Ashconsebzoe

I’m sure this is a very common feeling, but I feel beaten, I don’t know what to do. I’m thankful to have found this forum as hopefully it will be a source of support and maybe give me some perspective on things and how I can handle my situation better.

So here’s where I find myself: my fiancé is an alcoholic. I’m 32, she’s 31. I didn’t know this when we first met, but I started suspecting it soon after. I’m going to preface this by saying I know we didn’t do everything right, and we moved way too fast. First, the positive: we met online in the beginning of July 2011, then in person a few days later, and fell in love fast. I felt like I’d found my soulmate. I’m a divorced man taking care of my two sons on my own, now 4 and 5, and right from the beginning she’s been incredibly accepting of my children. She had none of her own, and since my ex is all but completely MIA from their lives, I thought this was great. I thought it was a little much that she wanted to drink wine every single night, with us killing a bottle or two together being common. Just sitting on the back porch once the kids went to bed, sharing glasses of wine, talking. It was great. Little did I know what this was going to lead to.

So two months into our relationship she moved in to my house. She had only been visiting my area from NYC, staying with her paretns, getting away from the city for the summer after her divorce and losing her job. Well, that’s what I was told. Later I would find out that part of why she lost her job was having a seizure at work, brought on by her drinking. Three months in I found out she was a full blown alcoholic, and I now I felt like I had only contributed to the issue. She was finally sent to a facility after being taken to the hospital from another alcohol induced seizure, and at that point I had to make a tough decision: stick with this woman I’m completely in love with despite her addiction, or let her go. Well, obviously I decided to stick with her.

After that probably the worst/best thing happened: she got pregnant. Her whole life she was told she couldn’t have children due to having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, she had tried incessantly with her ex husband to no avail. But, it happened. This threw her hormones way out of whack, and she was very hard to live with as I’m sure any man living with a pregnant woman can attest, and she did have a relapse very early on, and then another small relapse a few months later. Thankfully, they were small, and she voluntarily went to treatment to try to get better. Thankfully that was the last of the drinking during the pregnancy, and now as of June we have beautiful twins, one boy, one girl.

Once the twins were born, though, things changed again. I was only able to take two weeks of paternity leave, and after that was done she almost immediately relapsed. I feel so naïve now, the twins are 12 weeks old and I just found out two weeks ago. This relapse has been serious, and is still going on. I only partially blame myself, she’s home with the children by herself a lot, she drops off and picks up my older boys from school, as well as stays home with the twins full time. I’m away from the house for work nearly 12 hours each day now since my job moved and I have an hour to hour and a half commute. So from 6:30 in the morning until 6:00 PM she’s on her own. Thankfully her drinking has been limited to between 1 AM and 5 AM when I’m sleeping, but it’s effects have been felt all day. She’s argumentative, one moment she loves me, the next moment you’d think I invented and spread cancer. I get accused constantly of wanting to go back to my ex wife (who we’re currently fighting with to keep her away from my children as she’s another train wreck entirely), it’s been hell. She’ll fall asleep an hour after I get home, leaving me after all day at work to take care of all the kids, get them fed, and to bed, then get up at 1:30 in the morning once I’ve gone to sleep and drink until 4:30 AM.

She’s simply become emotionally draining. The woman I love is still there, I see her from time to time, sometimes more often than others, but all too often it’s not her I’m living with. I live with someone who’s insulting, rude, and accusatory, I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells. It’s driving me crazy.

As a result of this current relapse she had agreed to go into treatment, again. So I took a week off work next week to accommodate this, to watch the children. But, due to the fact that she had a child services investigation from having alcohol in her system during a doctor’s visit for the babies while she was pregnant (her mother had driven her), she’s since decided to detox at home. She’s not an insanely heavy drinker, about a modest bottle of wine each day, but this is putting a lot of pressure on me. I already know that I’m going to have to watch her like a hawk, as well as caring for our 12 week old twins and my 4 and 5 year old. I know I’m going to have to make sure she eats well and stays hydrated. I’m expecting vomiting, diarrhea, and possibly seizures (I’ve dealt with far more of those the past year than I ever thought I would). I’m ready to call 911 if I have to.

