Re post from newcomers forum: Prince Charming had left me to fight demons but...
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Re post from newcomers forum: Prince Charming had left me to fight demons but...
Prince Charming had left me to fight demons but never came back
Prince Charming had found me the end of June and by the beginning of July we were unseparably in a great relationship,falling in cosmiclove. Hewassweetand kind, a real attentive gentleman. There were a few things I noticed about his drinking but I've always been a fun girl and there were only two times that I saw that were questionable.
I went away for my birthday for two weeks thinking that he'd might forget about me, but he was more attentive to me, always calling and texting, I was in high heaven yearning to get back home.
He was a fast moving guy that knew what he wanted and he wanted me, to be with him and eventually move in with him. He sucked me in I've dated some guy not at all good for me and I thought that this time my Prince Charming really came along to save me. Little did I know by the end of July I'd be saving him.
He went away in August to a rehab center in Connecticut. He came to the realization that good things were entering his life and he wanted to fix himself on his own terms this time around. He blind sided me. I had no clue. I felt stupid and abandoned. He gaveme the option to walk away, but hoping that id stay. And so i did because it was too late. My guarded walls were down and I fell sodeepwith him. And so I waited for a month not sharing how i felt because I wanted to be the dutiful girlfriend and not give him a hard time while he was away. Plus I figured that i can ask him after he came back and reaclimated.
It's September now and he's back. We spent time together here and there. I gave him a letter and a daily journal I kept formy thoughtsto him while he was away. I know he hasnt read them yet. The attentiveness is gone. He said he still wants to be with me but hes working on his recovery for now. I'm trying to be understanding but he is completely different from the guy I used to know. The calls are less frequent, his affirmations are gone, his I love yous are sparse, and he's never initially wanting to see me.
What is he doing? How can he still want to be with me but pull away from me somuch. And adding everything else on his to do list... Yoga class, meditations, a puppy, German classes, gym. I don't think I'm even on his list except for his daily phone calls.
When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shellsand don'tknow what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable? At what point do I say, okay let's grow up and take responsibility for the lives that you may have shaken because of course he feels like he and I quote "hasn't affected my life that badly." I'm hurt, devastated, and angry.
Most importantly is this typical for someone in recovery?
Prince Charming had found me the end of June and by the beginning of July we were unseparably in a great relationship,falling in cosmiclove. Hewassweetand kind, a real attentive gentleman. There were a few things I noticed about his drinking but I've always been a fun girl and there were only two times that I saw that were questionable.
I went away for my birthday for two weeks thinking that he'd might forget about me, but he was more attentive to me, always calling and texting, I was in high heaven yearning to get back home.
He was a fast moving guy that knew what he wanted and he wanted me, to be with him and eventually move in with him. He sucked me in I've dated some guy not at all good for me and I thought that this time my Prince Charming really came along to save me. Little did I know by the end of July I'd be saving him.
He went away in August to a rehab center in Connecticut. He came to the realization that good things were entering his life and he wanted to fix himself on his own terms this time around. He blind sided me. I had no clue. I felt stupid and abandoned. He gaveme the option to walk away, but hoping that id stay. And so i did because it was too late. My guarded walls were down and I fell sodeepwith him. And so I waited for a month not sharing how i felt because I wanted to be the dutiful girlfriend and not give him a hard time while he was away. Plus I figured that i can ask him after he came back and reaclimated.
It's September now and he's back. We spent time together here and there. I gave him a letter and a daily journal I kept formy thoughtsto him while he was away. I know he hasnt read them yet. The attentiveness is gone. He said he still wants to be with me but hes working on his recovery for now. I'm trying to be understanding but he is completely different from the guy I used to know. The calls are less frequent, his affirmations are gone, his I love yous are sparse, and he's never initially wanting to see me.
What is he doing? How can he still want to be with me but pull away from me somuch. And adding everything else on his to do list... Yoga class, meditations, a puppy, German classes, gym. I don't think I'm even on his list except for his daily phone calls.
When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shellsand don'tknow what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable? At what point do I say, okay let's grow up and take responsibility for the lives that you may have shaken because of course he feels like he and I quote "hasn't affected my life that badly." I'm hurt, devastated, and angry.
Most importantly is this typical for someone in recovery?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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From everything i have read about recovery it is very typical.
He is now in the battle of his life, sobriety is his main focus, as it should be.
I would continue to educate myself about addiction, and perhaps you will gain a greater understanding of what he is struggling to achieve. This is is very personal journey, and unfortunately, one he must walk alone.
In the big picture of life, you have only known this guy a few months, all you can really do is allow him the opportunity to work HIS program.
If your needs are not being met, that's about YOU. Might be time to acknowledge the situation for what it really is today.
