GettingBy

Even if the decision to divorce/separate is made... with children involved... there is no real end to the insanity.

Ugh.

So, I'm doubling up on the Serenity Prayer today. Trying desperately to stay off the merry go round... and hold it together for my children. It's HARD.

We (XAH and I) agreed that we would stay in the same school district to be in close proximity for the children. That's the united message we gave them. When it came time for me to move, i did as agreed. When it came time for him to move, he did not (go figure). He was hell bent on buying a big beautiful house with an inground pool... but couldn't afford that in our school district. Sooo, he found one 20 minutes away that he could afford - and then unilaterally made the decision to buy it. By the time he fessed up to me and the kids, it was a foregone conclusion. Done deal. We all have to suck up and deal.

Now that school time is here... reality has set in. Tonight is the first school night the kids have to spend at his house and then he drives them to school in the morning. My daughter (6) was in hysterics this morning - she doesn't want to spend the night there. She wants to be "at home" on a school night.

Now, to add to the complexity of the issue... my XAH bought this big house... which he stretched his budget to affor to begin with.... and then proceeded to gut it right after he bought it. He's been there a month and a half and the house is a shell still - because he's run out of money. I found out last week that all his furniture is still in storage and that when the kids have stayed there - they are sleeping on air mattresses on the floor. Good god. No wonder the kids don't want to go there.


So... here I am today. I talked to XAH this morning about our daughter's anxiety... and in typical alcoholic behavior - he spun it around to "You're a bitter angry and resentful woman. you're just jealous of all that I have given the children." I firmly set my boundary - "This is about what we SAID we were going to do, versus what was done and now having to deal with the fall out of your decision to move away." I asked him if he was willing to consider letting the kids sleep at my house every school night and he take them Friday/Saturday instead. He told me that I need to support him and get our daughter to get over the extra drive time. I asked him what the timeframe would be for getting their bedrooms set up - and I got the typical response, "you have no clue how HARD my life is!!" Good god.


Sooo... Here's where I'm at...

Things I can not change - My AH, where he lives, how his house is set up (or not set up as the case may be), where I live (the kids school is here, as are all their friends), the custody schedule (he's not willing to negotiate).

I have to work on accepting that it is what it is.

I have to figure out how to get over my anger about his decision to move away (for the record, I feel that my anger is legitimate but staying angry serves me no purpose). I'm PISSED off at him... and while I do my best to remain neutral in front of the kids... I'm sure some of my anger seeps through and probably is some of why my daughter is anxious.

I've got my daughter's school counselor up to speed. She's going to meet with her to help prepare her for the overnight stay tonight at XAH's house.

I've done all I can do. So now I need to focus on me... and get myself back off the merry-go-round.


I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate his disease. I hate his total lack of recovery. I hate his selfishness. I hate his egocentric materialistic attitude that put our family in this position. I HATE that I have to work on ME.... AGAIN. I HATE that I have to work on conforming to this TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE living situation.

I hate how powerless I am.

lizloh

Yikes! Hang in there. That feeling is horrible, like you are at their mercy, but you seem hell bent on not giving him that control. And you are familiar with the processes of it. Too bad it still is a hard thing to do. Stay strong, lady

BlueSkies1

Hmm. You're not going to like my answer.
I agree your daughter is being anxious because she picks it up from you.
A 6 year old in hysterics? really? Where did she get that from? Hysterics is a rather severe emotion for a 6 year old that should basically be carefree.

