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i think i messed up

Old 09-11-2012, 07:33 AM
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i think i messed up

I am trying to deal with separation with AH best as possible but I react emotionally at times. I'm working on that. Well, our 4 year old girl is sick and he offered to miss work and stay home with her today. I said no because I was triggered by the last time she was sick I informed him and he accused me of using her sickness to talk to him and he gave me a drunken episode. I actually can't miss work and I have another obligation and I turned him down knowing full well I needed his help. What is wrong with me? I just get in this mode where I'm so hurt by his behavior and I just want nothing to do with him but I see this time, maybe I was only really being stubborn and hurting myself because I'm scrambling for a sitter and she could've been with her dad who'd be catering to her.

How can I separate trusting him as her dad and as the man who let me down in every other way? He always takes care of her. He bought her medicine and soup and dropped it last night and I just opened door, took it and shut the door. He offered to miss work. What is my problem? I need help from those who've had to co-parent...
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
last time she was sick I informed him and he accused me of using her sickness to talk to him and he gave me a drunken episode.
You are doing what is best for you.
You are protecting yourself from his drama/abuse that he may hurl at you later.

If you called him and accepted his offer to sit with the sick child after his last tirade, your actions would be telling him it is okay to treat the mother of his child with disrespect.

It is not okay to be treated with disrespect. You are doing great!
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Old 09-11-2012, 08:46 AM
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You have the right to draw boundaries. You do not have to open the door to him just because he's nice this time. You owe him nothing, really.
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Old 09-11-2012, 08:51 AM
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I would be very surprised if you did separate the alcoholic from the father. It is the same man, regardless. And if he really took care of her as a father should, he'd be more respectful to you, her mother. And he'd get his own stuff together in his life.

I agree with the others...you did a good job by setting a boundary and acting on it. Yeah, it hurt you in the immediate moment, but it will pay off in the long run.

Can you find others in your life that are kinder and more reliable?
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Old 09-11-2012, 10:37 AM
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You did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up.
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Old 09-11-2012, 10:57 AM
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I second what all the other posters said. When my AH and I were separated, I did my best to find back up care for when I absolutely needed to be at work and 1 of my kids was sick. I did not rely on AH because at the time, he was actively drinking and I never knew what I was going to get.

Maybe you are doing a great job at separation and your AH is now using your daughter's illness to get back into your life.

Do you have designated times when he cares for your daughter? If she is sick during those times then he will handle or get his own back up if needed.

I know I am making it sound simpler than it is, but it was always easier for me to not depend on my AH and let go the times it was his responsibility. Somehow he managed to not drink when he had to take care of the kids and if he did drink, well that was a different story and I didn't leave the kids with him.

Anyhow, you take care of yourself and if you are not comfortable, don't let your AH's response to your daughter being sick make you feel like you messed up. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-11-2012, 11:32 AM
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One Day & Episode at a time. You took a rightful stance against his behavior. You didn't "codie" up to him. You acted accordingly by dealing yourself. That, however, doesn't mean that those actions foreclose your options of tomorrow.

Say that she should get sick again, God forbid. You proactively can ask him to watch her and, if he agrees to, you can tell him that you're counting on him for that. Nothing more. See what happens. Take it One Day at a Time from there too. The beauty of that is that she has her father and mother in HER life then, and that you are watching out for her safety as the backstop to the addiction bs.
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Old 09-11-2012, 12:50 PM
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I applaud you for trusting your instincts. It's so hard to keep from second-guessing ourselves, stay strong and maintain your boundary.
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Old 09-11-2012, 02:40 PM
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Here's your problem...

...and it's the only one I can see from your post. Your problem is...that you thought this was a problem.

You did, exactly the right thing. You took what you know, based on real and replicated evidence, and applied it to make the best decision for you and your daughter in the long run.

Well done! Now do it again!



Cyranoak


Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
I am trying to deal with separation with AH best as possible but I react emotionally at times. I'm working on that. Well, our 4 year old girl is sick and he offered to miss work and stay home with her today. I said no because I was triggered by the last time she was sick I informed him and he accused me of using her sickness to talk to him and he gave me a drunken episode. I actually can't miss work and I have another obligation and I turned him down knowing full well I needed his help. What is wrong with me? I just get in this mode where I'm so hurt by his behavior and I just want nothing to do with him but I see this time, maybe I was only really being stubborn and hurting myself because I'm scrambling for a sitter and she could've been with her dad who'd be catering to her.

How can I separate trusting him as her dad and as the man who let me down in every other way? He always takes care of her. He bought her medicine and soup and dropped it last night and I just opened door, took it and shut the door. He offered to miss work. What is my problem? I need help from those who've had to co-parent...
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:01 PM
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Thank you everyone. More is always revealed...I never even stopped to think I did the right thing! I am so used to second guessing myself. Of course he's telling me I'm a control freak, etc...but I am just going to ignore him. I guess I am stronger than I thought! Progress...
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Old 09-11-2012, 09:08 PM
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She's still sick. I have to make other arrangements for her tomorrow and I did...without AH...I can do this without him...
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
She's still sick. I have to make other arrangements for her tomorrow and I did...without AH...I can do this without him...
Yes you can!

Sending get-well thoughts to your daughter, and hugs to you!
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Old 09-12-2012, 08:53 AM
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I agree with Freedom - of course you can. It is tricky...but I've done it for 12 years now. With two kids. And now they are old enough to leave them alone, so I made it!!! ; )

Being a single parent is tough, but doable. Create a network of friends you can rely on for help, and think outside the box with childcare. I did a lot of "swapping" child care, we'd watch each other's kids. It worked quite well.
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