Nervous and new
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Nervous and new
Hi all-
I'm extremely hesitant to post here, and I'm not sure why, but I don't really have many people to talk to in "real life" about this kind of stuff, so I feel I should at least try to find a place in a community where I can have some kind of support.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. It's crazy how difficult that is to even type. When we got together, he was actively drinking after a period of over four years of sobriety, which included regular AA meetings and therapy.
I foolishly wasn't very sensitive to what was going on, and so I just continued drinking as I would normally with this person who clearly could not drink normally. There were times when I noticed things that gave me pause - like, I would wake up, and a bottle of wine that I remembered being half full the night before would be totally gone.
At some point, I confronted him about it, but he wasn't very receptive (duh) to what I was saying. It wasn't until a complete disaster night in early June that he decided to stop drinking again.
It was only when he stopped drinking that I realized how much his drinking had stressed me out and hurt me. Having that weight lifted off my shoulders has been amazing. That being said, it's definitely been a struggle on some level. He's relapsed once, which was very difficult for me. I felt incredibly betrayed (even though I know it isn't about me). My bottom line is that I will not be with him if he is actively drinking. We've struggled with navigating social situations. I hardly drink anymore, and I certainly don't keep alcohol in the house, and frankly, I don't miss it one bit. I do, however, enjoy having a glass of wine at dinner now and then, or going out and having a beer. Perhaps I shouldn't be drinking in front of him at all. Even if I'm not planning to drink, though, being in social situations where many other people are drinking is stressful to him - this makes pretty much every social event to which we're invited somewhat difficult. I'm certainly not asking him to go hang out at any bars, but I like going to our friends' weddings, bbqs, etc.
He's also not currently seeking any treatment, which I KNOW is problematic. He keeps telling me he's going to go to meetings, but it never happens.
I do not believe that he is actively drinking, but I do believe that he could be doing more to progress in his recovery, if that makes sense.
I'm also struggling, as we all do, with setting boundaries. I will not be with him if he's actively drinking. That's a given. He also very much wants to move in together, and I do too, but I want him to be further along in his recovery before we do so. He knows both of these things, but I'm afraid he sees them as ultimatums, which I don't - I just see them as boundaries? Maybe I'm not expressing them properly.
Long story short - I feel pretty lost in this situation because I've never dealt with it before. I know there are no right or wrong answers here, but I'm always afraid that what I'm doing is totally misguided or unhelpful to both of us. I suppose that's typical, right?
Anyway, hello all!
I'm extremely hesitant to post here, and I'm not sure why, but I don't really have many people to talk to in "real life" about this kind of stuff, so I feel I should at least try to find a place in a community where I can have some kind of support.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. It's crazy how difficult that is to even type. When we got together, he was actively drinking after a period of over four years of sobriety, which included regular AA meetings and therapy.
I foolishly wasn't very sensitive to what was going on, and so I just continued drinking as I would normally with this person who clearly could not drink normally. There were times when I noticed things that gave me pause - like, I would wake up, and a bottle of wine that I remembered being half full the night before would be totally gone.
At some point, I confronted him about it, but he wasn't very receptive (duh) to what I was saying. It wasn't until a complete disaster night in early June that he decided to stop drinking again.
It was only when he stopped drinking that I realized how much his drinking had stressed me out and hurt me. Having that weight lifted off my shoulders has been amazing. That being said, it's definitely been a struggle on some level. He's relapsed once, which was very difficult for me. I felt incredibly betrayed (even though I know it isn't about me). My bottom line is that I will not be with him if he is actively drinking. We've struggled with navigating social situations. I hardly drink anymore, and I certainly don't keep alcohol in the house, and frankly, I don't miss it one bit. I do, however, enjoy having a glass of wine at dinner now and then, or going out and having a beer. Perhaps I shouldn't be drinking in front of him at all. Even if I'm not planning to drink, though, being in social situations where many other people are drinking is stressful to him - this makes pretty much every social event to which we're invited somewhat difficult. I'm certainly not asking him to go hang out at any bars, but I like going to our friends' weddings, bbqs, etc.
