nowinsituation

Well, by long-gone I mean I am long-gone from my AH, by five years. Divorced, and happily remarried. But I still have LOTS of resentment.... which may or may not be what's brought me back here....

First off, I've had a really strained relationship with my son for the past year or so. He is close to his father, and does not like my husband. Right after the separation from his Dad, I talked to and saw him pretty regularly (he was 18 at the time, and just beginning college). He graduated, got a job, got married, and now has a 6-month old baby! We live near each other, in the same town, but I never see them. I pushed the issue about a year ago, asked him why he was shutting me out of his life with no explanation. He swears he is not unhappy with me; but he and his wife do not like my husband; and they only can give me vague answers why. I reluctantly can accept that.... but I try to visit or schedule outings with just me and them (and grandbaby), they always have some excuse. I asked my son last week again, if there was a reason he was upset with me, he swears no; and they've just been busy. He says just call and we can get together, but I've tried twice since then and again "sorry we are busy".

They spend lots of time with her family and my X.... and I am feeling rejected and jealous. Last year I cracked the shell a little and opened communication about when his Dad and I split. When I left it was a complete shock to my son; and so I began to tell him how his Dad's drinking had affected me, etc. Son and wife are very devout Christians; and both believe that divorce is wrong, and (I believe) hold it against me that I did not stay and "save" my X from his alcoholism.....

I guess what I struggle with the most is the mixed messages I get from him.... he says he has no ill-will against ME (only my husband); yet will not accomodate visits with just ME. Not to mention they do not acknowledge me at special occasions such as my birthday or mother's day.... Didn't get me a Christmas gift last year.... So I feel he does have resentment toward me.... If it was not my son; I would have given up on the relationship already!!

And also struggling more with this because.. my Mom is dying..... We found out last January that she has lung cancer, on top of already having Parkinson's disease, and that she was refusing treatment. She is in a nursing home, and doesn't have much time left. She is upset with my Dad that he won't bring her home..... I hate to see him upset about this, and have that be how they spend their last days together.....

And I remember feeling like this a lot as a child, and the ACOA stuff starts coming back to me. My dad was (is?) an A.... functional.... whatever..... just kind of absent a lot, and a binge drinker..... But my Mom was upset with him a lot; and I remember feeling that I didn't want to ever let on to Mom if Dad disappointed me; because I didn't want her to be even more upset with him.... And I had a brief moment the other day where I realized I would be a little relieved when she died, because I wouldn't have to protect my Dad from her anymore...... and wow.... I am still absorbing that???


I know this is all pretty off-topic; but I needed to write it out! Would love to hear anyone's ESH! Thanks.

m1k3

I have no ES&H on this that I can share but being a grandparent one thing I can recommend that might help is offer to babysit. It gives you a chance to be with your grandchild without having to interact with them and all parents like free babysitting.

Just a thought.

Your friend,

Learn2Live

Sounds like a good opportunity for you to work on that resentment you've been lugging around all these years.

nowinsituation

Absolutely agree with you L2L. All is good in my head.... I know that I need to let go of the resentment, I know all the reasons why, and I know this all in my head....

But deep down I recognize that in my heart I still feel the resentment. It seems to be fueled by the jealousy that he has a closer relationship to our son and his family.... that they have seemingly "judged" me harshly for leaving him; while my XAH seemingly gets of "scott-free" for all the damage he did to the marriage with his alcoholism.

I can't seem to get a handle on it. I can argue myself in circles and still not feel any better:

"It's not fair"...... "Life is not fair" etc., etc., round and round and round.....

Any ideas on how to actually get past it?

Oh, and for the babysitting..... I have offered, will continue to. I did get to once!

suki44883

It takes time. I had SO much resentment toward my ex for a lot of years. Finally, it just kind of went away. I didn't CARE what he or his family thought of me. I've heard it said that what others think of me is none of my business, but it took a while for me to reach that point. You'll get there, but it is just sad that they seem to be using your grandson to punish you for whatever they say they don't have against you.