There are so many red flags in your post, I sure hope you stay with us, and learn all you can about addiction.
I will be hoping to hear more from you.
He is now in the battle of his life, sobriety is his main focus, as it should be.
I would continue to educate myself about addiction, and perhaps you will gain a greater understanding of what he is struggling to achieve. This is is very personal journey, and unfortunately, one he must walk alone.
In the big picture of life, you have only known this guy a few months, all you can really do is allow him the opportunity to work HIS program.
If your needs are not being met, that's about YOU. Might be time to acknowledge the situation for what it really is today.
There are so many red flags in your post, I sure hope you stay with us, and learn all you can about addiction.
I will be hoping to hear more from you.
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@Marie1960. To summarize his return since September 1 we have had a discussion about us. He does want to be with me and right niw I do need to learn more about his recovery.
In the past I did have an arrogance/ignorance to someone in recovery who was interested in me and as karma would have it. Now I'm in this position not by choice but here it is and I couldnt help but to love the guy he may or may have rubbed out of a bottle. But I am willing to try. Prince Charming is worth that and maybe someday he will come back.
I have signed up to an al-anon meeting this week and going to see a therapist for my own stuff as well as this now.
We spoke tonight and had a better conversation than earlier yesterday. I'm beginning to undrstand how he needs to do this on his own, and he's beginning to understand that he has affected me, he had no idea. And all I can do is hold up as long as i can and hope for the best and ideal outcome for the both of us if he truly wants to be with me.
In the past I did have an arrogance/ignorance to someone in recovery who was interested in me and as karma would have it. Now I'm in this position not by choice but here it is and I couldnt help but to love the guy he may or may have rubbed out of a bottle. But I am willing to try. Prince Charming is worth that and maybe someday he will come back.
I have signed up to an al-anon meeting this week and going to see a therapist for my own stuff as well as this now.
We spoke tonight and had a better conversation than earlier yesterday. I'm beginning to undrstand how he needs to do this on his own, and he's beginning to understand that he has affected me, he had no idea. And all I can do is hold up as long as i can and hope for the best and ideal outcome for the both of us if he truly wants to be with me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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I am not sure if there is much in your story that is "typical". It reads like a romantic film packed into 90 minutes. Are you sure you really genuinely love this guy? I ask that because I don't really believe we fall in love so quickly. Lust, yes. But loving people requires time to develop. And it sounds as if you got a guy with a serious addiction problem, who you don't know as a sober man, so you really don't know him well at all.
Sorry this sounds harsh - I don't intend to pi$$ all over your parade, but right now, if he is really serious about staying sober, he needs time to focus on that, so being selfish right now is very important. So important that newcomers to programs like AA are discouraged from having a relationship in the first year of sobriety.
Have you read about alcoholism? Do you know what this is and what it means? If not, that'd be a great place to start. Just Google the term and let it take you onward.
Good luck to you,
~T
Sorry this sounds harsh - I don't intend to pi$$ all over your parade, but right now, if he is really serious about staying sober, he needs time to focus on that, so being selfish right now is very important. So important that newcomers to programs like AA are discouraged from having a relationship in the first year of sobriety.
Have you read about alcoholism? Do you know what this is and what it means? If not, that'd be a great place to start. Just Google the term and let it take you onward.
Good luck to you,
~T
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@ tuffgirl. I'm glad you said what you did. It's always good to get opinions that are indifferent from what I want because I also think this way too, along with every other possible scenario surrounding my situation. he did tell me about not starting any new relationships for a year. I gave him the get out of jail free card and he didn't want to take it.
I am or was or still am the most cynical and skeptic person I know when it comes to love. It's one of those you had to be there moments to believe it but yes it was there for the both of us rubbed out from a bottle or not and that is the only reason why I'm still with him. In my mind, not all of it could have been under the influence.
I have been purposefully ignorant to addiction, as seen in a blog up, but I am learning about it because if all isn't lost, I want to understand it and get back to my nauseating romance movie. Things like that just don't happen and if there is a possibility that after help and growth Prince Charming is still there through the muck then its worth working for.
I am or was or still am the most cynical and skeptic person I know when it comes to love. It's one of those you had to be there moments to believe it but yes it was there for the both of us rubbed out from a bottle or not and that is the only reason why I'm still with him. In my mind, not all of it could have been under the influence.
I have been purposefully ignorant to addiction, as seen in a blog up, but I am learning about it because if all isn't lost, I want to understand it and get back to my nauseating romance movie. Things like that just don't happen and if there is a possibility that after help and growth Prince Charming is still there through the muck then its worth working for.
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you met in late June, between 5 and 9 weeks later he's in rehab, for 4 weeks, now he's a 10-11 days out of rehab?
