Recently Left alcoholic Fiance having hard time
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Recently Left alcoholic Fiance having hard time
I recently left my fiance as he has a severe drinking problem ( 24 pack a night) for the last 4 years we were together for 6 years. We have a 2 year old together and I have a 9 year old step son that I have raised since he was 3. I had tried for years to get my fiance off the couch and worked 2 jobs while pregnant to support our family because he was unable to work due to his alcohol issues and the people in our neighborhood would not hire him because he was so angry and just resentful all the time towards everyone. Granted when I first met this man he was so fun and fill of energy we would go to the beach and go downtown and have a good time but for the last 4 years he refused to do anything with me and when he did he was miserable or always had a beer in his hand. I paid all our bills and even paid for his drinking habit to the point where I could not afford to put food on our table for our baby because he would steal the money from my account for beer and weed. Within the last 6 weeks I packed up my whole life and left him I turned off the power at our house and got my own place with my 2 year old ( my stepson lives with his mother we get him every other weekend).. He was devastated and could not believe that I actually picked up and left him as I had threatened for the last couple years and even told him to his face I was staying for the kids at this point and that I would not tolerate this much longer as he was stealing food out of our own sons mouths.. My ex would throw stuff around the house and have a fit if I refused to buy him beer to the point where he would sit in the room and throw a pity party till I gave in to him. We went from couch to couch for 6 months because I could not afford to sustain his lifestyle with my job. NOW since leaving him he claims that he is in counseling for anger management and going to AA meetings and that he has not drank since the night I left him he is assisting coaching the high school football team and even got a job but not full time and is still looking for steady employment. I had to get a restraining order against him within the first two weeks of our split as he went crazy and tried to take my son away from me and was threatening all kinds of crazy off the wall stuff.. I have since started talking to someone and thought I was happy until my ex started texting me again and telling me that he has changed begging me to give him another chance claiming that he has changed. I was happy dating this other guy with no thoughts of my ex but now I look at my ex and see that he is trying to change and feel anger towards him as I don't understand why he would wait till now.. When I had to pack up my whole life and move away from him and take our son. I am still in love with my ex as he is the father of my son and before the alcohol he was a great guy.. I don't know what to do has he really changed or is it just another lie that he is telling me ( was a huge problem when he was drinking for 4 years never got the truth from him).. I am lost and troubled because I really adore the guy I am dating he is great with my son and does everything for me.. yet I still find myself thinking about my alcoholic ex constantly I can't distinguish whether its anger or love towards him whether I should give him another chance. or will getting back with him just enable him to go back to his old ways. How long does it really take for an alcoholic to recover... Please offer me some insight
To thine own self be true.
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Hi CainJ 
to SR
Recovery is not an event. Recovery is a process. So, the answer to your question is, a lifetime.
Having been surrounded by alcoholics and addicts my entire life, I can confidently say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I can also safely say that a couple of weeks without taking a drink, some anger management classes, and a few AA meetings mean nothing.
You sound like you were successfully moving on from the chaos and sickness and getting comfortable in your new life, when this person comes knocking on your door, basically saying, "Hey! Forget about who you thought I was these past 6 years! I am now a completely different person and all of a sudden I care about you and our relationship, even though all your experience with me tells you I do not care."
I say, don't fall for it CainJ. Alcoholics and addicts don't fix themselves over night. Keep making yourself as comfortable as possible, spending time with healthy, positive, supportive people, and allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of this relationship you so obviously have worked hard on. You do not need to be supporting any other adult to manage the basics of daily life.
More will be revealed. Don't jump back into the fire.
to SR
How long does it really take for an alcoholic to recover...
Having been surrounded by alcoholics and addicts my entire life, I can confidently say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I can also safely say that a couple of weeks without taking a drink, some anger management classes, and a few AA meetings mean nothing.
You sound like you were successfully moving on from the chaos and sickness and getting comfortable in your new life, when this person comes knocking on your door, basically saying, "Hey! Forget about who you thought I was these past 6 years! I am now a completely different person and all of a sudden I care about you and our relationship, even though all your experience with me tells you I do not care."
I say, don't fall for it CainJ. Alcoholics and addicts don't fix themselves over night. Keep making yourself as comfortable as possible, spending time with healthy, positive, supportive people, and allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of this relationship you so obviously have worked hard on. You do not need to be supporting any other adult to manage the basics of daily life.
More will be revealed. Don't jump back into the fire.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is attempting to manipulate you, you were his meal ticket, his enabler...he liked that.
