another newcomer going through divorce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 16
another newcomer going through divorce
I have been poking around here off and on for years, but have only posted a couple times in response to others. I'm a "double winner" and got some good advice here years back when I was first trying to decide if I needed to stop drinking (the answer was definitely yes, and I'm happy to say I did finally stop a couple years ago). I forgot my login info, so I signed in today with a new name.
This is a bit of a saga, but I need to get it out there. The bottom line is that I am going through a divorce from my AW, and I am feeling guilty, and lonely, and full of self-pity. Guilty enough that I reached out to her over the past few weeks to see whether there was any basis to discuss reconciliation. Yesterday I got a nasty note from her lawyer saying that AW doesn't want to hear from me. A few months ago that would have been music to my ears! So why, oh why am I now sad and lonely instead of moving ahead with my life? To be sure, I am taking good care of myself - eating well, exercising regularly, getting good sleep. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since high school. Yes, I work too much and don't have enough time to enjoy hobbies, but that's nothing new. Anyway, here is the story.
The situation with my AW felt hopeless for a long time. We hit it off seven years ago over a common love of vodka and benzos and got married after only a few months. Three years ago she was went to in-patient treatment to get off the Xanax. Once she was stable she left treatment, against the advice of the doctors. It was an inpatient program. She has been "trying" to get clean (alcohol and pills) for the past four years, but hasn't ever made it more than a week or two without drinking. After I found a bottle of Xanax back in February - she had been swearing up and down for weeks that she wasn't taking any - I issued an ultimatum that she needed to start taking her addiction seriously or we were through. Well, it seemed like she was making real progress. For the first time she started attending AA regularly, though she often complained about the people or seemed to want to gossip about what she heard. Still, that was a huge improvement on her previous attitude, which was that AA was a cult that brainwashed people with "God crap". So, I was starting to become hopeful that maybe she had turned a corner. But several times in March and April I came home to find her clearly impaired, though seemingly not drunk, plus a couple other times she was in fact drunk so it made the different between the types of impairment more evident. And of course it turned out that she was drinking and using Xanax. That on top of Adderall, as she is also diagnosed ADHD.
What infuriated me was that her using had ruined our relationship. We didn't have any friends to speak of because no one wants to be around her. Over the years she passed out at dinner parties and concerts and in restaurants, and when she was conscious spewed hateful gibberish. When AW is drunk she is incredibly rude, haughty, disdainful, etc. She has zero female friends, and I mean literally zero. She hasn't done anything with a female "friend" in years. My wife is a beautiful, in-shape, well-educated 35 y-o woman, so it's not like she isn't superficially someone who should have an easy time making friends. Yet she has no friends and I'm pretty sure she's never had any close female friends (we got married sort of late and she had moved around a lot, so her explanation that none of her friends could attend the wedding seemed plausible). I'm a pretty social guy, so it pained me that we couldn't do things with friends as couples. I went out, mostly to music and sports events with guy friends, but really wanted to be able to have friends together with my wife. And we would try to make plans with just us, but it rarely worked. For example, we would make plans to walk the dog around the lake, but when the appointed hour rolled around she was staggering and incoherent. The same pattern repeated often - we planned to do something, like a museum or movie or a walk, and she ended up drinking or otherwise impaired, and so I watched TV or read, and became more and more resentful.
This spring, the resentment I felt turned into anger. I’ve never been an angry person – in fact, people have commented throughout my life at how mellow I am about things. Well, that changed last spring. I got pretty angry because AW hadn’t contributed to the relationship or the household for the last couple years. She couldn't hold a job, because she missed work due to drinking and when she was there I'm sure the quality of her work is poor. I know from my own experience that when she's drinking or on pills that her thinking is extremely convoluted, and her co-workers and employers must have noticed this too. A few years ago she was out of work for a year and spent all her time on the couch, drinking champagne and popping pills and watching TV. I travel a lot for work, otherwise I might have exploded and asked her to move out. But I wasn't around, and she'd go so far as to kennel the dog so she could binge on booze and pills without even having to worry about letting the dog out. That pattern started again last November when she lost another job. I refused to go through the whole thing again, not wanting to subsidize someone who doesn't want to contribute anything to our relationship, our home, our community, or to life in general.