He's also not currently seeking any treatment, which I KNOW is problematic. He keeps telling me he's going to go to meetings, but it never happens.
I do not believe that he is actively drinking, but I do believe that he could be doing more to progress in his recovery, if that makes sense.
I'm also struggling, as we all do, with setting boundaries. I will not be with him if he's actively drinking. That's a given. He also very much wants to move in together, and I do too, but I want him to be further along in his recovery before we do so. He knows both of these things, but I'm afraid he sees them as ultimatums, which I don't - I just see them as boundaries? Maybe I'm not expressing them properly.
Long story short - I feel pretty lost in this situation because I've never dealt with it before. I know there are no right or wrong answers here, but I'm always afraid that what I'm doing is totally misguided or unhelpful to both of us. I suppose that's typical, right?
Anyway, hello all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi!!!! Welcome, so glad you found us.
I think it is so wise that you have decided not to move in with you abf. I never moved in with mine either, and I have to say, I am so glad that never happened because the whole damn thing fell apart because of his drinking , I saved myself a lot of misery by continuing to maintain my own sanctuary.
It's not an ultimatum, it's a life choice, you get to make that choice and you get to stick by it.
Please read around the forum, and get educated about alcoholism and co dependency. It will be very helpful for you going forward.
It really would be kind of insane to move in with alcoholic, in recovery who is not working a program, it kind of shows that he is less than serious about remaining sober over the long term, hey I could be wrong, but odds are that I'm not.
I'm sure many more will be along to welcome you and offer you support and wisdom. Thanks so much for sharing you story, looking forward to hearing much more from you.
Katie xo
I think it is so wise that you have decided not to move in with you abf. I never moved in with mine either, and I have to say, I am so glad that never happened because the whole damn thing fell apart because of his drinking , I saved myself a lot of misery by continuing to maintain my own sanctuary.
It's not an ultimatum, it's a life choice, you get to make that choice and you get to stick by it.
Please read around the forum, and get educated about alcoholism and co dependency. It will be very helpful for you going forward.
It really would be kind of insane to move in with alcoholic, in recovery who is not working a program, it kind of shows that he is less than serious about remaining sober over the long term, hey I could be wrong, but odds are that I'm not.
I'm sure many more will be along to welcome you and offer you support and wisdom. Thanks so much for sharing you story, looking forward to hearing much more from you.
Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Glad you found us, but sorry you had reason to!
I remember how hard it was to even think those words out loud. "My husband is an alcoholic." For me, it was difficult because admitting it changed my reality. I could no longer believe the pretty picture we had painted for outside onlookers where we were a successful middle-class couple with a house and two cars and well-maintained children and lawn who were luckier than most. (Us, not the children and the lawn.)
I also think saying it out loud made me feel like I had to act on it, somehow. I very reluctantly went to Al-Anon (because after all, he was the one with the problem, and the only thing he was doing about it was DRINK, so why should I have to go to a support group???). This morning, I was actually thinking about that feeling of walking into an Al-Anon meeting and just relaxing, feeling that, for once, I didn't have to hold up a facade; I could talk freely about exactly how difficult my life had become.
It didn't start out like that, though. Walking into my first meeting was as difficult as saying "my husband is an alcoholic" to myself. I wasn't sure what to expect; I wasn't sure if I'd run into someone I knew; I was afraid to do something wrong... So the first few meetings, I basically listened and cried. Which was totally OK. Just hearing other people's stories was healing. I realized I wasn't alone. That there were other intelligent people who were married to alcoholics. That it didn't make me stupid.
Mostly, though, I appreciated being with other people who didn't tell me what to do. They just told me what they had done -- the good stuff that made their life better, and the bad stuff that really didn't work.
There were young people, old people, middle-aged people. There were wives and husbands, parents and grandparents, children of alcoholics. There were gays in alcoholic relationships sitting next to fundamentalist Christians in alcoholic relationships. People in pin-striped suits next to people in worn out hippie-wear from Salvation Army. And none of that mattered, because we all understood each other in this one thing that was ruling our lives.
