WorkInProgress8

i feel weak, scatter brained, and as if the strength ive been working to rebuild is crumbling. I just woke up and have already broke down in tears. My semester just started and i feel like im not retaining any information. Going to work is usually just me standing there going through the motions waiting to get off. Ive got even less time to spend with DS since school started which of course includes homework, so when i do actually get to hang out with him its short lived and i can barely enjoy it because ive got 1000 things running through my head. In addition, i began letting XABF spend time with our DS in August because he requested it and i wasnt going to allow my bitterness over the situation to have me make what i felt were selfish decisions. Overrall he was consistent But unsurprisingly there were times when he was late and now we are back to where we started and hes not there at all. Its been 2 weeks since hes seen DS, he didnt call to set up anything for Thursday, which is his day, and this is his weekend but i havent heard anything yet either. Yesterday i went against my better judgement and tried to call him from my work phone twice and also sent him a message on FB about the visitation-no answer, no reply- its so embarassing to me and i feel ashamed because i feel like i let him back in my head and i dont want him there. Last time i spoke to him he revealed that he was dating the same worthless ***** he was dating before got sent to jail in July. I dont call her a worthless ***** because im on some bitter exgf tirade, i call her a worthless ***** because she is one. She has a child, no job, doesnt go to school, had sex with 1 of XABF friends on a table while he was asleep on a couch literally just a few feet away, and she got a new bf soon after he got locked up. Knowing what i know about XABF alcoholism it shouldnt bother me but it still does. Logically i know shes just a way for him to get what he needs- alcohol- but emotionally im just like WTF!? He went from me to that!? Im not the greatest thing on Earth but i work hard, go to school, and think im a pretty good catch:Nevertheless, Id be lying if i said it didnt feel like a hit to my ego and self esteem. But what hurts most is that he'd rather waste time with that gutter troll than spend time with our DS that he proclaimed to want so badly over and over again during August, when he was actually around. I know, know, its not HER its the BOOZE. I just cant get my mind to focus long enough to remember that. Instead i just run through everything in my head and cry. Its like everything i learned here evaporated and im back to square 1. On top of that i got served with papers and have an upcoming Child Support court date that i just want to get over with. I tried to be nice and put my feelings aside but obviously i have waaaayyyyyy more issues i need to work on and deal with, so if they dont take him back to jail, hopefully they will let me modify our agreement and XABF can have supervised visits because i cant deal with him. I cant keep doing this to myself. For some reason i feel selfish even thinking about supervised visitation but i have to do whats best for me and im not keeping XABF away from DS, the atmosphere will just be different. It felt good to get this out.

Confetti

Hugs.

You are strong.
You are capable.
Know that there are people thinking about you and cheering you on....even when it doesn't feel like it.

Mizzuno

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Your doing the right thing for your son and for yourself. I know its hard. We are here for you. Just let it out. Have a good cry and then move onto the next thing thats in front of you. This too shall pass (((hug)

WorkInProgress8

I try. I really do. I felt like i was doing so much better and starting to feel so much better then BAM! I cant even enjoy my successes because of everything i have to do and deal with. Money is tight & Free time is non existent so i cant afford to go see my counselor and have nobody to watch my DS so i can go to ALAnon meetings. Yes, im having a pity party and i do not like it at all. Instead, I should be so proud of myself but im just bleh. Ive lost 40lbs and everyone is more excited about it than me. Im a single mother that works, goes to school and does very well for myself given the situation, whatever*shrug of the ahoulders*. I own my own car, cool*another shrug of the shoulders*. I feel like a brat. I really am blessed but instead of looking at lifes glass as half full, more often then not i look at it as half empty.

BlueSkies1

If you really are having a hard time finding a babysitter, pay the money once to whatever safe person you can find, and then go to an alanon meeting. I bet if you stated out loud that you need a sitter to attend alanon, you might get some sympathetic people who could help. There will be others at the meeting who are having someone watch their children, and there are often older women who might watch your child while you go to a meeting at a different time than they do. Nobody at an alanon meeting will want you to have to miss them simply because of babysitting difficulties.
Also you said you just started a semester. Most colleges have some link to babysitting, don't they?
Keep your chin up...remember these words--when there's a will, there's a way.

LifeRecovery

I just want to say that I felt like this for a long time after my break up.

When I finally, really started to deal with the drinking, the affair and all the rest.

I did not have school or a small child to deal with either.

Just sending hugs and warm thoughts your way. Also to let you know that your experience is pretty "normal" Or whatever that goes for in this situation.

Titanic

Al-Anon. SR. Al-Anon. SR.

Your program is calling you. Work it. It is the way out!

P.S. Of course, you already knew that!

dancingnow

Being a great mom, working, going to school, you are doing great. Let yourself feel good about all the positive choices you are making and actions you are taking.

You are making good choices for you and your son.

