Learning little by little.
 

I would really just like to thank everyone who has so far posted a reply to my random posts. It feels amazing to be in similar company, especially when it started to feel that I was alone in the world again.

I've really been focusing on pinpointing why I've been so depressed after my xabf walked away from me (especially after all these months, oy vey!), and as a result I've discovered that it's not merely an "Oh, I'm so heartbroken!" mentality/reaction inasmuch as me finally grieving.... Mourning the loss and grieving what could have been.

Not only did I spend all my time looking back and reminiscing about the good times (with which I still play 'Real or Not Real'?), but I also had my head up in the clouds about the would-have-been's... like What our home would have looked like, or what our future kids would've looked like, or just... anything that involved him + future...

And the worst of all this is that I had SO MANY dreams; SO MANY crushed, or gone, or started but never finished. The illusions of a husband, or a family, or even just time for he and I.... gone.

I **was** right- I DID miss him, but not for who he was as an alcoholic. I missed him because he presented me a new way of living, even if he was drunk half the time (functioning alcoholics do that, ha).

I guess the best thing about this, as effed up as the whole relationship with him was, is best described by Butters on South Park:


Butters: I love life.
Emo Kids: Huh? But you just got dumped!
Butters: Well yeah, and I'm sad. But at the same time I'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.


It doesn't mean wait for him to come back... it means taking each beautiful and wonderful moment at face value, cherishing it, and then carefully tucking it away.


And even though I'm an "Are you ok?" away from bursting into tears right now, I know this is the correct path to be on... I can feel the serenity through the pain and anguish.

I guess this must be what acceptance is...

Yay progress :)

Nice! I am also making progress and have mostly come to acceptance. I admit I still have moments of anger and resentment towards him, but I am trying to let those go.

Of course there is still a lot of suffering and grief when any important relationship ends. When you're involved with an A. you never know how much booze contributed to the ending of things and what they really would have been like if they stopped drinking.

It's nice that you can take stock of the good things that happened as well. Serenity will come for you and I.

-z

Amazing! What a fresh perspective. A beautiful bittersweet sadness.