Alcoholic friend, need some advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
Alcoholic friend, need some advice
My best friend, I've known him for the last 11 years, but the last few have been hard. Just over 3 years ago, he started developing a different behavior when he was drunk, almost like Jekyll and Hide. He started to tell people to **** off, became sloppy and was drinking more often, and more of it. He developed a tick every time he drunk, but everyone assumed it was a phase.
He was getting harder to be around, more abusive etc, but since we all drunk as well, it was hard to say something to him when we all participated in the same activity. The first time he was hospitalized, he had attempted to jump onto a balcony from a car and cracked his head open. The police had to sedate him to get him into the ambulance, I assumed this would help him see that his drinking was becoming a problem, but it somehow was my fault even though I wasn't with him when the incident occurred. He had become not only abusive to me, but to other people when he was drunk. He was only 21 and had been a messy drunk for over a year. He would get into fights whenever we went out and I had taken responsibility as his babysitter, as no one wanted to deal with him. One night we all left the party. leaving him there because, as usual, he refused to come and told us all to **** off. He ended up coming back to my house with blood everywhere, he had pissed someone off and gotten bottled in the face. He shouted abuse when we tried to help him and ran away, again, it was somehow not his fault. A few months afterwards, a few friends and I went on a holiday, where he proceeded to get drunk to oblivion and abused everyone at the campsite. He got arrested and transported back to our hometown, again, my fault because I wouldn't drive him on the 5 hour journey back home. Every time I bought up his actions, he would say "I don't want to talk about it" or shrug it off. One day, he came over with a moon boot. By this time, he had become accustomed to lying about most things and told me he fell over in an elevator. Turns out he got into a fight at a club and kicked out, then kicked a metal bin so hard he broke his foot, again, it was someone elses fault, even after he had gotten trespassed from the bar. he got a partner during this period, and the abuse soon started with this person. I soon moved to Australia, and barely heard from my best friend, and whenever i did, it was a pity party. Two months ago, I came back home to finish my studies. Despite his constant abuse, and talks that I don't deserve to have the the things I do (I shouldn't have good friends, be at uni, or be happy) I love him and want to help him. I encouraged him to peruse his hobbies, heled him with family issues and did everything I could to help him get better, as when I was gone, he had gotten more abusive (beating his partner, no job two years, loosing friends). The first week I was back, he got drunk and punched a wall. He broke his hand, needed surgery, and is in a cast for 3 months. Surely, this would make him see the drink is becoming a problem. Two weeks ago, he punched me, I was used to being pushed around and told to **** off, but he actually hit me. He tried to punch my friend, made a dent in his car, told my Mum to **** off when he tried to help him, tried to fight my brother, made holes throughout my parents house and abused me for 5 hours after I had locked the door to keep him out. I woke up to abusive texts and voicemails, and despite all oft this, I was willing to help him out. I love him and could see he was hurting. I said if we can have an honest conversation about everything, we could sort everything and grow on our friendship. He seemed ok with that, no apologies at all but I assumed that would come with the talk. The next day, more abusive text messages about how I need to sort out my **** and further blaming me for everything. I have exhausted every resource and emotional investment that I have with him. I don't know what to do anymore, even writing this seems so absurd to me, he's 23 and ruining himseld and I can't do anything to stop it. I have only mentioned the major events also, there is so much mroe to this ****** up story. I guess I just wanted to tell someone.
He was getting harder to be around, more abusive etc, but since we all drunk as well, it was hard to say something to him when we all participated in the same activity. The first time he was hospitalized, he had attempted to jump onto a balcony from a car and cracked his head open. The police had to sedate him to get him into the ambulance, I assumed this would help him see that his drinking was becoming a problem, but it somehow was my fault even though I wasn't with him when the incident occurred. He had become not only abusive to me, but to other people when he was drunk. He was only 21 and had been a messy drunk for over a year. He would get into fights whenever we went out and I had taken responsibility as his babysitter, as no one wanted to deal with him. One night we all left the party. leaving him there because, as usual, he refused to come and told us all to **** off. He ended up coming back to my house with blood everywhere, he had pissed someone off and gotten bottled in the face. He shouted abuse when we tried to help him and ran away, again, it was somehow not his fault. A few months afterwards, a few friends and I went on a holiday, where he proceeded to get drunk to oblivion and abused everyone at the campsite. He got arrested and transported back to our hometown, again, my fault because I wouldn't drive him on the 5 hour journey back home. Every time I bought up his actions, he would say "I don't want to talk about it" or shrug it off. One day, he came over with a moon boot. By this time, he had become accustomed to lying about most things and told me he fell over in an elevator. Turns out he got into a fight at a club and kicked out, then kicked a metal bin so hard he broke his foot, again, it was someone elses fault, even after he had gotten trespassed from the bar. he got a partner during this period, and the abuse soon started with this person. I soon moved to Australia, and barely heard from my best friend, and whenever i did, it was a pity party. Two months ago, I came back home to finish my studies. Despite his constant abuse, and talks that I don't deserve to have the the