suffer the consequences of your actions! He drinks what he wants even when I say I will leave, but then I'M the bad guy when I do? That ain't how I operate
Thank you so much. I remember googling 'when to leave my alcoholic husband' that fateful night. As reliable as the ebbs and flows of my emotions are the waves of support I find here.
Tonight with my therapist it dawned on me, that my ego works hand in hand with denial. Surely I am enough for him to change so I will ignore the blatant signs and mistreatment, minimalize the problem and one day my life will be perfect!
Although now my ego has been too hurt. I've overlooked the mistreatment too many times. This is probably what helped waken me! He may not choose me or my feelings but I do, dammit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Obviously it's not nice, by the way. But here I am so strung along-and strung OUT-yet normies cringe at what we put up with! When was the last time the cared/gave/sacrificed for us ?!
Must be nice to feel no obligation, I guess is what I sarcastically mean.
Must be nice to feel no obligation, I guess is what I sarcastically mean.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Both Sides Now,
What you wrote makes complete sense to me. In particular, the comments that really ring true with me are how what we believed was love was really this obligation to protect them from the consequences of their actions and how we saw it as our job to make everything come out right.
Lizloh,
Isn't ego something else? I for one never thought I had this big ego. How could one who was so self-sacrificing by enduring life with a A have a big ego. They certainly are not mutually exclusive. In fact, my ego fed right into enabling him. I could fix him and make it work.
Edited:
Oh, I forgot to add, that we found this forum in the exact same way....after asking google for the answer to "when to leave an alcoholic husband. I bet many other found SR this way.
I for one am grateful.
Best,
MamaKit
What you wrote makes complete sense to me. In particular, the comments that really ring true with me are how what we believed was love was really this obligation to protect them from the consequences of their actions and how we saw it as our job to make everything come out right.
Lizloh,
Isn't ego something else? I for one never thought I had this big ego. How could one who was so self-sacrificing by enduring life with a A have a big ego. They certainly are not mutually exclusive. In fact, my ego fed right into enabling him. I could fix him and make it work.
Edited:
Oh, I forgot to add, that we found this forum in the exact same way....after asking google for the answer to "when to leave an alcoholic husband. I bet many other found SR this way.
I for one am grateful.
Best,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Haha! That is kind of funny....that is how I too found this forum! Then I sat and read everything around for a few weeks before I finally became a member.
In some ways, I did get a big ego. Yes, my STBXAH ego was/is fAr bigger than mine, but mine too was big. After all, I was his savior. I helped him out, I covered for him, I made him look good, I was a doting wife and mother, I didn't complain, all his friends (mostly other A's) adored me because GUESS WHAT??? I did all of those things for them too! (other than the wife part!). I sent in their paperwork, called the bank for them, called lawyers, helped them pick out Christmas, birthday, and anniversary gifts for their gf's or wives, I let them stay over, I drove them home, I gave them "good" advice, picked up their children, watched their children, let them go out and get hammered while their kids stayed with me! So yes, looking back, I can honestly say that I did get a big ego. I didn't have one A, I had three. It made me feel needed and loved. And now that STBXAH and I are no longer, my other two A's have made it clear that their allegiance lies with me....only I have stepped back. We will see just where they all end up, but I don't think any of them are ready for recovery....even though one had a plan for all three to check into rehab....the other two scoffed at the idea. (they don't have an out of control problem...ummm...ok)
I don't think that all Codies get a big ego....some I'm sure are the opposite, but for me, I can definitely say mine was over inflated.
In some ways, I did get a big ego. Yes, my STBXAH ego was/is fAr bigger than mine, but mine too was big. After all, I was his savior. I helped him out, I covered for him, I made him look good, I was a doting wife and mother, I didn't complain, all his friends (mostly other A's) adored me because GUESS WHAT??? I did all of those things for them too! (other than the wife part!). I sent in their paperwork, called the bank for them, called lawyers, helped them pick out Christmas, birthday, and anniversary gifts for their gf's or wives, I let them stay over, I drove them home, I gave them "good" advice, picked up their children, watched their children, let them go out and get hammered while their kids stayed with me! So yes, looking back, I can honestly say that I did get a big ego. I didn't have one A, I had three. It made me feel needed and loved. And now that STBXAH and I are no longer, my other two A's have made it clear that their allegiance lies with me....only I have stepped back. We will see just where they all end up, but I don't think any of them are ready for recovery....even though one had a plan for all three to check into rehab....the other two scoffed at the idea. (they don't have an out of control problem...ummm...ok)
I don't think that all Codies get a big ego....some I'm sure are the opposite, but for me, I can definitely say mine was over inflated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
Wow, can I relate to the above posts! My AH left 2 weeks ago after one serious relapse (of many in the past 2 years). He recently started a day treatment program... but I'm not hopeful. I am home with our 5 & 1 1/2 year old in my back pocket at all times it seems... I'm also only allowing him supervised visits, which gives me no time to myself (to go to Al-Anon, etc). I do have a great therapist thankfully. I'm exhausted, angry, sad, detached at times (this is what I want to be more often), and feel completely alone. He's done so much damage to this relationship and I feel like it's going to be impossible to re-build the trust. Now, I feel like I need to make a decision.... end the marriage and hope he remains sober in order to have a relationship with the boys... or give him yet ANOTHER chance. I need a crystal ball.... seriously.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by MamaKit 
Both Sides Now,
What you wrote makes complete sense to me. In particular, the comments that really ring true with me are how what we believed was love was really this obligation to protect them from the consequences of their actions and how we saw it as our job to make everything come out right.
What you wrote makes complete sense to me. In particular, the comments that really ring true with me are how what we believed was love was really this obligation to protect them from the consequences of their actions and how we saw it as our job to make everything come out right.
I found this place by googling "drunken abusive husband".
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