lafayette

My 51 yr old sister has been an alcoholic for approx 15 years. She has been in rehab 3-4 times, been arrested and thrown in jail a few times, in a psych unit and finally lost her husband and custody of her boys a few years ago. She lives off a nice alimony, which she will have it for quite a while.
She was a beautiful and accomplished college grad, who thinks she will one day again be the belle of the ball. She looks down on others and is very materialistic and narcissistic. Her 2 children, now 17 and 15, have really never known her any other way and love her and rarely set limits. They just know how to deal with it (on the surface at least).
She is the source of constant anxiety to my mom and my siblings. We can no longer let her come to our state and visit our family (constantly mentally combative, and physically as well when she doesnt get her way). She continues ot tell us she is fine and doing her "own" program- tells us she is going to AA and is sober, but she isnt. It drives her crazy that we will not let her come and visit (we would have to go and pick her up, as she is out of state and has no license). While she used to admit to her problems at least, now she believes the source of all her issues is that her husband abandoned her, and we have too. Its all "our" fault.
I know that she wont change until SHE wants to. What do we do in the mean time ? She expects that we just treat her as if she is fine and a part of the big happy family. Over and over and over we tell her that she needs to work a program and be sober if she wants to be a part of family events. I think my mom is wearing down, however, and is beginning to think we should "help" her more. My momhas attended al-anon once a week for years. She (my sister) has also been diagnosed as bi polar (mostly manic though if anything, rarely depressed) but refuses to take medications because of side effects.
I am the main communicator with her ( a few times a month) because no one else can stand her craziness and manipulation anymore. It is VERY frustrating to try and communicate with her. Half the time I just let her ramble (when I know she's been drinking) and half the time I tell her what I think (and she hangs up on me).
Any suggestions or ideas about how to maintain some type of relationship with someone who refuses to get help would be appreciated. THANK YOU !

seek

Why do you want to maintain a relationship under the circumstances? What is your motive for doing so?

Hopscotch

Hello Lafayette!
It sounds as though you are writing about my sister-in-law. (Kids, husband that she can't stand but won't leave, bi-polar, going to her 3rd or 4th rehab next week...)
I have (had?) the exact same questions and family situation. Long story short, I thought that because she was family that we had to have a relationship with her- after all, I have a relationship with my siblings, so my husband should too, right?

I tried for 9 years. Until I felt or relised that my efforts were not being reciprocated. We were only invited over when gift giving was involved, our invitations were ignored "oh, I never got your email..." or were taken up on with the strict minimum of effort (they left within an hour of finishing Christmas dinner) etc... We never once went out for supper together, not even coffee.
When discussing my frustration about the situation with a friend, she asked me the same question Seek just asked: Why do you want to maintain such a relationship?

I was a bit taken aback by the question.. Why DID I persist? There was nothing much but grief and frustration in this non-existant "relationship".
After a summer of more of her binge drinking, dissapearing, cheating drama, I decided to close that door. I knew the time and the decision were the right one when I felt serene about it. I no longer reply to their drama emails or texts, and I feel ok with that.

I'm sad that things didn't work out the way I would have liked them too, I'm sad that I can't help her get better, but I can't say that I didn't try in 9 years. You can't help someone who denies she has a problem.

If by this point I wasn't friends with them (living in the same city no less!), then I probably never would be. I'm just chosing not to let her hurt me or my husband anymore.

What is keeping you in this relationship? Are you getting as much joy as grief out of it? Do you feel that you have to, because she's your sister, and if you don't, no one else will?

Titanic

Here's another thread of a similar nature with lots of comments already:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...atch-22-a.html

Hope you find some guidance there and sustenance. Sad disease.

lafayette

Hi Seek,
thanks for asking. We are an extremely close family, and I feel a need to be a bit of a barrier between my sister and my mom. There is no way my mom can handle her on her own and while she tries to set boundaries with my sister, she cannot completely cut her off from contact. My father is passed so unless siblings are involved in handling all the crises, it would be up to my mom alone.

lafayette

Hi Hopscotch,
Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing your similar story. Yes, I think I feel that I need to maintain some relationship because she is my sister and to shelter my mom from the full burden. I used to be angry at her, but that ended (mostly) a few years ago when I just seemed to accept that I have an alcoholic mentally ill sister and I am not going to change that, so I just feel I have to find a way to deal with it. It is helpful to just reflect on your questions- this type of posting is new to me- but I appreciate how it makes me think about what I am doing.

Hopscotch

I completely get where you are coming from regarding wanting to protect a parent.
At one point, I felt bad about leaving my mother-in-law "alone" in her daughter's chaos. I understand that she has no choice, you love your child no matter what.
I'm probably more selfish than you are. I can't be responsible for everyone's hapiness.

I too appreciate YOUR experience here I can't say that I've accepted that fact yet, like you have, I've just closed the door to it.
Thanks for your insight here!