Hypatia

There comes a point where there really is nothing a person can do. Whether talking about alcoholism or cancer or simple old age, we can only do so much for our loved ones. The hardest is always letting go and accepting that we don't have the power to change the situation.

Learn2Live

Kate5858, I understand you are scared. But WHOSE pancreas is it?? Whose responsibility is HIS pancreas??? And what can you possibly do to protect someone else's pancreas, or liver, or gall bladder, or lungs, or heart? What you are supposed to do is protect your OWN pancreas, liver, gall bladder, lungs, heart, etc. Protect your SELF. Strengthen your SELF. Work on your SELF.

Do you know that if a person comes to my home hungry, I can whip up a gourmet meal in a matter of minutes? And I will go to all sorts of lengths to help this person and fix something for them that they really enjoy? But do you know that alone I will not cook anything for myself, and can barely put food in my own mouth? I literally starve myself. But for two and a half years, while AXBF was living with me, I cooked like a mad woman. FOR HIM. I spent so much money on organic, vegetarian food, and so much time learning new recipes and cooking those new recipes, because his doctor told him he needed to change to a vegetarian diet. But I won't go out and purchase a single vegetable for ME to eat? And can't?

What would you say to me? What do YOU think I should do? Does it make any sense at all to you that I am this way? That I starve myself and neglect myself, and harm myself, but dedicated my life to feeding this man? Because you're likely doing the same thing, just in different ways than I.

suki44883

No, you do not have to sit back and watch him kill himself. You can choose not to do that, but you cannot control what he does. That is where the suggestion of leaving comes in. If he is going to continue to drink, you need to either accept that or move on. There are no other choices, Kate.

Cyranoak

But since you won't leave that's exactly what you are going to have to do. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure his drinking. So what you are going to do, no matter how hard you try to control it, is watch him kill himself.

Unless, of course, you decide not to watch.

Take care. And by take care I mean take care of you.

Cyranoak

P.s. It seems to me you are not attending Alanon. If you are going to stay and watch, as I have chosen to do with my wife who is currently sober of her own doing as I didn't have a damn thing to do with it, it's my opinion that Alanon will make it easier to do so. It won't make it easy necessarily, just easier than it is now.

MsPINKAcres

These are the tools that help me in dealing with active alcoholism & addiction

"Step 1 - WE admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanagable."

the 3 c's

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

As heartbreaking as it is to realize, when you think about all the people that are on SR and all their experiences - there is probably nothing that hasn't been done, said, or tried to "help" our alcoholic/addict loved ones ~ many of us have come to the realization - there is nothing we can do but step back and take care of ourselves - allowing our loved ones the dignity & self-respect to live their lives & walk their own path.

wishing you the best ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Katiekate

[B]As heartbreaking as it is to realize, when you think about all the people that are on SR and all their experiences - there is probably nothing that hasn't been done, said, or tried to "help" our alcoholic/addict loved ones ~ many of us have come to the realization - there is nothing we can do but step back and take care of ourselves - allowing our loved ones the dignity & self-respect to live their lives & walk their own path.[/B]

THis is so important.

This is the most loving thing we can do.

[U]Thank you Rita![/U]

NWGRITS

Ummm... yeah, pretty much. There's nothing you can do, unless you leave, which you've clearly stated you don't want to do. So, you can start going to Al-Anon meetings and learning how to take care of yourself while his disease progresses, or you can continue down the path to hell on earth if you keep trying to "save" him. Since you are choosing to stay, I'd highly recommend the former over the latter.

djayr

The wonderful world of make believe, where the A is drinking and the partner is playing along because saying something will: 1) get them mad, 2) put them in a bad mood, 3) ruin your day/night, and 4) accomplish NOTHING. So play along! And try to detach emotionally, because God knows, the truth hurts so much, you are not going to like how it feels. So find your happy place. His is found drinking, where will you find yours?

I wandered through this world of make believe for 10+ years, and I still visit regularly! It's like the Matrix, it is not real, but if you play along you can live your whole life there.

It's freaking brutal and it messes with your mind. The abnormal will become normal, you will adapt by accommodating his deficiencies, and you will, in your own way, "get used to it". Normal people will have no idea how you are able to do it, and you might not even know...but you will survive.

Speaking from observation of my own case and others, after a while you may get sick of the charade, and you might even find yourself quite angry...and if you're married or have children - trapped.

This is the bus you are riding. It takes a while to realize you are even on it. This board is exposing you to reality much earlier than normal. I was totally naive and it wasn't until a seizure and a near death experience 7 years into it, that I started to figure it out. If I had known during my engagement what I came to learn much later, I don't what I would have done. Love can be intense.

Practical advice, over the years I have written a few honest letters that AW could read in the morning while she was still sober, maybe after I went to work...didn't work any miracles, but a good way to express my feelings with a vague sense that it might be understood. It made me feel better on several occasions anyway.

Lulu39

His pancreas will probably kill him. And that's his choice.

You could ask him to stop drinking because his pancreas will kill him. There's no harm in asking, is there?

I asked my STBXAH to get treatment, he told me to get f@#$ed because I make him drink. It's all my fault.

If you ask, he will probably tell you that it's his pancreas, and not your problem to worry about. Then he'll probably tell you that he drinks because you make him drink.

Ask anyway. His answer may tell you what you need to know.

fourmaggie

do you love to READ?
there is so much to read here, but also i want to recommend Melody Beatties "co dependent no more"...its a good read, i saw myself in those pages, and what an eye opener....

please sit back and OPEN your mind and go to a 12 step program for YOU, its not a selfish thing to do...its the right thing to do..

bamboo10

I am reading codependent no more and have started attending al-anon again. Even If I left I would be watching him kill himself from afar. I knew his Mom before I knew him and would still see her. I am Very close with his family and even if I cut ties with him I wouldn't with them.

Tuffgirl

Your disclaimer made me laugh...and only because some people find the basic suggestion of "if you don't like what you are getting, move along" to be so offensive, but its true.

If you choose to remain in a relationship with an alcoholic, you'll need to learn how to detach from it all, because as others have pointed out, no matter what you try to do, you have no control over him or his choices.

I second Al-Anon, lots of reading, and maybe even therapy where you can learn new tools to help you remain detached. It can be done, but will take a real concerted effort on your part.

None of us who left *wanted to leave*, we just felt we had to - to save ourselves and have the life we wanted. It's a painful process, and having been around this forum long enough - I see the point to counseling people to leave a relationship if it makes them unhappy.

suki44883

Not unless you wanted to. Just because you have contact with his family doesn't mean you have to get information about him. You can be totally oblivious to what he does if you so choose. Why torture yourself?