9 Months Pregnant and AH just broke the ultimatum
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I kicked my ABF out of the house 2 days before the baby was born, and he was 5 weeks early. I did not want to speak to him at all, but my water broke, and I knew he wanted to be there, so I called him, and then had people at work call him to get me when he didn't answer me.
He was sober, but was totally smashed by the time the baby came. And for 7 months straight after that. He has barely been around to help, at all, if ever, has never attempted to help me pay any bills, you know the story.
But I tell you one thing, he STILL talks about the day the baby was born (11/11/11, if you can believe it) as one of the best days of his life. To this day, he still cries about it. And for the past couple of months, he has been trying, because he is starting to realize that his drinking is a bigger problem than anything else.
I think it scared him when he realized that this tiny infant baby is now walking, talking, eating Cheerios, etc. and he missed it because he was drunk all the time. He loves the baby, and they have this bond that me and the baby don't have.
This being said, my older son, I did not even inform the sperm donor that I was in labor. He is not an addict, but he really hurt me, and I didn't want him there, at all. Period. And almost 6 years later, he still hasn't seen him. Good, I really hate him anyway.
It's personal. If you still love him, don't leave him out, because he will end up resenting you for it, and that is a huge deal, especially to a father, because they do not have to be there like the mother, that is a choice for them, and they will choose to be there if they could. If you want to just get divorced and be done with him forever, give him the choice, that way it's not on your conscience.
He was sober, but was totally smashed by the time the baby came. And for 7 months straight after that. He has barely been around to help, at all, if ever, has never attempted to help me pay any bills, you know the story.
But I tell you one thing, he STILL talks about the day the baby was born (11/11/11, if you can believe it) as one of the best days of his life. To this day, he still cries about it. And for the past couple of months, he has been trying, because he is starting to realize that his drinking is a bigger problem than anything else.
I think it scared him when he realized that this tiny infant baby is now walking, talking, eating Cheerios, etc. and he missed it because he was drunk all the time. He loves the baby, and they have this bond that me and the baby don't have.
This being said, my older son, I did not even inform the sperm donor that I was in labor. He is not an addict, but he really hurt me, and I didn't want him there, at all. Period. And almost 6 years later, he still hasn't seen him. Good, I really hate him anyway.
It's personal. If you still love him, don't leave him out, because he will end up resenting you for it, and that is a huge deal, especially to a father, because they do not have to be there like the mother, that is a choice for them, and they will choose to be there if they could. If you want to just get divorced and be done with him forever, give him the choice, that way it's not on your conscience.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Do what feels best right now. Being so close to birth it is hard to make any big plans.
1) Look into a doula. They are paid birth attendants to help you through labor and many come to visit you for a couple weeks afterwards too. It will be money well spent.
2) My ex and I were never quite at the point you are at when I was having our babies but he was drinking. After each birth he did not quit but he really cut down a lot, especially the first two, and honestly - I cherish the memories. He kept his drinking in check enough so that it did not cause any stress. The birth and newborn periods were good.
If you decide to keep the status quo with him for the birth and newborn phase my advice would be to find al-anon. Really - seeing him as a father and with our baby erased my lines in the sand and boundaries crumbled. Be careful of getting sucked into the fantasy born of wishful thinking and stay rooted in reality and keep a grasp on the boundaries you have now. They will serve you well right now or in the long run if needed.
1) Look into a doula. They are paid birth attendants to help you through labor and many come to visit you for a couple weeks afterwards too. It will be money well spent.
2) My ex and I were never quite at the point you are at when I was having our babies but he was drinking. After each birth he did not quit but he really cut down a lot, especially the first two, and honestly - I cherish the memories. He kept his drinking in check enough so that it did not cause any stress. The birth and newborn periods were good.
If you decide to keep the status quo with him for the birth and newborn phase my advice would be to find al-anon. Really - seeing him as a father and with our baby erased my lines in the sand and boundaries crumbled. Be careful of getting sucked into the fantasy born of wishful thinking and stay rooted in reality and keep a grasp on the boundaries you have now. They will serve you well right now or in the long run if needed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
I second what Thumper said about hiring a doula. Typically, they are pretty reasonable in cost but they will be your advocate, your labor support, etc.
