onceuponadream

So I am trying to work on what my boundaries are while we're still living together, because I'm not fully prepared to leave...I'm not even sure if that's the direction I'm headed...but the thing that affects me the most with his drinking is the fact that I fear going to bed at night...I'm afraid that I'm going to be woken up by an angry, drunk person screaming in my face about some crazy thing he's concocted in his mind (and probably wont even remember tomorrow)...I'd really like to tell him not to come into our room at all during the night and to move into the basement unless he is working on his recovery (which he's not right now)...but I'm afraid I'm going to buckle under the response I feel like I'm going to get, which will probably be "well I've been trying to cut back lately" and "I should be able to sleep in there if I have only had a few...that's ridiculous" ...etc...I know he's going to have a million reasons why that is ridiculous for me to tell him not to share our room anymore...is this a realistic boundary for me to try and keep? and how do I figure out how to stand my ground when he's huffing and puffing about it ?

Katiekate

I'm afraid that I'm going to be woken up by an angry, drunk person screaming in my face about some crazy thing he's concocted in his mind (and probably wont even remember tomorrow)...

Please read this agian, your words, you are afraid, he is going to come into your room, in the middle of the night, and terrorize you,.

That is not a situation that I would be willing to deal with.

Better buy a good lock.

Just tell him it's off limits for him to come in, it's a boundry.

What will be the consequenses if he does enter.

MsPINKAcres

hmm - well what I found out when I was living with my now exah & he was active in his disease ~ no matter what boundary I asked HIM to agree to - he usually crossed it.

So My sponsor & I worked out a plan about what was safe for me -

when he was drinking/drugging & it was a safe place for me to sleep at nite - I would either lock the door to the bedroom or simply get in my vehicle & go somewhere else for the nite.

I slept many nites with my keys, cell phone & purse under my pillow so that I could leave at a moments notice - I learned to keep emergency cash & a change of clothes in my vehicle w/ an over nite bag backed & ready at all times -

Which by the way was being prepared, but also a very sad way to live -
For me, I'm very grateful my life doesn't involve that type of stress anymore -

Wishing the best for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita

dollydo

Bounderies made and not enforced are only idle threats, they turn over the power to the "A", and make everything worse. It's better to not make a boundry that you have no intention of keeping.

He knows how to play you, he is a master manipulator, work on you, learn all you can about codependency, enabling, obsessive behavior, addiction and bounderies there is a vast pool of information on these topics, just search the net...get to those meetings, read others posts and keep posting...it will help.

LaTeeDa

Boundaries are not rules that the other person has to follow. Boundaries are what you will not accept and enforcing boundaries involves doing whatever you need to do when the unacceptable occurs. Telling him he can't sleep in your room is not a boundary. Locking the door is a boundary. Removing yourself to another room is a boundary. Leaving the house and sleeping somewhere else is a boundary. Only the things you have control over are boundaries.

L

dandylion

Your boundry is for YOU. You don't have to explain or defend it. If he doesn't like it or huffs and puffs---that is up to him. Of COURSE, he won't like it!

But, he can stay mad till he gets glad.

dandylion

EnglishGarden

Is it a one-bedroom house?

If there is a second bedroom, a least move yourself in there, with a good lock on the door, and a cell phone, for a while.

If it is the only "family" bedroom, and you wage a kind of war about who gets to sleep in it, I worry for your emotional and perhaps physical well-being. Angry alcoholics have lost their inhibitions, all of them, and that includes being able to inhibit whether or not they will strike down another person.

The domestic violence line is 1-800-799-SAFE. Use it if he threatens violence or hits you. And call the police if he hits you, too. I did, many years ago. My AH was a bright, well-educated college professor who became a dark aggressor when drunk.

It only took one assault and I was gone. From the house. And from the marriage. I would not live with a violent man. I knew it would happen again. I knew it, and I had never read a book on abuse or ever seen a counselor. I just knew.

Your situation sounds very dire.

djayr

I found it easier to sleep in another room, than to get AW to sleep in another room. I told her we were "roommates"...it sucked, and eventually I moved out. It's so hard to get her to do anything, she seems to automatically do the opposite of anything that she is "ordered" to do. I found if I want her to do something (ie stay out of the bedroom), the one thing that wouldn't work, is to tell her she CAN'T. God knows what makes someone so rebellious about taking orders or even suggestions.

ZiggyB

I don't know what to tell you but I can certainly empathize. I got woken up in the middle of the night once about a sweatshirt I had left on the floor and then when I got angry at this ridiculous act I was accused of being the unreasonable one. That was actually our last night together. :-/