tjp613

First of all, nothing has to be decided right this minute.

Secondly, you certainly don't want to change course because he merely said he would get help. He should demonstrate persistent and relentless action over a long period of time before even considering changing your plans.

Thirdly, words mean absolutely nothing. If you pulled the plug on your plans for separation/divorce at this juncture, what message would that send? "All I need is a wee little sentence from you, and my self-preservation is out the window." Do you think that would motivate him to proceed with a recovery plan?

Remember, taking care of yourself IS THE SAME as taking care of him. Do what is best for you. Listen to your grandma....she sounds smart....you're lucky to have her counsel.

Milly39

You have gotten some good advice there.
My new motto is " don't tell me, show me"
Don't believe a word he says about getting help until you actually SEE him doing something positive.
Talk is cheap

suki44883

If you want out, then get out. Sometimes, even if they do get help, it is just too late to salvage what has been lost. Do what is best for YOU and let him figure out what is best for him.

Justfor1

It sounds strange that he wants help after the 3AM strip club visit? Maybe they had something to do with hitting his "rock bottom"? Sort of like folks who go to the bar daily & take advice from the bartender.

Thumper

Suki is right. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself and if you want out, get out. You have permission to leave based on your history with this man and your needs today. He could turn into a saint tomorrow and you still have every right to say "I'm done."

Eddiebuckle

Both. The trouble is, you can't save him, which leaves the only constructive action at your disposal: you working on yourself.

And the truth likely is that as 1/2 of this non-functioning relationship, you have a bit of work to do to be a fully functional partner whether it is with this man or someone in the future. He will figure out his side of the issue at whatever pace his ego/addiction allows. No amount of effort on your part will bring him to the conclusion that he needs to stop drinking for ever, that epiphany is strictly an inside job.

Good luck.

aboutdone

There is a ton to think about, and I understand your feelings. I filed for divorce after my AH went out on a drinking binge 2 weeks before I was due with our child and then moved in with his best friend and didn't come home. I filed 3 weeks after he left. 3 weeks later after a ton of bs on the phone I told him to never talk to me unless he went to rehab. He immediately called back and said I want to go to rehab, will you come and take me. I SOOO wanted to, but said NO. Absolutely not. If you want to go. You will. He drove himself to rehab the next morning. He has been sober for over 3 years.

I too felt, that maybe I shouldn't hinder his sobriety by going through with the divorce. I ended up extending the date for finalization for 3 months. Still ended up going through the with the divorce,and we are still together.

When he started rehab, I decided to be supportive. There is a great rehab center in our town, so I went almost daily with our newborn. I went to family meetings and group meetings and AA meetings, and sat through regular classes. It was amazing.

After about a week of being there, I said I was so happy he cared enough for his daughter to get a sober, and thats when he smacked me the "i'm getting sober for me". I was hurt, mad, and every other emotion you could possibly have in a matter of 30 seconds.

Its a crazy thing really when you think about it. Everyone stops enabling. The idea is to cut off support for the persons addiction, and make them hit their bottom, so that would almost lead one to think that when they say yes to rehab or to quit drinking its for others, and sometimes, it initially is, but ultimately somewhere deep inside of them, its really them that decides enough is enough.

When my RAH made his decision to go, divorce had been filed, he was looking me, our child, and his job was on the line. Yet after a week of being in rehab he really discovered it was for him.

Boundaries set and broken but not followed through, are essentially like setting a land mine. It leaves the addicted confused, and unsure of what will work and what won't so they try it all.

If you were on your way out the door, keep going. Words on merely words. Actions are where its at.

Thinking that MAYBE he will get sober and be that person you wanted is MAYBE a good reason to stay, is not a good idea. Many people don't get sober the first time around. Many people don't actually follow through. Many people become so much more selfish when they become sober, that it can actually seem worse than it was when they were drinking.

If they follow a program like my RAH did/does, it was 90 meetings in 90 days, and also whenever you feel the need. Some RA are consumed with doing everything to be sober, that they still don't have time for you, much less care about what your doing. Don't get me wrong, sobriety is phenomenal, but it takes a really long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope that makes sense. Don't put your life on hold a minute longer for a maybe. I agree with others about waiting for 18months to make it work after sobriety. We didn't and it was so very hard, between him working on being sober, and me working on me. There really isn't alot of time to work out a bunch of crap in between. We live in a small town. There are no marriage counselors that counsel around alcoholism. We pretty much had to be our own counselors, use everything we learned in AA and Alanon, along with trying to parent, and forgive each other for past wounds. It was a very trying time for both of us. I don't regret doing it how we did, but I also don't suggest it. LOL.

Titanic

Both of you have work to do.

Both programs of recovery (AA & Al-Anon) suggest that, before making any big decisions (e.g., separation, divorce, new job, move), each of you work on your own recovery: for one year in His case; and for at least 6-9 months in your case. Chapter 32 of How Al-Anon Works speaks to the latter.

Those timers start from when each of you enter your own recovery rooms and, for him, that generally would be immediately after exiting rehab.

Of course, those time periods assume each of you IS working your own program.

Titanic

You might think about telling him you hear HIM with your eyes rather than your ears!

sugarbear1

Please try no contact with his mother. HIS mother. I have my own experiences to draw from, but you married HIM, not HIS mother!

I wish you the best!

Love & hugs,

lizloh

Thank you, sugarbear, for that advice. I love her and she means well but she is still somewhat in denial and wanting to protect him. I just need separation from them all.
Thank you, aboutdone for sharing your story!! I so appreciate it.
What a supportive and educational place this site has been for me to come to

fluffyflea

YOU!!!!!!!!! You have no obligation to him, you owe him nothing, If the IRS is putting a lien on you need to get yourself in a legal position so they can't harass YOU for money. Part of his bottom is losing everything to his disease and you have to be true to you.

Earthworm