Recovery is a lifelong committment. It takes a strong recovery program and even stronger will. Less than 10% recover for life, not good odds.
Your child should be your priorty, and, should never be raised in a home where addiction is present, children carry their childhood into adulthood and your son has already inherited the gene that predisposes one to addiction. He has a 50% chance of either becoming an addict himself or maryying one.
Let him go, you have made a new life...live it.
Recovery is a lifelong committment. It takes a strong recovery program and even stronger will. Less than 10% recover for life, not good odds.
Your child should be your priorty, and, should never be raised in a home where addiction is present, children carry their childhood into adulthood and your son has already inherited the gene that predisposes one to addiction. He has a 50% chance of either becoming an addict himself or maryying one.
Let him go, you have made a new life...live it.
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Hello Learn 2 Live
Thank you soooo much that is what I needed to hear I worked so hard to make him better for so many years for our family and so that my son would not have to see his Father like that and he feels that he can just walk right back into my life and it hurts to see that I had to pack my whole life everything that I had including my son in order to get the point across to him that he needed to change. It makes me feel as though going back to him now would only enable him to be what he was before if he truly is better and this is where I am just stuck..Does he just want me back because I was a support for him and he depended on me for everything and is just used to it or is because he truly realizes he messed up.. He apologizes to me everyday and constantly tells me that I am beautiful and that he messed up and he was an idiot.. I also have to take into consideration I got with him when I was 21 and he had a 3 year old.. He is 15 years older than me I am 26 now about to be 27...I feel like I spent all my 20's taking care of him and his son until I had my own.. I guess its just hard to move on from a habit that you have come acquired too as my Mother was an alcoholic too and I took care of her since I was 13 picking her up off the floor and putting out burning ciggerrates every night.. I guess I just need that re assurance that I am doing the right thing for my son and I
Thank you soooo much that is what I needed to hear I worked so hard to make him better for so many years for our family and so that my son would not have to see his Father like that and he feels that he can just walk right back into my life and it hurts to see that I had to pack my whole life everything that I had including my son in order to get the point across to him that he needed to change. It makes me feel as though going back to him now would only enable him to be what he was before if he truly is better and this is where I am just stuck..Does he just want me back because I was a support for him and he depended on me for everything and is just used to it or is because he truly realizes he messed up.. He apologizes to me everyday and constantly tells me that I am beautiful and that he messed up and he was an idiot.. I also have to take into consideration I got with him when I was 21 and he had a 3 year old.. He is 15 years older than me I am 26 now about to be 27...I feel like I spent all my 20's taking care of him and his son until I had my own.. I guess its just hard to move on from a habit that you have come acquired too as my Mother was an alcoholic too and I took care of her since I was 13 picking her up off the floor and putting out burning ciggerrates every night.. I guess I just need that re assurance that I am doing the right thing for my son and I
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Thank you Dolly Do this is exactly what I needed I am so glad I found this site... I don't know why I doubted myself guess you get used to being manipulated and used from a person and its a habit that I have to break
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CainJ,
What a sweetheart you seem to be, enabling everybody from your mother to the father of your son.
I think what you have learned is that children have to come first. So keep that your priority. Give your son a good life, and make everybody else third, fourth, and hundreth. The only other person that matters the most besides your son is yourself. You simply can't be a good mother if you aren't taking care of yourself.
On that note, there is no emergency about getting back together with your alcoholic, even if he is completely sincere. This is best for everybody involved. The alcoholic needs to learn to take care of himself before he can take care of your son, or be in a relationship with you, or somebody else. So there is no reason to feel that you have to react to his request for reconciliation. He is going to need time alone to readjust his thinking, and alone is the best place for him right now. So don't let him think you need to do anything right now besides what you are doing.
I look at it this way--the only emergency in life is stopping children from running out in front of cars, and similar. Let adults take care of themselves.
Your alcoholic needs to prove the words he has recently spoken, and that is going to take time, at least a year of sobriety. Don't let him make you feel you have to cave in before that time. In a year, if sober, many things may change in both your feelings too. Either one of you, or both of you, may no longer desire this relationship, and that is ok.
You made all the right decisions except for one. You don't need to be dating during this time. You know this at some level. You are quite capable of having enough confidence in yourself as a person, secure in your own skin, without having a man at your side. Take on that additional challenge, and prove to yourself that you are ok being just you, alone, for awhile. It is another form of growth that you need.
What a sweetheart you seem to be, enabling everybody from your mother to the father of your son.
