Is it possible for them to change or is it another quack?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by justrae83 
Thank you. He just keeps messaging me telling me not to lose hope and to keep fighting and why wont i stand up for him. Its just so hard cuz i want to but i myself have doubts, if he changed and i knew he did...i would stand up. 
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
There's the old person "inside" that you loved, but one who had the seeds of an addictive personality, other addictions or the A genes.
There's the person descending from use or abuse into addiction.
There's the person who crossed over the "invisible line" into full-blown addiction.
There's the (possibly) sober person who is in early recovery but not emotionally sober, replete with "stinking thinking" or even "wet brain."
There may come to be a Recovered A, with whatever changes, risks and rewards that person brings to the table.
Which "person" do you want to have a relationship with? Which "personal" relationship do you want to work on, and when?
There's the person descending from use or abuse into addiction.
There's the person who crossed over the "invisible line" into full-blown addiction.
There's the (possibly) sober person who is in early recovery but not emotionally sober, replete with "stinking thinking" or even "wet brain."
There may come to be a Recovered A, with whatever changes, risks and rewards that person brings to the table.
Which "person" do you want to have a relationship with? Which "personal" relationship do you want to work on, and when?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Thank you all for your advice...i know what i have to do for the 5th time in my life. WALK AWAY from this man and stay away. Its so hard to say goodbye...i never thought i would love someone this much in my whole life, i just hope the next one is my future husband 
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
UPDATE* I spoke to him last night and told him that I needed more time to prove he has changed, not just 3 months. He blew up and said he has changed, its been over a year! I said yeah, for you... then you went off with another girl and told me you feel in love. Then when that was up in flames after only 4 months... we got together after that (not right away). I told him i needed more time and to be patient so I can see the changes.
He says he loves me but if i loved him then i would except that he is trying to get a car soon and he is trying for full time hours. He puts in postings everyday and that he dosnt care what my family thinks, he just wants me to at least tell my dad that i want to be with him. WHY AM I SO SCARED TO DO THAT!? He is changing ill give him that, but old habbits still pop up. I LOVE HIM SO DAMN MUCH but afraid of our future if i choose him. Cuz if i do, addiction personality, financial hardships will always be there.
He says he loves me but if i loved him then i would except that he is trying to get a car soon and he is trying for full time hours. He puts in postings everyday and that he dosnt care what my family thinks, he just wants me to at least tell my dad that i want to be with him. WHY AM I SO SCARED TO DO THAT!? He is changing ill give him that, but old habbits still pop up. I LOVE HIM SO DAMN MUCH but afraid of our future if i choose him. Cuz if i do, addiction personality, financial hardships will always be there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by justrae83
UPDATE* ... He blew up and said he has changed, its been over a year! ... He says he loves me but if i loved him then i would except that he is trying to get a car soon and he is trying for full time hours. He puts in postings everyday and that he dosnt care what my family thinks, he just wants me to at least tell my dad that i want to be with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you should be able to respect your request for more time. Someone who is honestly trying to win you back doesn't say "If you loved me you would (fill in the blank)." Someone who really loves you will want you to come on your own time, of your own free will. Someone who really loves you just doesn't make demands.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by justrae83
that he dosnt care what my family thinks, he just wants me to at least tell my dad that i want to be with him. WHY AM I SO SCARED TO DO THAT!? He is changing ill give him that, but old habbits still pop up. I LOVE HIM SO DAMN MUCH but afraid of our future if i choose him. Cuz if i do, addiction personality, financial hardships will always be there.
Here's the bigger question--or statement--You tell your dad what you want to tell your dad, when you want to tell your dad, if you ever want to tell your dad anything at all relating to this...
I see a man trying to control you. He wants you to tell your dad something? Well if YOU wanted to tell your dad that thing, you would have already said it!
If you want to say something to your dad, then say it. If you don't want to say something to your dad, then don't.
If he wants to say something himself to your dad, well then that's his choice...lol
But trying to tell you what to say to your own father...you do realize this is controlling madman behavior right?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
His very response itself shows a lack of any real change.
I think he's thinking to himself. "I'm dieing for a damn drink. Hurry up and get back together with me so I can quit the charade of winning you back with all my 'changes' and be the real me again. I can't be that person without an enabler and you are perfect for the roll. All this chit chat and blah blah blah about trust is annoying the crap out of me. Focus. You with the job and the car and me with my charming personality - win for me!"
I think he's thinking to himself. "I'm dieing for a damn drink. Hurry up and get back together with me so I can quit the charade of winning you back with all my 'changes' and be the real me again. I can't be that person without an enabler and you are perfect for the roll. All this chit chat and blah blah blah about trust is annoying the crap out of me. Focus. You with the job and the car and me with my charming personality - win for me!"
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
He's trying to get you to put a front up for your dad ... manipulating you into untruthfulness. It's not like he's even saying, let's work on the issues in our relationship and keep that private until we have a chance to work them out, so the "in-laws" won't get in our business! Just the opposite, he's saying pretend. That's what addicts and alcoholics do: cheat, conceal, cut corners, deceive, direct the "act," hide, lie, manipulate, omit, pretend, rob, steal, stuff, wall off, withhold ...
