New Member needs a hand understanding what to do concerning AW
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
New Member needs a hand understanding what to do concerning AW
Got a conundrum on my hands here. Seems the wife is on some self desructive behavior pattern. I am quite proficient at dealing with the roller coaster of womens hormones. We have been married for 20 years. We have the 2 best girls in the world. They are my world and reason for being. They come first, but not in a spoiled way.
My wife on the other hand is going through menopause and is an alchoholic. Not the fall down puking kind, she likes to drink little ammounts of vodka all day. When she drinks, her intelligence drops considerably, Ok this is hard to describe while trying to be nice about it. Let your imagination run wild with "hormonal menopausal alcoholic" and you will more than likely be there and I wont have to type it. The point is that she has recently turned violent, steps up drunk in my face like a man would and tries to get me to do something violent to her, mostly by being violent herself. I believe so she can call the police and claim battery. She also likes to overdraw the bank account. My hobby for the past 30 years has been Martial Arts so dont worry, I have a tremendous ammount of controll and would NEVER resort to violence against her no matter how she hits me. I love her. Ive taken her best shots and its not a big deal. The problem is that she is doing these things in front of our girls, and its affecting them. I have noticed i get quite angry when she acts this way in front of them and have asked her not to do that. Its like she is progressively trying to make me get mad enough to do something stupid possibly? Scoff! That aint gonna happen. Anyways when she does this, and i can leave, i leave, then she drinks. It sucks when i have to work the next day and need sleep and cant leave because i have to take it. What are my choices? I cant divorce her, she would get the girls and be a bigger alcoholic AND I would not be there to protect them. Ever watch "Intervention" its allways the same story for the girls, parents divorce, mom gets kids and is more interested in men and booze than the kids. Kids fall into bad crowd... etc Ive seen it and I am determined that will not be my girls future. So what do I do? She is a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic going through menopause that i cant divorce because the girls lives will be ruined.
Oh yeah forgot to mention the big thing. I dont like to think about it. Twice now she beat up our 14yo. First time was not good. Last time my girl defended herself. So of course the wife spun it into "she came at me" and got mad at ME for not believing her HA! Both times she then leaves and goes to buy vodka, drinks it and get even more belligerent.
Was thinking of going to an al anon meeting near by tomorrow night. Could someone please explain how me going to a meeting can help, im a little sketchy on how that works. Sure I am stressed, but this is not about me, im tough, this is about the girls, they are not. My future is shot, but theirs isnt as long as i am breathing.
Any other advice on surviving in the twilight zone is highly appreciated!
Oh, and BTW
My wife on the other hand is going through menopause and is an alchoholic. Not the fall down puking kind, she likes to drink little ammounts of vodka all day. When she drinks, her intelligence drops considerably, Ok this is hard to describe while trying to be nice about it. Let your imagination run wild with "hormonal menopausal alcoholic" and you will more than likely be there and I wont have to type it. The point is that she has recently turned violent, steps up drunk in my face like a man would and tries to get me to do something violent to her, mostly by being violent herself. I believe so she can call the police and claim battery. She also likes to overdraw the bank account. My hobby for the past 30 years has been Martial Arts so dont worry, I have a tremendous ammount of controll and would NEVER resort to violence against her no matter how she hits me. I love her. Ive taken her best shots and its not a big deal. The problem is that she is doing these things in front of our girls, and its affecting them. I have noticed i get quite angry when she acts this way in front of them and have asked her not to do that. Its like she is progressively trying to make me get mad enough to do something stupid possibly? Scoff! That aint gonna happen. Anyways when she does this, and i can leave, i leave, then she drinks. It sucks when i have to work the next day and need sleep and cant leave because i have to take it. What are my choices? I cant divorce her, she would get the girls and be a bigger alcoholic AND I would not be there to protect them. Ever watch "Intervention" its allways the same story for the girls, parents divorce, mom gets kids and is more interested in men and booze than the kids. Kids fall into bad crowd... etc Ive seen it and I am determined that will not be my girls future. So what do I do? She is a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic going through menopause that i cant divorce because the girls lives will be ruined.