By May I finally had enough and said she needed to go to inpatient treatment or move out. Instead, she left – one day I came home from work and she was just gone. She went to her dad and when he tired of her act, she went to her mom, who is an enabler extraordinaire. We were in MN and they are out east, so I can’t see her. We haven't spoken since the end of May. I filed for separation in June and she countersued for divorce in July. And I was fine with that until recently. But now I am feeling really lonely and full of self-pity. And I'm second-guessing. Wondering if maybe she really isn't an A (she has mental health problems too and apparently is seeing multiple therapists to address them). Of course she is – the evidence is overwhelming – but the denial I feel is just crazy. And so my question is, in the face of all this, why on earth do I miss her so much??? Our relationship was misery, but I am finding it very hard to hold onto that thought, or to move forward.
-JQ
This is a bit of a saga, but I need to get it out there. The bottom line is that I am going through a divorce from my AW, and I am feeling guilty, and lonely, and full of self-pity. Guilty enough that I reached out to her over the past few weeks to see whether there was any basis to discuss reconciliation. Yesterday I got a nasty note from her lawyer saying that AW doesn't want to hear from me. A few months ago that would have been music to my ears! So why, oh why am I now sad and lonely instead of moving ahead with my life? To be sure, I am taking good care of myself - eating well, exercising regularly, getting good sleep. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since high school. Yes, I work too much and don't have enough time to enjoy hobbies, but that's nothing new. Anyway, here is the story.
The situation with my AW felt hopeless for a long time. We hit it off seven years ago over a common love of vodka and benzos and got married after only a few months. Three years ago she was went to in-patient treatment to get off the Xanax. Once she was stable she left treatment, against the advice of the doctors. It was an inpatient program. She has been "trying" to get clean (alcohol and pills) for the past four years, but hasn't ever made it more than a week or two without drinking. After I found a bottle of Xanax back in February - she had been swearing up and down for weeks that she wasn't taking any - I issued an ultimatum that she needed to start taking her addiction seriously or we were through. Well, it seemed like she was making real progress. For the first time she started attending AA regularly, though she often complained about the people or seemed to want to gossip about what she heard. Still, that was a huge improvement on her previous attitude, which was that AA was a cult that brainwashed people with "God crap". So, I was starting to become hopeful that maybe she had turned a corner. But several times in March and April I came home to find her clearly impaired, though seemingly not drunk, plus a couple other times she was in fact drunk so it made the different between the types of impairment more evident. And of course it turned out that she was drinking and using Xanax. That on top of Adderall, as she is also diagnosed ADHD.
What infuriated me was that her using had ruined our relationship. We didn't have any friends to speak of because no one wants to be around her. Over the years she passed out at dinner parties and concerts and in restaurants, and when she was conscious spewed hateful gibberish. When AW is drunk she is incredibly rude, haughty, disdainful, etc. She has zero female friends, and I mean literally zero. She hasn't done anything with a female "friend" in years. My wife is a beautiful, in-shape, well-educated 35 y-o woman, so it's not like she isn't superficially someone who should have an easy time making friends. Yet she has no friends and I'm pretty sure she's never had any close female friends (we got married sort of late and she had moved around a lot, so her explanation that none of her friends could attend the wedding seemed plausible). I'm a pretty social guy, so it pained me that we couldn't do things with friends as couples. I went out, mostly to music and sports events with guy friends, but really wanted to be able to have friends together with my wife. And we would try to make plans with just us, but it rarely worked. For example, we would make plans to walk the dog around the lake, but when the appointed hour rolled around she was staggering and incoherent. The same pattern repeated often - we planned to do something, like a museum or movie or a walk, and she ended up drinking or otherwise impaired, and so I watched TV or read, and became more and more resentful.