things I do (I shouldn't have good friends, be at uni, or be happy) I love him and want to help him. I encouraged him to peruse his hobbies, heled him with family issues and did everything I could to help him get better, as when I was gone, he had gotten more abusive (beating his partner, no job two years, loosing friends). The first week I was back, he got drunk and punched a wall. He broke his hand, needed surgery, and is in a cast for 3 months. Surely, this would make him see the drink is becoming a problem. Two weeks ago, he punched me, I was used to being pushed around and told to **** off, but he actually hit me. He tried to punch my friend, made a dent in his car, told my Mum to **** off when he tried to help him, tried to fight my brother, made holes throughout my parents house and abused me for 5 hours after I had locked the door to keep him out. I woke up to abusive texts and voicemails, and despite all oft this, I was willing to help him out. I love him and could see he was hurting. I said if we can have an honest conversation about everything, we could sort everything and grow on our friendship. He seemed ok with that, no apologies at all but I assumed that would come with the talk. The next day, more abusive text messages about how I need to sort out my **** and further blaming me for everything. I have exhausted every resource and emotional investment that I have with him. I don't know what to do anymore, even writing this seems so absurd to me, he's 23 and ruining himseld and I can't do anything to stop it. I have only mentioned the major events also, there is so much mroe to this ****** up story. I guess I just wanted to tell someone.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. This is a valuable resource for information and support.
The 3 C's of your friends addiction:
You did not Cause it,
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it.
His addiction belongs to him. He is an adult. He owns this and all the consequences of his actions. He has to want to change for himself before he will make any lasting changes. That is hard to accept when we see a loved one destroying their own life. But the only healthy choice for us, is to accept that we are powerless over alcohol and powerless over another adult's life.
He will need the support and assistance of trained professionals to overcome his addictions, his unacceptable behaviors, and to learn to live life on life's terms as a responsible adult.
Are you a trained professional? If not, it is time to detach from his addiction/life and leave him to his own devices.
It may seem like a cruel thing to say/do, but ask yourself this question: How has your being involved in his life helped his condition? Has he improved and made any lasting changes because of your help and your talks?
It's time to Let Go or Be Dragged.
If you continue to communicate with him after unacceptable outbursts, you are sending the message that: No matter how ****ed up you behave, or how low your life becomes ~ I will still accept you just as you are. That is called enabling. Your acceptance of his unacceptable behavior is enabling him to continue his abusive lifestyle with you sitting in the front row of his drama.
Stick around, we understand and we can offer support based on our own experiences.
Here are some steps that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. This is a valuable resource for information and support.
The 3 C's of your friends addiction:
You did not Cause it,
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it.
His addiction belongs to him. He is an adult. He owns this and all the consequences of his actions. He has to want to change for himself before he will make any lasting changes. That is hard to accept when we see a loved one destroying their own life. But the only healthy choice for us, is to accept that we are powerless over alcohol and powerless over another adult's life.
He will need the support and assistance of trained professionals to overcome his addictions, his unacceptable behaviors, and to learn to live life on life's terms as a responsible adult.
Are you a trained professional? If not, it is time to detach from his addiction/life and leave him to his own devices.
It may seem like a cruel thing to say/do, but ask yourself this question: How has your being involved in his life helped his condition? Has he improved and made any lasting changes because of your help and your talks?
It's time to Let Go or Be Dragged.
If you continue to communicate with him after unacceptable outbursts, you are sending the message that: No matter how ****ed up you behave, or how low your life becomes ~ I will still accept you just as you are. That is called enabling. Your acceptance of his unacceptable behavior is enabling him to continue his abusive lifestyle with you sitting in the front row of his drama.
Stick around, we understand and we can offer support based on our own experiences.
Here are some steps that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Hello Nokia, welcome to SR! You have come to the right place for support, there is much wisdom here, as you can see by what Pelican has posted for you. You cannot do anything to make your friend stop drinking, and if he is abusing you, you should not be around him, even if he is your friend and even though you care for him. My A is a very good friend and former coworker, and I had to understand that there was nothing I could do to help him with his problems, I had to let go of them and also let go of any expectations I had about our friendship.
Please do keep reading and also posting - it definitely helps to tell someone and everyone here is listening. Sending you strength.
Please do keep reading and also posting - it definitely helps to tell someone and everyone here is listening. Sending you strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome. That story reminds me so much of AA's jaywalker story, from p37-38 of the AA Big Book:
In terms of helping your friend, he has to want help first. There is nothing you can do for him except urge him to get help. If he is not ready it won't take. There is another saying in the rooms of AA about newcomers:
Good luck and keep posting.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane.
If they aren't ready, you can't say anything right. If they are ready, you can't say anything wrong.
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