I’m not sure what I expect to gain from posting this. Partially it just feels good to vent a bit, but I guess knowing that I’m not alone in dealing with things like this will also help. I know I need to start attending Al-Anon meetings, but even now that’s tough as someone needs to watch the kids. I need to make it happen though, no excuses. Any advice anyone can give will be more than appreciated, and met with open ears and mind. Thank you to anyone who read all that.

CentralOhioDad

I'm sure you know this, but did not state it in your post: if she's drinking that late at night, she is still drunk when you leave early in the a.m., and still drunk when she drives the older children to school.

And, who knows that she's not drinking during the day? Being home with twins is very stressful (heck, being with one is stressful!), which probably adds to her want of drink.

Have the older boys said anything to you about her behaviour in the mornings, or after school? I'm sure they can smell it and see 'the look' in her eyes after drinking all night.

Is all of this behaviour acceptable to you with 4 small children in the house? I feel bad for you, and fr the children. Can you afford daycare for the twins so that they are not around her in whatever state she's in during the day?

You aren't married, and sound as if you are engaged only due to the pregnancy and birth. And, since you are basically a single parent at night, is this what you want for all your children to experience going forward?

I'm not being mean, I'm just asking questions, which you may have already asked yourself. Please continue to post, this is a wonderful place to find support, listen to others' experiences, and learn much.

Sorry, one more question: you said "... she agreed to go to treatment..." - does this mean she's going thru the motions, or truly wants to get help? And are you medically trained to work thru a detox situation?

Welcome to SR, and much strength to you.

C-Oh-Dad

Ashconsebzoe

Firstly, thank you for the response! I'll try to address all your questions as best I can. As for her being drunk in the mornings, that I can be sure she isn't. She'll do two to three glasses of wine starting at 1 AM, then she'll polish of the rest of the bottle when I get home from work. Rinse, repeat. I monitor every purchase she makes, so unless she has cash coming in from somewhere else it's not happening more than that. On the weekends is another story, though.
Thankfully, no. I think they know something is up in the evenings when she falls asleep at 7 PM, but they always say they have a good time with her in the afternoons. To her credit, she's great with them.
It's in no way acceptable, which is what makes the situation so difficult. I don't receive any child support form my ex-wife (she's perpetually unemployed) so we can't afford any day care. Unfortunately money is far too tight to afford day care. Hell, her 1 bottle of wine a day is straining on our finances, but that's mostly due to a very large unexpected central air conditioning repair bill we had a month ago.
I may not have been clear, but we're not engaged due to the pregnancy, I really do love this woman. And during the times when she hasn't been drinking things have been wonderful between us. When she does drink, though, it's like she's an entirely different person. But no, I don't want this for my children, all four of them. I may be able to get her away from my two boys, but our twins wouldn't happen. For their sake I need to try to help her on her very long road to sobriety.
Thank you! I appreciate it, I sincerely do. Not all questions are easy ones, or those we want to ask ourselves. Believe me, everything you've said I've gone over time and again in my head.
Once I "caught" her drinking again she agreed to treatment with little urging. As far as whether I'm trained to deal with detox, of course not. I'm doing everything I can to read up online as to what will happen and what to look out for, but I have no medical training. Really, the only experience I have is her having numerous seizures last year before the pregnancy, where I did have to call an ambulance. Right now it's the only option I have, she refuses to go to a facility and I don't have the ability to have her Baker Acted. I'm just going to have to weather the storm as best I can starting Friday night.

Thumper

You have 12wk old twins a 4yo and a 5yo! You are a parent not a nurse to your adult alcoholic fiance and you are not a health care professional that can watch over her while she detoxes. Please - refuse to do that. Not to mention you do not need to subject your older kids to that scary business. I know it is hard. I did not have many boundaries when in a similar situation but I refused to do that (watch him detox) and mostly because I refused to subject my kids to seeing it.

I had infant twins and two older kids. I know what taking care of them entails. There is no possible way you can take care of those children and try to nurse an alcoholic, plus maintain a house and a job. You'll fall apart. Don't let that happen. Right now you have four babies and they need you to stay together because their other parent has already fallen apart. They are counting on you!

