It blew me away!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Cape Girardeau, MO
Posts: 7
It blew me away!
I never talk to people about my life. I feel like I need to tell my story.
I didn’t know he drank for the first year. Then I thought he drank occasionally. After we got married I saw it was a problem. It got worse and worse and worse. He lost his job. We lost our house. In and out of rehab. Six, seven times. Years of broken promises. Lies. I couldn’t take anymore. No more stumbling around the house swearing he hadn’t been drinking. No more ruined holidays. No more humiliation for me and the kids.
I decided to leave him. Being alone couldn’t possibly be worse than living like this. He begged for one more chance. I told him if he’d go to Teen Challenge I’d stay and raise his two boys along with my two girls. He left the program after 6 mo. He was convinced he’d learned what he needed to stay clean. Drinking a week later. After 5 mo. I was leaving or he was. He went back to TC in residential for 12 months and graduated a year ago last November.
Truly a different man, we started our lives all over 14 months ago. It was a new life. I didn’t know this new man. It was strange when he came home. I had become used to living alone in the year he’d been gone. But it was great. Later the newness wore off. We had our share of fights, but everyone does. All in all things were good. He was home one whole year and been clean the whole time. This gave him 2 years sober.
The day after Thanksgiving 2003 I came home and he’d been drinking. I knew he had, but I finally convinced myself that I had to be wrong. On January 2, 2004, I came home and found him drunk. I couldn’t pretend this time. He tried to lie to me (why does it hurt so much when they lie?) Finally he admitted it. I was devastated. He says it was his wake-up call. Doesn’t want to go back there again. He’s learned his lesson, won’t do it anymore.
I see myself as a strong person. Everyone’s always said that about me. My mother died when I was 10. My 3-year-old brother had mental retardation. I became the strong one. My dad loved me, but he never got over losing my mom. He died when I was 25. One bad marriage, a wonderful baby girl and I took my brother to live with me. I re-married and had another baby girl. After 10 years of marriage I was devastated to learn of the abuse my husband had inflicted two of the people I loved the most in the world. We divorced. I put myself through college as a single mother working full-time and raising two girls and my disabled brother.
I’m strong, right? An overcomer! Why did it BLOW ME AWAY when I found out that he drank again?
For one whole week after Jan. 2 I was literally sick! Irritable bowel flared up for the first time in years (I’m miserable when that happens!) Couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day. Moping around. Couldn’t smile. Didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Just leave me alone. Didn’t even work two days (I hate to miss work). (This is the point where I found this web site.)
I have had to start over so many times. Always felt I could whenever necessary. Why now do I hate the thought of that? I don’t want to start all over! I just bought a house. I hate the thought that I might have to move into an apt. I don’t want to leave the son I adopted and have raised since he was 6. I don’t want to find a home for my German Shepherd. I don’t want it to be just me and my teenage daughter.
Alcohol is the strongest enemy I have ever known. It wants to steal the life from my family. It will not stop until it has destroyed everything. It almost succeeded several times before. I thought it was a conquered foe. I fear that it will be successful.
Yes, I will survive. I am a survivor. I will learn to be content no matter what happens with him and his choices. It is such a long, hard road and I hate knowing that I may lose everything that is important to me – to my old arch enemy – the bottle.
I didn’t know he drank for the first year. Then I thought he drank occasionally. After we got married I saw it was a problem. It got worse and worse and worse. He lost his job. We lost our house. In and out of rehab. Six, seven times. Years of broken promises. Lies. I couldn’t take anymore. No more stumbling around the house swearing he hadn’t been drinking. No more ruined holidays. No more humiliation for me and the kids.
I decided to leave him. Being alone couldn’t possibly be worse than living like this. He begged for one more chance. I told him if he’d go to Teen Challenge I’d stay and raise his two boys along with my two girls. He left the program after 6 mo. He was convinced he’d learned what he needed to stay clean. Drinking a week later. After 5 mo. I was leaving or he was. He went back to TC in residential for 12 months and graduated a year ago last November.
Truly a different man, we started our lives all over 14 months ago. It was a new life. I didn’t know this new man. It was strange when he came home. I had become used to living alone in the year he’d been gone. But it was great. Later the newness wore off. We had our share of fights, but everyone does. All in all things were good. He was home one whole year and been clean the whole time. This gave him 2 years sober.