Oh yeah forgot to mention the big thing. I dont like to think about it. Twice now she beat up our 14yo. First time was not good. Last time my girl defended herself. So of course the wife spun it into "she came at me" and got mad at ME for not believing her HA! Both times she then leaves and goes to buy vodka, drinks it and get even more belligerent.
Was thinking of going to an al anon meeting near by tomorrow night. Could someone please explain how me going to a meeting can help, im a little sketchy on how that works. Sure I am stressed, but this is not about me, im tough, this is about the girls, they are not. My future is shot, but theirs isnt as long as i am breathing.
Any other advice on surviving in the twilight zone is highly appreciated!
Oh, and BTW
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
More info here, After the first time she beat up my daugher she agreed to go to AA, went to one meeting, said she wasnt like those drinkers and never went back. I am REALLY not looking foreward to he going through another rock bottom incident to get her back to AA. Truth is she LOVES alcohol, and it takes her completely embarrasing herself or doing something so stupid it motivates her to quit.
So much unneeded stress and anxiety. She has let me down so greatly half of me wants her gone even if I have to become mr mom.
And of course I am the reason for ALL of her problems and the girls have to hear it each day. She doesnt work, says I keep her from that LOL Our house is paid for, cars are paid for, I have a decent job. SORRY BUT I DONT GET IT!
So much unneeded stress and anxiety. She has let me down so greatly half of me wants her gone even if I have to become mr mom.
And of course I am the reason for ALL of her problems and the girls have to hear it each day. She doesnt work, says I keep her from that LOL Our house is paid for, cars are paid for, I have a decent job. SORRY BUT I DONT GET IT!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
How about if you all went to meetings? get the girls into alateen-children of alcoholics meetings and you go to alanon for adults. You all will benefit, and the alcoholic wife might just realize that she is outnumbered, and the 3 of you wlll have outlets for your frustrations and a place to relate to others and how they improve their lives in these situations.
alanon is for the 3 of you, and what goes on at those meetings are none of her business. You need not share with her, nor should the girls. If she asks, tell her to try her own AA meeting, especially if she gets nasty and belligerant that the 3 of you are getting help.
alanon is for the 3 of you, and what goes on at those meetings are none of her business. You need not share with her, nor should the girls. If she asks, tell her to try her own AA meeting, especially if she gets nasty and belligerant that the 3 of you are getting help.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us. This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
I had to give the addiction and all it's consequences to the adult with the problem ~ HIM. That gave me time to focus on my needs and the needs of my children.
I recommend you speak with a family lawyers (first consultations are usually free) and find out what your rights are as a father and husband with an alcoholic partner. I was able to make better decisions when I understood what my rights were. It helped to rule out misconceptions I might have about divorcing an alcoholic.
I will pass on the advice that was given to me when I tried Al anon:
Try at least 6 different meetings to see if Al anon is right for you. I tried two different meetings in my area, and by the 4th visit ~ I knew I was in the right place for me at that time in my life.
We have older permanent posts at the top of this forum's main page. They are referred to as the stickies and here is one of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us. This is a wonderful resource of information and support.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
I had to give the addiction and all it's consequences to the adult with the problem ~ HIM. That gave me time to focus on my needs and the needs of my children.
I recommend you speak with a family lawyers (first consultations are usually free) and find out what your rights are as a father and husband with an alcoholic partner. I was able to make better decisions when I understood what my rights were. It helped to rule out misconceptions I might have about divorcing an alcoholic.
I will pass on the advice that was given to me when I tried Al anon:
Try at least 6 different meetings to see if Al anon is right for you. I tried two different meetings in my area, and by the 4th visit ~ I knew I was in the right place for me at that time in my life.