It doesn't matter what choices your XABF makes.

(((HUGS)))

There are some alanon meetings that have childcare arrangements on site.

SundayGirl2012

Hi WiP

From reading your post, you sound angry - angry about the gutter troll, angry about the visitation hiatus, angry about college homework, angry, angry, angry.

It was anger that drove me into Al-Anon - not sadness or wanting to know more about alcoholism or anything. Just feeling raw, ragged anger all the time.

I've done 8 meetings now, over about 4 weeks, and the anger is slipping away. It still rears its head sometimes but I no longer feel that I'm being fuelled by a surge of vicious, red-hot lava inside me.

I can't nip over the Atlantic to babysit - but I hope you find someone who can watch your DS while you try out the Al-Anon meetings. Perhaps one of your fellow college students could watch DS - in return for some cash, home cooking, borrowing your car - or just from goodwill?

Take care
SG
x

ShootingStar1

How are you doing today, WorkInProgress? I've been thinking about you, and I'm sure many others here on SR have been also.

Way, way too much on your plate right now, plus the disruption of so many conflicting feelings about your A. We hear you, and venting here is great. SR can be like a pressure valve that lets some of the steam out when you're just feeling too much to cope. Come here anytime and just let all those feelings hang out.

There's a saying here, you don't have to solve it all now, you just have to figure out "the next right thing to do". And then the one after that, and so on.

The suggestion here on SR that you find a babysitter to get to an Alanon meeting may be a great next step. If you haven't been to an Alanon meeting, generally they give you a list of people who are on a "call" list. And you could ask the leader or the Alanon group if someone who can relate to your situation would be a temporary sponsor you could call since you may not be able to get to as many meetings as you need yet. Building up your team of people who are there for you will be a great relief.

You sound like you are usually able to cope with a huge amount at once, and even if that part of you is temporarily obscured, it is still there, and you still have all those resources. You just have to find a way to access them.

Meditation can be very helpful in calming those churning thoughts. You can google meditation tapes on someplace like Amazon, and get one to use by yourself. Slowing down that over-stimulated brain of yours will help a lot.

Breathing is good! Sometimes I used to hear that song on the radio that says "just breathe", and I would remember to take a great big breathe and slowly let it out.

Just doing things now and then to make your DS laugh will help you both. Extra hugs, too, for you both.

I left my AH of 20 years just 9 weeks ago. Being in a crisis like this has been alternatively mind-numbing and chaotic, lots of intense feelings every which way. There is a saying, I don't have it exactly right, attributed to Buddha about what to do when you have disturbing thoughts.

"Acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea".

It brings up lots of images to my mind, and some of them make me laugh.

Maybe when some of those disturbing thoughts about what your XABF and his companions are doing, you can stop yourself and think about whether you really want to invite them into tea. Whether you really want their disturbing destructive behavior to enter the temple of your mind and heart.

For me, part of this transition is beginning to re-set my internal compass to point toward a better future, a new and brighter star. Let the old path go. Dream of the way to the future, and with each dream, with each step, you'll be closer to the life you want and deserve.

We're here for you,

BothSidesNow

Titanic

Wow, I see BothSidesNow, no tea!

Hypatia

Hey! Whaddayamean "no tea"?

Tea is fine. It's who/what you invite to have tea with you that is the issue

Titanic

Hypatia, I can see in your signature why you would say that!

Learn2Live

This is how I have felt whenever I have had active addiction in my life. When I am emotionally attached to an alcoholic or addict or what they are doing or not doing, I become weak, anxiety-ridden, crazy, and scatter-brained. I cannot focus on me, my life, or my responsibilities and I just go through the motions doing my best to maintain some normalcy in my life. Alcoholics and addicts are very distracting people and I've found that it is best to keep them as far away from me and my home as possible. The Universe keeps delivering these people to me and I keep becoming attached to them, and I KNOW that it is their addictions that cause me to become weak, scatter-brained, and crazy, but I keep letting them in! The Universe will continue to deliver these people to me until I finally learn my lesson, which at this point I believe is that I need to learn how to turn away from these people and assert myself in keeping them out.

Was it really bitterness or selfishness that made you think it was not a good idea to allow AXBF unsupervised visitation that would require him to be responsible and dependable? Or was it what you actually know to be true about him and what he would do regarding visitation? What made you think you were being bitter and selfish? Was it perhaps HIS WORDS to you, accusations he threw at you perhaps??? Or was it that you feared being blamed for his lack of ability to maintain a relationship with his child? As that child's mother, the human being who gave birth to him, I trust that you KNOW what is best for your child and that YOUR judgment regarding his father is dead on. Don't let yourself doubt yourself for a minute.

AXBF requested something from you that went against your better judgment and you granted that. Didn't you know that what has happened would happen? So, ask yourself, WHAT do you KNOW is best for this child? Take back control of this situation and determine under what circumstances this person can see his child.

