choublak

In Al-Anon they talk about your "picker" and how you might need to train it.

Some years ago, I read The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, as well as the book He's Just Not That Into You, both books stress that the woman doesn't pick the man, the man picks her. I trained myself to think this way, because I used to be too intense and came on too strong when "picking" guys, so then I went to the other extreme and completely stopped chasing them whatsoever.

Anyway, the general consensus I got was that the women don't do the picking. So this "picker" concept is a little bit foreign to me.

suki44883

I think they both "pick." Sometimes the woman picks and it works out and sometimes, the man picks and it works out. Sometimes, it doesn't work out. It takes two to make a relationship, so those that work out are generally each one picking the other. No one can "pick" me if I don't wish to be picked, and vice-versa.

Tuffgirl

I grew up in a very conservative southern family AND in the military. What I was taught was women don't pursue. We show interest - giving a man the proverbial "green light" to pursue. By allowing men to pursue, it is easier for the woman to spend some time evaluating the situation. Plus, we always know where we stand. One of the best indicators of interest is they keep coming back, right?

Now that said, having a "picker" that works, recognizes red flgas, etc. is what I think you are talking about, and in my mind pursuing (i.e. picking) and having a "picker" that is healthy can be mutually exclusive. I may have a broken picker that prevents me from identifying healthy men vs. those with serious problems, or I may be sending out signals (green lights) to the wrong kind of men to begin with.

P.S> I thought this thread may be about pickers, i.e. American Pickers! I was all geared up to talk about my dumpster finds, and flea market adventures! ; )

choublak

Red flags aren't always so obvious when it comes to alcoholism, especially given its progressive nature. I don't know if this statement is a fact or if it's because my "picker" is weak lol.

Tuffgirl

Oh this I totally agree with and completely relate to. My ex was amazing at hiding his addiction, for a long time. His facade was so firmly in place, and I bought it hook, line and sinker!

It wasn't until we had been living together for almost a year and about to get married that things started to get weird. And then, it was easy for me to write off as stress.

I don't think I have a "broken" picker. I think I was #1. a little naive and #2 conned by an addict, and #3 operating on my own agenda that made it hard to see the early red flags, or maybe easy for me to justify them as being something they weren't, and #4 scared of the upheaval of my life again by walking away when I had the first inkling...

GettingBy

To me it's not so much about pickers as it is about being realistic. It's about seein people as they are. Knowing my self worth and not being willing to settle for less than I deserve.

I am learning that I can meet someone, talk to them and if I see something that's a deal breaker... It's OKAY to end the relationship right then and there. I realize now that I invested way too much time on my marriage all because I wanted to keep giving my XAH a chance to become "something better" (which is purely subjective and based on MY opinion not reality).

I now feel very firmly that it is a privilege to have a relationship with me. I will take my time getting to know people and will no longer allow myself to get "swept off my feet" or rushed into a relationship.

So it isn't so much about the picking as it is about being strong enough to UNPICK!!!

Chris1000101

Not to make light of the topic because it can be a painful and lonely one, but my picker is broke. There is no training or re-growing my picker, I chose to remain single. I do feel that either or both can be pickers. In any case, it takes both to make the relationship work: companionship, partnership, and friends.

choublak

To further complicate things, I grew up in a conservative southern town, but because my mom is from the Philadelphia area I was cultured in a very "northern" way. Then when I get to high school and college (went to college in that same southern state), I'm learning that there are certain "rules", many of them unwritten and unspoken, of how to act/behave around members of the opposite sex. Dating in the south was so complicated for me.

GettingBy

I only have one rule.... Be myself.

Seems to work well because it keeps me honest and genuine. And frees up my energy so I can pay attention to getting to know the other person

LifeRecovery

I think that we get to be "pickers" in more ways then just intimate relationships.

I do many of the same things in my friendships that I do in intimate relationships, and at that the guy/girl thing does not matter as much.

I don't call it a "picker." I call it a "sorter," and my sorter has been programmed from childhood and is just now starting to realize I can do it a different way.

onlythetruth

This is funny...I have often thought of codependents as having a "broken picker"...but I think that "pickers" can be repaired.

LifeRecovery

I think I use sorter because it implies that it have stuff that it processes more then once (for example red flags).

My issue though is the the sorter even if it comes up more then once takes something negative (like a drunk episode) and marks it as a "one time issue only"

However in my relationship there were many of these one time issues.....it was only after the relationship was over that I realized it and had my sorter put it together like a flip book. Before it was individual pictures that I did not link together.

lillamy

I think it's easier being old.
No, I'm not kidding, I'm serious.
Because when I was younger, I picked like I had blinders on and dumbers (I know there isn't such a thing but I'm thinking blinders for my brain would be dumbers, right?).

What I learned at the ripe old age of my late 40s is what I'm telling my kids now:
Don't worry about looks, riches, attraction, position in society, because all that can change in a heartbeat. Find compatibility, because that lasts.

I thought compatibility was boring. I looked for that feeling of vertigo whenever I saw HIM. What I've found is that compatibility, and being seen for who I am and loved without criticism, that's more amazing than anything. That's LOVE -- the rest was just conquest and lust.

So yes, your picker can be fixed. But you might need to learn to use your brain and not your emotions to pick. That's the switch I had to make.

Titanic

I'm watching the sorter slide show backwards right now, and trying to make sense of it! I was never good at figuring out what those records meant when played backwards though. So, what are my chances?

NWGRITS

My husband and I both have broken sorters (I do like that better!), but we'd been through enough with our exes to tweak our sorters into proper working order. We both come from similar backgrounds, though there's no alcoholic in his family, just a borderline narcissistic father who was and still is verbally and emotionally abusive. We do still clash at times, but we're supporting each other through our own recovery from our issues. The key is that we are able to sit down, figure out what triggered which event, and try to work through it both alone and together. The clashing doesn't happen often, but it does still happen. Recognizing our own issues and being willing to work it out is what keeps our marriage strong.

Impurrfect

I do believe I had a broken "picker" for quite a while. The ONLY relationships I've been in have been with A's. I wasn't raised this way (FWIW, my mom was from MN and I have a lot of midwestern characteristics, but was raised in the south).

I have NO clue as to why I became a codie, but reading here, I've decided to take some time, learn more about me, before working on a relationship. If anything, I've learned what I DON'T want. I'm still taking my time, as I want to make sure I see red flags when they are there. I totally ignored them in the past

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NWGRITS

I forgot to mention up there^^ that this is the first healthy relationship I've been in ("healthy" is relative for me, but as far as I'm concerned, I finally got it right after seeking my own recovery). Before this, I was in disastrous, abusive relationships fueled by self-loathing and incredible codependency. The freedom from that I enjoy now is incredible.