I think what you have learned is that children have to come first. So keep that your priority. Give your son a good life, and make everybody else third, fourth, and hundreth. The only other person that matters the most besides your son is yourself. You simply can't be a good mother if you aren't taking care of yourself.
On that note, there is no emergency about getting back together with your alcoholic, even if he is completely sincere. This is best for everybody involved. The alcoholic needs to learn to take care of himself before he can take care of your son, or be in a relationship with you, or somebody else. So there is no reason to feel that you have to react to his request for reconciliation. He is going to need time alone to readjust his thinking, and alone is the best place for him right now. So don't let him think you need to do anything right now besides what you are doing.
I look at it this way--the only emergency in life is stopping children from running out in front of cars, and similar. Let adults take care of themselves.
Your alcoholic needs to prove the words he has recently spoken, and that is going to take time, at least a year of sobriety. Don't let him make you feel you have to cave in before that time. In a year, if sober, many things may change in both your feelings too. Either one of you, or both of you, may no longer desire this relationship, and that is ok.
You made all the right decisions except for one. You don't need to be dating during this time. You know this at some level. You are quite capable of having enough confidence in yourself as a person, secure in your own skin, without having a man at your side. Take on that additional challenge, and prove to yourself that you are ok being just you, alone, for awhile. It is another form of growth that you need.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I like this thought process:
Talk is cheap. Cons are easy. Action requires committment.
You took the right action because you are comitted to your sons well-being and safety.
You are in a good place...stay there.
Talk is cheap. Cons are easy. Action requires committment.
You took the right action because you are comitted to your sons well-being and safety.
You are in a good place...stay there.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Key West, Florida
Posts: 8
Thank you Made of Glass I agree my son is my first priority and always will be he is absolutely amazing.. As far as the dating someone I am sure you are right as I did not mean to meet this guy it just kind of happened. I am still weary about the whole situation as I know that my main focus is my son and making sure that he is raised in a healthy environment and is learning something new everyday.. I truly am happy that I have left my ex right now because I was miserable and got tired of constantly begging him to do stuff with me just to be constantly denied... I think that is why I fell for this new guy as he is always dying to be near me or go somewhere with me and it made me feel good about myself when in all reality my son is the only thing I need to know that I am a good person and am doing the right thing.. Thank you
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by CainJ031486 
Hello Learn 2 Live
Thank you soooo much that is what I needed to hear I worked so hard to make him better for so many years for our family and so that my son would not have to see his Father like that and he feels that he can just walk right back into my life and it hurts to see that I had to pack my whole life everything that I had including my son in order to get the point across to him that he needed to change. It makes me feel as though going back to him now would only enable him to be what he was before if he truly is better and this is where I am just stuck..Does he just want me back because I was a support for him and he depended on me for everything and is just used to it or is because he truly realizes he messed up.. He apologizes to me everyday and constantly tells me that I am beautiful and that he messed up and he was an idiot.. I also have to take into consideration I got with him when I was 21 and he had a 3 year old.. He is 15 years older than me I am 26 now about to be 27...I feel like I spent all my 20's taking care of him and his son until I had my own.. I guess its just hard to move on from a habit that you have come acquired too as my Mother was an alcoholic too and I took care of her since I was 13 picking her up off the floor and putting out burning ciggerrates every night.. I guess I just need that re assurance that I am doing the right thing for my son and I
Thank you soooo much that is what I needed to hear I worked so hard to make him better for so many years for our family and so that my son would not have to see his Father like that and he feels that he can just walk right back into my life and it hurts to see that I had to pack my whole life everything that I had including my son in order to get the point across to him that he needed to change. It makes me feel as though going back to him now would only enable him to be what he was before if he truly is better and this is where I am just stuck..Does he just want me back because I was a support for him and he depended on me for everything and is just used to it or is because he truly realizes he messed up.. He apologizes to me everyday and constantly tells me that I am beautiful and that he messed up and he was an idiot.. I also have to take into consideration I got with him when I was 21 and he had a 3 year old.. He is 15 years older than me I am 26 now about to be 27...I feel like I spent all my 20's taking care of him and his son until I had my own.. I guess its just hard to move on from a habit that you have come acquired too as my Mother was an alcoholic too and I took care of her since I was 13 picking her up off the floor and putting out burning ciggerrates every night.. I guess I just need that re assurance that I am doing the right thing for my son and I
Talk is cheap CainJ. Especially coming from an alcoholic. When dealing with other people, always focus on the BEHAVIORS, not their words. When dealing with anyone, if you get conflicting information, that is a big warning signal to stay away. The fact that you do not know whether or not he means what he says is YOUR INSTINCTS. Learn to trust them. My instincts have never failed me. They are there to protect us.