Yes, so trying to plainly communicate with this person caused you to feel embarrassment and shame. So, STOP trying to communicate with him. Stop expecting him to be able to relate to you on ANY level about ANYTHING, including his own visitation with his own child, in a normal, healthy fashion. Each time you try to communicate with him, you are going to get negative feelings about yourSELF, because THAT is how these people are wired.

Again, you need to take control of the conversations you have with him. You are within your rights, and your responsibility for yourself, to REFUSE to listen to personal information from him. ANY personal information. CUT HIM OFF. Tell him what information you will discuss with him and limit it to ONLY conversations and information about his child. Period. If you keep the door open to an alcoholic or addict to have free reign in what he or she says to you, he will tell you hurtful things that make you feel bad about and doubt yourself. Take it from this girl who has been experiencing this her entire life. Refuse to listen to them. Please. Don't even give them an opportunity to go there.

Yes, sweetheart, you ARE the greatest thing on Earth!!! Don't talk to yourself this way. Focus on your strengths. Focus on all you have accomplished and all you ARE accomplishing. NEVER EVER EVER compare yourself to ANYONE, gutter troll or otherwise. And when you find yourself thinking about others who you view as "better than" you, get that person OUT of your head, OUT of your life, OUT of your thinking.

(((hugs))) FIGHT WorkInProgress8. Fight for you life.

Titanic

It's not like you're on a ladder, with someone always below you to belittle and someone always above you to envy. Be YOU.

Go to the circle image instead. See us here on SR and those in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon as holding your hands in a circle of support. Try to see your fellow human beings in a circle of life ...

WorkInProgress8

First, let me start off by saying thank you all for your kind words and straight forward advice, which i prefer. My Mother agreed to watch DS during my AlAnon meeting this Wednesday, thankfully. Ive been reluctant to ask her because she's a teacher/coach, so i know her plate is full as well, but im glad she said yes and looking forward to my meeting. I talked to her about the same things i expressed here and her reply was not new news to me: She said. "You keep getting yourself worked up about the same old things youve been through before. You do this to yourself." Such a wise lady.
SundayGirl- yes, i totally agree wiht the what you said. Anger: my worst enemy and best friend or FRENEMY if you will. I give myself some credit though because Im better with my anger than i used to be because in the past i wouldve called/texted him 1000x, talked trash, drove around trying to find him, called his family, got in contact with his current flavor of the moment, basically just went crazy. I dont do those things anymore, but still i admit the anger is there, i dont like it and really am trying to push ppast it but it is there. Festering, Waiting in the wings. But Ive been reading Codependent No More and read a quote last night that resonated with me; "Our emotions and behaviors are being controlled- triggered- by everyone and everything in our environment. We are indirectly allowing others to tell us what to do. That means we have lost control. We are being controlled." Wow. Just Wow.
BothSidesNow- im fine thank you for asking. Doing the deep breathing is somewhat new for me but has definitely helped: along with the positive affirmations i keep stored in my phone and written on my bathroom mirror. Ill have to look into meditation at a later date because that just sounds like more homework to me and i definitely have enough of that. I did put the books down long enough to take my son to the movies today. It was his 1st time ever going and a 1st time going to a 3D movie for both of us. I enojoyed the over buttered popcorn and 3 boxes of chocolate candy shared between us but i couldnt help thinking about it being ANOTHER 1st XABF missed out on. I want to stay mad at him but then on the opposite side of the spectrum i also want him to be there for with us for family stuff. So definitely agree with you about the conflicting feelings thing.
L2L- yes, yes, yes to everything you said. I went back through my emotional calender and realize that my "im doing fine" timeline started to faulter and stutter after XABF returned to clock in some father-son time. In regards to visitation, i really dont know how to answer your questions or know what to say because those are some of the exact things ive been asking myself since we split in March '12. If youve read my previous posts youll understand what i mean. I go round and round in my head questioning the visitation stuff daily. I know he has nothing to offer DS- morals, values, etc- but i feel bad if he asks to see him and i say no (whether it be 2 weeks or 3months between times). But i want to just say no because im tired of the in and out crap. But then i feel selfish because it feels like *I* am playing a role in XABF absence and that DS will point the finger at me in the future for it. Yes, XABF has said things in the past that have made ME feel guilty about HIM not being there and ME keeping him away HA! but i fell for it & i cant do it anymore nor do i want to. Then theres our Child Support order that makes me cutting him out harder. Like i said, yes, yes yes ot everything you said! I do need to take control back of not only this situation but my life. I really think thats why ive been feeling like Lindsay Lohan

WorkInProgress8

I wish there was a "Dont Give a Sh!t" button i could press. But theres not and the truth is a lot of my negativity is for my XABF but most of it is for me. I CHOSE him to be the Father of my child and theres no going back.