New member- Daughter of Alchoholic Dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 4
New member- Daughter of Alchoholic Dad
Hi everyone,
First off I am so glad I have found this forum, I need people that know what Im going through and sometimes I just need to vent.
Here is my story, I will try not to bore you...
My Dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, he was abusive to my Mum who finally left his after he dragged me up the stairs by the hair aged 3.
We visited him each weekend growing up under supervision from my grandparents. He went through periods of being sober, turned to drungs now and then but always went back to the drink.
The contact I have had with him over the years has varied from seeing him every week to not seeing him for months or even years at a time after a particually bad phase.
I am 24 now and got back in touch with him at christmas after about 9 months or so of no contact at all. He is the sole career for my elderly and disabled Nan which is a joke in itself but she is of sound mind and chooses to stay there.
The last 9 months I have had huge highs and lows and most of these can be linked to how my dad is at the time.
He starts drinking cider, then moves on to vodka, then he has seizures 9alcohol related of course) my nan cant cope and then he winds up in hospital with doctors who look at you like you are crap on the bottom of their shoe for bringing a 'family issue' to their ward. He then goes home and dries out (more seizures follow) for a few days and then goes sober for a couple of weeks until he gives in to the call of the bottles again.
Anyway...
I just rang my nan to check on her (they came round to my house yesterday and seemed fine) and she is in hysterics again because he is drunk and she is scared and doesnt know what to do.
After about 10minutes of listening to her hysterical shouting and crying My phone cut off and I didnt call back.
Thats awful isnt it?
But I dont know what else to do. Even if I go round there nothing will change, he will still be drunk, she still wont leave him and then will be angry at me for leaving her there.
But I have to work 12hour shifts for the next 3 days and Im starting back at university in a week. I cant keep doing this.
I know blocking it out and pretending it isnt happening wont make it go away but I dont have another answer.
Are there other people on here that feel like this too? I feel like im fighting a losing battle.
P.S sorry for the long post :-/
First off I am so glad I have found this forum, I need people that know what Im going through and sometimes I just need to vent.
Here is my story, I will try not to bore you...
My Dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, he was abusive to my Mum who finally left his after he dragged me up the stairs by the hair aged 3.
We visited him each weekend growing up under supervision from my grandparents. He went through periods of being sober, turned to drungs now and then but always went back to the drink.
The contact I have had with him over the years has varied from seeing him every week to not seeing him for months or even years at a time after a particually bad phase.
I am 24 now and got back in touch with him at christmas after about 9 months or so of no contact at all. He is the sole career for my elderly and disabled Nan which is a joke in itself but she is of sound mind and chooses to stay there.
The last 9 months I have had huge highs and lows and most of these can be linked to how my dad is at the time.
He starts drinking cider, then moves on to vodka, then he has seizures 9alcohol related of course) my nan cant cope and then he winds up in hospital with doctors who look at you like you are crap on the bottom of their shoe for bringing a 'family issue' to their ward. He then goes home and dries out (more seizures follow) for a few days and then goes sober for a couple of weeks until he gives in to the call of the bottles again.
Anyway...
I just rang my nan to check on her (they came round to my house yesterday and seemed fine) and she is in hysterics again because he is drunk and she is scared and doesnt know what to do.
After about 10minutes of listening to her hysterical shouting and crying My phone cut off and I didnt call back.
Thats awful isnt it?
But I dont know what else to do. Even if I go round there nothing will change, he will still be drunk, she still wont leave him and then will be angry at me for leaving her there.
But I have to work 12hour shifts for the next 3 days and Im starting back at university in a week. I cant keep doing this.
I know blocking it out and pretending it isnt happening wont make it go away but I dont have another answer.
Are there other people on here that feel like this too? I feel like im fighting a losing battle.
P.S sorry for the long post :-/
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I believe you are doing the right thing- the only thing you can for that matter. It’s a cycle that will repeat. Your nan is and adult and so is your father. They have to make the decision for themselves to stop the cycle. You have the responsibility of taking care of yourself. I think that you are doing great by trying to take care of you. Nothing will change if you go and try to rescue. The only thing that will happen is that you will be involved in the chaos.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. We understand.
One of the first lessons I learned when I arrived was the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the adult with the issue. It appears you are ready to let your AF (alcoholic father) own his addiction and the consequences. Good on You!
You don't have to pretend, or brush aside your feelings about this issue. You can vent/post/read here for support as well as other options.
I found attending Al anon meetings to be helpful. They offered me face-to-face support, they offered me literature to help me focus on my own recovery, and they helped me learn to take control of my own precious life.
Alanon meetings are for Friends and Family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking) and the meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA.
You can find a local group by doing an internet search.
Stick around, we care about you!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. We understand.
One of the first lessons I learned when I arrived was the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the adult with the issue. It appears you are ready to let your AF (alcoholic father) own his addiction and the consequences. Good on You!
You don't have to pretend, or brush aside your feelings about this issue. You can vent/post/read here for support as well as other options.