Many children at the age of 6 would have no problem with an air mattress. It's too much like fun, too much like camping, or simply not that important to them. Having fun, playing, that's what is important to 6 year olds. As long as the mattress is comfortable, they could care less. She has no immediate need for a properly set up bedroom with all the bells and whistles. Again, not important immediately to a 6 year old. They're very patient with that kind of stuff. totally unacceptable living arrangement? Totally unacceptable to who? six year olds don't care about that stuff very much. As long as it feels SAFE to them, that's what matters.
He did move out of the school district, so that simply has to be accepted.
20 minutes longer drive? So what, it's not a serious inconvenience. remember some people walked 5 miles in snowy blizzards...uphill both ways.
What I see here is that you are sweating the small stuff with your ex.
You are harboring tons of resentment, and your daughter picks up on it. That is not in the child's best interests. The child needs your support that everything will be ok staying at dad's, that yes there is a longer drive (no biggie) that yes she will be on a mattress until the bedrooms are done (so encourage camping-like fun approach).
I completely understand resentment...I have tons of it. But objectively, I don't think it is good to be non-supportive of the other parent.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Only sweat the big stuff that really matters. If he's abusive, drunk driving them to school, now those things are reasons to blow your top.
I hope you realize my post is only trying to help you. It is not callous or unsympathetic....I completely understand your frustration.

dandylion

Dear Gettingby, I just want to send you my best thoughts and wishes. I went throught the same thing with my Ex at the time of divorce (3 young kids). TOTAL JERKHOOD. Self-serving beyond belief! I had to "suck up" so much of his crap---because I simply had no control over it. It was either "suck it up" or become a raging maniac

Hang on to your serenity prayer and take it a day at a time.

Later you will look back on this time and it will become a testimony to your strength!!!!!!!

dandylion

Katiekate

You are not powerless.

Ya know, I bet in a month he will have a complete different story.

This is the honeymoon stage. Your kids are getting a good eduction about their A father.

Hang tight, more will be revealed.

I seriously doubt he has what it takes to be a consistent father, afer all his life is so hard. Quack!!!!

GettingBy

Madeofglass...

I agree wholeheartedly. I do see my anger and resentment. And I'm struggling with that and trying to keep that from the kids. I *know* that being supportive is better for the kids... but I am having a hard time supporting his insane behavior. Sleeping on an air mattress for a night or two is one thing. This has been going on for over a month - and there's no end in sight. His house is NOT a home. The kids are NOT comfortable there. Sure it was fun in the summer - because they were outside the whole time in the FUN pool. The weather has shifted and now they are stuck inside a big giant empty, cold house that is torn up and has no furniture.

I can totally empathize with my daughter not wanting to go there... I've worked really hard for the past month to come at it from the "fun" perspective. I've asked for an update from him on when he thinks he'll have it set up as a home.... there's no answer.


Yes, I'm having an emotional reaction today. Yes, I need to reel it in....


I don't know the answer to this. I don't know how to NOT be resentful of the insanity he is living.

FireSprite

I have to respectfully disagree. I think you're making big generalizations here regarding children. My daughter has always had a very strong, individual personality & if this were something that offended/upset her it wouldn't necessarily be related to me. (I'm not saying never, just not always) I am very often surprised by what she deems worthy of hysterics.

While I agree that MOST 6-year olds are/should be carefree, that is NOT how many children of alcoholic parents feel. They feel a strong need for boundaries, clear definitions & reliable routines. And at 6 she's starting Kindergarten? 1st grade? That alone is stressful & new & she wants to be able to feel safe & happy so she can decompress at the end of her day.

(((((HUGS)))) to her!

GettingBy

Thank you Firesprite...

My daughter's reaction this morning is not reflective of how I have chosen to live the past 9 months. I think she learned that the first 5 years of her life in our former world. She is a child of an alcoholic home. She does need strong boundaries. She desperatetly needs to feel safe and secure. She needs consistency. She is VERY upset that she was told one thing and it didn't happen.

She doesn't feel safe at his house. And I get that. I'm working now with her counselor to teach my daugher skills to help her feel safe while there.

The change from Kindergarten to 1st grade has been stressful on her. This additional change in XAH's housing just doesn't help. She's overwhelmed... it's a lot for a child to deal with.

