Inner Child/Wounding/Triggers/Safety, et al
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Inner Child/Wounding/Triggers/Safety, et al
I posted on the tread about "Trusting the Untrustworthy" that I was having a hard time coming to terms with family betrayals.
I got some insight that I would like to share . . .
Seeing pictures of my children partying on their vacation (which I was supposed to go on) triggered a lot of deep pain related to being abused and rejected (just as a recap - "my story" is that my grandson is alcoholic and we have been going through a lot for several months and the family conspired to scapegoat me in family meetings and in many other ways - which was totally shocking to me. The result is that I have "lost my family" - and now they are off partying and posting pictures of themselves drinking and having fun and it triggered a lot of stuff in me) . . .
So I realized that my poor inner child is having all kinds of issues . . .she was verbally and emotionally abused as a child, and just recently, she was verbally and emotionally abused by her own children (and grandchild), which was totally unexpected and excruciatingly painful. She is in survival mode at the moment - me - her "parent" - the adult - is trying to get a loan to refinance my house and it has not been going well, which has triggered a lot of fear in me and in her . . . so neither one of us feels "safe." When I can take care of my basic needs, no matter what is going on, there feels like there is some grounding . . .but right now, nothing feels safe or sure. Plus my therapist is on vacation for a month (of all the nerve!).
When money is not an issue, there is usually some self-care I can do, which helps me and my inner child - can get mani/pedi's, massage, etc. All of that helps. Housing is such a core need - and to have that threatened, is just too much, under the circumstances.
This is just some context as to why I am so freaked out at the moment, in so much pain and feel sooooooooooooo excrutiatingly alone. There is no one who can help me with my loan. I have to figure that out. If I had a family, at least I would have someone to talk to about my fears - and with my therapist gone, there is no one to connect with.
At least I have pin-pointed what the problem is. I have to find a way to soothe my inner child and let her know that "all is well," and that "I" will take care of her, no matter what.
I got some insight that I would like to share . . .
Seeing pictures of my children partying on their vacation (which I was supposed to go on) triggered a lot of deep pain related to being abused and rejected (just as a recap - "my story" is that my grandson is alcoholic and we have been going through a lot for several months and the family conspired to scapegoat me in family meetings and in many other ways - which was totally shocking to me. The result is that I have "lost my family" - and now they are off partying and posting pictures of themselves drinking and having fun and it triggered a lot of stuff in me) . . .
So I realized that my poor inner child is having all kinds of issues . . .she was verbally and emotionally abused as a child, and just recently, she was verbally and emotionally abused by her own children (and grandchild), which was totally unexpected and excruciatingly painful. She is in survival mode at the moment - me - her "parent" - the adult - is trying to get a loan to refinance my house and it has not been going well, which has triggered a lot of fear in me and in her . . . so neither one of us feels "safe." When I can take care of my basic needs, no matter what is going on, there feels like there is some grounding . . .but right now, nothing feels safe or sure. Plus my therapist is on vacation for a month (of all the nerve!).
When money is not an issue, there is usually some self-care I can do, which helps me and my inner child - can get mani/pedi's, massage, etc. All of that helps. Housing is such a core need - and to have that threatened, is just too much, under the circumstances.
This is just some context as to why I am so freaked out at the moment, in so much pain and feel sooooooooooooo excrutiatingly alone. There is no one who can help me with my loan. I have to figure that out. If I had a family, at least I would have someone to talk to about my fears - and with my therapist gone, there is no one to connect with.
At least I have pin-pointed what the problem is. I have to find a way to soothe my inner child and let her know that "all is well," and that "I" will take care of her, no matter what.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Seek, I don't post a lot on your threads because I don't really know what to say. I don't have advice and my children are young. I have experience with doing things alone but then I think I'm wired to prefer that in some sense or at least it is how I've always done things so not a shock at least.
Anyway - I just wanted to send you some soothing internet vibes today. I'm sorry you are struggling so right now. Reach out to SR. You have so much to offer. I understand that some of it is just a matter of working through it but maybe there are groups you could join? Not that this would bring close people immediately into your life but it would be contact and give/take in a social way so you weren't so isolated.
Very sorry about the loan business too. I agree with you about the housing. I find a lot of security in having a house and when that was up in the air for me it was very stressful. Remember, you are smart and capable and no matter what happens on that front, you will figure it out and come out shining. You will. I have no doubt.
Anyway - I just wanted to send you some soothing internet vibes today. I'm sorry you are struggling so right now. Reach out to SR. You have so much to offer. I understand that some of it is just a matter of working through it but maybe there are groups you could join? Not that this would bring close people immediately into your life but it would be contact and give/take in a social way so you weren't so isolated.
Very sorry about the loan business too. I agree with you about the housing. I find a lot of security in having a house and when that was up in the air for me it was very stressful. Remember, you are smart and capable and no matter what happens on that front, you will figure it out and come out shining. You will. I have no doubt.
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Seek, have you ever read "The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success" by Deepak Chopra? It's a great book and I believe one of the laws directly addresses many of the things you have posted.
L
The Law of Detachment
In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty . . . in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.
I will put the Law of Detachment into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
2. Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
3. I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to an infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.
In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty . . . in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.
I will put the Law of Detachment into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
2. Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
3. I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to an infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.
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Thank you. I really appreciate the kindness. It would be nice to just be able to have coffee with like-minded, kind souls . . . I really just need a friend. Thank you for reaching out.