Yes, losing love is so very painful. I am going through it now, for IDK, the 9th time in my life! It is painful but pain instructs. Take the opportunity to feel the pain and investigate yourself, look for what it is about you that is causing you pain. I highly recommend you attend some Al-Anon meetings to start investigating you and getting to know yourself better. Having an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional parent affects us all in ways we are not aware of until the way we do things stop working for us. Caretaking a full-grown adult eventually stops working for all of us and the crazymaking of the alcoholic wears us down.
You have so done the right thing by leaving! Do not second-guess yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that you are strong and capable and smart, and have made the right decision. Don't let anybody talk you into going against what you know is right. Good people will support you in your decisions. Leave the rest behind.
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Join Date: May 2012
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CainJ,
One of the many reasons that you don't need to date right now is that you are very vulnerable. This new man has his own selfish motivations, no matter how sweet he may be. It is also necessary that we become strong in our own skin by ourselves so that we are able to create strong boundaries so that we are never used again. You have not yet created these strong boundaries and are susceptible to the desires and will of others. I say this with your best interests truly at heart. Learning boundaries that are good for us is a skill, like any other. Until we learn that skill, we are truly vulnerable.
One of the many reasons that you don't need to date right now is that you are very vulnerable. This new man has his own selfish motivations, no matter how sweet he may be. It is also necessary that we become strong in our own skin by ourselves so that we are able to create strong boundaries so that we are never used again. You have not yet created these strong boundaries and are susceptible to the desires and will of others. I say this with your best interests truly at heart. Learning boundaries that are good for us is a skill, like any other. Until we learn that skill, we are truly vulnerable.
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Learn 2 Live
You have brought tears to my eyes in a good way I knew that what I was doing was right i just wish the right thing didn't hurt so badly... I think its the realization that I loved and supported him for all those years and got nothing from him in return as far as love or support. I tried so hard to keep our family together for him to just not care enough to even try.. I have thought about al-anon before and am strongly considering it now as I feel that it could be a positive for me to be around other people in the same situation as I am and was in.. I realize that some days are going to be harder than others and that the pain gets easier to deal with as time goes by I just wish my heart would realize that my head is right and to move on and forget about him completely
You have brought tears to my eyes in a good way I knew that what I was doing was right i just wish the right thing didn't hurt so badly... I think its the realization that I loved and supported him for all those years and got nothing from him in return as far as love or support. I tried so hard to keep our family together for him to just not care enough to even try.. I have thought about al-anon before and am strongly considering it now as I feel that it could be a positive for me to be around other people in the same situation as I am and was in.. I realize that some days are going to be harder than others and that the pain gets easier to deal with as time goes by I just wish my heart would realize that my head is right and to move on and forget about him completely
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by CainJ031486
Learn 2 Live
You have brought tears to my eyes in a good way I knew that what I was doing was right i just wish the right thing didn't hurt so badly... I think its the realization that I loved and supported him for all those years and got nothing from him in return as far as love or support. I tried so hard to keep our family together for him to just not care enough to even try.. I have thought about al-anon before and am strongly considering it now as I feel that it could be a positive for me to be around other people in the same situation as I am and was in.. I realize that some days are going to be harder than others and that the pain gets easier to deal with as time goes by I just wish my heart would realize that my head is right and to move on and forget about him completely
You have brought tears to my eyes in a good way I knew that what I was doing was right i just wish the right thing didn't hurt so badly... I think its the realization that I loved and supported him for all those years and got nothing from him in return as far as love or support. I tried so hard to keep our family together for him to just not care enough to even try.. I have thought about al-anon before and am strongly considering it now as I feel that it could be a positive for me to be around other people in the same situation as I am and was in.. I realize that some days are going to be harder than others and that the pain gets easier to deal with as time goes by I just wish my heart would realize that my head is right and to move on and forget about him completely
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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P.S. I just want to point out something else to you. I got to the place where you are when I was age 29. You are 27 and that is awesome that you have gotten to where you are so young! First, you still have 3 years of your 20s to make up for lost time. No, that doesn't mean grab some booze and some pot and party it up. It means focus on your SELF, your self-betterment, your self-improvement. Have you finished a college degree yet? Have you investigated the kinds of job you really love? Have you taken the trip to the faraway place you've always wanted to visit? Start making your bucket list and focus on all the things you have wanted to do but haven't done yet.
