Why do i keep giving him chances? - any advice please?
 

Hi there,
I havent been on here for quite a while, but i am hoping somebody who has been in a similar situation can offer me some advice.
I will try not to ramble too much. My o/h and i have been together for four years, we have a daughter who is three soon. I did not realise he had a problem with alcohol until i was pregnant, it gradually become more regular, in the evenings only i believed at the time, but then came verbal abuse and
incidents of him smashing things in the house, police being called etc. I later found out he was also using cocaine, and only found out tonight that it was more than i knew at that time, to the point that he spent a heck of a lot of money on it weekly, and i always wondered why with a great job we never had any spare cash for holidays etc. I left with my daugher when he was drinking, I went back on promises to quit which happened for a while then it ramped back up again. I left last year for four months, he went into rehab for a few weeks, and i went back. It was ok for a while, then four months ago it happened again,and on this occasion it was the scariest and most upsetting. I left again, he went to rehab for ten days, so only a detox really, but has been going back to the clinic weekly or fortnightly for overnight stay or session. I am still living apart from him, but havent closed the door on the relationship, although up until about six weeks ago i was adamant that it was over for the sake of my daughter, and for myself. But, me being the hopeful, stupid girl that i am that so desperately wants to keep a family together, and hope every time he sorts himself out, ive let him spend time with us. I suspected this evening he had a drink as he was niggly and looking glazed around the eyes, and he admitted after a lot of pressure that he had drunk a bottle of vodka after work in the lane around the corner from the house, and that he had done so every night for the last three weeks. He then text his counseller to arrange a session this weekend. He really hasnt been in recovery at all, he said he had a few 'slips' then a few weeks without, now this every night. I feel such a fool, for thinking again it would be ok, and i feel terrible for confusing my daughter with him being there not being there etc. Its hard because he is a good father, and my daughter was so upset when we split having to split time with her between us, but i know living with an alcoholic is going to be a life time of upset if he doesnt get sober.
The most important thing of course is making sure she is ok, but i feel so guilty that she has to leave me to see him when we are apart, because she only wants to see him when we are together, she is quite clingy to me but loves daddy when im there. I also feel guilty that i am not or havent been a supportive partner, ive been to al anon and meetings at the clinic with lots of people who support their partners and go through the relapses, and cope with it. But i dont know if i can do that.
Has anyone else been in this situation, can you give me any advice, or has anyone been through this and come out the other side with a sober partner?
Thanks for reading

Hhhmmm...where to begin here...first of all, you have to life a life that suits you, in order to be a good Mother. You can't live life around trying to make your kid happy.

Secondly, there are no guarantees that he will get sober and life will become wonderful again. For many alcoholics, getting sober is just the tip of the iceberg.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with saying "hey, I can't do this to myself anymore, much less to this innocent kid here, and I need to live a healthier life". It seems to me that we women, in general, tend to think we are in the wrong for standing up for ourselves. Why is that? Who says we have to stay married/living together/otherwise connected to someone who doesn't treat us well or take care of us and our children?

Lastly, you don't have to make any decisions right now. It seems you have alot to consider here, so maybe take everything one issue at a time, one day at a time. So for today, what could you do to make life a little better for you and your daughter?

"Come out with a sober partner" for how long? And what do you define as a "sober partner"- just abstaining from alcohol or true recovery?This is so close to my life experiences for the past 30 yrs. You keep giving him chances because of your hope he will "change back" and your desire to keep your family together.
That is not being a "stupid girl" in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. You are thinking rationally in an insane, irrational relationship. I'm sorry, as long as your AH is in active addiction, the symtoms will continue to progress. In my opinion, it would benefit you to educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency- how to best take care of yourself and your daughter through this difficult time by not enabling, by detaching, and by focusing on your own needs. You cannot trust anything an active alcoholic says- as sincere as it seems, they lie through their teeth. Actions speak louder than words- be patient and watch his actions. My AH was sober for a 7 yr. stretch, but he was a "dry drunk"- did not work a program of recovery. Now he likes to throw that in my face, "Things didn't get better when I wasn't drinking ". I would not re-engage with him at this point unless there was evidence he was in a true program of recovery for AT LEAST a year, not just "biting the bullet" by abstaining from alcohol.