Oh, and I am an introvert and love to be alone - but my inner child is feeling abandoned and traumatized at the moment. It's the abandonment that is sending me over the edge.
Thank you again.
Oh, and I am an introvert and love to be alone - but my inner child is feeling abandoned and traumatized at the moment. It's the abandonment that is sending me over the edge.
Thank you again.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Seek, have you ever read "The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success" by Deepak Chopra? It's a great book and I believe one of the laws directly addresses many of the things you have posted.
L
L
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I had another insight . . . I am assisting with an elderly relative's care - and this person abused me (and still does on occasion) . . .
One of my huge fears is being trapped with her on holidays. Right now I am planning a b-day party for her, and I always want people to shore me up and help me for these occasions. Now I understand why . . . my poor inner child cannot do adult things like plan a party - and is so scared of this person and of holidays, in general - just because of the super bad feelings she gets . . .it's a toxic feeling of hopelessness and just ickiness. When my children were more functional, they would help me and it made my inner child feel safe. I guess they parented me in that way, though I just thought it was helping me with tasks . . .but doing so provided some emotional support, which is what I am so sorely lacking.
One of my huge fears is being trapped with her on holidays. Right now I am planning a b-day party for her, and I always want people to shore me up and help me for these occasions. Now I understand why . . . my poor inner child cannot do adult things like plan a party - and is so scared of this person and of holidays, in general - just because of the super bad feelings she gets . . .it's a toxic feeling of hopelessness and just ickiness. When my children were more functional, they would help me and it made my inner child feel safe. I guess they parented me in that way, though I just thought it was helping me with tasks . . .but doing so provided some emotional support, which is what I am so sorely lacking.
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Originally Posted by seek
Thank you. I really appreciate the kindness. It would be nice to just be able to have coffee with like-minded, kind souls . . . I really just need a friend. Thank you for reaching out.
Oh, and I am an introvert and love to be alone - but my inner child is feeling abandoned and traumatized at the moment. It's the abandonment that is sending me over the edge.
Thank you again.
Oh, and I am an introvert and love to be alone - but my inner child is feeling abandoned and traumatized at the moment. It's the abandonment that is sending me over the edge.
Thank you again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear seek, I know from personal experience that no one can wound us as much as our own kin.
I have found that I have had to lean on others for the nurturing that you would like from your own family. Your church and alanon are places where you might find kind and loving people.
Wishing you comfort. dandylion
I have found that I have had to lean on others for the nurturing that you would like from your own family. Your church and alanon are places where you might find kind and loving people.
Wishing you comfort. dandylion
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Sometimes I get so impatient with my inner child that I just want to say "oh, grow up already!" But then when I'm out with the dogs and start acting all silly and goofy then I'm really happy to be able to let the child out and play.
It is tough finding the right balance of adult and child within ourselves.
The child is first taught that parents are god-like creatures with ultimate authority who can also fix anything, but soon realises that parents are just humans with all sorts of human failings which can lead to great disappointment or even a crisis. Rebellion during the teenage years is often a form of deprogramming and accepting the reality that parents and family are also just people. It is often a time of detachment from the family and striving to find an individual identity, often within a new tribe. Then as adults we learn to recognise the importance of the family as our tribe of origin, and may or may not become even more attached, or re-attached to it.
This process is different for everyone, and not all go through a tumultuous time during their teens. Sometimes it is delayed into a person's twenties, or may suddenly emerge much later in life as a mid-life crisis. A few never get past their original programming and continue to view their parents and family as some sort of special beings.
It can be very difficult to overcome childhood conditioning. I still at times want to find some authority figure and demand "Why?!" That's when I recognise that the child needs some more time with the dogs.
It is tough finding the right balance of adult and child within ourselves.
The child is first taught that parents are god-like creatures with ultimate authority who can also fix anything, but soon realises that parents are just humans with all sorts of human failings which can lead to great disappointment or even a crisis. Rebellion during the teenage years is often a form of deprogramming and accepting the reality that parents and family are also just people. It is often a time of detachment from the family and striving to find an individual identity, often within a new tribe. Then as adults we learn to recognise the importance of the family as our tribe of origin, and may or may not become even more attached, or re-attached to it.
This process is different for everyone, and not all go through a tumultuous time during their teens. Sometimes it is delayed into a person's twenties, or may suddenly emerge much later in life as a mid-life crisis. A few never get past their original programming and continue to view their parents and family as some sort of special beings.
It can be very difficult to overcome childhood conditioning. I still at times want to find some authority figure and demand "Why?!" That's when I recognise that the child needs some more time with the dogs.
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Seek - I've been going through some crazy inner-child triggers lately too, so I empathize totally with how you are feeling right now. My situation is entirely different, but I've found it to be an ENORMOUS obstacle in my recovery right now.
I have actually turned to EFT to help draw my IC out of hiding, and wrote my own tapping script to identify with my issues specifically. It is helping tremendously!
(I'm also planning a short nothing-but-fun trip for the 3 of us... despite all the financial issues we are having, if I/we don't get some R&R soon it's going to get ugly. Plus, I got an insanely good deal that we'd be fools to pass on. It practically fell into my lap )
I have actually turned to EFT to help draw my IC out of hiding, and wrote my own tapping script to identify with my issues specifically. It is helping tremendously!
(I'm also planning a short nothing-but-fun trip for the 3 of us... despite all the financial issues we are having, if I/we don't get some R&R soon it's going to get ugly. Plus, I got an insanely good deal that we'd be fools to pass on. It practically fell into my lap
)
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