The day after Thanksgiving 2003 I came home and he’d been drinking. I knew he had, but I finally convinced myself that I had to be wrong. On January 2, 2004, I came home and found him drunk. I couldn’t pretend this time. He tried to lie to me (why does it hurt so much when they lie?) Finally he admitted it. I was devastated. He says it was his wake-up call. Doesn’t want to go back there again. He’s learned his lesson, won’t do it anymore.
I see myself as a strong person. Everyone’s always said that about me. My mother died when I was 10. My 3-year-old brother had mental retardation. I became the strong one. My dad loved me, but he never got over losing my mom. He died when I was 25. One bad marriage, a wonderful baby girl and I took my brother to live with me. I re-married and had another baby girl. After 10 years of marriage I was devastated to learn of the abuse my husband had inflicted two of the people I loved the most in the world. We divorced. I put myself through college as a single mother working full-time and raising two girls and my disabled brother.
I’m strong, right? An overcomer! Why did it BLOW ME AWAY when I found out that he drank again?
For one whole week after Jan. 2 I was literally sick! Irritable bowel flared up for the first time in years (I’m miserable when that happens!) Couldn’t find the energy to do anything. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day. Moping around. Couldn’t smile. Didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Just leave me alone. Didn’t even work two days (I hate to miss work). (This is the point where I found this web site.)
I have had to start over so many times. Always felt I could whenever necessary. Why now do I hate the thought of that? I don’t want to start all over! I just bought a house. I hate the thought that I might have to move into an apt. I don’t want to leave the son I adopted and have raised since he was 6. I don’t want to find a home for my German Shepherd. I don’t want it to be just me and my teenage daughter.
Alcohol is the strongest enemy I have ever known. It wants to steal the life from my family. It will not stop until it has destroyed everything. It almost succeeded several times before. I thought it was a conquered foe. I fear that it will be successful.
Yes, I will survive. I am a survivor. I will learn to be content no matter what happens with him and his choices. It is such a long, hard road and I hate knowing that I may lose everything that is important to me – to my old arch enemy – the bottle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello annd and welcome!!!
First of all I want to give you a BIG HUG ****{annd}}}!
You have been through a great deal.....more than many. But you are a strong woman. And yes, you will survive! I am so glad that you found this site. Alot of support is here for you. With your strength and the support of all the great people here you will conquer whatever comes your way. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that takes our loved ones from us. I hate it!!!! Let go,and Let God! Together we heal..... one day at a time!
many prayers to you and your family,
matters
First of all I want to give you a BIG HUG ****{annd}}}!
You have been through a great deal.....more than many. But you are a strong woman. And yes, you will survive! I am so glad that you found this site. Alot of support is here for you. With your strength and the support of all the great people here you will conquer whatever comes your way. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that takes our loved ones from us. I hate it!!!! Let go,and Let God! Together we heal..... one day at a time!
many prayers to you and your family,
matters
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
hi annd
you seem like a pretty tough lady who have maintained her independence and strength.
why do you have to start again, just kick him out.
sorry to sound harsh but what is he contributing, you havent said anything in your statement about loving him or even having a postive relationship with him. he sounds like a disruptive boarder, and i dont mean to be rude.
but hey you are doing all the work, he did some for a while but he has the choice, to be well around you or leave. you dont HAVE to make it your problem.
take care and it is ok to fall in a heap sometimes, that is the only way we have a base to start from!!!
cheers
kath
you seem like a pretty tough lady who have maintained her independence and strength.
why do you have to start again, just kick him out.
sorry to sound harsh but what is he contributing, you havent said anything in your statement about loving him or even having a postive relationship with him. he sounds like a disruptive boarder, and i dont mean to be rude.
but hey you are doing all the work, he did some for a while but he has the choice, to be well around you or leave. you dont HAVE to make it your problem.
take care and it is ok to fall in a heap sometimes, that is the only way we have a base to start from!!!
cheers
kath
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Annd!!
WELCOME....you're at the right place. I hate that things have taken a direction that you are unhappy with.
I know that feeling you were talking about....the being lied to. I describe it as being underminded......almost as if they think we aren't intelligent.....we're too dumb to know the truth.....it makes me VERY ANGRY to be taken advantage of... especially someone that is supposed to be you're partner.....someone you're supposed to be "safe" with. In the outside we have come to expect to be let down and lied to....but a marriage we expect it to be a place where we can let our hair down and not look out for danger.....or be knocked down by deceit. Fortunately for us there is al-anon and we can learn to trust ourselves and what we think and feel.