Your fiance will get better or not, you can figure out what to do about your relationship in time but make a list of what to do first so you can focus on keeping your life on track.

Based on my experience my list would be #1 is making arrangements for your kids while you are at work. Find some good daycare and it will cost a fortune for two infants and older kids. You can look into child care assistance through your department of social services if your income qualifies. #2 keep your job (you need stable safe child care to make this happen) #3 go to al-anon if you can and keep posting here - you are not alone and you will need support. If you want to stay living with your af then do so and if she is causing to much turmoil (logistically or emotionally) in your life make her live elsewhere. Focus on keeping yourself and your life on track as your number one priority so you can be a parent. I know all that is easier said then done and other posters will offer you lots of support on that topic.

You might look into FMLA through your employment to see if you qualify for some time there. You need time to make those arrangements. Not sure you can get it accomplished in a week. I did not look into that and I regret it.

Titanic

Wow! You have a handful. I feel sadness and empathy for you though I don't have twins in the mix.

Get to an Al-Anon meeting with babysitting as soon as possible! They do exist. Pay for the babysitting even if it were to cost you $30-40. The help you will get at Al-Anon will be worth $$$ more than any $120-200 therapy you might pay for.

She really needs inpatient, medically supervised rehab. How much does she weigh? A bottle a day is A LOT, and alcohol is cleansed out more slowly by women than men.

She's a full-blown A. There's a reason why it was so fast and furious. The active As know how to work and manipulate others. They are sly, deny, lie, ply and try while they fry.

They are also great at resisting anything that puts an obstacle between them and the bottle, including getting proper treatment and recovery.

Your kids are at risk with her "in charge." I KNOW that you are the kind of person that won't keep them in that situation. The last thing you need is for something to happen to them while in her "care." Child protective services has the power to remove them from the home altogether.

More from others next, and me later. All the best, my brother.

FoxInSocks

Oh you poor love!!! 4 children to look after and they are all very young, I would have to agree with CentralOhioDad....is she sober enough to look after all the children?
I know when I had my two boys I never had a drop of alcohol(was breast feeding) for the first 12 months then after that I maybe had a glass of wine or 2 once a week once they were in bed and if they woke up during the night it took me a lot longer to respond.
Is she interacting with the twins...I know they are only 12 weeks old but they need lots of love, cuddles, playtime, good routine, fresh air and fun. If anything was to happen to them during the day when you were at work, would she be able to cope/respond?
I can only sympathise with your situation but you must do something about the care of the children...if she is drunk she CAN NOT look after her self never mind children.

Ashconsebzoe

Thank you all for your support! I'm going to try to convince her to do inpatient treatement. Unfortunately I'm one of those middle class earners who's stuck in a financial bind: I make too much to qualify for any assistance at all (believe me, I've exhasted myself trying), but not enough for child care. The only thing I can do right now is get her treatment.

As for FMLA from work, I can't. I'm out of sick time, which is the only way I'd get paid for it, and I don't feel secure at all in my job. I'm secure so long as I don't make waves, but if I'm out with FMLA I may very well be out of a job. It's awful, I've been with the company for 12 years and make good money, but we were all just told as of 3 months ago that we had 2 weeks to decide whether or not we would move to a new building 30 miles away, and if not, tough luck, no job. So now my commute that was 25-30 minutes is a minimum of 60 minutes in the morning and normally 85 minutes in the evening. That's not helping the situation at home, believe me.

Titanic

FMLA is probably unpaid leave though, and daycare is too expensive. Can you get any of your family members to help? Maybe an Al-Anon person might be willing to do Step 12 service work to care for the kids during the day WHILE she's in rehab. Just a thought.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, from your Library if needed. Must read.

Get to Al-Anon ASAP.

Ashconsebzoe

She is doing great with the twins, and with my older boys in general. That's what makes things so hard. She's not drinking during the day, my grandmother is with her for a large part of the day to give her a hand, so that much I know. It's when I get home that this all happens.

Thumper

I don't know what I would do.

