insane

hi everyone

i've still been reading pretty regularly here but haven't posted in quite awhile.

i've been in al-anon now for almost 6 months

got a sponsor with whom i talk, work regularly

going to LOTS of mtgs

praying/meditating

calling

reading/journaling

its all helped so incredibly much...i don't want to know my life without al-anon ever again

but change is so hard!!! i feel generally calm (the constant panic feeling is pretty much gone) and i am very grateful for my program and my angels and my God, but i am feeling more unsettled, uncomfortable.

being so aware and so conscious of ME is good, but also feels yucky because i don't like a lot of what is revealed to me about me since i came into the program

i can be very judgemental, mean-spirited, emotional, highly reactive, very scared, easily manipulated and dominated and victimized, controlling, overly responsible, extremely neurotic, immature, etc etc

trying to learn a new way of thinking and being is exhausting and then trying to do my part in changing my relationship with my A (who had 90 clean in dec, not totally sure of his status right now) is even harder.

sometimes lately i just want to quit because my own project on myself feels like a fulltime gig that will NEVER be done

and i know it won't be...its a journey, a process

i guess i'm feeling some resentment, some self-pity today...not as hopeful

because i really want my family and i want to be whole...the work just feels overwhelming

gotta stay focused on this day..thats it...just struggling today

margo

Hi Insane! Change IS hard. It's also painful to look at ourselves and all the things we don't like. I can also be all those things you listed above. Change can't come without those realizations, though, so hang in there and stay the course. You are a work in progress right now and it's going to feel uncomfortable for a while, but you won't always feel the way you do now. There is a lot of positives in your post and I think you've really come a long way. Just keep doing the next right thing, have faith that the process works, and know that you are going to come through this a much healthier and happier person.

Don't be a stranger!

Love and hugs.

insane

thanks for your reply, margo...i sure needed it!!!

thats what i will focus on today...just doing the next right thing

and try to remember that this discomfort can lead to real change if i stay the course

just like my sponsor keeps telling me...i can change if i WILL...if i will do the work

thanks again for making me feel so welcome, especially after not posting for so long

insane

one thing about panic...i had no idea i was in a constant state of panic, anxiety and its no way to live...its miserable

i know now that i get panicky when i try to monitor my husband, obsess about his goings-ons,etc

i've noticed that i feel less panicked now because my focus is more on me...my feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, boundaries, choices, real responsibilities, etc

the focus on me leads to real awareness which often leads to discomfort which can lead to change if i keep working it, right?

admitting i was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable was very very very very hard for me...to put it mildly

Magichappens

(((Insane)))
You know how when you first start excercising, and you are really sore and tired? But you know you are going to get results soon if you keep it up. That sore tired feeling goes away eventually, and all you have to do is maintain. You've probably already made it through the toughest part. If you quit, you just have to start over.
Also, it seems that you are being a little too hard on yourself. Focus on yourself, but don't beat yourself up. Change is good, but realize that you are already ok, and go from there. We are not bad people trying to get good, we are good people trying to get a little better. XXOO, Magic

Daffodil

((((((insane)))))

Change is and never has been easy for me....any change even if it is healthy and I feel uncomfortable simply because it is new....

It's always baby steps for me...and I learn instance by instance, by going to Al-Anon meetings and coming here and doin' the deal, gives me the opportunity to listen and learn from other people's experiences ....I hate pain so I'd much rather learn from someone else's pain than experience it myself.....

Keep up the healthy stuff, you're right where you need to be to get to where you need to go...

Love and prayers,
Daffodil

constant

Insane,

Magichappens stated it very well!!! I just wanted to stop in for support.....those days that come of self-pity are tough, but you will pull through and tomorrow WILL BE better than today!!

Constant