This spring, the resentment I felt turned into anger. I’ve never been an angry person – in fact, people have commented throughout my life at how mellow I am about things. Well, that changed last spring. I got pretty angry because AW hadn’t contributed to the relationship or the household for the last couple years. She couldn't hold a job, because she missed work due to drinking and when she was there I'm sure the quality of her work is poor. I know from my own experience that when she's drinking or on pills that her thinking is extremely convoluted, and her co-workers and employers must have noticed this too. A few years ago she was out of work for a year and spent all her time on the couch, drinking champagne and popping pills and watching TV. I travel a lot for work, otherwise I might have exploded and asked her to move out. But I wasn't around, and she'd go so far as to kennel the dog so she could binge on booze and pills without even having to worry about letting the dog out. That pattern started again last November when she lost another job. I refused to go through the whole thing again, not wanting to subsidize someone who doesn't want to contribute anything to our relationship, our home, our community, or to life in general.
By May I finally had enough and said she needed to go to inpatient treatment or move out. Instead, she left – one day I came home from work and she was just gone. She went to her dad and when he tired of her act, she went to her mom, who is an enabler extraordinaire. We were in MN and they are out east, so I can’t see her. We haven't spoken since the end of May. I filed for separation in June and she countersued for divorce in July. And I was fine with that until recently. But now I am feeling really lonely and full of self-pity. And I'm second-guessing. Wondering if maybe she really isn't an A (she has mental health problems too and apparently is seeing multiple therapists to address them). Of course she is – the evidence is overwhelming – but the denial I feel is just crazy. And so my question is, in the face of all this, why on earth do I miss her so much??? Our relationship was misery, but I am finding it very hard to hold onto that thought, or to move forward.
-JQ
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Perhaps you are just lonely and that is why you feel as though you miss her. Because it certainly does not sound like she is someone anyone would want to live with.
I thank you for your story; it really hits home for me. I don't feel it in my heart yet, but my brain knows, I dodged a bullet when AXBF left me. And your story tells me much of what I dodged. Any way you slice it, these folks are just so unhealthy. And they're not capable of living healthy lives, much less maintaining healthy relationships.
I thank you for your story; it really hits home for me. I don't feel it in my heart yet, but my brain knows, I dodged a bullet when AXBF left me. And your story tells me much of what I dodged. Any way you slice it, these folks are just so unhealthy. And they're not capable of living healthy lives, much less maintaining healthy relationships.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Welcome! Your story is compelling: that of your recovery; and that of her descent into the disease.
Unfortunately, those around the A are often called upon to make the tough choices that "put our As out." Those choices may fill us with guilt as well as heartache. We become the ones who pull the trigger, and who bear the bullets of loneliness and loss too. You miss her because you loved and were enmeshed in her life. The tunic has been torn, for good reasons, but now the connections that made it hard to make the tear are not the same so we feel their loss, deeply.
Feelings are to be acknowledged and accepted, but they are not facts. Think them through. Listen and Learn here and in the rooms of Al-Anon. There will be the familiar 12-Step sound but what you will get in those rooms will be so what you need, so different when on the other side of the A's fence.
Keep Coming Back!
Unfortunately, those around the A are often called upon to make the tough choices that "put our As out." Those choices may fill us with guilt as well as heartache. We become the ones who pull the trigger, and who bear the bullets of loneliness and loss too. You miss her because you loved and were enmeshed in her life. The tunic has been torn, for good reasons, but now the connections that made it hard to make the tear are not the same so we feel their loss, deeply.
Feelings are to be acknowledged and accepted, but they are not facts. Think them through. Listen and Learn here and in the rooms of Al-Anon. There will be the familiar 12-Step sound but what you will get in those rooms will be so what you need, so different when on the other side of the A's fence.
Keep Coming Back!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I find the longer I'm away from my STBXAH that I tend to think of only the good times OR of the *FANTASY* ... what he was for maybe the first couple of months we dated or what I *THINK* he could be if "only he got sober".
My suggestion would be to make two lists: 1) what about her made you happy 2) what about her made you "have enough". When you're feeling lonely or miss her, read what you wrote -- I have a feeling the "had enough" list will be a solid reminder that getting away from the insanity was the best thing you could have ever done.
Hugs to you!
