lizloh

He finally decided to get help after a stern talk from his mother. I called after this morning I find he was at the strip club until 3am (had to work at 6, and looks like death) and drove home drunk-according to the stench in his bedroom.
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.
I felt so good knowing I was going to divorce him. Now I feel stuck and obligated to stay :-/ I told him that too, minus that last part. What I did say was 'you could drag this out for a year and I will feel stupid for not just divorcing you now.
Really I feel guilty, I know, and obligated to his mother. I feel I could mess up his 'want' to recover now if I divorce him anyways.
I know this is NOT self motivated and won't last long, so why not just stick it out knowing eventually I can be free? My grandma says 'show him what it is to stick to ur word' and 'help him to his rock bottom, free urself from the repercussions his drinking will have on both of you (the IRS is threatening-probably processing a lien on our home for unpaid income taxes)
So my question is (sorry I know no advice) HIM or ME

lillamy

Babe,

You have no obligation to him. Even less to his mother.
Besides, SAYING he's going to get help and DOING it are two completely different things.

I know people who have separated and worked on their own recoveries -- and sometimes they've gotten back together and sometimes they haven't. I don't see a problem with telling him he needs to work on his recovery and that you still want a separation and that you'll be open to having a discussion about things after he's been sober for 18 months.

NWGRITS

You are not responsible for anything he does. Nothing you do or don't do MAKES him drink. That's a classic trap for codies in relationships with A's. He drinks because he's an A, and he does it whether or not you do anything. I'd say to keep heading out the door and save yourself a ton of heartache and pain.

MamaKit

I feel I could mess up his 'want' to recover now if I divorce him anyways.

Lizloh,
Sweetie, you have nothing to do with his "want" to recover. Lead by example, sort of like what grandma says. Take care of yourself. He can choose to follow that example or not. The upside of this approach is that only one of you is likely to hit bottom. If you take care of yourself he can't drag you down with him. I'm sorry you've been so let down. I know it must really hurt
Hugs,
MamaKit

lizloh

Thank you both, I haven't needed insight from you folks at SR more than right now. I kept refreshing the page until I saw a comment!

Taking5

Is he really going to get help or just talk about it?

What facility? What Dr.? What recovery program? I would need to see very definate actions on his part. Actions not talk.

lizloh

You are absolutely right, Mama. Being a good person is so hard sometimes. But it may just be my co-dependence :P still trying to discern between those too. This feeling of obligation and guilt. I just feel so bad for saying oh you want help? Great, I'm still leaving you. But it IS what I feel is right. In part, really I feel it's what I WANT. He never cared for my feelings these six years of pain, blame, lying, deceit.

Hypatia

I can understand both sides. I am staying, but my husband is in rehab for 3+ months doing his own recovery with no help or hindrance from me. You could say we are unofficially separated already.

He has problems he has to work on, and I have my own stuff to work on. And it really seems to be working much better now that we are temporarily apart. After reading about people here dealing with short rehabs, I'm starting to understand why the Germans insisted my husband go away for at least 3 months. We both needed to break the cycle we'd gotten into, before being able to learn new patterns of behaviour.

So although I'm not ready to even consider divorce yet, I'm quite happy with this temporary separation.

lizloh

He will only go see a counselor, as we own a business and I'm SURE he would use the excuse oh they need me. I felt like asking the big boss today if he could get the three weeks off (they LOVE him, are like family they have know him almost his whole life) They probably realized he had a problem wayy before him or I would admit. But then I thought, it's not my problem. His mom said no, save the embarrassment! I said 'he needs to be embarrassed!'

lizloh

As much as he has done to me how can I possibly find it hard to say, too little too late I'm outta here?! Is it because the Codie me feels he is better off WITH me around?

lizloh

I guess it's like before the ball was in his court and now that it is in mine I have to be the bad guy

Hypatia

Hmm.... look at it the other way around. Be the good guy for you!

MamaKit

If being around is what it would take to make them better off....there would be very few of us posting in this forum.

outonalimb

lizloh,

Have you sat down to discuss your options with a lawyer yet? THere are alot of financial and legal consequences that come with being married to an alcoholic. If you haven't done so yet, educate yourself about your rights and obligations. You can't make a wise decision based solely on emotion and hope...especially when that 'hope' is pinned on the mere words of an alcoholic. They are master manipulators. Protect yourself and love yourself enough to make an informed decision.

You aren't trapped. You are free to do whats best for YOU without having to justify or explain it to anyone...most especially HIS mother.

Your grandma is a smart cookie.,

Hugs,,,,

lillamy

Well... for me, I think it was pride.
I think I somewhere wanted him to want to get sober for me. I wanted him to get sober and have a better life and know that it was because of me he did it. That I was so important in his life that he chose to beat something as horrid as alcoholism. Because I thought that that would somehow increase my value and worth as a human being.

It's taken me a long time to believe that I am a valuable and worthy human being just in myself. That I don't have to save him (or anyone) in order to "earn" my place on earth. I can't explain it any better than that.

choublak

Okay I'm confused. He said he would get help, then went to a strip club until 3 in the morning?

And you don't want the IRS after you.

tomsteve

the day after my last drunk and after my fiance telling me what i had done and said the while i was drunk that day, she threw me out. it was a great move on her part and what got me into recovery.
it is not wise to trust a drunk just because they say they will get help.

lizloh

He agreed to get help after the strip club. I realize I should've maybe been more clear with his mom that I am spent. Not that I owe her any explanation.
I went to work, pulled him aside and said 'I don't want you to think I'm not divorcing you, I am.' I know work isn't a great place to talk but the guilt/panic of my new situation with getting his mom involved and him agreeing to see a counselor (finally) ...well I just had to get it out there. Really for ME to hear. Thank you all endlessly for your insight.
Why is it you never feel obligated to yourself??? Is the feeling itself just guilt, masked?
I'm googling
Maybe I do feel obligated to myself. My gut reaction to feeling stuck, again, by his 'words'-while short-was very strong. The wind was out of me and I just sobbed. I am so lucky to have my Gramma to talk to! She is my ROCK! And you all are her back-up
I appreciate it SO much *tear

lizloh

Obligation:
1.an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound
2.a duty or commitment
3.a debt of gratitude for a service or favor

From now on
I am my duty and commitment
I am morally bound to MY well-being
Because of how wonderful I am

Pelican

This is a link to a great sticky post that helped me. It also contains a healthy way to address our personal guilt.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html