m1k3

I think my biggest change was not only do I have choices about how I can interrupt the stimulus -> react cycle. Just like Al-Anon teaches, respond - don't react. This was a huge change for me. I finally woke up and realized that I didn't have to live life on autopilot.

But, I have possibilities. I have an infinite number of possibilities in front of me and I get to choose which ones to go for.

I just never saw the flip side of the coin. I can control what possibilities, what potential futures I want to choose. Doesn't mean they will work out or what will happen will be as I thought it would but I have the choice to determine HOW I want to live the rest of my life. That is a huge revelation at 58.

I look at my grandkids and think they have their whole lives ahead of them. You know what, I do too. Wow!!!

This change in perspective has me starting to work on opening myself up to my possibilities, to change in ways that just a couple of days ago I wouldn't have even considered.

Life is good.

Your friend,

CentralOhioDad

Right now, I don't see many possibilities - I feel like I'm in a huge whole struggling to find a way out. I'm a decade younger than you, and feel stuck in what/where I am, and a very dim future - just sort of drag myself through the day kind of future.

LaTeeDa

Boy can I relate to that! The last few years of my marriage, I felt so old and tired, I was resigned to just plod through life till I died. I was 43 at the time.

This weekend, I will turn 50 and I feel like a kid again! I'm so looking forward to the next decade and can't wait to leave my 40's behind. My life is full of awesome possibilities and adventures. Life is way too short and valuable to spend it trying to change an alcoholic.

L

Tuffgirl

I have always seen possibilities, just not in this way before. And the idea that we have so much power over it all, simply by changing the way we think and view the world. That distorted thinking may simply be an addiction to the emotions that it brings. That I can change the synapses in my brain by changing my emotional reactions. WOW!

I also found the idea of "love" interesting - it is just a chemical reaction, and many people are so addicted to the reaction that like any addiction, they crave it. And how we only have our experiences to filter all these emotions through anyway, so what we think is "love" may not at all be someone else's definition of it.

That totally makes sense in my marriage to an A. We had vastly different definitions of "love" to begin with ...neither of us could identify it in the other. And since we can only explain our experiences through our own life filters, no wonder he thought I was controlling, manipulating, and passive-aggressive...that is his filter in which he "knows" woman to be. So now I have to spend some time with myself and identify what my filters are.

The power to change all that - what an amazing thought! To be able to "shape" my day, to change my negative thought patterns, well...I still have a lot to think about!

P.S. LTD - I totally agree, I felt that way when I turned 40. Do I want to drag this crap into another decade? I already allowed it to dominate the last 5 years of my 30's...Starting fresh felt like a chance for a do-over, to become someone different. Now with all these infinite possibilities...where to go first??!!! LOL!

CentralOhioDad

Early Happy Birthday!

I felt the exuberance of the future even 4-5 years ago, now it seems like a fantasy..
Geesh, I'm in a crappy mood these last two days.. Yuck

Tuffgirl

I remember feeling like that - just as I began to make some changes in my life. That feeling was just too yucky of a place for me to want to stay there much longer than I did. Let it propel you into some personal change. Living like you are today is only temporary if you choose it to be. It doesn't have to be like this forever.

m1k3

CentralOhioDad, how about starting with small changes?

Something that I started just recently was every morning I list 3 things I'm grateful for. They can't be the same as yesterdays. This has been a big attitude changer for me. Just by spending the time in the morning to think of things to be grateful for puts a positive spin on the whole day.

With the change in attitude you can then start to see things that were always there but you just didn't notice. You start to notice possibilities that were invisible before.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

Your friend,

Titanic

Yes, COD, we're mired in quicksand.

Yet, if we go to our Al-Anon meetings and work our program, we have a rope in hand to pull ourselves out of the situation the A, alcohol and addiction f/mucked us into. Will we have to clean it up, mostly by ourselves? Sure. But we live for a new day. Today.

This Too Shall Pass, as we say in Al-Anon!

Thumper

I once described being married to an alcoholic as running in quick sand. You run and you run and you run until you are utterly exhausted - yet you never get closer to the good or further from the bad. You just sink until you can't move or breath.

But like you said - I discovered you can step out of it.

I posted once here about that feeling of joylessness. The feeling that I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop or that everything was just so much work. I would catch myself with a deep frown on my face and worry in my heart while I was doing an activity that I enjoyed - meant to comfort myself and add joy to my life. There was nothing particular to be weight down by. That was well after my divorce. I was inpatient with myself. I was frustrated that joy seemed so elusive to me still.

I discovered that the feelings above did not leave until I felt in my heart that my world was safe, secure, dependable, calm, and that I could trust that tomorrow would be OK. Tomorrow would be OK not because I tried to control and manipulat every last person or detail (which came from fear that tomorrow might not be OK because not even today is OK), but because my core needs for safety, security, consistency, dependability, ability to plan, etc. were met. I knew that in my head as soon as I was on my own but it took time to really feel it in my heart. To trust it. With those core needs being met and felt - I am free to be in the moment and enjoy what I have, which is a lot.

I have four small children and I am not a big risk taker so there are pretty rigid parameters surrounding my options for now. I will not be leaving my job although there are things about it that don't really 'work' for me. I will not be moving. I moved here because it is a safe and healthy place for a single mom on a small income to raise kids. Not a super great place for single mom to make friends or find social outlets. I won't quit because I can't risk a pay cut (on an already seriously tight budget) and less flexible hours just to try something new. Not now - maybe in 13 years

Anyway - point being that sometimes it isn't about all the possibilities (although I hope to come to that way of thinking some day for sure!) but also about living in the moment, which I have discovered is not as easy as it sounds.

LifeRecovery

I loved this movie (thought it has been years since I have seen it).

I just want to thank you all for reminding me that recovery is not about stopping feeling bad (which I feel like I have done), but about feeling good and full of joy (which is where my struggle is right now). I don't feel bad any more, but I don't feel like I come from a place of abundance quite yet either.

It also makes me appreciate how far I have come....how far we are all capable of coming.

PaperDolls

A polish wedding. Of course.


I'm going to watch it any way.

Katiekate

Mike, I just finished watching this, not only was it awesome, it was helpful.

Who Knew.

Thanks for posting about it.

Katie