I have just gone through this myself so know what your going through....
I too told my AH to leave on many occasions only to let him return on the first sign of a promise of change. May be this time is not your time, maybe it may take another 4 times before you think I need a better life. My AH left on Monday so not long ago and so far I can say I want him gone....if however he can change his drinking and his anger issues then we can hopefully come together again as a family, he is a great Dad when he is not drunk but the danger he has put my boys in by drink driving and also getting into fights when just what would be a simple trip to the shops was the order of the day..I can not keep putting them in that situation. Right now I'm the one who can change this, I'm the one who can stop this so I have decided I'm going to be the one to do it. My boys have seen us yelling and screaming some pretty nasty things to each other over the years and my eldest does come out with some rants when he is annoyed with his brother which is what he has seen from us. I don't want either of my boys in years to come ask me why I let this happen and why did I not do something about it. My boys are 4 and 6 so they can not decide for themselves if they want to be part of all the drama or not so the sober party of the relationship has to decide for them. Also with 2 boys I do not want them thinking its at all right to treat their partners that way..or anyone!
I'm hoping and praying that I will be strong enough to continue on my own(very much on my own as have no family around me) which is why I got the VRO as soon as I could which means that by law we can not contact each other unless its regarding the children.
You will know what to do and when to do it.
Take care x

"weeks ago i was adamant that it was over for the sake of my daughter, and for myself. But, me being the hopeful, stupid girl that i am that so desperately wants to keep a family together."

A child would rather live with one good responsibile parent than in a home where addiction is present. It is up to you to do the right thing for your daughter. She will carry her childhood into adulthood.

I kept giving chances too until I realized it was affecting my children. I will never be able to undo what they saw and heard but I can make sure they won't go through that anymore.

I'm in the same situation as well. I understand the vicious cycle of addiction as I am a recovering addict as well. I have made the changes for my life that I need to and am working my recovery as hard as I can. While my husband still uses its hard because like you I have 3 kids and I want to keep my family together. But as women we have to ask ourselves at what cost. Keeping our family together w/and active addict and them witnessing our suffering is not healthy kids thrive on their environment and react to it. Unlike us kids are very resilient to change its us who are not. My psychiotrist told me when two parents are unhappy kids are not happy they sense it. But if we find the strength to leave and we find happiness kids are happier they do better with one happy parent then with two unhappy parents. I really hoped my husband would quite. He told me he was when I went to rehab and ssaid when I got back he was going to quit. That's the pattern its always I'm going to or after this I will. Its always I'm gonna its never I did. He hasn't put any effort in his own recovery which hurts like hell. Yesterday he woke up (clearly sick) and was aggresive aggitated and verbally abusive finally he admitted he isn't ready or willing to quit I knew right then it will not work. He packed his things and left I can't have him here with me and my kids we need to focus on ourselves and our kids being with an addict takes to much attention away from our kids they don't deserve that. I miss him (the old him) and I think that's why us women take them back because we hang on to the what was not the what is. As for the carrying their childhood to the adulthood that is very true I grew up with 2 alcohalic parents and I carried a lot of that into my adulthood and how I choose my partner. I really hope you find true happiness you deserve it just like every human being does. Your in my thoughts.

Two pictures to think about. The first has to do with Addiction and the text points out how easily addicts can switch addictions out at the top.

Attachment 17328

The second one is The Laundry List of traits that children are susceptible to inheriting in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home.

Attachment 17329

He hasn't accepted he is powerless over his alcohol, like the horse that won't let you ride--he's not "broken" in, not broken by his addiction.
NOTHING will change until he is at that point.
You will keep experiencing more of the same. The only person you can change is you, your life, your child's life experiences.
I see the wishful thinking...we all have it. He hasn't changed. Only change you have power over is you changing.
How many times do we have to hammer home the above to ourselves? I still have to pound it into my own thinking daily.

Titanic - Ahhh, this explains your screen name! Can you tell me where you found this image? (I may have missed it?)