This is person #4 at best.
This is person #4 at best.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
One thing I do know... being sober 6 months isn't necessarily a sign of recovery. Before I had any experience with an alcoholic, I thought that they couldn't leave it alone until they were "cured". That, of course, is not true.
My AW actually stopped drinking for about 8 months, and I let myself start to become optimistic. I thought, surely she can stay sober after this long without it. Wrong. She's back at it now, and just as bad as before. The only change is that she's gotten more clever about where she hides it. Since I can't actually produce a bottle of booze, she thinks she can simply deny it.
I think you're right to be cautious, and skeptical.
My AW actually stopped drinking for about 8 months, and I let myself start to become optimistic. I thought, surely she can stay sober after this long without it. Wrong. She's back at it now, and just as bad as before. The only change is that she's gotten more clever about where she hides it. Since I can't actually produce a bottle of booze, she thinks she can simply deny it.
I think you're right to be cautious, and skeptical.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Deep breaths, slow it down and take a time-out. Never good to make a decision when we are spinning and being pushed.
Time is on your side. The flip side of his comments are - if you're changing then you won't mind giving me enough time to feel confident.
People do change. It's a ton of work. I've changed a lot but boy - I had to really want it. I'm not an alcoholic - change is hard for everyone. The problem with addiction is . . . it comes roaring back. So I want to see big change sustained over a long period of time. I need to see them doing the hard work before I feel comfortable.
And that goes for anyone in my life who is difficult. Just stay strong, stay in your own energy, go find some empowering books that will help you see more clearly. One for me is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". I think that book could help almost anyone in any circumstance!
Hang in there!!
Time is on your side. The flip side of his comments are - if you're changing then you won't mind giving me enough time to feel confident.
People do change. It's a ton of work. I've changed a lot but boy - I had to really want it. I'm not an alcoholic - change is hard for everyone. The problem with addiction is . . . it comes roaring back. So I want to see big change sustained over a long period of time. I need to see them doing the hard work before I feel comfortable.
And that goes for anyone in my life who is difficult. Just stay strong, stay in your own energy, go find some empowering books that will help you see more clearly. One for me is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". I think that book could help almost anyone in any circumstance!
Hang in there!!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Thank you...I woke up this morning i re read all the text and emails over the last couple of days. I keep reading them, the hurtful ones and uplifting from him. All his promises and I just had to have one last cry, pray and let him go. I said my peace, told him what I needed to be happy, he insist that what i want is ******** so....I let him go. I have to. These next few days are going to be the hardest. But lucky for me, i have had to let him go before and I survived. I can do it again.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Posts: 134
I am 29 years old and he is 35. I meet him when i was 22...I support myself and live with roomates now, i was living with my ex for 4 years and we were together for 6. My dad took me in after we split and help support me cuz we lost all our money from his addictions and I lost my job at the same time.
My dad told me that he never wanted to see his face again becuase of the pain he cuased me and help bring me back to life. So...you can see why my decition to give him another shot and not tell me dad was so crucial..we just started seeing each other again to hang out and see how things go for about 3 months. Then last weekend he had enough waiting and wanted me to tell me dad i was seeing him. I told him it was to hard cuz of everything and i still needed time to heal and see the change. HE BLEW UP and.....the rest is history.
My dad told me that he never wanted to see his face again becuase of the pain he cuased me and help bring me back to life. So...you can see why my decition to give him another shot and not tell me dad was so crucial..we just started seeing each other again to hang out and see how things go for about 3 months. Then last weekend he had enough waiting and wanted me to tell me dad i was seeing him. I told him it was to hard cuz of everything and i still needed time to heal and see the change. HE BLEW UP and.....the rest is history.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ok, thanks.
If you decide to stick with abf, there will be many prices to be paid. Most likely your father will be upset for a time, but, like most parents he will probably weaken, however, that situation is the least of your problems.
Your abf has already cleaned you out once, and since he has a disease that has no cure and the fact that he is not embracing a strong recovery program, that would assure me that he will clean you out again and again.
He has nothing, even if he were to get a full time job making $10.00 an hour where is that going to get him or you? He is not educated, he is not skilled, he is in debt up to his eyeballs and has little chance of digging himself out of debt.
And, most important...what's the rush to get back with him? What does he have to offer you, don't you think you deserve better?
It is your decision, your life, however, IMO you are again playing with fire and you will get burned...even worse this time...he is trying to play you, manipulation at it's finest.
If you decide to stick with abf, there will be many prices to be paid. Most likely your father will be upset for a time, but, like most parents he will probably weaken, however, that situation is the least of your problems.
Your abf has already cleaned you out once, and since he has a disease that has no cure and the fact that he is not embracing a strong recovery program, that would assure me that he will clean you out again and again.
He has nothing, even if he were to get a full time job making $10.00 an hour where is that going to get him or you? He is not educated, he is not skilled, he is in debt up to his eyeballs and has little chance of digging himself out of debt.
And, most important...what's the rush to get back with him? What does he have to offer you, don't you think you deserve better?
It is your decision, your life, however, IMO you are again playing with fire and you will get burned...even worse this time...he is trying to play you, manipulation at it's finest.
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