Do I say something?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Do I say something?
Disclaimer: please don't tell me to leave.
Ok so my abf has been drinking again. I have been working on detachment but at the same time-I want him to know I know that he is drinking. I used to not be able to tell when he drank-but now I can. I want to let him make his own idiot choices, but at the same time I want him to know I'm not stupid and he isn't pulling anything over on me. How do I let him know I know without it becoming a huge deal?
Ok so my abf has been drinking again. I have been working on detachment but at the same time-I want him to know I know that he is drinking. I used to not be able to tell when he drank-but now I can. I want to let him make his own idiot choices, but at the same time I want him to know I'm not stupid and he isn't pulling anything over on me. How do I let him know I know without it becoming a huge deal?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
I didn't have to say anything to let my husband know that I had noticed he was drinking. I just had to give him a look and that's all it took. Then I did my best to ignore him.
It was no use trying to talk to a drunk. He would get upset, I would get upset, and the next day he wouldn't remember anything anyway while I was left with the bad memories. So I refused to get into any discussions with him when he was drinking.
And if I tried to talk to him about drinking while he was sober, he'd get drunk again soon afterwards and use me or the stress of talking about it as his excuse.
It was no use trying to talk to a drunk. He would get upset, I would get upset, and the next day he wouldn't remember anything anyway while I was left with the bad memories. So I refused to get into any discussions with him when he was drinking.
And if I tried to talk to him about drinking while he was sober, he'd get drunk again soon afterwards and use me or the stress of talking about it as his excuse.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Kate5858 
Disclaimer: please don't tell me to leave.
Ok so my abf has been drinking again. I have been working on detachment but at the same time-I want him to know I know that he is drinking. I used to not be able to tell when he drank-but now I can. I want to let him make his own idiot choices, but at the same time I want him to know I'm not stupid and he isn't pulling anything over on me. How do I let him know I know without it becoming a huge deal?
Ok so my abf has been drinking again. I have been working on detachment but at the same time-I want him to know I know that he is drinking. I used to not be able to tell when he drank-but now I can. I want to let him make his own idiot choices, but at the same time I want him to know I'm not stupid and he isn't pulling anything over on me. How do I let him know I know without it becoming a huge deal?
Do you have any support in place for yourself? This helped me to get a handle on questions like what you were asking (and yes SR counts).
I did Al-anon, therapy for myself and a bunch of other things. In addition I inhaled books from the library....to learn about my role in this family disease.
When I let my exAH know I knew it just created more tension between us, and honestly gave him an out to continue the behavior...because I was trying to "control" and on my own high horse. It took me a long time, but my "motivation" behind my wanting him to know was usually pretty yucky, like wanting to shame him into better behavior. That took me a bit to learn though.
I did not cause the disease, could not control it and could not cure it, but I certainly contributed my own kind of crazy to it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 15
Hi there, Hypatia is giving you good guidance. In my own brief experience with a father and brother alcoholics getting help for myself whether through counseling or alanon. Helping ourselves first seems to critical in dealing with this disease in our families. Peace to you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
What difference does it make if he knows you know? He's drinking. That's the bottom line. Wanting to tell him you know is just doing the alcoholism dance. Do you think if he knows you know he drank it is going to make any difference?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It gets hard now.
I wanted to tell him because maybe there had been some huge misunderstanding and if he knows I know he'll decide - OK. I will really quit now. Or maybe he didn't really understand how serious this was for me and he'll see how important it is and of course he'll quit for real. Surely he would give up the drinking if only I could get him to understand.
It doesn't really work that way. He knows you don't like it, how serious it is, and at some level he knows you know or will find out......and he chooses to drink anyway. I had to accept the fact that he chose to drink despite my feelings - not because he didn't know them. I had to accept that he was an alcoholic and he would follow the voice of addiction no matter how loud my voice got or what he lost (including me and four kids).
He did find sobriety but not with me. I made it easy to keep drinking. Without me, things got hard *for him* and *his voice* was the only one that could get louder than the addiction. My voice could never reach that level - no matter how hard it got *for me*.
Now the time comes for you to look away from him and at yourself. Change your questions. Tell yourself. "I know he is drinking. What am I going to do about it." "How am I going to take care of myself?" "How do I create peace and happiness in my life?"
I'm not telling you to leave. That is not the only answer but the answer is surely in how you handle yourself, your boundaries, your reactions - not how you handle him or his drinking. The answer to those questions are the only way you'll ever find peace for yourself when addiction is involved.
I wanted to tell him because maybe there had been some huge misunderstanding and if he knows I know he'll decide - OK. I will really quit now. Or maybe he didn't really understand how serious this was for me and he'll see how important it is and of course he'll quit for real. Surely he would give up the drinking if only I could get him to understand.
