notyourmama

Married 27 years to an alcoholic and it's been a long road. He has been through treatment before and did great - for a while. That changed when two alcoholic brothers moved back into town and he started drinking with them. Over the last several years it progressed to now, when he was drinking constantly and finally his boss told him to get help or else.

So he is getting help. Sort of. It didn't seem to me that he was 100% serious about it because he just didn't seem the same as he did before when he was serious. For instance, he doesn't want me asking any questions or talking to him about his treatment or the program. And he still plans to visit his brothers. When he was in treatment before and serious about staying sober, he didn't want to be around them. One brother died two months ago of alcoholism. Another brother is in a nursing home at age 55 as a result of alcohol-related medical issues - diabetes, pancreatitis that required pancreatectomy, dementia from an episode when his blood sugar was out of control from drinking and he was passed out on the floor for who knows how long before someone found him without adequate blood flow to his brain. Another brother got laid off a couple of years ago and decided to "take a break" from working and never went back; instead drinks all day if he has the money to buy alcohol. Gets food card and sells it for 50 cents on the dollar for money for alcohol - which infuriates me as a taxpayer.

So...my husband started treatment a couple of weeks ago because his boss said he had to. The day before yesterday I told him I had some concerns that he's not really serious about it because: 1) He won't talk to me about it/isn't open with me. 2) We still have alcohol in the house that he just has sitting there and hasn't thrown out. 3) He says he is still going to visit his brothers and I don't think he should be putting himself in that position. 4) When I went to the family meeting the leader of the group asked him if he had a sponsor and he said "no." 5) The group leader asked everyone as a group if they were going to meetings over the weekend and I didn't even realize till then that my husband was supposed to be going to meetings (AA) besides his treatment - he hasn't.

He told me it would "take time" for him to be able to open and talk to me about it (riiight). He said he didn't want to just throw the alcohol away; he'd give it to his brother instead. He said they are his BROTHERS and if he doesn't visit them, no one will (to which I said they are both in the position they because of their own actions and he needs to take care of himself). He said he isn't going to get a sponsor. He said he hates AA meetings and he is not going to go to any.

I said so basically you are going to try to get through the treatment program and "graduate" because your boss says you have to and then that's the end of it? And he said yes. I said "Well then I already know you will drink again."

Then he said DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS EVERY DAY? Um, I hadn't even brought it up or mentioned it for days and days before then because I wanted to give him some space to work things out on his own. He said talking about it makes him want to drink. I told him it's not fair for me not to be able to say anything to him about his drinking without him using it as an excuse to drink...

So that's part of it. We've been married 27 years and I am 55 and I don't have 27 more years to waste on this. I really am thinking if he's not serious about this, I need to move on and let him drink himself to death. I guess he cares more about his job than he does about his marriage because the thought of losing ME wasn't enough to make him go into a program, but when it came from his boss he was willing to do it (although obviously he's not really doing it). But I really think he wants his job and I think he does plan to not drink at least that his boss can tell.

Another thing - I went to the family meeting last week for his treatment program, where families attend the group with their addict/alcoholic. One of our daughters also went. Daughter is 27, AH is 50, I am 55. So I am older than him but I have never thought I looked older, nor has anyone told me that. This alcoholic woman in my husband's treatment program came in and my husband said "This is my wife" and the woman extended her hand to my daughter and said "Nice to meet you!" and my husband said "No, THIS is my wife." She really didn't even look at me first, just looked at my husband when she came in and then her eyes went to our daughter when he said "This is my wife" But then she commented on feeling stupid. And then said to my husband in a playful way "It's from putting up with YOUR ass" (as if I look older than him because of him). Okay, so that is bad enough; she should have just kept her mouth shut. But she kept saying things about it, like 5 more times during the course of the night. She said something in front of the whole group and said "Talk about feeling THIS small." And when she said that, it seemed like OTHER people in the group were thinking that she erred by thinking my husband had a wife young enough to be his daughter - they didn't act as if they though I looked like his mother or anything.

I was sitting right next to the woman so I heard more of it than anyone else, and I don't think my husband or daughter quite caught that she was actually saying I looked old, or at least the extent of what she was saying. But my husband (who started drinking at about 13 and lots of times acts like he's about 13), did joke "Oh yes, this (daughter) is my wife and this (me) is my mother!"

Anyway, I was very offended by it and wondered WTH was wrong with this woman for just continuing to step in it instead of just keeping her mouth shut.

Anyway, back to the original topic - my husband's lack of seriousness about sobriety. I feel like I don't have any more time to waste. Do I want to waste the rest of my life putting up with the crap I have put up with the last 27 years? One of our daughters says she is not going to go to the family group or have anything to do with his "recovery" because she's been through it before and then he drinks again. She said if he's sober a year, then she would consider supporting him...

Any thoughts/comments?

celticgenes

IMHO, most A's just keep trying to skate along and have it all. The family AND the drink. I got a very rational discussion from my AXF (of 20 years) about how he was a grown man, and if he wanted to drink, then he would drink. How it wasn't like he was smashed, or drinking every day, just a drink with "the boys" now and then. Until it was just like he was smashed, drinking all day, every day, and provoking guys 30 years younger and 50 pounds heavier in the bars.

I'm six months out, still miss my fantasy version of him occasionally, but very peaceful. Al-anon has been a huge help. I only go to one meeting a week, but it helps to keep the focus on me.

None of your "discussion" with him regarding HIS drinking will make a dent. Decide for you how YOU want to live, and work towards that. Your ACTIONS may change his actions. Or not, but at least your life will be peaceful. Just my two cents.

Good luck!