My suggestion would be to make two lists: 1) what about her made you happy 2) what about her made you "have enough". When you're feeling lonely or miss her, read what you wrote -- I have a feeling the "had enough" list will be a solid reminder that getting away from the insanity was the best thing you could have ever done.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
quillan68, I feel for you. It is a very difficult thing to leave someone you love so dearly because there really is no other choice. I am in a similar situation. I left my AH of almost 20 years suddenly on July 4th after his drinking and porn use became intolerable. I've filed for divorce, and now I have been going back to my house and getting my stuff in preparation for the movers to come.
Your description of your feelings is just how I am feeling. I KNOW there is no other choice; I KNOW I don't want to live with someone in his condition; I KNOW he has no intention of stopping drinking; I KNOW nothing will change if I go back.
But my heart cries out "why?" and I feel the grief and pain of the loss of what could have been. We had lots of good times, fewer as the years went by, but those memories pop up kind of like one of the computer pop-ups that momentarily take over the screen so that you can only focus on them until you collect yourself and say "I don't want to see this" and push the little X to make them disappear.
You and I, my friend, are suffering from emotional "computer pop-ups". We both need to find that little "X" and click it every time.
And we are both entitled to remember the good times and cherish them, even while we are totally realistic about what life with our A actually is like.
People here on SR often say "nothing changes until something changes", and I think for both of us, that is the mantra of the day.
Keep posting, hold steady, you're doing the right thing.
BothSidesNow
"I think of love from both sides now,
From give and take and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall:
I really don't know love at all."
Joni Mitchell
Your description of your feelings is just how I am feeling. I KNOW there is no other choice; I KNOW I don't want to live with someone in his condition; I KNOW he has no intention of stopping drinking; I KNOW nothing will change if I go back.
But my heart cries out "why?" and I feel the grief and pain of the loss of what could have been. We had lots of good times, fewer as the years went by, but those memories pop up kind of like one of the computer pop-ups that momentarily take over the screen so that you can only focus on them until you collect yourself and say "I don't want to see this" and push the little X to make them disappear.
You and I, my friend, are suffering from emotional "computer pop-ups". We both need to find that little "X" and click it every time.
And we are both entitled to remember the good times and cherish them, even while we are totally realistic about what life with our A actually is like.
People here on SR often say "nothing changes until something changes", and I think for both of us, that is the mantra of the day.
Keep posting, hold steady, you're doing the right thing.
BothSidesNow
"I think of love from both sides now,
From give and take and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall:
I really don't know love at all."
Joni Mitchell
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
That was good. Pop-ups for the good memories! The missing feeling, though, is like you need that certain web page badly but can't find it no matter how many times you hit the "Back" arrow or how much you search your "History"!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Quillan68,
Welcome back. Your story sounds like my XA only the male version... handsome, bright, ex bodybuilder, very successful at times career wise but always sabotages everything with benzos and alcohol!
I spent 4 years with XA having fallen in love with him and "his potential" which was simply unlimited in every way.
Rule number one for one that I know term as a boundary: Never, never fall in love with potential as MOST people do not change and we certainly are not powerful enough to change them.
My personal rule number 2: Red flags are NOT party favors. Stop collecting them. I had to figure out why I am attracted to the handsome, broken, charming addict in the room like a mesmerized insect to the flaming candle.
While the alcoholic has a very serious problem mine is just as serious. Emotionally healthy people do not get emeshed with alcholics.
My personal rule for myself: Unravel myself completely and understand my personal issues with chasing the WRONG guy repeatedly through life!
Why did I used to fall to pieces when I sould seperate from him when he relapsed? Like you I would be full of angst, worry, remorse, guilt, fear and a complete and utter basket case. I would miss him something awful too... just miss HIM... sigh.
What I learned is that feelings are very real but they are tricky and come from chemicals... brain chemicals and hormones that are released in abundance when we intimate physically and emotionally with a mate. When we seperate from a mate God and nature has designed us to "correct" leaving our mate by making us physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
When yearning for him I would tell my chemicals to shut up. really. I refused to give them power over my choice to use logic and reason. Feelings "feel" awful when going through them but I began to understand that it was NOT LOVE. Genuine love is based on respect, admiration for a person's character and is not a one way street as it is with an A.
You are at that stage where "nature" is trying to connect you back with your mate... your brain chemicals do not understand alcoholism. Your brain chemicals cannot reason this out.
