Keep your eyes on the road
 

So, it's been 3 months since AH threatened my life and was arrested. We have had no contact in this time. It has been awful dealing with the trauma of that event.
I've moved into a new place and have been discovering just how sick with codependency I was (am). But generally, I have been feeling like I am doing pretty well staying strong and positive.
STBXAH will be back in town and will be visiting with our boys for the first time since that event. (They've been communicating by phone and skype since he has been living out of state and the protection order prohibited physical contact). The visit will be supervised which I'm sure is supremely frustrating to him.

Just the anticipation of this visit is pulling me back onto the rollercoaster. And the only one responsible for me getting back on is ME!

I'm just amazed that after all of this work on myself and the understanding I've gained about his disease and mine, that it takes so little to bring me back there. I'm thinking about how he may be angry to see our empty house (where he will be staying). I'm imagining his reaction because there will be no salt, pepper, butter, or anything at the house to make things easier for him. I'm thinking of the things I can do to avoid (or control) a bad reaction from him...like setting out some silverware and dishes (which are there for him but in packed boxes). And maybe putting some food in the cupboards. I know that my motivation is to manage his behavior (can't control him) but it is a constantm, CONSTANT battle in my brain.

It makes me appreciate how fragile recovery can be if we do not keep our eyes on the road. I don't know if he is in true recovery or not -but I feel empathy for him because staying on track must be much more difficult for him.

I wonder if staying on track and keeping my eyes on the road will get easier the longer I do it?

Thanks for being there,
MamaKit

Oh, MamaKit.....he's a big boy now! He can buy paper plates if he has to. I'm sure his dinners will consist of take-out primarily, but that's OK.

Try not to 'awfulize' about what may or may not happen. Your boys will be supervised, and they will get to spend time with him--and you won't have to!

It does get easier with time and practice. Be kind to yourself today!

Yes it does get easier. I used the hula hoop imagery a lot in the beginning. Picture those hoops. Are his plates and salt/pepper in his hoop or yours? His! Then I would force myself to see something that was in my hoop and try and keep my focus on that. If he has a tantrum over something is that tantrum in his hoop or yours? His! Stay the heck out of his hoop. It is unhealthy, disrespectful, dangerous, and conceited to go mucking around in other people's hoops!

I call it a tantrum for a reason. a) it is pretty darn accurate and b) I had to do something to stay away from pity because that let do compassion (even if misplaced) and that led to me spending all my time in his hoop figuring out his problems and my boundaries would come crumbling down - insert confusion and fog.

Good post!

It really does get easier.

Yes, it does get easier. I sure do agree with Hydro, he is a big boy and you are not his mommy, he will survive the trauma of not having fine china to eat off of. He finds a way to eat day in and day out, he will find a way when he stays at the house.

What we codependents and alcoholics have a problem with is denial. What I've done in situations like this is plan how I was going to handle the situation. My Alanon sponsor suggested "bookending". I talk to her immediately before the meeting and call the moment I'm done. It helped to keep me grounded and take the right actions.

NYC,
Please don't take this as a defensive question - it is not. I am genuinely curious if you saw something in my post that pointed to me being in denial. I have not been looking at my situation as a problem of being in denial - what do you think I'm in denial about?
I've had many light bulb moments on this forum - and I don't want to miss one if you see something I should be taking into account.

You could just be speaking generally of codepency and not my post specifically. Just wanted to follow-up on your thought.

Thank you Hydrogirl, Thumper and Dollydo. You are like road signs giving me direction and good perspective.
MamaKit

I know you know this definition Mama, figured it's good for me and maybe another someone reading!

Denial: (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. From Wiki

Sometimes exact definitions help me. I see similarities in myself because I may feel the same sympathy for him. But that's only because I'm too in denial about how big of an A$$ he is! Also I am too uncomfortable with the fact that love can't fix everything, that this IS NOT the way our life together should've been :(
But we are taught (as little girls and women) to be hopeless romantics in a way. Eek!

There is overwhelming evidence that he deserves to not only be on his own, but also doesn't deserve your TLC :)
HUG!

Thank you Lizloh,
That is very helpful and I can see how denial is part of how and why I am feeling this way about his visit.

I am very, very uncomfortable with anger in the way my A expressed it. I don't want to experience it or face it. And I don't want to believe that his anger is so much a part of who he is. But, alas, it is.
Putting my head in the sand about anything and everything was very much a way of life for me living with him.

Clearly, my energy needs to be on my recovery and taking care of my boys. Not on arranging his flatware!!!!
:eat

Baby steps honey, I can't imagine that you would not have conflicting feelings, one minute at a time.

Katie xo

A nightmare coming back, MamaKit. At least this time you are awake and will avoid it!

You got training. You got a bullpen. You're on the mound. You got fans! :a122:



Love this, Thumper! Need to learn to hula-hoop! :)

It will.
I can tell you though that having gone through a similar trauma, just reading your post made me anxious. Even though it's been a few years for me. But that just means I understand, on a very visceral level.

I chose to not work through worrying about him. I chose to reject those thoughts and force myself to think of something else. Maybe it's the same thing, but any time he came to mind, I would go "not my problem. Now, I wonder what I should put on my sandwich?"

I'm glad the visit is supervised, but I can feel in my stomach how hard it is for you to let them go even to that.

The fear dissipates over time. It really does. And I've learned... having compassion from the outside which feels very different from the panicked responsibility I felt for him in the beginning. Now, when I hear something has gone terribly wrong for him, it's more like reading about an accident in the newspaper: I think "Oh that poor, poor man!" and then I go on with my day, if that makes sense?

Thanks all,
Titanic, that imagery works for me. I love baseball!
And KatieKate, you must remember my posts, I can get so easily overwhelmed when I look too far ahead and try and fix/deal with it all right now.....baby steps is the way for me. hugs
MamaKit

Lilamy,
I somehow missed your post earlier.

Indeed I have moments when I feel that compassion from the outside. But I think that panicky feeling comes through more. It's been difficult to proceess the worry and the guilt. But I think I am processing it with the help of wonderful people like you and others here on SR who have really educated me and helped me through this.

I am terriby anxious about this next visit. I very much trust the person who is supervising. I can take some comfort in that.

Hugs,
MamaKit