We have older permanent posts at the top of this forum's main page. They are referred to as the stickies and here is one of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
4my2girls, Welcome!
I know what u are going through, it's awful.
Al-Anon is the place for you. The meeting focuses on the family member affected by another's alcoholism/addiction (A). The formats vary but most have either someone lead the meeting or do readings from devotionals (or both) followed by each person who wishes to talk sharing that person's experience, strength and hope on what was covered. One goes in there expecting answers to one's questions or specific advice, but that's not how it goes. Normally, there is no crosstalk which means that people don't ask questions of others, interrupt them, pick at what someone said or carry on a conversation. It is more like everyone gets a turn to speak on the topic unless they don't want to, which is ok. If you go to at least six meetings (try different groups), you will NEVER regret having stepped into those rooms. They are the way out. It is something preferably to be experienced, rather than explained to you.
Get a schedule of Al-Anon and Alateen meetings there, pick up as much free material of interest, get a paperback copy of How Al-Anon Works ($5 or so), pick up a devotional or two, and Alateen stuff. That's your First Aid kit.
As for her getting the children, don't be so sure! MN is a pretty progressive state and is home to Hazelden and a slew of A related organizations in Minneapolis. Talk to family lawyers. Get your free consultations (as many as are useful & as you can take!).
Keep posting & reading. Let us know how the Al-Anon experience was for you (while preserving the anonymity of members etc). I'll be checking in!
I know what u are going through, it's awful.
Al-Anon is the place for you. The meeting focuses on the family member affected by another's alcoholism/addiction (A). The formats vary but most have either someone lead the meeting or do readings from devotionals (or both) followed by each person who wishes to talk sharing that person's experience, strength and hope on what was covered. One goes in there expecting answers to one's questions or specific advice, but that's not how it goes. Normally, there is no crosstalk which means that people don't ask questions of others, interrupt them, pick at what someone said or carry on a conversation. It is more like everyone gets a turn to speak on the topic unless they don't want to, which is ok. If you go to at least six meetings (try different groups), you will NEVER regret having stepped into those rooms. They are the way out. It is something preferably to be experienced, rather than explained to you.
Get a schedule of Al-Anon and Alateen meetings there, pick up as much free material of interest, get a paperback copy of How Al-Anon Works ($5 or so), pick up a devotional or two, and Alateen stuff. That's your First Aid kit.
As for her getting the children, don't be so sure! MN is a pretty progressive state and is home to Hazelden and a slew of A related organizations in Minneapolis. Talk to family lawyers. Get your free consultations (as many as are useful & as you can take!).
Keep posting & reading. Let us know how the Al-Anon experience was for you (while preserving the anonymity of members etc). I'll be checking in!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
JMHO, but....... perhaps her disease is progressing.
Women have been experiencing menopause since the beginning of time, (myself presently included) it doesn't excuse her unacceptable behavior.
She is now physically violent to your girls, ( I have raised 3 girls) and I understand the the challenges of raising teenagers. But again, her actions are unacceptable, and as the sober responsible parent, your obligation is the health and safety of the kids. To say that if you divorce the "kids lives will be ruined" I believe just the opposite.
If it were me, I would start documenting her abusive actions, and that includes filing police reports. The one thing I do know about teenage girls is they like to talk. There is a good chance she will share this info with a friend, and the friend will encourage her to call CPS, and before you know it, they are going to be paying your home a visit. I see you have two choices, you can either be part of the problem or be part of the solution (and that's how CPS will view it). Time to get proactive. I would be consulting an attorney, even if it's an FYI session. Please know I am saying this without malice, and I truly believe you and your kids deserve to live a life free of addiction.
Please continue to post, we are here for you.
You, my friend, are not alone.
Women have been experiencing menopause since the beginning of time, (myself presently included) it doesn't excuse her unacceptable behavior.