Also, if you haven't already, speak to the hospital about what programs they have available in house while you are there and in labor/post-birth. My hospital was pretty mom-centric, and you are given a nurse who stays with you for your birth/delivery that also advocates for you.
My children are very young and very close in age. My husband's alcoholism was ramping up during my hospital stay for Child 1 and he spent large portions of the time drunk and passed out on the couch in my room (I was in the hospital for 10 days due to health issues, and my child was taken to a NICU across the city for part of that). My husband was in recovery (and recently out of detox and was in outpatient rehab) for Child 2.
My husband was much like yours....you need to focus on you and your baby and whatever works best for you. If you want him there, have him there, if not, don't. Regardless, I'd look into a doula...that way you have someone there for you no matter what you decide who can advocate best for YOU when you're most vulnerable.
Also, if you haven't already, speak to the hospital about what programs they have available in house while you are there and in labor/post-birth. My hospital was pretty mom-centric, and you are given a nurse who stays with you for your birth/delivery that also advocates for you.
My children are very young and very close in age. My husband's alcoholism was ramping up during my hospital stay for Child 1 and he spent large portions of the time drunk and passed out on the couch in my room (I was in the hospital for 10 days due to health issues, and my child was taken to a NICU across the city for part of that). My husband was in recovery (and recently out of detox and was in outpatient rehab) for Child 2.
My husband was much like yours....you need to focus on you and your baby and whatever works best for you. If you want him there, have him there, if not, don't. Regardless, I'd look into a doula...that way you have someone there for you no matter what you decide who can advocate best for YOU when you're most vulnerable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Hope you are settling down.
Thought maybe this would help....
So me and my ARAW (adorable recovering alcoholic wife) are kinda the flip side of your situation. When she had a lapse a few weeks ago I was so frantic. OMG! The folks here had to pull me off the ledge. A few weeks have gone by and the one drink lapse was just that. We got home from our trip, she's been to her meetings every day and is working her steps with her sponsor without any input or advice from me. I only know because we share stuff.
In these two weeks we had some real humdinger arguments until we had a real breakthrough - it was simple, my biggest fear was her getting drunk, not wanting help and starting her alcoholic pattern (circling the drain until she slams rock bottom). THAT is what I reacted to, my response was understandable but what happened and what I was afraid of are night and day. Once we calmed down and stopped turning ON one another and started turning TO one another it got better.
If he gets treatment and gets into a program like AA you will be learning slogans. AA is endless repitition because that gets through a persons skull. One of those slogans is "One day at a time". I ignored 250 good days and went apeshit over one bad one. Now I am really appreciative of the past 16 good days and looking forward to tomorrow.
My wife decided to pick up a book that I spent months reading and internalizing because I am so focused on getting it right in our marriage. She and I talked through a couple chapters for hours last night and did some exercises where if you say yes ten times out of twenty questions it is "good". We were hitting 18 and 19 on the three exercises.
It reminded us that when alcoholism and fear are not driving, we are great together. I adore her, she loves me with all of her heart.
When I go to work tomorrow she could drive down the street and buy a bottle of vodka and when I get home she could be drunk and belligerent and I might be forced to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital so the baby can be detoxed and they might call CPS and seventeen kinds of hell could be waiting when I get home.
...but assuming that I don't die in my sleep or get run over by a drunk between now and then it is more likely that I will come home, hug her, kiss her belly and start on dinner, then watch TV and rub her aching pregnant woman feet and talk about our son and our dreams and snuggle into a ball like we do then sleep peacefully.
She might have a full relapse in the future, it might be worst case and I might lose her. I can't live life if I worry about that so I am focusing on me and my own sanity and leaving hers to her. I tell her I am proud of her for fighting for our family and I appreciate it. I tell her that I love her.
I do.
So maybe she had her last drink. Maybe ten years from now there will be a handful of onetime lapses and a couple big ones. Maybe the docs were wrong and my cancer comes back. I have no idea what maybe will bring.
I love my wife, I am happy, she is happy, we are working on ourselves individually and working together on our new marriage. I can control half of that and I am doing a good job. Today was a good day, tomorrow is not here yet.
Take a breath, take care of you and enjoy this time. One other thought... Allowing your husband to be part of this is not really up to you. Sure, if he shows up to the hospital drunk the nurses will go nuts on him but this is HIS child too. If he shows up sober and loving and wants to see his baby then enjoy it together or at least let him enjoy it. It takes an earthquake for an alcoholic to get serious about getting well - a baby is an earthquake in a mans life.