You are not even 3 months in to the relationship:
there is often a honeymoon phase ina relationship - this is chemically induced from endorphins flooding our brains, mixed in with lust.
add on to this, the time you have spent with him was when he was pre-rehab.
You are feeling devastated over a few short, honeymoon-phase and chemically laden weeks.
what advice would you give a sister/girlfriend/daughter/random poster on this website?
would it go sort of like this?:
go forward, live your life to your full potential and meet as many of the 6 BILLION people on this planet as you can who aren't addicted and distancing themselves from you at the beggining of a relationship, have fun, run free......?
You are not even 3 months in to the relationship:
When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shellsand don'tknow what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable? At what point do I say, okay let's grow up and take responsibility for the lives that you may have shaken because of course he feels like he and I quote "hasn't affected my life that badly." I'm hurt, devastated, and angry.
add on to this, the time you have spent with him was when he was pre-rehab.
You are feeling devastated over a few short, honeymoon-phase and chemically laden weeks.
what advice would you give a sister/girlfriend/daughter/random poster on this website?
would it go sort of like this?:
go forward, live your life to your full potential and meet as many of the 6 BILLION people on this planet as you can who aren't addicted and distancing themselves from you at the beggining of a relationship, have fun, run free......?
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by trckdnbamboozld 
What is he doing? How can he still want to be with me but pull away from me somuch. And adding everything else on his to do list... Yoga class, meditations, a puppy, German classes, gym. I don't think I'm even on his list except for his daily phone calls.
When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shellsand don'tknow what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable? At what point do I say, okay let's grow up and take responsibility for the lives that you may have shaken because of course he feels like he and I quote "hasn't affected my life that badly." I'm hurt, devastated, and angry.
Most importantly is this typical for someone in recovery?
When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shellsand don'tknow what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable? At what point do I say, okay let's grow up and take responsibility for the lives that you may have shaken because of course he feels like he and I quote "hasn't affected my life that badly." I'm hurt, devastated, and angry.
Most importantly is this typical for someone in recovery?
The time it took for you and he to go from complete strangers to in-love-and-connected-at-the-hip is a red flag. It's pretty common for both alcoholics and codependents to do this in new relationships. The question for you is, is the way he is acting RIGHT NOW what you want in a relationship? If P.C. NEVER returns, will you be happy? Somehow, I doubt it; at least it has never been enough for me. I recommend you to take action now, cut your losses, and move on. Go work on yourself and investigate why you got so deeply involved so quickly and how to prevent that from happening again. The last time I did this same thing, for the umpteenth time, I have discovered I need to set better boundaries, get smart about manipulation tactics other people use, and work on my emotional dependence and maturity. You may want to start your own investigation at Al-Anon.
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I appreciate everyone's input and help. I do feel that these responses are losing hindsight of what I'm asking. I do have my own mind and understand that I can jump in and out at anytime. I do understand that there are easier men out there. Relationships come a dime a dozen but this is what I've chosen and what im asking for is information on the recovery processes and what to expect so that i can adjust what I'm doing that will be condusive to his sobriety as well as my peace of mind. You also can't judge on an individuals time frame as there can be no assumed generalizations with individuals. So if we can focus more on that aspect of coping rather than the It's tough situation you should leave it, I'd very much appreciate it. Thanks to everyone that gave me perspective on how people in recovery act.
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Unfortunately alcoholism and the recovery process isn't that cut and dry, I'm afraid. It depends on the individual in recovery, if they are serious about recovery (as opposed to "faking" recovery so their friends/family will leave them alone), how many years they have been an active alcoholic, the home they were born into and raised in, etc.
One thing I will say is, his sobriety isn't yours to protect or maintain, it's his.
One thing I will say is, his sobriety isn't yours to protect or maintain, it's his.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by trckdnbamboozld
this is what I've chosen
and what im asking for is information on the recovery processes and what to expect so that i can adjust what I'm doing that will be condusive to his sobriety as well as my peace of mind.
2. It is not your responsibility to adjust YOURSELF to support HIS sobriety. There is NOTHING you can do to help or make him stay sober.
3. What will help you gain peace of mind is either removing yourself from the hell that is the alcoholic's sphere, and/or go to Al-Anon and begin working on your SELF.
You also can't judge on an individuals time frame as there can be no assumed generalizations with individuals.
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trckdnbamboozled--why did you choose that handle? there's something in it that is truthful.
I believe the other posters are not off course, but they they are giving their many years of wisdom having been down the road with an alcoholic, a road you are new to.
That said, I realize what they are saying is not what you want to hear.
There is a sticky at the top of the forum page that explains how you may help an alcoholic. It will not tell you what you want to hear either, as there are no easy solutions for alcoholism. It is a complex psychological imbalance that for a foundation has unresolved issues often going back into childhood.
