I guess I'm starting over?
 

So I'm stuck in this in-between world of actively waiting, ignoring, and moving on.

To be completely honest, part of me is "working on myself" because in the end I want to be mentally healthy for him if he should ever want me in his life again.

I'm just worried.

Some days I do so well, I'm up at 6, do my jogging, smile on my face... and then other days I'm just a mess... crying at work, ignoring phone calls, playing that stupid "Real or Not Real?" game, where all I do is sit and ask myself if this or that particular memory there was genuine feeling involved was real or not.

I guess now that I know more about alcoholism, it's been so disheartening as to whether he was real with me or not, and whether those feelings are still there.

Like I said, I'm all over the place. Even in this thread, it feels like I've got so many concerns and questions.

The worst is that I attend the same church as his parents, and they know that I know about his addiction and his recovery. They know that I KNOW EVERYTHING... and sometimes when I see them, the memories come back so strongly- he has his mother's eyes, and when I look at her I just fall apart.

I'm trying to get myself some help for this, and although I would genuinely enjoy a physical support system (friends), I'm a loner/introvert plus my closest group of friends is burnt out about my eabf.

I fill my time with groups and hobbies and events, but everything feels like a size too large because normally I would experience everything with him. Or at least, nothing would ever feel like it really happened until I told him about it.

Maybe I was too enmeshed with him.

And the worst was that it felt GREAT! And now? It feels like I'm being punished. Like- this isn't my fault, why should I have to bear the burden of having my heart ripped out?

Oh well.

Thanks for reading.


tl;dr I'm falling apart little by little.

Big hugs to you.

I'm sure someone has said this before, but I found that the only people who could really understand the wild mix of feelings you experience after breaking up with an addict (or for that matter while living with one) were other people who had been there. The people here, and the people at Al-Anon.

Other people might try to understand, but they were sort of talking about either feelings that were like dessert or feelings that were like a main course, and my feelings were a mix of sushi and icecream with some coffee beans mixed in. My "normal" friends couldn't follow how I could hate him and yet not want to leave him. It didn't compute for them.

Many, many people in Al-Anon are introverts. I became an introvert by being married to an A. I can promise you that if you go to enough meetings (and nobody's going to force you to bare your soul!), you'll find yourself surrounded by people who get it and who make you feel less lonely.

((((((((((((JellyBelly))))))))))))))

Hi, you are going to feel this way, being with an A is very confusing and bizarre, it's stressful and very very hurtful.

These feelings will fade, in time, but you have to give yourself time. It sounds like you are doing a lot to keep yourself going, good positive things, keep doing those things for yourself.

I'm wondering if attending the same church as his parents is something you can change, it's triggering you, and maybe in time, when you get stronger , it won't feel so bad, but maybe for now, just staying away is a good idea, just a suggestion.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly, keep posting, we are here, and we care.

love to you Katie

Oh KatieKate, I left for a whole YEAR(!) and it's just so difficult finding a church to call home. I love my church, and I love my choir, and my Bible Study, and all the parishioners; going to a different church just made it seem like ERMAHGERD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU CANT DEAL WITH SEEING HIS PARENTS! It made the whole worship scene stand out even more and I I figured well I'm going to be thinking about it ANYWAY, I may as well go where I am comfortable and surrounded by loving company.

But thank you. Your words are very kind and I greatly appreciate the thoughts and hugs that go along with them :)
:grouphug:

I totally understand. It will get better, I am doing so much better than i was in Jan, and March, and April :)

Please keep posting your feelings, it helps I think.

Have you read the Addictive Personality, I know I'm pushing this book lately, it was suggested to me and boy it was soooooo helpful.

Big hug Katie

Have you thought of some individual therapy to work through the enmeshment (which I agree - you still are enmeshed with him if you are actively trying to change in hopes he comes back to you)?

Our own recovery won't be near as successful if we don't learn to let people, places, and things go.

And yes, this is a painful, gut-wrenching process, but you will get through it, if you let yourself. "Stuck" is not a place you have to remain.

From One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, December 21, page 356:

"I told my horror story and ended my recital with a despairing, ‘What shall I do?’

“One member spoke up, ‘Do the dishes! Take a walk! Read a book! Start somewhere to unhook your mind from confusions, but don’t do anything about your problems until you can see them more clearly. You’ll change your way of thinking about them and the solutions will come.’

“This, to me, is the Al-Anon program in a nutshell! ...”

Today's Reminder

I will not try to make important decisions until I have freed my mind from resentment, self-pity and hopelessness. Then I will be ready.

“With the serenity I find in Al-Anon many of my difficulties solve themselves without my help.”