First Trip to Marriage Counselor Tomorrow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by drunkyjules 
Hi Central Ohio Dad. I just wanted to say hello-I'm from central Ohio too. Go Bucks!
Looking forward to watching the game with my 2.5 yr old once he wakes from nap! He's becoming obsessed with the Bucks - I love it!
I wanted to say good luck at your marriage counseling tomorrow. I agree with PohsFriend that you should try to go in there with a positive goal in mind and positive attitude towards working on improving your marriage. I think that counselors can be very impartial-they are used to the blame game and are there to help sort it out.
I did go in with an open mind. A couple of times she told me this morning, "You can go by yourself", thinking I would give up and not go. I said, "Oh, that's fine, I'm going with or without you." She opened more than I thought she would, so that's a bonus.
As far as the drinking wife problem. I'm the drinking problem in my marriage and I can say that someone has to truely have the desire and the willingness to stay sober and to work on it their problem in order to change. I don't know your wife but I have found a lot of help in AA - central Ohio has a ton of meetings all over at all times of day. We are truely fortunate to have so many options. There are mixed meetings, womens meeting etc. When I first went I was amazed by the number of people there and the mish mash of people there. We A's come from every walk of life -that helped me alot. I had this image in my mind of what an alcoholic was and I was so wrong.
I doubt she would go to AA - she still feels she can 'cut back' and monitor herself. That has never worked in the past, however, and I don't expect it to work going forward either.
Anyway I'm probably rambling but good luck and if she doesn't want to continue with counseling and trying to improve things then you should work on yourself!! You could check out al-anon or an open aa meeting, continue counseling etc.
Take care Central Ohio Dad. Enjoy your football weekend
My husband is an obsessed man during football season.....
Looking forward to watching the game with my 2.5 yr old once he wakes from nap! He's becoming obsessed with the Bucks - I love it!
I wanted to say good luck at your marriage counseling tomorrow. I agree with PohsFriend that you should try to go in there with a positive goal in mind and positive attitude towards working on improving your marriage. I think that counselors can be very impartial-they are used to the blame game and are there to help sort it out.
I did go in with an open mind. A couple of times she told me this morning, "You can go by yourself", thinking I would give up and not go. I said, "Oh, that's fine, I'm going with or without you." She opened more than I thought she would, so that's a bonus.
As far as the drinking wife problem. I'm the drinking problem in my marriage and I can say that someone has to truely have the desire and the willingness to stay sober and to work on it their problem in order to change. I don't know your wife but I have found a lot of help in AA - central Ohio has a ton of meetings all over at all times of day. We are truely fortunate to have so many options. There are mixed meetings, womens meeting etc. When I first went I was amazed by the number of people there and the mish mash of people there. We A's come from every walk of life -that helped me alot. I had this image in my mind of what an alcoholic was and I was so wrong.
I doubt she would go to AA - she still feels she can 'cut back' and monitor herself. That has never worked in the past, however, and I don't expect it to work going forward either.
Anyway I'm probably rambling but good luck and if she doesn't want to continue with counseling and trying to improve things then you should work on yourself!! You could check out al-anon or an open aa meeting, continue counseling etc.
Take care Central Ohio Dad. Enjoy your football weekend
My husband is an obsessed man during football season.....
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Agree with many of the above posts.
My experience with the MC and the AH. I was reduced to a sniveling bawling piece of melted down person. My AH kept pointing out all my issues, and I was so frustrated that the MC couldn't see it all, well most, stemmed for the alcoholism and the sickness in our family from it.
I scheduled my own appointment with the same counselor 2 days later, and went in and told him I was very disappointed that he missed the ball. He was shocked to learn just how much I felt it all was contributed to the alcoholism. He didn't specialize in addiction, but he hopped on the computer, got some resources, and actually did his best as a counselor to help me overcome my own insecurities and problems, which led to me continuing to try to fix my RAH.
I don't believe MC is helpful at all with one person not being sober. I do think it can be helpful to point out things you yourself need to overcome. Best of luck.
My experience with the MC and the AH. I was reduced to a sniveling bawling piece of melted down person. My AH kept pointing out all my issues, and I was so frustrated that the MC couldn't see it all, well most, stemmed for the alcoholism and the sickness in our family from it.
I scheduled my own appointment with the same counselor 2 days later, and went in and told him I was very disappointed that he missed the ball. He was shocked to learn just how much I felt it all was contributed to the alcoholism. He didn't specialize in addiction, but he hopped on the computer, got some resources, and actually did his best as a counselor to help me overcome my own insecurities and problems, which led to me continuing to try to fix my RAH.
I don't believe MC is helpful at all with one person not being sober. I do think it can be helpful to point out things you yourself need to overcome. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
COD,
It appears your MC has gone well so far. I dont want to burst your bubble; i had those high hopes too when AH and I first started MC. I didnt know at the time he was an alcoholic however. I second the thoughts of others that alcoholics will be on their best behavior when necessary and paint you as the irrational foolish spouse. I know from 18 months of MC that it simply is ineffective when there is an addicted spouse. My counselor was fortunately very knowledgable about addiction and recognized that my husband's alcoholism was the root of most, if not all, of our marital problems. My AH is in deep denial. Our marriage was doomed from the start. Addicts cannot be honest with themselves, let alone anyone else. This prevents them from taking a true look at how their behavior impacts a marriage to make positive changes, even with a neutral third party counselor.
My AH cared about our marriage, but he's an addict, so therefore he unwittingly cares about his addiction more. He went through the motions of MC; looking back I can see how far he slipped away from me. He blew up our marriage in pursuit of his addiction.
