quillan68

So, my AW is now my SBXAW. We had mediation today and entered into an agreement. I read an interesting article over the weekend about how there are no repercussions for lying in family court, which is a good thing for SBXAW, and helped me understand that there was no point in getting bogged down with blame. The court doesn't care - they just want both sides to get to a number. I am relieved that this is behind me, and feel a lot of stress lifting, but am also sad. She is still in such denial, and from what her attorney said is still drinking and taking pills. And I'm lonely - the world feels like a cold, unfriendly place. I'm sure that will pass - at least I sure hope it does.

The most troubling part of today is that - even with all the lies and false allegations of abuse that she made about me - part of me still wants to rescue her. I understand intellectually that I cannot do that - three C's etc - but the impulse is still so strong. So it looks like more Al-Anon for me, even after I am officially divorced!

nvpeale

Sending good wishes for you both. Remember - you are not alone.

Titanic

Any kids between you?

Seren

Hi Quillan,

I'm glad to hear that the mediation went as smoothly as possible. It helps with the stress, I'm sure.

When a marriage ends, it is cold, and sad....and the feeling will pass. Trust me on this one. I'm speaking from personal experience.

Please take good care!

OhBoy

Sorry you are having to go through this. The three A's go along with the three C's.
Awareness, Acceptance & Action.

Awareness for me is an intellectual process. Where my eyes are opened & I see everything as it truly is.

Acceptance is a spiritual process. I can intellectually accept things, but that, for me, is not true acceptance. After I have given my awareness all I can, I let it go. For me when I find true acceptance, I feel a calmness when I think about it.

Action is after I have let the other two guide me to where I think I need to go.

I know it is hard for me to accept that I can't rescue my AW. Yes, intellectually I have accepted it & my brain keeps telling the rest of me that I can't, but there a piece in my heart that hasn't yet accepted it. It will come when I am ready though. Of course not as soon as I would like! More Alanon sounds like a good plan, sounds like you are on the right path. Stay strong.
OhBoy

Lulu39

I'm sorry you feel sad. I trust it will pass in time. Enjoy the stress lifting, I'm trying to do the same myself.

My A has moved out. He raves on and on about what I am going to say to some imaginary judge in some imaginary court that he imagines we will end up in about something he imagines we need to go to court about.

Unless there is family court stuff due to disagreement about where kids spend their time, the fact is that it is about a number in the end.

quillan68

No kids, so that makes things easier/better. Really, I should be grateful. Things could have been so much messier and more chaotic. We planned to have kids together starting a few years ago, but I got scared off by how adamant she was that it was OK to drink while pregnant (she would say just a "couple" glasses of wine, but for her a "couple" glasses is a liter). And then, as her addiction got worse since 2010 or so, she also lost interest in kids - it was as though she recognized that she just wouldn't be able to care for them. The other piece of luck is that we didn't own a house together. We sold a house (mine from before the marriage) last year and although we looked and even made an offer, that stopped as our relationship deteriorated. But it is still so hard. I found myself on the verge of tears all day today. And as one of the other threads discussed, I found myself writing her a letter that I'll never send. But even if I did send it, would she even understand it?

Titanic

Nope. She doesn't understand herself let alone you.

She's loaded with "stinking thinking." Her self. Things like doing what's easy not what's right. Like seeing the world through "terminally unique" lenses. Like thinking she has a Get Out of Jail card to do whatever she wants because she is the exception, or has some supposed excuse or justification. Like harm to others is merely a little bit of collateral damage. Like the closest person to her is to blame for her drinking. Like escaping from reality and blacking out absolves or cleanses any guilt. Like others' lives and wishes don't matter or aren't as special ...

So sorry for the hard pain you are going through in this phase of your life, man.