This community here at SR, and the one at Al-Anon, kept me sane while I was married to an alcoholic. It's continuing to keep me sane as I work my way out of the unhealthy behaviors I learned in trying to keep my husband sober. It's continuing to keep me sane as I rebuild my life without him.
And that's all the advice I have for you. Once you've taken the step of admitting you're involved with an alcoholic, surrounding yourself with others with similar experiences is healing in a way I couldn't even have imagined.
I remember how hard it was to even think those words out loud. "My husband is an alcoholic." For me, it was difficult because admitting it changed my reality. I could no longer believe the pretty picture we had painted for outside onlookers where we were a successful middle-class couple with a house and two cars and well-maintained children and lawn who were luckier than most. (Us, not the children and the lawn.)
I also think saying it out loud made me feel like I had to act on it, somehow. I very reluctantly went to Al-Anon (because after all, he was the one with the problem, and the only thing he was doing about it was DRINK, so why should I have to go to a support group???). This morning, I was actually thinking about that feeling of walking into an Al-Anon meeting and just relaxing, feeling that, for once, I didn't have to hold up a facade; I could talk freely about exactly how difficult my life had become.
It didn't start out like that, though. Walking into my first meeting was as difficult as saying "my husband is an alcoholic" to myself. I wasn't sure what to expect; I wasn't sure if I'd run into someone I knew; I was afraid to do something wrong... So the first few meetings, I basically listened and cried. Which was totally OK. Just hearing other people's stories was healing. I realized I wasn't alone. That there were other intelligent people who were married to alcoholics. That it didn't make me stupid.
Mostly, though, I appreciated being with other people who didn't tell me what to do. They just told me what they had done -- the good stuff that made their life better, and the bad stuff that really didn't work.
There were young people, old people, middle-aged people. There were wives and husbands, parents and grandparents, children of alcoholics. There were gays in alcoholic relationships sitting next to fundamentalist Christians in alcoholic relationships. People in pin-striped suits next to people in worn out hippie-wear from Salvation Army. And none of that mattered, because we all understood each other in this one thing that was ruling our lives.
This community here at SR, and the one at Al-Anon, kept me sane while I was married to an alcoholic. It's continuing to keep me sane as I work my way out of the unhealthy behaviors I learned in trying to keep my husband sober. It's continuing to keep me sane as I rebuild my life without him.
And that's all the advice I have for you.
Once you've taken the step of admitting you're involved with an alcoholic, surrounding yourself with others with similar experiences is healing in a way I couldn't even have imagined.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
OUCH.
Well, how about starting with the easy stuff, don't move in together unless and until you are sure that he is staying sober and has been in recovery for a long time - like one year.
Second... Your reference to leftover wine made me giggle. At one on my DAWs AA speaker meetings the speaker joked about hearing friends discussing what to do with leftover wine.
An alcoholic's response to that is "What the hell is leftover wine?"
Well, how about starting with the easy stuff, don't move in together unless and until you are sure that he is staying sober and has been in recovery for a long time - like one year.
Second... Your reference to leftover wine made me giggle. At one on my DAWs AA speaker meetings the speaker joked about hearing friends discussing what to do with leftover wine.
An alcoholic's response to that is "What the hell is leftover wine?"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. I have to second lillamy above...saying it out loud made it real, and then I had to do something about it. I think it was easier for a while to simply not see what was right in front of me. I remember the moment I had to acknowledge it all...I was going to bake a cake that I used a liqueur in the recipe...grabbed the bottle and it was empty. Dusty and empty, which meant it had been empty for some time. And this was gross raspberry liqueur, yuck!
But then I knew, and it wasn't long after that moment that I found Al-Anon. I didn't find this place until we separated.
Secrets make us sick. Keep talking, and keep coming back!
~T
But then I knew, and it wasn't long after that moment that I found Al-Anon. I didn't find this place until we separated.
Secrets make us sick. Keep talking, and keep coming back!
~T
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