The first thing that everyone has to learn when they have an alcoholic in their life is that they are truly powerless to do anything about it. The alcoholic will decide what they will do, and no amount of trying to help, getting angry, or anything else will change their miinds. They alone hold all the power to their recovery. The first thing that must be learned is that we each only have power over our own lives, and you only have power over yours, not his.
It is humbling to learn that you can't save this prince charming from himself or his addiction. He alone has that power. You can't even really help him. You may not like that, but that's the way it is.
Prince charming is doing what he wants to do. You are learning that alcholism is a selfish disease. Recovery is likewise selfish, and for good reason--he has to focus selfishly on himself in order to succeed.
New to this pain we know here, you are feeling the tip of the iceberg when you say that he has now placed you far down his list of priorities. If you are going to be in his life, realize NOW, not later, that you will continue to be down his list of priorities for quite awhile. This is because alcoholism is a selfish disease, and because recovery is necessarily just as selfish.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and making sure that your needs are met. If he doesn't meet your needs, or if you are too far down his priority list for your needs, then you have to make changes to your own life accordingly.
Many of the stickies at the top of the forum may enlighten you to what it means to have an alcoholic in your life.
I believe the other posters are not off course, but they they are giving their many years of wisdom having been down the road with an alcoholic, a road you are new to.
That said, I realize what they are saying is not what you want to hear.
There is a sticky at the top of the forum page that explains how you may help an alcoholic. It will not tell you what you want to hear either, as there are no easy solutions for alcoholism. It is a complex psychological imbalance that for a foundation has unresolved issues often going back into childhood.
The first thing that everyone has to learn when they have an alcoholic in their life is that they are truly powerless to do anything about it. The alcoholic will decide what they will do, and no amount of trying to help, getting angry, or anything else will change their miinds. They alone hold all the power to their recovery. The first thing that must be learned is that we each only have power over our own lives, and you only have power over yours, not his.
It is humbling to learn that you can't save this prince charming from himself or his addiction. He alone has that power. You can't even really help him. You may not like that, but that's the way it is.
Prince charming is doing what he wants to do. You are learning that alcholism is a selfish disease. Recovery is likewise selfish, and for good reason--he has to focus selfishly on himself in order to succeed.
New to this pain we know here, you are feeling the tip of the iceberg when you say that he has now placed you far down his list of priorities. If you are going to be in his life, realize NOW, not later, that you will continue to be down his list of priorities for quite awhile. This is because alcoholism is a selfish disease, and because recovery is necessarily just as selfish.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and making sure that your needs are met. If he doesn't meet your needs, or if you are too far down his priority list for your needs, then you have to make changes to your own life accordingly.
Many of the stickies at the top of the forum may enlighten you to what it means to have an alcoholic in your life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I know how you feel
Well... It would be foolish of me to say "Oh yeah, just wait, time will tell, be faithful, etc.".
But having been through EXACTLY what you're going through... I would say give him space. And what I mean by that is back off from a relationship.
As an alcoholic, he is probably re-learning how to do everything, but sober this time.
It's not as easy as you think.
My Aggie left me in April, and since I've been completely devastated. But I know that it's for the best (and my heart will eventually recognize this): not only for him, but for me. He needs time to readjust his life to sobriety, and I need time to readjust my life to... well, NOT being with an alcoholic.
Take some time, sweetheart, for yourself. Let him deal with his demons, and you deal with yours.
Don't forget!
But having been through EXACTLY what you're going through... I would say give him space. And what I mean by that is back off from a relationship.
As an alcoholic, he is probably re-learning how to do everything, but sober this time.
It's not as easy as you think.
My Aggie left me in April, and since I've been completely devastated. But I know that it's for the best (and my heart will eventually recognize this): not only for him, but for me. He needs time to readjust his life to sobriety, and I need time to readjust my life to... well, NOT being with an alcoholic.
Take some time, sweetheart, for yourself. Let him deal with his demons, and you deal with yours.
Don't forget!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by trckdnbamboozld
I appreciate everyone's input and help. I do feel that these responses are losing hindsight of what I'm asking. I do have my own mind and understand that I can jump in and out at anytime. I do understand that there are easier men out there. Relationships come a dime a dozen but this is what I've chosen and what im asking for is information on the recovery processes and what to expect so that i can adjust what I'm doing that will be condusive to his sobriety as well as my peace of mind. You also can't judge on an individuals time frame as there can be no assumed generalizations with individuals. So if we can focus more on that aspect of coping rather than the It's tough situation you should leave it, I'd very much appreciate it. Thanks to everyone that gave me perspective on how people in recovery act.
If you only knew the years other around are trying to say weeks isn't nothing, try 20 years of that... Might just want to ask yourself if a friend were to come to you tell you this same story, what would you say..
AG
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