Need a second opinion...please
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
What state does he live in?
At work, we use these guides all the time:
Families USA: Guides for Finding Health Insurance
At work, we use these guides all the time:
Families USA: Guides for Finding Health Insurance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Oh okay. I don't plan on doing this research, etc., myself because it's not my responsibility (I have enough of my own of those) but I do appreciate all the info here as I can now sleep at night. I was literally losing sleep over worrying about this, which isn't good for me because I NEED my REST lol! Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hi - very glad you got some sleep. everyone needs sleep - I'm a monster if I don't get it.
- 
one of the very best things I got from Alanon (I didn't attend for very long) was a lady in her late 50s whose daughter was in university training to be a nurse and had been ringing her begging for money because she'd badly managed the money her mother had already given her, and couldn't afford to eat. This lady would have to get herslf into debt to get her daughter out of the hole she was in and was worried to the point of not being able to sleep. The advice from her sponsor was to treat her daughter in the same way as she would treat an alcoholic (which in her case was a parent).
She drew boundaries: refusing that which was not her responsibility (picking up her adult daughter's debts), she let go, she slept. That did not mean she didn't care. her daughter ate, figured out a plan and sorted out her own debts.
I know your dad isn't an alcoholic, but he is consistently hugely manipulative, and appears from the outside to cast you in a parenting role - or at least one where you are responsible for his happiness, his relationship with your mother, and many more besides.
I am not trying to attack/belittle you, so I'm sorry if it came across that way, nor am I saying you shouldn't care for your dad. I am very glad you were able to sleep.
I'm an information junkie, so yes, that used to be my first tactic when there was a worry - find out if it's a "real" thing to worry about. But it came unstuck a lot of times - either I didn't have enough information - or yes it was a real thing to worry about but I could do zippo about it, or I could do something, but it would cause a lot of pain etc etc.
I found my anxiety was much easier once I could use "is this my responsibility?" rather than "is this real?"
When my father had a heart attack he didn't tell me until after he was out of the hospital and on meds and he knew what his prognosis was - because he didn't want to worry me. Which is too far the other way for my comfort zone - still treating me like an adolescent, but also because having a bunch of people worrying about you doesn't actually help any situation at all.
As a child I was taught to equate worrying with caring - i.e. if I don't worry - I don't care and conversley the more we care about someone, the more we worry about them. I have an anxiety disorder - this may be connected!
My therapist tells me that caring doesn't equal worrying - it took me LONG time to get round that one. That I can care without worrying, and that I can control my anxiety.
Complete aside, but worth knowing? "professionals" aren't free in the UK either, and healthcare isn't free at the point of use in many european countries. But there are many advisory services/helplines/professional websites that are, just like in the US.
I understand this isn't the second opinion that you were after.
BTW, my father is not an alcoholic,
one of the very best things I got from Alanon (I didn't attend for very long) was a lady in her late 50s whose daughter was in university training to be a nurse and had been ringing her begging for money because she'd badly managed the money her mother had already given her, and couldn't afford to eat. This lady would have to get herslf into debt to get her daughter out of the hole she was in and was worried to the point of not being able to sleep. The advice from her sponsor was to treat her daughter in the same way as she would treat an alcoholic (which in her case was a parent).She drew boundaries: refusing that which was not her responsibility (picking up her adult daughter's debts), she let go, she slept. That did not mean she didn't care. her daughter ate, figured out a plan and sorted out her own debts.
I know your dad isn't an alcoholic, but he is consistently hugely manipulative, and appears from the outside to cast you in a parenting role - or at least one where you are responsible for his happiness, his relationship with your mother, and many more besides.
I am not trying to attack/belittle you, so I'm sorry if it came across that way, nor am I saying you shouldn't care for your dad. I am very glad you were able to sleep.
I'm an information junkie, so yes, that used to be my first tactic when there was a worry - find out if it's a "real" thing to worry about. But it came unstuck a lot of times - either I didn't have enough information - or yes it was a real thing to worry about but I could do zippo about it, or I could do something, but it would cause a lot of pain etc etc.
I found my anxiety was much easier once I could use "is this my responsibility?" rather than "is this real?"
When my father had a heart attack he didn't tell me until after he was out of the hospital and on meds and he knew what his prognosis was - because he didn't want to worry me. Which is too far the other way for my comfort zone - still treating me like an adolescent, but also because having a bunch of people worrying about you doesn't actually help any situation at all.
As a child I was taught to equate worrying with caring - i.e. if I don't worry - I don't care and conversley the more we care about someone, the more we worry about them. I have an anxiety disorder - this may be connected!
My therapist tells me that caring doesn't equal worrying - it took me LONG time to get round that one. That I can care without worrying, and that I can control my anxiety.
Complete aside, but worth knowing? "professionals" aren't free in the UK either, and healthcare isn't free at the point of use in many european countries. But there are many advisory services/helplines/professional websites that are, just like in the US.
I understand this isn't the second opinion that you were after.
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