Sister in Early Recovery = Mad at the World

Old 09-04-2012, 07:01 PM
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Sister in Early Recovery = Mad at the World

My sister has just finished detox and 45-day treatment program in another state. After a long weekend home to visit with her kids, she is back living with my brother and doing a transitional living program at the facility for up to 90 more days. She is sober and seems committed to her recovery.

She says she takes responsibility for the actions that led her to this point, but in the same breathe, she is quick to point the finger at everyone else. She's mad at the world. If you say anything to her that she doesn't want to hear or she interprets as "preachy", she gets angry and shuts you out. Her big thing is that no one has a right to judge her and that everyone else should be working on their own problems. She is extremely defensive, which makes talking to her difficult.

The main feeling I feel for her is compassion, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dealing with my own bouts of anger. At the situation, at her. She has definitely hurt me, but our relationship is so one-sided now that I don't think I could say "boo" without her exploding or cutting me out of her life. This definitely doesn't seem to be the time to do the "airing of grievances."

I naively thought she'd be more humbled and trying to make amends by this point. I want to give her the space she needs to recover, but I don't want feel like an emotional doormat either. I am doing what I can to get support: seeing my therapist, attending my church's addiction recovery support group, writing down my feelings, reading books ("Codependent No More" has helped the most), etc. But one thing I am really struggling with is dealing her unjustified (IMHO) anger.

What do you do/have you done in this situation?

Thanks in advance...
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Old 09-04-2012, 10:24 PM
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I suggest giving her more time. She is less than 60 days sober. Her body is still withdrawing from her physical addiction.

She has abused her body with alcohol for years. She didn't arrive in this situation overnight and it will take more than 60 days to correct years of self inflicted abuse. She will need to learn new coping skills. One of them will hopefully be to stop reacting and start repsonding to life/people/things.

There is no time frame for humility and amends. Some addicts never come to those stages of recovery.

Please beware of your own premeditated expectations of what her recovery should look like. Resentments are a result of our own premeditated expectations of someone else's behavior.
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Old 09-05-2012, 04:20 AM
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She is going through a lot right now.

And so are you! The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself, let her muddle through in her own way and in her own time, she has been self medicating with alcohol for along time, it's gone now, so now life has completely changed for her. She needs a good strong program to get through all of this.

Try not to take anything personally, if you are spending time with her, don't stay so long, if you need support try to reach out, counseling or alanon may be helpful for you. The idea that the alcoholic will be all better once the booze is removed is a nice fantasy but just no true.

Take good care of you!!! Katie
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Old 09-05-2012, 04:56 AM
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As a former alcoholic myself, I agree ... give her time. Regardless of how committed she is to remaining abstinent and regaining her health, she is in a period of transition and is dealing with all sorts of emotions, including grief (and you know, anger is a stage in the grief process).

The best thing to do right now is to give both her and yourself some space.
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