I found attending Al anon meetings to be helpful. They offered me face-to-face support, they offered me literature to help me focus on my own recovery, and they helped me learn to take control of my own precious life.
Alanon meetings are for Friends and Family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking) and the meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA.
You can find a local group by doing an internet search.
Stick around, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I'm a dad and have a daughter a little younger than you.
As a dad, it is my job to care for and protect my daughter, help her through life's struggles and be a source of stability and compassion and of course....shoes and handbags!
Sweetie, it is not your job to take care of him. Were he in his right mind he would want you to go live your life without a backward glance. My wife is an alcoholic who is fighting through her first year of recovery while building a little human we will meet soon.
We just talked about your story. She prays that if she were to fail and wind up like your dad that I would run and take our son with me.
Your nan makes a choice every day and it is one I made. My wife, hopefully, got into recovery soon enough and wants it badly enough that my choice and hers are different. I chose to stick it out if she fights her disease but not if she quits on herself.
You don't owe your parents anything. They gave you life, they owe you more than it sounds like they gave you. You owe them... Nothing... Nothing but to take that life and live it fully and happily. If I ever fall into mental illness and become a burden to my daughter, I pray that illness takes my life and leaves her with only the good memories and a nice, fat check.
You owe yourself everything, your father nothing and your nan has two feet that know where the door is dear. If you want to do something wonderful for them then be a happy person, a devoted, loving and sober parent and live a great life.
No gift could mean more to a parent.
As a dad, it is my job to care for and protect my daughter, help her through life's struggles and be a source of stability and compassion and of course....shoes and handbags!
Sweetie, it is not your job to take care of him. Were he in his right mind he would want you to go live your life without a backward glance. My wife is an alcoholic who is fighting through her first year of recovery while building a little human we will meet soon.
We just talked about your story. She prays that if she were to fail and wind up like your dad that I would run and take our son with me.
Your nan makes a choice every day and it is one I made. My wife, hopefully, got into recovery soon enough and wants it badly enough that my choice and hers are different. I chose to stick it out if she fights her disease but not if she quits on herself.
You don't owe your parents anything. They gave you life, they owe you more than it sounds like they gave you. You owe them... Nothing... Nothing but to take that life and live it fully and happily. If I ever fall into mental illness and become a burden to my daughter, I pray that illness takes my life and leaves her with only the good memories and a nice, fat check.
You owe yourself everything, your father nothing and your nan has two feet that know where the door is dear. If you want to do something wonderful for them then be a happy person, a devoted, loving and sober parent and live a great life.
No gift could mean more to a parent.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi fadinghope, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and your Nan. He continues to drink and she continues to enable him. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to control or fix either one. I think limited contact is absolutely the wisest thing to do for your own sanity--you deserve it!
If you would like to, perhaps you can meet your Nan every now and then out for tea or a meal.
Perhaps a good boundary might be to calmly tell her that you are not going to talk about your Dad anymore. Let her know that if she brings him up, you will end the conversation. That you are happy to talk about anything else going on in her world--Bridge Club, garden, her favorite television show.....
Good luck! Vent here any time!! We get it, really we do.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and your Nan. He continues to drink and she continues to enable him. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to control or fix either one. I think limited contact is absolutely the wisest thing to do for your own sanity--you deserve it!
If you would like to, perhaps you can meet your Nan every now and then out for tea or a meal.
Perhaps a good boundary might be to calmly tell her that you are not going to talk about your Dad anymore. Let her know that if she brings him up, you will end the conversation. That you are happy to talk about anything else going on in her world--Bridge Club, garden, her favorite television show.....
Good luck! Vent here any time!! We get it, really we do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your comments and support ,it's good to speak to people who know where I'm coming from.
MTslideaddict; You are right all that happens is I become surrounded by the chaos too, I had hoped that staying away would ease my mind after a few days but it has only made me more stressed because of worrying about the unknown.
Pelican; Those 3 Cs do make sense. I have thought about attending some kind meeting, perhaps I will find one close by.
PohsFriend; Thank you. Be proud of your wife (as I'm sure you already are) for putting her family before her addiction, I wish her all the luck in the world on her journey.
Hydrogirl;that is a good idea if my nan would agree to it, definitely something think about.
My resolve is weakening now though, I still haven't been in contact and the guilt is getting the better of me. The thought of my Nan dealing with it alone breaks my heart.
I will probably go round to check on them tomorrow.
MTslideaddict; You are right all that happens is I become surrounded by the chaos too, I had hoped that staying away would ease my mind after a few days but it has only made me more stressed because of worrying about the unknown.
Pelican; Those 3 Cs do make sense. I have thought about attending some kind meeting, perhaps I will find one close by.
PohsFriend; Thank you. Be proud of your wife (as I'm sure you already are) for putting her family before her addiction, I wish her all the luck in the world on her journey.
Hydrogirl;that is a good idea if my nan would agree to it, definitely something think about.
My resolve is weakening now though, I still haven't been in contact and the guilt is getting the better of me. The thought of my Nan dealing with it alone breaks my heart.
I will probably go round to check on them tomorrow.
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