She is now physically violent to your girls, ( I have raised 3 girls) and I understand the the challenges of raising teenagers. But again, her actions are unacceptable, and as the sober responsible parent, your obligation is the health and safety of the kids. To say that if you divorce the "kids lives will be ruined" I believe just the opposite.
If it were me, I would start documenting her abusive actions, and that includes filing police reports. The one thing I do know about teenage girls is they like to talk. There is a good chance she will share this info with a friend, and the friend will encourage her to call CPS, and before you know it, they are going to be paying your home a visit. I see you have two choices, you can either be part of the problem or be part of the solution (and that's how CPS will view it). Time to get proactive. I would be consulting an attorney, even if it's an FYI session. Please know I am saying this without malice, and I truly believe you and your kids deserve to live a life free of addiction.
Please continue to post, we are here for you.
You, my friend, are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome!!
I concur with the other posts - please consider alanon for you and alateen for the girls. Alcoholism is a disease the touches the entire family. Everyone needs help and support to recover.
I developed the most dangerous habits from living with my XAH. I became numb to the dangers around me - and lost my ability to set boundaries. Because of that my children were subjected to some very unacceptable actions/behaviors.
Please keep coming back... You are not alone anymore
Edited to add... Please consider the impact of NOT reporting your wife's abuse of the children. I had to report my XAH to CPS (we were still married at the time)... It sucked... But it was the right thing to do for my kids. My job as their mom and sober parent is to protect them... Even if the danger is their own father.
I concur with the other posts - please consider alanon for you and alateen for the girls. Alcoholism is a disease the touches the entire family. Everyone needs help and support to recover.
I developed the most dangerous habits from living with my XAH. I became numb to the dangers around me - and lost my ability to set boundaries. Because of that my children were subjected to some very unacceptable actions/behaviors.
Please keep coming back... You are not alone anymore
Edited to add... Please consider the impact of NOT reporting your wife's abuse of the children. I had to report my XAH to CPS (we were still married at the time)... It sucked... But it was the right thing to do for my kids. My job as their mom and sober parent is to protect them... Even if the danger is their own father.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
Wow fast replies and sound advice, thank you very much.
Yes I will try Al anon. It could be an eye opener for her to know the girls are going to it without rubbing it in her face. I do sense risking her wrath with a move like that. I have found I usually get the opposite reaction that I thought would happen from her. Whatever i do or say usually makes it worse.
Also, the beatings my 14yo recieved hurt her more emotionally than physically. Girl fights usually consist ot slapping, scratching and hair pulling. Tried to take pictures but there wasnt anything that came out good but the fat lip.
I have heard on the radio an advertisement for a natural vitamin type pill for menopausal problems, i think its called Amberin or something like that. Wondering if i tried to fix the hormones maybe it could help her not "lose it" like she does. Like i said i want to do whatever i can to keep the family together for the girls futures sake. But lately i wonder how bright theirs will be having to whitness the freak show. Breaks my heart.
My 14yo has a special gift to play the flute. She attends Interlochen and is principal flutist for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra for her age group and I am VERY proud of her. My 7yo is my angel and my buddy, we pal around in the woods looking for frogs and bugs and the like. She tells me at least 20 times a day she loves me.
Thanks again friends, i will give al anon a try. first myself. then the girls
Yes I will try Al anon. It could be an eye opener for her to know the girls are going to it without rubbing it in her face. I do sense risking her wrath with a move like that. I have found I usually get the opposite reaction that I thought would happen from her. Whatever i do or say usually makes it worse.
Also, the beatings my 14yo recieved hurt her more emotionally than physically. Girl fights usually consist ot slapping, scratching and hair pulling. Tried to take pictures but there wasnt anything that came out good but the fat lip.
I have heard on the radio an advertisement for a natural vitamin type pill for menopausal problems, i think its called Amberin or something like that. Wondering if i tried to fix the hormones maybe it could help her not "lose it" like she does. Like i said i want to do whatever i can to keep the family together for the girls futures sake. But lately i wonder how bright theirs will be having to whitness the freak show. Breaks my heart.
