outtolunch

Change your phone number.

dbh

My dad was the alcoholic in my life. He drank almost his entire life, but was forced to stop when placed in a nursing home. He developed dementia in his late 60's (which I think was due to his alcoholism).

Anyway, when he stopped drinking he had terrible anxiety issues. I remember wondering whether he was self-medicating all those years. At that point in his life it was too late to determine cause and effect.

I also have a brother, who doesn't drink, but is struggling with mental illness.

At one point I remember feeling that I could accept a mental illness easier than I could alcoholism. Perhaps there was a part of me that still doesn't believe that alcoholism is "disease" and truly outside of someone's control. Deep down I still feel that my dad just needed "will power" to give up drinking.

However, with mental illness that's something you can't control! Doesn't that mean you have to be more understanding? Doesn't that mean that you HAVE to help?

After struggling with this for awhile, I too came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter.

Totally agree that "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable."

Also, weather it's addiction or mental-illness the desire to get well has to come from within. Both are very personal struggles. Short of institutionalizing someone - you can't force an addict to give up their drug of choice and you can't force someone to take medication and/or seek therapy.

As a co-dependent I find this fact sad at times, but the healthy part of me realizes that is the way that it has to be. We have to give others the dignity to control their own lives and destiny.

When I was struggling with whether to "save" my brother (whatever I thought that meant) I watch "The Soloist" and it really helped me see the futility and madness in trying to make someone conform to the life you think they should have.

Keep coming back!

Best Wishes,

db

aboutdone

I don't mean to sound rude or lack empathy, but seriously what is wrong with you??

I don't care what is wrong with her. You shouldn't care what is wrong with her. She has shown who she is, that is all we need to know.

We can not diagnose people with true diagnosis, we can not fix people, unless we have a doctorate in that degree, and that said person wants help.

We CAN fix ourselves. We CAN become stronger and healthier.

You could spend years trying to diagnose her, or try to figure out what you think it is, or try to find a way to enable her, by saying "Well, she has other issues, thats why she does it".....come on. Seriously Stop.

If you must have a reason for why she tried to jump out of the car, while not being intoxicated, here it is. Plain and Simple.

An alcoholic in recovery sometimes doesn't reach full brain capacity (brain fog lifted) for up to 18 months after gaining sobriety. Just because a person is not actively drinking at the moment, or today, doesn't mean they aren't under the influence. That would be my bet. A person who quits drinking without going through the steps or some sort of rehab, is simply not an active alcoholic. There is a difference between a recovering alcoholic and one that is simply not drinking for awhile.

One that is not drinking, still has alcoholic thoughts. They usually, not always, but often will hold resentments for the reason why they are not drinking. It may be against the person that told them to quit drinking or they were leaving. It could be against themselves for not understanding why they can't just have a drink and walk away. Whatever the reason they hold resentments, they usually will end up drinking again, because they as a PERSON have not healed mind, body and soul.

Alright, probably more deeper than what you asked for, but there is millions of people in this world. You can't save any single one of them from themselves but you certainly can find 1 out of the millions that is not caught up in this lovely disease.

aboutdone

I guess I look at things from the point of view of where I am too. I have a meth addicted step daughter, who I have cut all ties with. Yet there is her Father, and various other people coming into her life that want to be her "friend". They want to be there for her, help her, be someone for her to vent how horrible her life has been. They want to be the one that makes it all better. Right?

These people are causing road blocks on her way to the bottom. They are a big part of the reason of why she hasn't hit bottom and even had a CHANCE to find out who and what she really is. Until she hits that bottom, SHE can't make the choice to be different.

I personally don't think this so called "friend" of yours needs your help. I think she may need to be left on her own, and let her find her way. If she likes abusive men, and thats not you, well then you won't last long anyways.

Oprah once said "life lessons are repeated until they are learned". I believe that in its entirety. Your friend has to learn her life lessons, and you can't teach them to her. Its a self taught thing....

sugarbear1

For me, when I drank, everything I did or didn't do was based on fear. I feared getting well, I feared success, I feared me. Fear ran my life.

Alcohol was my "solution" to living in my own skin. Every time I tried to stop or to stay stopped, I was gripped by fear.

It's not a nice place to be. Everything had to get bad enough for me to attempt working the steps of AA.

I can't answer for your friend.

Love & hugs,

Cyranoak

... It doesn't mean anything, and it is from the vernacular of the codependent along with some other words and phrases like:

• Should
• If only he/she would/would not...
• Help
• Support
• Protect
• Save
• Clean up
• Fix
• Pay
• Lend
• He'll quit when the baby comes
• She'll quit when she gets pregnant

Ugh. I have to stop and go throw up now.

Cyranoak

CeciliaV

I think it does vary from person to person. For my AH, he has been self-medicating in some form or another for decades. He left home at 15, had a lot of unsettled issues & drug usage in his past, and since quitting smoking pot, he has been self-medicating with alcohol instead. There is some alcohol and drug abuse history in his family, but there's also been a lot of dysfunction. Not sure which came first or if it really matters. For him to truly be healthy and whole, he needs to address his mental health issues and his alcoholism. I turned a blind eye to both his addictive behavior/personality and his issues for longer than I care to admit, perhaps because I have my own issues to deal with as well.

ZiggyB

I did the same thing... I know my axbf had mental health issues as well as the drinking. He needed treatment of some kind which he refused to get and I was clinging to shreds of hope that he would be able to handle it on his own (that didn't work). Now I have to figure out why I stayed, I think perhaps low self-esteem or fear of being alone. I plan to talk to a therapist about it.

Titanic

A "normie" asked Fairy Godmother if a very appealing love interest was just an A or one with extra bells and whistles. Good question, she said, your wish is granted! You're a lil' "codie" now.