It takes time...but the intense misery of the seperation anxiety and chemical malfunction in your brain does go away! Patience grasshopper.
What you really need to watch out for is when your wife changes her mind and starts chasing you to reconcile and I would bet a lot of money that it will happen someday! Hopefully you will be ready for that challenge because it will unleash all those pesky brain chemicals and hormones AGAIN and you will be swooning with desire to hook up at least....
These will be dangerous times. It's hard to shake an alcoholic. They come back... eventually.
To be READY for this challenge you should seriously consider alanon and hang around this website. I post my long post for you to consider... take what you want and leave the rest... but I do it mostly for me. I have to remind myself over and over and over again of what is TRUE because I have a really bad ADDICTION to my benzo/alkie ex and he KNOWS it and exploits it.
He is like a cobra snake swaying back and forth trying to ensnare me in his trap over and over again... I have to diligently maintain NC.
And thats another boundary FOR ME that I enforce. I do not engage with him. You can't reason or talk to an active A anyway. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing... just annoys the pig and frustrates you!
And I assume you know that someone that LOVES benzo's like them because it magnifies the alcoholic effect (they both work on the same parts of the brain) so it is being drunk on steroids. The bad part about that is that it makes A's mean as snakes, absolutely no sense or judgement and usually results in a complete blackout. An extremely addictive drug that should NEVER be prescribed for an A... many doctors do not understand this or are unaware that the patient is an A.
Your XA has no interest in recovery. If she did the prognosis would still be poor. Nothing changes if nothing changes and nothing was going to change unless you changed it.
YOU DID! This is the best thing you could have done for yourself and for her. You made her make a decision and she did... and did you a huge favor.
Time reveals all. To everything there is a season and this is YOUR SEASON! Feels like crap but it is a GREAT time to work on You... because the person you are looking for is definately not her it is YOU!
And you are worth it...so get some tools. You got some good friends to hang out with on your journey here on SR. They helped me find ME and ditch the loser A who is in a jail right now...again!!!!
Mr Potential is not living up to it... Imagine that!!!!
Maybe we could send your X my XA's jail address and they could pen pal and tell eachother how AWFUL we are for not supporting them in their addiction! LOL...
That is making me laugh... could you imagine if I started a thread and asked every member of this forum to send my XA a letter in jail... he hated this website!!! He is sure it is why we broke up and he may be right!!!
Keep coming back and remember never, never give up... the best adventures are in the rest of your life story yet to be written by you.
Welcome back. Your story sounds like my XA only the male version... handsome, bright, ex bodybuilder, very successful at times career wise but always sabotages everything with benzos and alcohol!
I spent 4 years with XA having fallen in love with him and "his potential" which was simply unlimited in every way.
Rule number one for one that I know term as a boundary: Never, never fall in love with potential as MOST people do not change and we certainly are not powerful enough to change them.
My personal rule number 2: Red flags are NOT party favors. Stop collecting them. I had to figure out why I am attracted to the handsome, broken, charming addict in the room like a mesmerized insect to the flaming candle.
While the alcoholic has a very serious problem mine is just as serious. Emotionally healthy people do not get emeshed with alcholics.
My personal rule for myself: Unravel myself completely and understand my personal issues with chasing the WRONG guy repeatedly through life!
Why did I used to fall to pieces when I sould seperate from him when he relapsed? Like you I would be full of angst, worry, remorse, guilt, fear and a complete and utter basket case. I would miss him something awful too... just miss HIM... sigh.
What I learned is that feelings are very real but they are tricky and come from chemicals... brain chemicals and hormones that are released in abundance when we intimate physically and emotionally with a mate. When we seperate from a mate God and nature has designed us to "correct" leaving our mate by making us physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
When yearning for him I would tell my chemicals to shut up. really. I refused to give them power over my choice to use logic and reason. Feelings "feel" awful when going through them but I began to understand that it was NOT LOVE. Genuine love is based on respect, admiration for a person's character and is not a one way street as it is with an A.
You are at that stage where "nature" is trying to connect you back with your mate... your brain chemicals do not understand alcoholism. Your brain chemicals cannot reason this out.