(((((((((((Annd)))))))))))))))) You are a very strong woman and I have no doubt that you will survive. I am glad that you found us here so we can find serenity together.
Constant
WELCOME....you're at the right place. I hate that things have taken a direction that you are unhappy with.
I know that feeling you were talking about....the being lied to. I describe it as being underminded......almost as if they think we aren't intelligent.....we're too dumb to know the truth.....it makes me VERY ANGRY to be taken advantage of... especially someone that is supposed to be you're partner.....someone you're supposed to be "safe" with. In the outside we have come to expect to be let down and lied to....but a marriage we expect it to be a place where we can let our hair down and not look out for danger.....or be knocked down by deceit. Fortunately for us there is al-anon and we can learn to trust ourselves and what we think and feel.
(((((((((((Annd)))))))))))))))) You are a very strong woman and I have no doubt that you will survive. I am glad that you found us here so we can find serenity together.
Constant
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi,
If it's your house why doesn't he leave and you stay? why do you have to start over?
It is easier to live alone an dwork on ourselves than to live the unstable life of being with an active A. If you are financially independent why not? What does he contribute? Somestimes we are active A's dreams because our illness has us doing all the work and them nothing.
Ngaire
If it's your house why doesn't he leave and you stay? why do you have to start over?
It is easier to live alone an dwork on ourselves than to live the unstable life of being with an active A. If you are financially independent why not? What does he contribute? Somestimes we are active A's dreams because our illness has us doing all the work and them nothing.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Cape Girardeau, MO
Posts: 7
I appreciate all the encouragement and the responses!
I would stay and keep the house, but I can't afford it with only MY income. The house payment is half of my monthly income. The only way I can stay is if I have HIS income, too. If I kicked him out, which I would have no problem doing, I will lose my house anyway because I can't keep up the payments.
He gives me his whole check minus a few dollars for himself.
Our relationship is a good one, except for the alcohol. He is a very loving and compassionate man. It is obvious to me that he loves me. We have our share of problems and we don't agree about issues with our kids (mainly) and occasionally other things, but I would say he is one of the most caring men I've ever known. He is also very affectionate. Believe me, if he wasn't good to me I would not stay with him. Even though he IS good to me, I WON'T stay with him if he continues to drink. Despite all the wonderful things, I WILL NOT go back to that life.
If he treated me bad I don't think I would have spent a week grieving because of the prospect of leaving that life behind!
Today when I was thinking about it I realized that I need to feel like I will survive and the fact that it hurt so bad when he drank again scares me.
I would stay and keep the house, but I can't afford it with only MY income. The house payment is half of my monthly income. The only way I can stay is if I have HIS income, too. If I kicked him out, which I would have no problem doing, I will lose my house anyway because I can't keep up the payments.
He gives me his whole check minus a few dollars for himself.
Our relationship is a good one, except for the alcohol. He is a very loving and compassionate man. It is obvious to me that he loves me. We have our share of problems and we don't agree about issues with our kids (mainly) and occasionally other things, but I would say he is one of the most caring men I've ever known. He is also very affectionate. Believe me, if he wasn't good to me I would not stay with him. Even though he IS good to me, I WON'T stay with him if he continues to drink. Despite all the wonderful things, I WILL NOT go back to that life.
If he treated me bad I don't think I would have spent a week grieving because of the prospect of leaving that life behind!
Today when I was thinking about it I realized that I need to feel like I will survive and the fact that it hurt so bad when he drank again scares me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Hi Annd
Wow. Yeah, you're strong all right. And you will survive.
I don't know if this will help, but I like to sometimes think about what the most important things in my life are; kind of like a list of priorities working from the most important ones at the top downwards. Then I plan my life around that list. Like this issue with your house...what's more important to you; keeping the house or putting up with his drinking/lies? Sometimes the simple things can guide a person quite well.
Good luck and welcome to this forum. You're in a good place.
HugZ
Sandra
Wow. Yeah, you're strong all right. And you will survive.
I don't know if this will help, but I like to sometimes think about what the most important things in my life are; kind of like a list of priorities working from the most important ones at the top downwards. Then I plan my life around that list. Like this issue with your house...what's more important to you; keeping the house or putting up with his drinking/lies? Sometimes the simple things can guide a person quite well.
Good luck and welcome to this forum. You're in a good place.
HugZ
Sandra
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