Thanks for this post!
Karin

For me, I kept giving chances because I loved him. I didn't understand how much my own sickness played into the big dance of alcoholism. Once I started learning that, it was easier to quit playing the game, quit the dance, set some hard boundaries, and move on.

RXAH and I have been at it for a little over 6 years. The first 3 was an active alcoholic. In the middle of those 6 years we had a 6 month patch of separation, our daughter born, rehab, AA, Alanon, MC, Divorce and then back together. We have been back together for almost 3 years. RXAH and I live as if were husband and wife, and are very happy. He has become 100 times the Man I ever thought he would be, and I have become 100 times better at not being a b*tch.

I have a tendency to write books about our lives/and story, so if you want more details feel free to send me a message.

I love this, almostdone. Thanks for sharing. It shows us there is hope, but much work must happen on both sides. And it requires some "tough love", being willing to set boundaries and uphold them, even letting go of the relationship if need be. And it also requires letting go of our own bad habits. That's important too. Well said.

Titanic - I am also curious about where this picture came from!

Last night I spent some time studying the Karpman drama triangle, do you recognize yourself in any of these roles?

The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer

Perhaps you need to figure out if there's something about this game that keeps getting you hooked?

Being a child of alcoholics I never learned boundaries so never had any in relationships either- I learned them in my Alanon group.

Wow- never seen that iceberg chart- very interesting......

Thanks for all of your advice and support, i really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. Its so odd how i know that its not good for our little girl to be in an environment with an alcoholic parent, and i know im playing the perpetrator rescuer game....In my head i know all these things are right, but i cant seem to stick to my guns and put that boundary in. I left, as i did last year, see a glimmer of hope, and then go back. I feel in a position now that i should again say no, enough is enough. But i feel so guilty that yet again ive confused our poor little girl. Ive just been offered a great job with prospects, the first decent job for about 6 years, which would mean a good salary etc and i would be able to provide a decent life for myself and my daughter. Im so worried that i will leave again, start this job, and because of access he will have, i will hardly get to see her. when i left before, she got upset when she had to go and see him, because she didnt want to leave me. When we are all together, she loves being with him. She is quite clingy towards me. So i worry that i will have to wave her off to go spend the weekend with him when i wont see much of her monday to friday, and feel sad that she is upset to leave me.
Tonight, i did something i shouldnt have. He went to have his hair cut, it took an hour and a half, i called him as he was a little late to see if he was on the way home, and if he could pick up some milk. I didnt quiz him accusingly, just said 'that haircut took a long time, are you on your way home'. He didnt react well to the 'questioning'. Then i was upstairs, i went in his bag to check for washing, i found a used condom wrapped in tissue. We dont use condoms. When he came in, he was agitated at the question on the phone. I couldnt understand why as it was only last week he had got drunk, so i did in my mind think perhaps he has been drinking before he gets home, as that is the usual pattern, hide it from me.
I then asked him, quite calmly, what the condom was doing in the bag. Said it was an old one, used to pleasure himself whilst in the clinic. and if i didnt believe him i could have it dna tested! He went to his car, came back slurring and blurry. He drank half a litre of vodka in five mins. Said it was my fault as id laid all this on him. But he bought the vodka on the way home, purely because id asked why he had been so long. Things went from bad to worse, and ive been called all the names under the sun, how he will go out and sleep with lots of women who want him, in a crude way, i dont love him, our relationship is in tatters because of both of us, not just him, but i do sincerely believe i wasnt as good a partner because his alcoholism pushed me away. He's tried threatening to smash the tv, and insulted me so much. Thankfully as i told him i would enter into conversation no more he has gone to bed and i can sit in peace. So im left with the decision, tomorrow, i believe i should go back to my mums home where my daughter and i have been living for the last few months. And i will feel so awful when she says where is daddy etc. And feel guilty for not being the supportive partner, like some partners are, who stick by their alcoholic other halves. I spoke to his counseller tonight, who is concerned as he has not stuck by the agreement to see her weekly or twice weekly, as opposed to attending al anon or n/a which he wont do. Its part of his plan, and the condition of us being together. I jumped back in too soon.

" I jumped back in too soon."

Yep, you did. If you don't do it for yourself, leave for your daughter....she is the true victim in this mess.