BlueSkies1

Yeah, I may be assuming she is like I was, or like I see most 6 year olds as being. I don't have the right to project what I think is the typical 6 year old carefree style onto her persnality as I don't know her. I also believe that the parent that the child leans on the most for emotional support can help the child relax and accept situations and calm down about them, and I assume that parent is gettingby, not her ex.
Thanks gettingby--for not reacting to my reply defensively...you enlightened me with more of the info and how your daughter does own her own emotion here, which she has every right to feel.
Some/part of what I said might have hit the nail on the head, and part may be off...and that's ok...gettingby you take what is useful and throw out the rest !
I also agree that more will be revealed if this living arrangement has to go on indefinitely like this because he has financially bitten off more than he can chew...!
I look at both people's views, or try to..and am trying to see it from his pov also...I hope that people on this board don't dislike me if I do that...I just know that for me, I have to accept all the ways that I contributed to the madness, and sometimes sweating the smaller stuff and not dealing directly with my resentment was an issue. I needed to redirect back to dealing with my resentment where it belonged, because that was how to get back on track to being healthy.

Katiekate

Awwwwww your poor girl is having a rough time.

She has you honey, I know you will be there for her.

You are a great mom!!!!

LaTeeDa

It's soooooooo hard to let go of the other person's parenting (or lack of). But, your sanity depends on it. I felt like I was letting my kids down by allowing him to be a bad (in my eyes) parent. I had to learn to be their rock, their anchor in the storm, when they returned home. Many times, there were days of anxiety after their return. It made me so mad that I sent him happy, relaxed, well-adjusted kids, and I got back stressed-out, anxious, grouchy ones. He even called me once in the middle of having an argument with my son to blame me for his behavior (!!??).

That was when I finally decided to stay OUT of his relationship with them. It was like a brick finally hit me over the head. My relationship with my kids is the only one I can control.

Stop asking him about his house, stop trying to control what he does or doesn't do. Just be there for your kids when they come back. Working with the school counselor is a great plan. Trying to work with him is not.

L

FireSprite

I definitely agree! We often DO have the power to help them relax. I like to think of it as helping them build their tool kit for life. I've been teaching mine the EFT techniques I learned here & she has already been using & benefitting from it so much! (Mostly, it helps her feel in control of herself and helps her to feel grounded when she's frustrated/angry/upset.)

GettingBy

That right there is is. They are so happy and well adjusted when I send them off... and what I get back can only be described as a big fat hot mess!!!

It is sooo much work.

I so badly want to protect them from his insanity... but that's not an option. I think that's what I was trying to do this morning. Change the custody schedule... back out of the overnight... keep my daughter from having to cope.

She's so little... yet soooo smart.... and so aware of everything around her. I am proud of the skills I have given her. I did get her calmed down. I sat with her and we took deep breaths. We work on First Things First... and what did we HAVE to do next. One step at a time.


Today is one of those day that I really am mad at myself for chosing him to father my children.

BlueSkies1

Forgive yourself. Crystal balls to the future must be hard to come by, I'm an antique dealer and haven't found one that works yet....

ShootingStar1

Maybe you can give your daughter a ******** to take with her to remind her of your love and that you are always there for her, together in your and her hearts, even when she's not physically with you. Maybe a sturdy chain necklace with a little heart pendant, something special that you pick out together? She is still young enough to be at a very concrete reasoning stage, so something to touch might help.

When I divorced my first husband (not an alcoholic, more a "Peter Pan" boy), my son was 5 and went through a terrible emotional time. I was worried about his emotional survival. I had him in counseling and all, and he became quite wise. At 6, he told me "I may to have to live this, but I don't have to like it", and he was right.

By 9, he went cross country skiing with his father and sister on a country club hill in the same town we both lived. Well, his dad called me in total panic, because my son had disappeared. His dad had the police looking, all the neighbors, everyone, and we were scared to death.

About an hour and a half later, my 9 year old son came in my front door with his skis over his shoulder. When he found out about all the panic and hulabaloo, he just looked me as if we were all nuts, and said "What's the matter with you guys? I know where I live. I had a fight my dad because I couldn't keep up with him and he wouldn't slow down. So I left and walked home".