My 14yo has a special gift to play the flute. She attends Interlochen and is principal flutist for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra for her age group and I am VERY proud of her. My 7yo is my angel and my buddy, we pal around in the woods looking for frogs and bugs and the like. She tells me at least 20 times a day she loves me.
Thanks again friends, i will give al anon a try. first myself. then the girls
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
A very honest question, if a woman came on and said her alcoholic husband was hitting her and had beat up their 14 year old daughter twice. . . I think everyone might say - get out and get out now. Right?
Wouldn't the same advice apply? Slapping, scratching and hair pulling is a physical attack. A parent can never under any circumstances allow a child to be attacked by another parent.
Most women go through menopause without ever beating up anyone. Unacceptable, period.
Wouldn't the same advice apply? Slapping, scratching and hair pulling is a physical attack. A parent can never under any circumstances allow a child to be attacked by another parent.
Most women go through menopause without ever beating up anyone. Unacceptable, period.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
I have to comment that calling the police and or cps is a non option in this situation. Someway somehow the guy ALLWAYS goes to jail around here, no matter what. And CPS? seriously thanks, but a big no-thanks on that idea. Then you have just invited the government into your home. Not a good thing to do especially under the current administration. There is no knowing what is going to jump out of that box. There is nothing either of them can do but cause us more problems that is for sure.
If I wanted to divorce her maybe, but i would rather try to help her than destroy it all. We both come from divorced families and i refuse to have my girls have to deal with fake moms and dads at every special event like I did.
The truth is that whatever problems this family is having will only be COMPOUNDED by bringing the State into it.
If I wanted to divorce her maybe, but i would rather try to help her than destroy it all. We both come from divorced families and i refuse to have my girls have to deal with fake moms and dads at every special event like I did.
The truth is that whatever problems this family is having will only be COMPOUNDED by bringing the State into it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
[QUOTE=4my2girls;3571058]
Oh yeah forgot to mention the big thing. I dont like to think about it. Twice now she beat up our 14yo. First time was not good. Last time my girl defended herself. So of course the wife spun it into "she came at me" and got mad at ME for not believing her HA! Both times she then leaves and goes to buy vodka, drinks it and get even more belligerent.
How can it be that there lives would be runied if you divorced when this is happening?
It is horrendous and shocking that she has done this.
Have you visited the children of addicts and alcoholics section of the forum here and read about the damage done to childrn who have this sort of behaviour in their lives?
Please keep documenting what she does. Take photographic evidence and time and date it and keep notes. However the hurt and pain is probably etched onto your daughters mind and she will provide the details for yoears to come.
I wish you the best xxxx
Oh yeah forgot to mention the big thing. I dont like to think about it. Twice now she beat up our 14yo. First time was not good. Last time my girl defended herself. So of course the wife spun it into "she came at me" and got mad at ME for not believing her HA! Both times she then leaves and goes to buy vodka, drinks it and get even more belligerent.
How can it be that there lives would be runied if you divorced when this is happening?
It is horrendous and shocking that she has done this.
Have you visited the children of addicts and alcoholics section of the forum here and read about the damage done to childrn who have this sort of behaviour in their lives?
Please keep documenting what she does. Take photographic evidence and time and date it and keep notes. However the hurt and pain is probably etched onto your daughters mind and she will provide the details for yoears to come.
I wish you the best xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by WishingWell 
A very honest question, if a woman came on and said her alcoholic husband was hitting her and had beat up their 14 year old daughter twice. . . I think everyone might say - get out and get out now. Right?
Wouldn't the same advice apply? Slapping, scratching and hair pulling is a physical attack. A parent can never under any circumstances allow a child to be attacked by another parent.
Most women go through menopause without ever beating up anyone. Unacceptable, period.