You implied he has a good job and is successful. His EAP at work can likely get him pointed toward help. Maybe that is rehab? Most companies with a professional HR dept handle that very well. They need thier top people healthy and would rather lose him to six weeks of short term disability than to lose his skills.
Sooooo many possibilities, so little you can solve today. You can eat well, rest and force your thoughts in a better direction - the baby!
Hope today was good and that tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there, it's a long ride but for me, im in this for keeps. I don't know what my 'limit' would be but I am nowhere near it. I'm happy, she's sober, today is a good day. Don't let that disease steal your hope!
Thought maybe this would help....
So me and my ARAW (adorable recovering alcoholic wife) are kinda the flip side of your situation. When she had a lapse a few weeks ago I was so frantic. OMG! The folks here had to pull me off the ledge. A few weeks have gone by and the one drink lapse was just that. We got home from our trip, she's been to her meetings every day and is working her steps with her sponsor without any input or advice from me. I only know because we share stuff.
In these two weeks we had some real humdinger arguments until we had a real breakthrough - it was simple, my biggest fear was her getting drunk, not wanting help and starting her alcoholic pattern (circling the drain until she slams rock bottom). THAT is what I reacted to, my response was understandable but what happened and what I was afraid of are night and day. Once we calmed down and stopped turning ON one another and started turning TO one another it got better.
If he gets treatment and gets into a program like AA you will be learning slogans. AA is endless repitition because that gets through a persons skull. One of those slogans is "One day at a time". I ignored 250 good days and went apeshit over one bad one. Now I am really appreciative of the past 16 good days and looking forward to tomorrow.
My wife decided to pick up a book that I spent months reading and internalizing because I am so focused on getting it right in our marriage. She and I talked through a couple chapters for hours last night and did some exercises where if you say yes ten times out of twenty questions it is "good". We were hitting 18 and 19 on the three exercises.
It reminded us that when alcoholism and fear are not driving, we are great together. I adore her, she loves me with all of her heart.
When I go to work tomorrow she could drive down the street and buy a bottle of vodka and when I get home she could be drunk and belligerent and I might be forced to call an ambulance to get her to the hospital so the baby can be detoxed and they might call CPS and seventeen kinds of hell could be waiting when I get home.
...but assuming that I don't die in my sleep or get run over by a drunk between now and then it is more likely that I will come home, hug her, kiss her belly and start on dinner, then watch TV and rub her aching pregnant woman feet and talk about our son and our dreams and snuggle into a ball like we do then sleep peacefully.
She might have a full relapse in the future, it might be worst case and I might lose her. I can't live life if I worry about that so I am focusing on me and my own sanity and leaving hers to her. I tell her I am proud of her for fighting for our family and I appreciate it. I tell her that I love her.
I do.
So maybe she had her last drink. Maybe ten years from now there will be a handful of onetime lapses and a couple big ones. Maybe the docs were wrong and my cancer comes back. I have no idea what maybe will bring.
I love my wife, I am happy, she is happy, we are working on ourselves individually and working together on our new marriage. I can control half of that and I am doing a good job. Today was a good day, tomorrow is not here yet.
Take a breath, take care of you and enjoy this time. One other thought... Allowing your husband to be part of this is not really up to you. Sure, if he shows up to the hospital drunk the nurses will go nuts on him but this is HIS child too. If he shows up sober and loving and wants to see his baby then enjoy it together or at least let him enjoy it. It takes an earthquake for an alcoholic to get serious about getting well - a baby is an earthquake in a mans life.
You implied he has a good job and is successful. His EAP at work can likely get him pointed toward help. Maybe that is rehab? Most companies with a professional HR dept handle that very well. They need thier top people healthy and would rather lose him to six weeks of short term disability than to lose his skills.
Sooooo many possibilities, so little you can solve today. You can eat well, rest and force your thoughts in a better direction - the baby!
Hope today was good and that tomorrow is better for you. Hang in there, it's a long ride but for me, im in this for keeps. I don't know what my 'limit' would be but I am nowhere near it. I'm happy, she's sober, today is a good day. Don't let that disease steal your hope!
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