It shocked me to realize that my son, already, had figured out his dad, and had so many internal resources to get done what he needed. There is hope for your daughter!!!! I think, if helped to some real insight, these children can learn lessons very young that make them stronger. We can't protect them from their life lessons, but we can help them with resources and tools.

This is the son, by the way, who has become my ******** as I'm going through leaving and divorcing my AH, his stepdad. I call him, and he says "nope, AH's nuts. You are doing the right thing", and somehow my emotional compass rights itself again.

Maybe that's what we can give our children of alcoholics, children of divorce: a functioning emotional compass.

BothSidesNow

Tuffgirl

I had to detach during that initial time of custody arrangements with the kids. They struggled with it too. It's change, and its hard. She's 6 years old, just started back to school, so this is an adjustment period regardless. The best thing you can do is reassure her that she is loved and everything will be fine.

This too shall pass, and I don't say that to minimize your feelings toward it all, but my girls have struggled with the transition from one home to another all their lives, and they are happy, well adjusted young women now. Change in patterns upsets most people in some way or another.

Try not to make it about him...or what he is or isn't doing. It really isn't. It's about your child, and what is going on with her. Good job involving the counselor. I found that very helpful during my transitions.

JenT1968

lol - being 6 is no more of a care-free age than any other, they are very much still learning to manage their emotions, and will be with varying levels of success for more than a decade to come. Real childhood is fraught with as many emotional minefields as real adulthood, we have to develop the skills to deal with that.

Sure they don't have to pay the mortgage, or negotiate traffic to get to work ontime or decide whether vaccinations are more beneficial than harmful to their off-spring etc etc but having to wait for dinner, not being able to find your favorite jumper, stepping on a bug by accident, etc, etc, can all be major emotional events with major reactions.

Having said all that most kids of seperated parents will have points where they don't want to go to one parent or the other, most kids of most non-seperated parents will have points where they throw a fit if they have to leave the house.

You are not responsible for your children's relationship with their father. My four year old sometimes doesn't want to leave me to go and see her dad - this is not about alcohol, it's about her going through a patch where she misses me a lot (she doesn't want to go to school either on those days, or even for me to leave the room she is in - which is VERY tiresome). I was prepared to insist she visited her dad for a few hours, but he didn't want me to (whilst at the same time accusing me of orchestrating her feelings of not wanting to go), so I was able to acknowledge her feelings and allow her to decide. Given the choice she invariably decides to go. Try and force her and she digs her heels in.

I know you have a different situation, but I think you just have to try and do the best you can at the time, and not worry about it too much, you've told the counsellor and your ex won't budge: I don't see that you have any other (legal!) options.

WishingWell

Just throwing this out there - from all that I'm learning and have learned.

You/we are all very powerful . . . to change our lives. It is an illusion anytime we think we can fix the world. Our mate, every circumstance.

The ultimate power, in my mind, is knowing that every day I have a choice over my own perspective. And that is huge! In reality, there is simply no greater power. That's the top of the mountain, period.

To think we have power beyond that is to kid ourselves. To grab onto the power we do have to evolve ourselves - is incredible. And maybe, if we look at life from a spiritual perspective, this is why we needed to go through these experiences. These challenges are pushing us to evolve!

I love the quote - everyone we meet is our spiritual teacher.

sweetteewalls

Great thread...needed this more than you can imagine! Shift in thought...

theuncertainty

When DS was in Pre-k and Kindegarten, we had a book that we'd read called The Kissing Hand. We both love it. The mama raccoon sends her little one off with a kiss on the palm of his hand, so when he felt he missed her, he'd hold his palm to his cheek for a kiss. DS and I did the same until he deemed he was 'too big'.

Still, I got to give him kisses at school and when he's was at his daddy's for a couple years. Best wishes, you'll all be OK. You already are. Hugs.