It takes time...but the intense misery of the seperation anxiety and chemical malfunction in your brain does go away! Patience grasshopper.
What you really need to watch out for is when your wife changes her mind and starts chasing you to reconcile and I would bet a lot of money that it will happen someday! Hopefully you will be ready for that challenge because it will unleash all those pesky brain chemicals and hormones AGAIN and you will be swooning with desire to hook up at least....
These will be dangerous times. It's hard to shake an alcoholic. They come back... eventually.
To be READY for this challenge you should seriously consider alanon and hang around this website. I post my long post for you to consider... take what you want and leave the rest... but I do it mostly for me. I have to remind myself over and over and over again of what is TRUE because I have a really bad ADDICTION to my benzo/alkie ex and he KNOWS it and exploits it.
He is like a cobra snake swaying back and forth trying to ensnare me in his trap over and over again... I have to diligently maintain NC.
And thats another boundary FOR ME that I enforce. I do not engage with him. You can't reason or talk to an active A anyway. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing... just annoys the pig and frustrates you!
And I assume you know that someone that LOVES benzo's like them because it magnifies the alcoholic effect (they both work on the same parts of the brain) so it is being drunk on steroids. The bad part about that is that it makes A's mean as snakes, absolutely no sense or judgement and usually results in a complete blackout. An extremely addictive drug that should NEVER be prescribed for an A... many doctors do not understand this or are unaware that the patient is an A.
Your XA has no interest in recovery. If she did the prognosis would still be poor. Nothing changes if nothing changes and nothing was going to change unless you changed it.
YOU DID! This is the best thing you could have done for yourself and for her. You made her make a decision and she did... and did you a huge favor.
Time reveals all. To everything there is a season and this is YOUR SEASON! Feels like crap but it is a GREAT time to work on You... because the person you are looking for is definately not her it is YOU!
And you are worth it...so get some tools. You got some good friends to hang out with on your journey here on SR. They helped me find ME and ditch the loser A who is in a jail right now...again!!!!
Mr Potential is not living up to it... Imagine that!!!!
Maybe we could send your X my XA's jail address and they could pen pal and tell eachother how AWFUL we are for not supporting them in their addiction! LOL...
That is making me laugh... could you imagine if I started a thread and asked every member of this forum to send my XA a letter in jail... he hated this website!!! He is sure it is why we broke up and he may be right!!!
Keep coming back and remember never, never give up... the best adventures are in the rest of your life story yet to be written by you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Trust me the feelings will pass over time
I was with my ex AH for 5 years. I saved her life I did everything humanly possible( didnt have alchohol in house etc) but 2 relapses 6 months after 3 months in rehab was unacceptable..
Like yours on the outside mine had everything.. inside a wasteland. But trust me Ive never felt so alone so lonely months after breaking up. It was very tough but like the posters here say it does pass..
Recovering or not recovering it will always be about them. Ive started to make it about me as you should. You sound like a good guy find someone who treats you like one !
I was with my ex AH for 5 years. I saved her life I did everything humanly possible( didnt have alchohol in house etc) but 2 relapses 6 months after 3 months in rehab was unacceptable..
Like yours on the outside mine had everything.. inside a wasteland. But trust me Ive never felt so alone so lonely months after breaking up. It was very tough but like the posters here say it does pass..
Recovering or not recovering it will always be about them. Ive started to make it about me as you should. You sound like a good guy find someone who treats you like one !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 16
Thanks for all the good responses. I really appreciate the support and the insights. Hopeworks and Bothsidesnow and weber1, it is good to know that others have very similar stories. That gives me hope.
The notion that brain chemistry is largely to blame - that we are hardwired to be profoundly uncomfortable with the physical absence of a mate - is strangely comforting. By that I mean that at least it is good to hear that others have this same experience after three to four months of separation. I would think it be easier over time, but the first couple months were pretty easy - I was still very angry and was relieved to not have to worry anymore about what I would find at the end of the day. But now it has become mundane to be home alone, and the thought of being alone during a long MN winter is tough to bear.
