Why do I feel guilty? Also separation question....
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Why do I feel guilty? Also separation question....
Why do I feel guilty for asking for what I am entitled to?
We are 10% shareholder of a pizzeria, opened just after we were married. We moved out of state to open, I was his chauffer for 5 years when he had no license due to DUIx2. I am finding myself feeling bad for him. He is a 'poor money manager' by my measure. We make about 50,000 a year combined. Maybe more with profit checks monthly. Yet we have debt (either of us had a credit card until recently and we only got one for dental, one at an appliance store for washer dryer) I DO NOT spend money on myself, have an outdated wardrobe. He buys whatever the hell he wants. He mentions it, one week later he has it.
I feel very guilty asking for 50% of the value of the business and also 50% of the profits monthly for the rest of my life. WHY?? I know I am entitled to it, I just find myself saying, I would be mad too if I was him and had to share my $
I also tell myself, I would NOT have put my spouse through what he has put me through. I would NEVER lie the way he does, he NEVER (is unable) to tell the hard-truths. So is it part of me being co-dependent that wants to show mercy? I don't REALLY fully understand MY personal co-dependency.
I feel like this whole process is pointing out to me that I am a good person. To a fault. I am honest, EVEN when it is difficult. I am caring, even though he has lied lied lied to me. I try and treat him with respect (so hard sometimes but lately, now that I know I will be free it has been easier) even though he will have angry/hurt outbursts and call me stupid, yell and swear at me. I have sympathy, even though he has had none for me. What in the hell is wrong with me hahaha
Also, any idea how long it takes for separation papers in the US?
We are 10% shareholder of a pizzeria, opened just after we were married. We moved out of state to open, I was his chauffer for 5 years when he had no license due to DUIx2. I am finding myself feeling bad for him. He is a 'poor money manager' by my measure. We make about 50,000 a year combined. Maybe more with profit checks monthly. Yet we have debt (either of us had a credit card until recently and we only got one for dental, one at an appliance store for washer dryer) I DO NOT spend money on myself, have an outdated wardrobe. He buys whatever the hell he wants. He mentions it, one week later he has it.
I feel very guilty asking for 50% of the value of the business and also 50% of the profits monthly for the rest of my life. WHY?? I know I am entitled to it, I just find myself saying, I would be mad too if I was him and had to share my $
I also tell myself, I would NOT have put my spouse through what he has put me through. I would NEVER lie the way he does, he NEVER (is unable) to tell the hard-truths. So is it part of me being co-dependent that wants to show mercy? I don't REALLY fully understand MY personal co-dependency.
I feel like this whole process is pointing out to me that I am a good person. To a fault. I am honest, EVEN when it is difficult. I am caring, even though he has lied lied lied to me. I try and treat him with respect (so hard sometimes but lately, now that I know I will be free it has been easier) even though he will have angry/hurt outbursts and call me stupid, yell and swear at me. I have sympathy, even though he has had none for me. What in the hell is wrong with me hahaha
Also, any idea how long it takes for separation papers in the US?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Codependency at its finest. Do you think he's thinking about being fair to you at all? It's the codie nature to feel we need to nurture them all the way out the door without regard to our own needs. Are you seeing a therapist or attending Al-Anon? This is something people will gladly talk about once you get them started!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Yes, I agree that it is most likely the hard wiring for co-dependency--undoubtedly coming from your early childhood. This could have been self-protective for you as a child if you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family. However, this same thing can be very determental in adulthood.
Hang around, and you will learn a lot about this concept, since almost everyone on the board has suffered the same thing to one degree or another.
dandylion
Hang around, and you will learn a lot about this concept, since almost everyone on the board has suffered the same thing to one degree or another.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Thank you! Yes, I felt very protective over myself and little sister during our childhood. This is MY FIRST real step into understanding how I am, indeed a codie! (why am I excited about that lol)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
I am seeing a therapist who deals mostly in alcohol abuse. So much so that he said I need a relationship counselor. I think he is too far on the addict side of things, and he seems to 'live' counseling and is seeing patients up to the last minute (even over into our appt time) so I would rather have a therapist better structured. Who would read my file and be up to speed instead of me having to reiterate my situation all the time. I feel I will be moving out of state as soon as we have a separation agreement so I don't really want to find a new counselor yet.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Maybe because you are like me and put everyone else before you. First things first: Learn, very quickly, that YOU are Number One. And PUT yourself in THAT position. First. Before ANYONE and EVERYONE else. Get selfish and learn to be comfortable with it. No, this doesn't mean u are going to turn into an azzhole. It's nothing to do with what you deserve or entitlement. It is learning to deal with selfish, uncaring people in a way that keeps you from continuing in the sickness. Quit being a doormat. He is not your responsibility. This is about taking your focus off the "poor alcoholic" (quit feeling sorry for and making excuse for him) and focus on your dreams, wishes, desires, and what you need to get where you want to go. What are you going to do with your one precious life?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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Originally Posted by Katiekate 
Lawyer up sister, this is war.
YOu need to have someone working for your best interests.
Push pass the feelings and just do what is right for you.
You won't regret it.
YOu need to have someone working for your best interests.
Push pass the feelings and just do what is right for you.
You won't regret it.
I'm in the middle of legal separation from my AH, which in CA is basically the same process as divorce. I'm going for 50% of our business. I've had to really push and fight to protect my interests, and there are some days when I just want to walk away from it all.
My counselor told me she's counseled many women over the years who, in the pain and heat of the divorce process, caved and didn't scrap for their fair share. Then they wind up in counseling 3-4 years later, when reality really hits, maybe the alimony is dwindling, and they are struggling to get by. Then they are dealing with the reality of not having gotten everything they could out of the marriage financially. She really encouraged me to put my Big Girl Pants on and get very mental with it all, and demand my 50% (or more).
My attorney basically told me the same thing, that not demanding what was mine would come back to haunt me down the line.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Lizloh,
I am right there with you sweetheart. Sometimes I think we just don't want to fight with them either....in addition to the nurturing and caretaking that we've become accustomed to. We don't have good memories of how our AH's react when we don't go along with them. It feels very unnatural for me to stand my ground with my STBXAH. I'm just going to fake it until I make it, because the advice you're getting here is what we both need to hear. We don't need to be vindictive or nasty. But we are worth fighting for.... please know that. Will he be giving you the same deference you are considering giving him? Doubtful right?
I also think it will be a bit easier when you do have a lawyer who will handle a lot of this stuff for you. It's a nice barrier from them.
Good luck, stay strong and take care of you. You are going to be okay.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I am right there with you sweetheart. Sometimes I think we just don't want to fight with them either....in addition to the nurturing and caretaking that we've become accustomed to. We don't have good memories of how our AH's react when we don't go along with them. It feels very unnatural for me to stand my ground with my STBXAH. I'm just going to fake it until I make it, because the advice you're getting here is what we both need to hear. We don't need to be vindictive or nasty. But we are worth fighting for.... please know that. Will he be giving you the same deference you are considering giving him? Doubtful right?
I also think it will be a bit easier when you do have a lawyer who will handle a lot of this stuff for you. It's a nice barrier from them.
Good luck, stay strong and take care of you. You are going to be okay.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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