It appears your MC has gone well so far. I dont want to burst your bubble; i had those high hopes too when AH and I first started MC. I didnt know at the time he was an alcoholic however. I second the thoughts of others that alcoholics will be on their best behavior when necessary and paint you as the irrational foolish spouse. I know from 18 months of MC that it simply is ineffective when there is an addicted spouse. My counselor was fortunately very knowledgable about addiction and recognized that my husband's alcoholism was the root of most, if not all, of our marital problems. My AH is in deep denial. Our marriage was doomed from the start. Addicts cannot be honest with themselves, let alone anyone else. This prevents them from taking a true look at how their behavior impacts a marriage to make positive changes, even with a neutral third party counselor.
My AH cared about our marriage, but he's an addict, so therefore he unwittingly cares about his addiction more. He went through the motions of MC; looking back I can see how far he slipped away from me. He blew up our marriage in pursuit of his addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thanks. I have a one-on-one appointment with the counselor tomorrow night, based on the fact that I need to talk about my issues separate fom her. At that point I'm going to find out how much he knows about dealing with addiction. If he doesn't know much, then I'm dead in the water.
So far the MC sessions have pretty much been about how bad I am to the marriage and all the things I do wrong. I need to gather up my b*lls and start to speak up a little more.
So far the MC sessions have pretty much been about how bad I am to the marriage and all the things I do wrong. I need to gather up my b*lls and start to speak up a little more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
I had similar issues with MC - AH painted himself as the model spouse - kind, generous, understanding, you name it. Me? He had me as ungrateful, angry, not understanding, mean, etc etc.
I hope your one-on-one session goes well. My marriage is over but I've continued to see the my marriage counselor for individual therapy.
during MC, my counselor had to walk a fine line with AH's addiction bc he is in denial. He picked up on the fact that all of my issues in the marriage always went back to AH's alcohol and drug use. The counselor, however, couldn't make it look like he was taking sides with either one of us or ganging up on my husband.
I hope your one-on-one session goes well. My marriage is over but I've continued to see the my marriage counselor for individual therapy.
during MC, my counselor had to walk a fine line with AH's addiction bc he is in denial. He picked up on the fact that all of my issues in the marriage always went back to AH's alcohol and drug use. The counselor, however, couldn't make it look like he was taking sides with either one of us or ganging up on my husband.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Update
Originally Posted by mmk11
I had similar issues with MC - AH painted himself as the model spouse - kind, generous, understanding, you name it. Me? He had me as ungrateful, angry, not understanding, mean, etc etc.
I hope your one-on-one session goes well. My marriage is over but I've continued to see the my marriage counselor for individual therapy.
during MC, my counselor had to walk a fine line with AH's addiction bc he is in denial. He picked up on the fact that all of my issues in the marriage always went back to AH's alcohol and drug use. The counselor, however, couldn't make it look like he was taking sides with either one of us or ganging up on my husband.
I hope your one-on-one session goes well. My marriage is over but I've continued to see the my marriage counselor for individual therapy.
during MC, my counselor had to walk a fine line with AH's addiction bc he is in denial. He picked up on the fact that all of my issues in the marriage always went back to AH's alcohol and drug use. The counselor, however, couldn't make it look like he was taking sides with either one of us or ganging up on my husband.
The issues she has with me are minor in my opinion, (which the MC said indirectly) but that being an A is somewhat more important. She feels that now that she has 'slowed up' on her drinking, that she could not be a part of any of the problems now, and that all the focus should be on me.
So, she's in denial, still, and we probably won't get anywhere with this. The good part is, she has slowed down, but when she does overdo it, it's a problem.
Just like when she's drunk - all the blame is on me. It's tiring
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
This is an example of why MC rarely works while the A is actively addicted. 
Did you ask the MC whether it makes any more sense, or if it is actually doing more harm than good while she still drinks (no matter how much)?
Did you ask the MC whether it makes any more sense, or if it is actually doing more harm than good while she still drinks (no matter how much)?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Titanic
This is an example of why MC rarely works while the A is actively addicted.
Did you ask the MC whether it makes any more sense, or if it is actually doing more harm than good while she still drinks (no matter how much)?
Did you ask the MC whether it makes any more sense, or if it is actually doing more harm than good while she still drinks (no matter how much)?
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Positive column ($$) or spin? 3 joint sessions, as you mentioned. Enough for background, right? If so, what are you seeing by way of results?
Perhaps call MCs that do have an addiction specialty, and ask over the phone while vetting them.
Perhaps call MCs that do have an addiction specialty, and ask over the phone while vetting them.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((COD))
Just wanted to give you a virtual PINK HUGS of encouragement - living with the active disease is tough - even when they try to do "controlled drinking"
Hope you can continue your own recovery - thru posting here, reaching out for help, de-stressing when you can - reading al-anon & other recovery literature ~ please remember you are not alone ~ so many of us have been there too ~
The Al-Anon CTC book on pg 293 says "Struggling & worrying didn't help me to solve my problem. Doing my part and trusting my Higher Power with the rest did."
Wishing you & your family your HP's very best!
Rita
Just wanted to give you a virtual PINK HUGS of encouragement - living with the active disease is tough - even when they try to do "controlled drinking"
Hope you can continue your own recovery - thru posting here, reaching out for help, de-stressing when you can - reading al-anon & other recovery literature ~ please remember you are not alone ~ so many of us have been there too ~
The Al-Anon CTC book on pg 293 says "Struggling & worrying didn't help me to solve my problem. Doing my part and trusting my Higher Power with the rest did."
Wishing you & your family your HP's very best!
Rita
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