Advice on nc
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Advice on nc
I know I need to go NC for my sanity and peace of mind. We have a few practical financial issues to sort but that should be done by eat November.
In the meantime, I want to protect myself and not get sucked back in but I want to be me. I want to be courteous, kind but guarded.
So, if on the back of text or message about practical matter, my. ABF asks 'how are you', how should I respond, if at all?
I am aware I may be holding on to contact myself but I'm genuinely trying to move on but I want to do it in a way I can make peace with myself.
Once I get to nov and things are sorted, I feel I can remind my x that I told him I wanted NC until he had been at least one year sober (his behaviour has told me this is looking highly unlikely) but struggling with the 'rules' til then.
In the meantime, I want to protect myself and not get sucked back in but I want to be me. I want to be courteous, kind but guarded.
So, if on the back of text or message about practical matter, my. ABF asks 'how are you', how should I respond, if at all?
I am aware I may be holding on to contact myself but I'm genuinely trying to move on but I want to do it in a way I can make peace with myself.
Once I get to nov and things are sorted, I feel I can remind my x that I told him I wanted NC until he had been at least one year sober (his behaviour has told me this is looking highly unlikely) but struggling with the 'rules' til then.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
If you see a hook, avoid it.
A hook for me would be a question that leads to another question.
Like this, how are you???
Good to hear, what have you been doing???? i'm fine thanks for asking.
Oh Cool, what are you having for dinner????
It's going somewhere, but every question you answer , you are engaging, and that is what he wants you to do.
A hook for me would be a question that leads to another question.
Like this, how are you???
Good to hear, what have you been doing???? i'm fine thanks for asking.
Oh Cool, what are you having for dinner????
It's going somewhere, but every question you answer , you are engaging, and that is what he wants you to do.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
It gets easier. If you're using an attorney to settle your financial matters, all communication can go through him/her. I changed my phone number so AM couldn't reach me, but I know that since you have things that still need sorting out, that's not a very feasible option right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
You sound strong in your resolve and self aware of your weakness. For me I have decided to take each communication as it comes. If I feel strong I might answer the text. If I know I have been having a difficult time I will distract myself from obsessing about it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
If you see a hook, avoid it.
A hook for me would be a question that leads to another question.
Like this, how are you???
Good to hear, what have you been doing???? i'm fine thanks for asking.
Oh Cool, what are you having for dinner????
It's going somewhere, but every question you answer , you are engaging, and that is what he wants you to do.
A hook for me would be a question that leads to another question.
Like this, how are you???
Good to hear, what have you been doing???? i'm fine thanks for asking.
Oh Cool, what are you having for dinner????
It's going somewhere, but every question you answer , you are engaging, and that is what he wants you to do.
My experience is that the kindest and most gracious thing to do, for both of you, is to keep correspondence brief, to the point, and on topic. Ignore everything else.
Also you do not remind him of no contact in Nov. You show him what no contact looks like by never contacting him and never responding.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
I used to feel mean about the whole NC thing...... now I feel that I am being mean to myself if I don't do it. By keeping it, I see it as a sign of my strength now.
If you let people, they will hang on forever.....(often keeping you around and/or using you as the backup girl/guy and/or life preserver) and this does nothing for either of you. By using NC, both parties are able to see how living without the other is possible and more than likely preferable. I went back and forth, back and forth with my ex FOR YEARS. After this last NC attempt, I have held strong because I just can't go back..... we are waaaay tooooo toxic for each other, so NC is the only answer for me. This is the most loving thing I can do for ME.
If you let people, they will hang on forever.....(often keeping you around and/or using you as the backup girl/guy and/or life preserver) and this does nothing for either of you. By using NC, both parties are able to see how living without the other is possible and more than likely preferable. I went back and forth, back and forth with my ex FOR YEARS. After this last NC attempt, I have held strong because I just can't go back..... we are waaaay tooooo toxic for each other, so NC is the only answer for me. This is the most loving thing I can do for ME.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you for all your messages. I am conscious he is trying to come up with excuses to keep contact and as hard as it is, I know that isn't helping me move on. I don't think it's malicious or manipulative, it's just selfish but it doesn't really matter, the result is the same. Am going to take it as it comes and focus on what's best for me first and foremost. One day at a time...
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