Well, what I actually did at that point was tell him I'd move forward with the paperwork already filed in court to have him escorted out by the police if he refused to go and insisted on detoxing at home. He went to the detox unit. I was at a different point in this process then you are though. I had already filed for divorce but put it on hold when he went to rehab. This was a detox after a relapse. He relapsed again and made no pretense of detoxing and we divorced.

Anyway - I hate to see someone held hostage like you are being held. It is wrong. Is there any one you and the kids can visit for 4 days or so?

I see from your other post you think she is safe with the kids during the day. Watch that closely. My ex was to - until he wasn't. I didn't catch on as fast as I should have and thank god every day that nothing bad happened. Very glad to see another adult is there during the day. Hang in there. Also, child care assistance might apply if there is only one adult in the house. I did not qualify while married - qualified for all kinds of stuff as a single person. I'm not saying to kick her out. I'm saying that if it comes to a point where she is NOT safe with them during the day, you have options. I'm praying she chooses recovery.

Titanic

What's Baker Acted mean or involve?

Ashconsebzoe

I really appreciate the concern, thank you. You have no idea how comforting it is hearing that other people can relate.

As for the kid situation, believe me, I'm watching it very closely. My grandmother is as well. I wish she was an option to watch the kids, but she's 80 and wouldn't be able to handle it. She's not senile or anything, but physically she wouldn't be able to handle it.

As for the time she's detoxing, the only thing I can really do is sequester her to the bedroom. I wish I had the power to send her to treatment, but since we're not married there's nothing I can legally do. Our house is big enough that that shouldn't be an issue. I'm going to be a wreck, but at least the twins are sleeping through the night, so I won't have them up all night.

Ashconsebzoe

This may be a Florida thing, I don't know. It's a way a family member, judge, or physician can have someone involuntarily hospitalized for examination for up to 72 hours, and longer if professionals deem they should be in a program. It's mostly for mental health issues, but can be used for addiction.

FoxInSocks

I though my AH was ok looking after my two little ones...until the police called me up!
I don't know your wife or you or anything other than what you have wrote...I do know about my husband though who even though I was with him all day he still managed to get drunk.
Anyway I really do wish you the best of luck with it all and hope your AF can get the help she needs.
Take Care

Thumper

Ugh - can't imagine. Well keep posting! SR was a god send to me.

No kidding! I hope that holds! I will not scare any new parents on the board with how old my kids were before they started sleeping all night. I do not grow sleepers that is for sure, lol. No spit up though. None. I always try and make myself feel better with that fact.

Ashconsebzoe

Thank you so much.
We're very lucky with that, I know. The fact that they'll sleep from 10:30 PM to 6:30 AM most nights amazes me, neither of my first two sons did that at 12 weeks.

Again, thank you all for the advice/support. I'll be sure to continue posting and reading, this helps so much.

FoxInSocks

hahaha that made me laugh!!!

my first slept through from 6.30pm to 6.30 am from 10wks in his own room and had 2 2hr naps during the day...the second on the other hand...took 6 months to get him out of our room!!!
If I'd had the second first there would have been no more...only joking!!!

Titanic

Thanks for the info on Baker Act thing. Get appointments (free first consultations) with a couple of different family/probate lawyers. You have going for you that you're not married to her, she doesn't own the home and she's endangering the kids. You're in an easier spot than Thumper was as far as drawing a boundary on what is and is not acceptable in YOUR home. She can be put out of the house, but don't use it as a threat to get her to go to rehab or count on her going to rehab if she's put out of the house. Whether she goes to inpatient treatment is her choice.

We cannot control or cure the alcoholic. You'll hear that at Al-Anon a lot!

Florence

One point of concern for me personally is knowing that one bottle of wine a day won't lead to the kind of catastrophic medical detox symptoms that your wife is experiencing. Please get to Al-Anon so you can start formulating your options, but it's very likely that your wife is not being 100% honest about what she's drinking when, and it's unlikely you're monitoring is the whole of what's going on. Speaking from experience here. My husband's problem was WAAAAAAAAY worse than I could ever have imagined on my own.

You're not alone. Welcome to the forums. This place has been a godsend for me.

CentralOhioDad

Amen to that!