Advice for dealing with Recovering Spouse
One Day at a Time is the answer 6901. Today is it ok? Today what do I need to do for myself?
Even if you were to file tomorrow, you're still going to be financially connected for months. Is there some huge risk if you don't do something today? Hasn't it been only days after rehab?
Looking at it that way, TODAY, you don't need to think about the whether's, how's or what's of "to file or not to file."
Get it off your plate and eat something better instead. More will be digested and ingested!
Time will tell. More will be revealed. No need to force a solution. Easy does it. Those are lessons we learn in Al-Anon!
Even if you were to file tomorrow, you're still going to be financially connected for months. Is there some huge risk if you don't do something today? Hasn't it been only days after rehab?
Looking at it that way, TODAY, you don't need to think about the whether's, how's or what's of "to file or not to file."
Get it off your plate and eat something better instead. More will be digested and ingested!
Time will tell. More will be revealed. No need to force a solution. Easy does it. Those are lessons we learn in Al-Anon!
Dear 6910, taking care of your self and protecting your financial interests are not the same as making "rash decisions". It is your right---and responsibility to yourself. If you are not doing this for yourself---do you see anyone else doing it on your behalf??
I would listen to BobbyJ on this matter and see an attorney ASAP. As English Garden suggested--you might explore a legal seperation with the attorney to see what that provides for you. It is not the same thing as a divorce. It might be a valid proactive way to keep yourself out of the victim position. I don't see how these actions would interfere with her recovery process. Caring for yourself is not going to alter her recovery. Her reaction to this would be her responsibility to deal with---just as your reaction, right now, is your responsibility.
None of us have a crystal ball---we all have to deal with life on life's terms.
Keep your faith.
dandylion
I would listen to BobbyJ on this matter and see an attorney ASAP. As English Garden suggested--you might explore a legal seperation with the attorney to see what that provides for you. It is not the same thing as a divorce. It might be a valid proactive way to keep yourself out of the victim position. I don't see how these actions would interfere with her recovery process. Caring for yourself is not going to alter her recovery. Her reaction to this would be her responsibility to deal with---just as your reaction, right now, is your responsibility.
None of us have a crystal ball---we all have to deal with life on life's terms.
Keep your faith.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Control:
Letting go and trying to control the situation and start taking care of YOU
She may come back and may not - It suck's I know. Been there!
But hanging on, and trying to "control" the situation will drive you crazy..Been there!
It's a hard thing, to step back and release that butterfly. Gut wrenching!
But the most rewarding thing you can do is step back, and release your own
butterfly..And that would be you....
You're doing awesome by posting, venting and asking question's
That's a huge start...KEEP GOING - HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!
Letting go and trying to control the situation and start taking care of YOU
She may come back and may not - It suck's I know. Been there!
But hanging on, and trying to "control" the situation will drive you crazy..Been there!
It's a hard thing, to step back and release that butterfly. Gut wrenching!
But the most rewarding thing you can do is step back, and release your own
butterfly..And that would be you....
You're doing awesome by posting, venting and asking question's
That's a huge start...KEEP GOING - HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!
Update:
Well, I finally heard from my wife after essentially 15 days of zero communication. She called me late last night and basically said she was staying in Reno. I asked if she had set up a day treatment program, like she was planning on doing, and she of course did not. Just claimed that she is going to meetings. Not sure if she has been drinking or not because I didn't ask. She's quitting her job. I asked what this meant for us, and she said that we'll be separated. I know alcoholics and addicts do this, but it sucks being blamed (blame-shifting) for her disease. I was the closest person to her and, therefore, the easiest person to pin the problem on I guess.
Anyway, I told her that I will not be supporting her financially anymore. If she wants to go shopping and date other people, she can get a job up there or have her dad pay for her (even though he struggles financially). This caught her by surprise, but I explained that it would be ridiculous to to be supporting her when she's cutting me out of her life and doing who knows what. I told her that this is her choice and that's fine and I can't do anything about it, but I don't have to continue being her doormat when I've been nothing but supportive over the last two months.
I've been convincing myself over the past week (before this talk) that an end to this relationship might be for the best because, unfortunately, she may not be the best person to have a family with. It's still damn hard knowing that it's now pretty much over. Anyway, sorry if this is unclear or boring but I just had to provide an update and hopefully hear from any of you. I'm not sure if I did the wrong thing or not, but in my mind I'm trying to focus on myself and not be treated like sh!t anymore.
Thanks again.
Well, I finally heard from my wife after essentially 15 days of zero communication. She called me late last night and basically said she was staying in Reno. I asked if she had set up a day treatment program, like she was planning on doing, and she of course did not. Just claimed that she is going to meetings. Not sure if she has been drinking or not because I didn't ask. She's quitting her job. I asked what this meant for us, and she said that we'll be separated. I know alcoholics and addicts do this, but it sucks being blamed (blame-shifting) for her disease. I was the closest person to her and, therefore, the easiest person to pin the problem on I guess.
Anyway, I told her that I will not be supporting her financially anymore. If she wants to go shopping and date other people, she can get a job up there or have her dad pay for her (even though he struggles financially). This caught her by surprise, but I explained that it would be ridiculous to to be supporting her when she's cutting me out of her life and doing who knows what. I told her that this is her choice and that's fine and I can't do anything about it, but I don't have to continue being her doormat when I've been nothing but supportive over the last two months.
I've been convincing myself over the past week (before this talk) that an end to this relationship might be for the best because, unfortunately, she may not be the best person to have a family with. It's still damn hard knowing that it's now pretty much over. Anyway, sorry if this is unclear or boring but I just had to provide an update and hopefully hear from any of you. I'm not sure if I did the wrong thing or not, but in my mind I'm trying to focus on myself and not be treated like sh!t anymore.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
It sounds like what has happened was what she decided on not you. She left you, quit her job and told you she's not coming back, it sounds like all her choices and it left you with the only one that you could have made. Don't beat yourself up, keep taking care of you and heal from all this, you owe it to yourself.
Thank you for the update. I read some REALLY GOOD growth happening
for you!
Oh you ABSOLUTELY did the correct thing. You are giving her, her respon-
sibility for taking care of her. These are HER CONSEQUENCES for HER
ACTIONS.
I hope you have also cancelled any charge cards she has on your charge
accounts also. Now she will have the opportunity to be an adult and take
care of herself in an adult manner, or not, but it will be her choice.
Keep working on you! Your progress is shining brightly!!!!!
Love and hugs,
for you!
I'm not sure if I did the wrong thing or not, but in my mind I'm
trying to focus on myself and not be treated like sh!t anymore.
trying to focus on myself and not be treated like sh!t anymore.
sibility for taking care of her. These are HER CONSEQUENCES for HER
ACTIONS.
I hope you have also cancelled any charge cards she has on your charge
accounts also. Now she will have the opportunity to be an adult and take
care of herself in an adult manner, or not, but it will be her choice.
Keep working on you! Your progress is shining brightly!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Good for you. It is so hard and frustrating when someone leaves you so few choices. But you stood up for yourself where you could, and by following through, you will help yourself heal and move on. Wishing you strength in the days ahead. Acceptance takes it time.
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