Wouldn't the same advice apply? Slapping, scratching and hair pulling is a physical attack. A parent can never under any circumstances allow a child to be attacked by another parent.
Most women go through menopause without ever beating up anyone. Unacceptable, period.
The PROBLEM is that the courts are so RIGGED in a womans favor in a divorce that I would have to PROVE her an unfit mother or drug abuser for me to divorce her and retain custody of the girls and alcohol is currently legal. I currently have a freind that his wife totalled a car in a head on, while drinking, and on zanex, with the kids in the car. Luckily no one was hurt, she went on tho have an affair with the boys hockey coach, divorced my friend, he pays her child support, oh but he got to keep the house.
The way it is currently set up in liberal michigan the woman has the power to get the kids in all circumstances. They dont care what is right here as long as the woman retains her life and current lifestyle. Me leaving with the kids and she can call the police and put out an amber alert for us then easily divorce me and take the girls and the house.
Police? CPS? Me leaving with the kids? Cmon peeps thats all a setup for me loosing the girls and the family. There is one solution I believe, and that is find a woman that did what my wife is going through and get her advice. That and go to Al Anon me thinks.
Dont worry about the girls concerning future freak out sessions from the wife. I will protect them. The question is how to fix an out of controll female so we can get back to living normal lives without destroying everything in the process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Holly, MI
Posts: 7
"How can it be that there lives would be runied if you divorced when this is happening?"
Because she would get the girls and go on to be an even bigger alcoholic and then get a new drinking fake dad for them. That Solves NOTHING
Are you so out of touch with how rigged the court system is against men? cmon
Again, the solution is how to get a menopausal AW to pull her head out of her Arse and start acting like an adult?
I guess im grasping at straws because thats never going to happen lol
Cought between a rock and a hard place for sure. but thanks for the good intentions anyways...
Because she would get the girls and go on to be an even bigger alcoholic and then get a new drinking fake dad for them. That Solves NOTHING
Are you so out of touch with how rigged the court system is against men? cmon
Again, the solution is how to get a menopausal AW to pull her head out of her Arse and start acting like an adult?
I guess im grasping at straws because thats never going to happen lol
Cought between a rock and a hard place for sure. but thanks for the good intentions anyways...
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by 4my2girls
"How can it be that there lives would be runied if you divorced when this is happening?"
Because she would get the girls and go on to be an even bigger alcoholic and then get a new drinking fake dad for them. That Solves NOTHING
Are you so out of touch with how rigged the court system is against men? cmon
Again, the solution is how to get a menopausal AW to pull her head out of her Arse and start acting like an adult?
I guess im grasping at straws because thats never going to happen lol
Cought between a rock and a hard place for sure. but thanks for the good intentions anyways...
Because she would get the girls and go on to be an even bigger alcoholic and then get a new drinking fake dad for them. That Solves NOTHING
Are you so out of touch with how rigged the court system is against men? cmon
Again, the solution is how to get a menopausal AW to pull her head out of her Arse and start acting like an adult?
I guess im grasping at straws because thats never going to happen lol
Cought between a rock and a hard place for sure. but thanks for the good intentions anyways...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Get videos of her violent episodes. These will turn the tables in court.
And I agree with NWGRITS, you cannot fix her. I;d get the video evidence - please talk to a lawyer first as this is not always admissible in court - then when you have the irrefutable video evidence take your girls and leave.
And I agree with NWGRITS, you cannot fix her. I;d get the video evidence - please talk to a lawyer first as this is not always admissible in court - then when you have the irrefutable video evidence take your girls and leave.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
It really sounds like you're content to stay in your current disastrous situation, and all you want to do is "fix a hormonal woman." It makes me wonder what's happened to you to make you hate women so much. All of you need the help, sooner rather than later.
You don't have ESP, do you? So you have no way of knowing what will and what won't happen in the future.
It's obvious you don't want the life you are living now in the future.
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