Tuffgirl

I am very sorry for your struggles. I don't have much ES&H to share myself, but I can relate to dysfunction in families!

It sounds to me that your son is either burying his head in the sand about his father, or really was unaware of the drinking. I lean toward the former, because kids know, regardless of how much we do to protect them from the damage.

I agree with Mike, that forcing a relationship is out of the question but forging a relationship with your grandkids is doable! I'd let that be my focus, and let go of the hope for a closer relationship with the son right now.

And your folks - well, what can I say? I am all for refusing treatment if that's what a person wants to do, and dying at home peacefully and securely with hospice to manage any pain. How could you advocate for your Mom to make that happen?

Lastly, "fair" is a place we go to ride the rides. Life isn't "fair". And others have rights too. It can be a bitter pill to swallow, but knowing life isn't fair helped me let go of a lot of resentment about my own perceived unfairness.

Fathom

(((Hugs)))
I am not a Grandma or even a Mom, but your experience with your son feels familiar. My parents were divorced when I was young. My brother and sister are older than me, and my brother in particular was at a very rebellious teenager stage when my parents divorced. He sided with my Dad and remains much closer to him. I see the good in both of my parents and try to steer clear of judging their dynamic, but I do remain closer to my Mom.

Anyway, When my brother had his son 5 years ago, my Mom was heart-broken (her 1st grandchild) because she could see she wasn't given a chance to be with him. They drove all over the place to see my SIL's family and my Dad, but my Mom would only see him maybe once a month (and SIL tried to dictate the activities and even X-mas gifts for him). Well, here's what happened... My Mom is retired and has lots of time for babysitting. My SIL realized she actually had her hands too full, and my nephew REALLY loves his Grandma. HE insists that he spends time with his Grandma. So, he does.

So, be patient with them. Make the most of the time you can have with your grandchild and nurture that relationship with fun and engaging activities. The family dynamic with kids seems to be ever changing. Give it some time and remain open to visiting and baby-sitting. In the meantime, I hope you can make peace with your own Mom's situation. Your family will be in my thoughts.

Take care,
Fathom

nowinsituation

Thanks, you have all given me some new ways to process the situation. I have been trying to put these things in practice.... but it's so DARN HARD to not start laying a guilt trip on my son sometimes!! Thankfully, I haven't gone in that direction.

One thing I need to remember is "This too shall pass...." and just keep trying to improve things.

As far as my Mom, a little good news yesterday, she may get to come home. They have been working with hospice. The insight about my always trying to keep my Mom from getting mad at my Dad has really helped me understand why I am still do this day focused on keeping other people from getting upset. A new perspective.... gives me some peace actually.... and am finding it a little easier to step back.

Anyway, thanks all!

Florence

I grew up with parents who were always in turmoil (dad is depressive/explosive and mom is codependent/anxious), and when I finally got out of the house I had to put some emotional and psychic distance between us. It wasn't that I didn't love them, but that sometimes their problems were toxic, and I needed time to process that and work it out. I was scarce for family events and rarely called or interacted with my family. My family was needy or hostile about me pulling away, which made me pull away even more. For years I wished that my family was the kind that could address problems openly and be honest about our feelings and just get it over with. Alas, I did not have that family.

Some years later, I find myself really wanting that time with my family again, even though dad is still depressive and explosive, and mom is still anxious and codependent (just struggled with her about some uber-codependent advice she gave me yesterday). Be because I took that time, I feel more equipped to deal with my feelings about my family and how I grew up, which INEVITABLY comes out whenever we spend time together.

I'm not saying that's necessarily what this is about, but this is why I avoided my folks even though we lived in the same town.

Have you talked to your husband about what this friction could be about? Or has your son been specific about it?

I second the suggestion of offering babysitting. Who turns down free babysitting?!