Second, I've also found that around the turn of each decade of my life, something in me forces a significant change in my life and the way I live it. I think that is where you are right now. It's nothing to do with love, or disappointment, it's everything to do with you taking control of your life and making the decisions for your life that you KNOW are the best for you and your child. Have confidence in your decision-making. You are the director of your life and it sounds to me like you are fed up with having all that dead-weight hanging onto you. Break free girl!!! I am happy for you.
Second, I've also found that around the turn of each decade of my life, something in me forces a significant change in my life and the way I live it. I think that is where you are right now. It's nothing to do with love, or disappointment, it's everything to do with you taking control of your life and making the decisions for your life that you KNOW are the best for you and your child. Have confidence in your decision-making. You are the director of your life and it sounds to me like you are fed up with having all that dead-weight hanging onto you. Break free girl!!! I am happy for you.
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Thank you so much for all the insight you have no idea how much you have enlightened my day with your words... I have been through a lot in my twenties and actually have not drank since I was 22 in an effort to get my ex to stop... I actually since leaving my ex signed up for college for the spring. I work as an assistant officer to the president of a bank that pays well enough to support me and my son here in Key Wets, but they would like to groom me to be there HR Manager so I am working towards a degree in Human Resources... I have been through alot in my twenties and can't wait for my thirties to get here. I was laid off from an environmental job here and took a $10.00/ hour pay cut at 22 , my dear Mother died suddenly from a Brain Aneurysm when I was 23.. That is how I got the courage to leave my ex I told myself if I can live without my Mother then I can live without him and I feel her presence telling me that I am right in my decision still very hard to deal with though, I also was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids and then at 25 I had my beautiful son that is my world and a true blessing from god and my mother... From all of this I have learned that no matter what life throws at you there is a reason and there is a path that you must choose with every decision... Life is like a labyrinth you never know where your going till you find your way out... You are an amazing person Learn 2 Live for all that you have been through and I appreciate that you take the time to give people like me the strength to move forward another day
Thank you so much for all the insight you have no idea how much you have enlightened my day with your words... I have been through a lot in my twenties and actually have not drank since I was 22 in an effort to get my ex to stop... I actually since leaving my ex signed up for college for the spring. I work as an assistant officer to the president of a bank that pays well enough to support me and my son here in Key Wets, but they would like to groom me to be there HR Manager so I am working towards a degree in Human Resources... I have been through alot in my twenties and can't wait for my thirties to get here. I was laid off from an environmental job here and took a $10.00/ hour pay cut at 22 , my dear Mother died suddenly from a Brain Aneurysm when I was 23.. That is how I got the courage to leave my ex I told myself if I can live without my Mother then I can live without him and I feel her presence telling me that I am right in my decision still very hard to deal with though, I also was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids and then at 25 I had my beautiful son that is my world and a true blessing from god and my mother... From all of this I have learned that no matter what life throws at you there is a reason and there is a path that you must choose with every decision... Life is like a labyrinth you never know where your going till you find your way out... You are an amazing person Learn 2 Live for all that you have been through and I appreciate that you take the time to give people like me the strength to move forward another day
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by CainJ031486
Learn 2 Live Thank you so much for all the insight you have no idea how much you have enlightened my day with your words...
I needed that today.
I have been through a lot in my twenties and actually have not drank since I was 22 in an effort to get my ex to stop...
I actually since leaving my ex signed up for college for the spring.
I work as an assistant officer to the president of a bank that pays well enough to support me and my son here in Key Wets, but they would like to groom me to be there HR Manager so I am working towards a degree in Human Resources...
I have been through alot in my twenties and can't wait for my thirties to get here. I was laid off from an environmental job here and took a $10.00/ hour pay cut at 22 , my dear Mother died suddenly from a Brain Aneurysm when I was 23.. That is how I got the courage to leave my ex I told myself if I can live without my Mother then I can live without him and I feel her presence telling me that I am right in my decision still very hard to deal with though, I also was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids and then at 25 I had my beautiful son that is my world and a true blessing from god and my mother... From all of this I have learned that no matter what life throws at you there is a reason and there is a path that you must choose with every decision... Life is like a labyrinth you never know where your going till you find your way out...
You are an amazing person Learn 2 Live for all that you have been through and I appreciate that you take the time to give people like me the strength to move forward another day
And I'm jealous you are in Key West!!!
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So I made the mistake of talking to him this weekend because his parents were in town and they wanted to see the baby and he went ballistic started yelling these lies and now I realize why I left him in the first place it was actually a breath of fresh air and to think I almost fell for it again.. I must be crazy
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