I wish our AXes could be pen pals, hopeworks - it sounds like they are a perfect match. As for the benzos, I used them pretty heavily too, but it always scared me to use them with alcohol. I would use them to treat my withdrawal symptoms, since I was a binger. And to treat my other other alcohol-related health issues, like panic attacks and neuropathy and sleep disorders and restless leg and etc. But my AW takes them in huge quantities, both when she is drinking and when she isn't. She'll take xanax 2 MGs at a time, and take three or four a day. It's no wonder that her brain turned to mush over the past few years. It is so heartbreaking, because she is very beautiful and is charming and funny when sober. And of course that is the version of her that is stuck in my head - not the poisonous, scared, narcissist she had become.
so, as mdh0723 suggested, I made a list back in May of all the bad things, just in case I started to second guess. And what do you think has happened? Not only am I second guessing, but I now think maybe all those things weren't that bad! And a couple weeks ago I made a list of all the good things. And all those good things now seem really good! Of course, most of them happened years ago, but not all. She still had good periods, especially when she went to AA meetings this spring. But the trust was gone - she lied constantly and stole money from my wallet (we had put her on an allowance because she kept spending huge sums at bars, or somewhere - of course she could never remember how she spent it...). And she kept taking Xanax, even though it turned her into a gibberish spewing zombie.
Anyway, the heartache is slightly less today. I distracted myself by going to a football game and I have to travel for work this week, so that's good too. But like others who have experienced this, I really ache for HER. It is useful to think of the co-dependency as an addiction, because it feels a lot like one. I re-read parts of Co-Dependent No More this weekend and that has helped too. That book describes the relationship so well it's scary. And what's alarming is that in many ways I am just as delusional as she is - because I am feeling a physical ache missing something that doesn't really exist. But they are just feelings - they will go away. I just wish time didn't take so much time. Of course, that's the A in me - always impatient.
Thanks again for all the support. Virtual hugs all around!
The notion that brain chemistry is largely to blame - that we are hardwired to be profoundly uncomfortable with the physical absence of a mate - is strangely comforting. By that I mean that at least it is good to hear that others have this same experience after three to four months of separation. I would think it be easier over time, but the first couple months were pretty easy - I was still very angry and was relieved to not have to worry anymore about what I would find at the end of the day. But now it has become mundane to be home alone, and the thought of being alone during a long MN winter is tough to bear.
I wish our AXes could be pen pals, hopeworks - it sounds like they are a perfect match. As for the benzos, I used them pretty heavily too, but it always scared me to use them with alcohol. I would use them to treat my withdrawal symptoms, since I was a binger. And to treat my other other alcohol-related health issues, like panic attacks and neuropathy and sleep disorders and restless leg and etc. But my AW takes them in huge quantities, both when she is drinking and when she isn't. She'll take xanax 2 MGs at a time, and take three or four a day. It's no wonder that her brain turned to mush over the past few years. It is so heartbreaking, because she is very beautiful and is charming and funny when sober. And of course that is the version of her that is stuck in my head - not the poisonous, scared, narcissist she had become.
so, as mdh0723 suggested, I made a list back in May of all the bad things, just in case I started to second guess. And what do you think has happened? Not only am I second guessing, but I now think maybe all those things weren't that bad! And a couple weeks ago I made a list of all the good things. And all those good things now seem really good! Of course, most of them happened years ago, but not all. She still had good periods, especially when she went to AA meetings this spring. But the trust was gone - she lied constantly and stole money from my wallet (we had put her on an allowance because she kept spending huge sums at bars, or somewhere - of course she could never remember how she spent it...). And she kept taking Xanax, even though it turned her into a gibberish spewing zombie.
Anyway, the heartache is slightly less today. I distracted myself by going to a football game and I have to travel for work this week, so that's good too. But like others who have experienced this, I really ache for HER. It is useful to think of the co-dependency as an addiction, because it feels a lot like one. I re-read parts of Co-Dependent No More this weekend and that has helped too. That book describes the relationship so well it's scary. And what's alarming is that in many ways I am just as delusional as she is - because I am feeling a physical ache missing something that doesn't really exist. But they are just feelings - they will go away. I just wish time didn't take so much time. Of course, that's the A in me - always impatient.
Thanks again for all the support. Virtual hugs all around!
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