It doesn't really work that way. He knows you don't like it, how serious it is, and at some level he knows you know or will find out......and he chooses to drink anyway. I had to accept the fact that he chose to drink despite my feelings - not because he didn't know them. I had to accept that he was an alcoholic and he would follow the voice of addiction no matter how loud my voice got or what he lost (including me and four kids).
He did find sobriety but not with me. I made it easy to keep drinking. Without me, things got hard *for him* and *his voice* was the only one that could get louder than the addiction. My voice could never reach that level - no matter how hard it got *for me*.
Now the time comes for you to look away from him and at yourself. Change your questions. Tell yourself. "I know he is drinking. What am I going to do about it." "How am I going to take care of myself?" "How do I create peace and happiness in my life?"
I'm not telling you to leave. That is not the only answer but the answer is surely in how you handle yourself, your boundaries, your reactions - not how you handle him or his drinking. The answer to those questions are the only way you'll ever find peace for yourself when addiction is involved.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Sorry to respond twice. Another really useful tool SR gave me and that I used in situations like this was to
"Play the tape all the way through."
In your minds eye picture yourself walking up to him and saying "I know you are drinking." What happens next? Not the fantasy of what you want to happen (that was hard for me to put aside) but in reality - what do you think would happen next? Then, how would you feel - what would have gained?
That exercise helped me a lot with questions like this because when I really thought about, with the predictable ending and not the fantasy ending, it put things in a whole new light.
"Play the tape all the way through."
In your minds eye picture yourself walking up to him and saying "I know you are drinking." What happens next? Not the fantasy of what you want to happen (that was hard for me to put aside) but in reality - what do you think would happen next? Then, how would you feel - what would have gained?
That exercise helped me a lot with questions like this because when I really thought about, with the predictable ending and not the fantasy ending, it put things in a whole new light.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Ok, so you know he is drinking again. If you point out to him that you know, no doubt he will become aggressive in response. It truly is his business. It's like if you caught him eating cookies if he was trying to lose weight. He's a fully grown adult, is my point.
So, we're back to you, since drinking is his business, what is your business? How do you react in life by knowing that he is drinking again?
My approach in the end was to disregard the drinker. This was difficult as it was painful to set aside the love I had for him. But drunk people have to be disregarded, there is no point in trying to engage, relate, or interact. I had to learn to start living apart from that world, and live in the sober world. Engage, interact, and relate to those that are sober. Seek them out if you don't have enough of them around you. There are two worlds--one in which people do see a great deal of the realities of life, and then there is the worlds in which all kinds of people live in denial (alcoholic or not). Seek out those who don't live in denial, and see where it takes you.
So, we're back to you, since drinking is his business, what is your business? How do you react in life by knowing that he is drinking again?
My approach in the end was to disregard the drinker. This was difficult as it was painful to set aside the love I had for him. But drunk people have to be disregarded, there is no point in trying to engage, relate, or interact. I had to learn to start living apart from that world, and live in the sober world. Engage, interact, and relate to those that are sober. Seek them out if you don't have enough of them around you. There are two worlds--one in which people do see a great deal of the realities of life, and then there is the worlds in which all kinds of people live in denial (alcoholic or not). Seek out those who don't live in denial, and see where it takes you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kate, I have been in your situation. I found out (out of bitter experience) that the only option that I had was to detach as much as I could. That did not make things great or even good. What it did do-- was to eliminate the fighting over whether he had been drinking or not.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I didn't want to leave my ex either... when I said something about his drinking it was when I noticed it getting worse... he would pretend to cut back for a while but usually he would just tell me to shut up about it. He did not want to quit, end of story. I would rather not be in a relationship with an alcoholic. We are not together today, he is still drinking as far as I know and my life is more peaceful.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
What worked best for me was focusing on my side of the street and to let my AW focus on hers. All the times I told her I knew she was drinking or taking pills did nothing for her and kept me from focusing on my issues.
My life got better when I began to focus on my recovery and I let her have the dignity of running her own life.
Your friend,
My life got better when I began to focus on my recovery and I let her have the dignity of running her own life.
Your friend,
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
He wont care either way. What's your motivation? It's not like he'll think "oh god.. she knows.. I better stop this nonsense!". So tell him, it's totally your choice to be OK living with an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by Kate5858
I'm scared. I'm scared his pancreas will kill him. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Im trying to detach but what am i supposed to do? Sit back and watch him kill himself?
How???
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Kate5858
I'm scared. I'm scared his pancreas will kill him. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Im trying to detach but what am i supposed to do? Sit back and watch him kill himself?
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